Feeling Judged

You know, it's a burden,
always knowing that
people are watching,
counting, feeling,
making categories,
making judgements,
deciding who

you

are

based on
actions and words and
their own insights and intuition
of you. . .


Fuck them.



you are who you are.

Be true to yourself
and the One who made you.



Revel in that.


I guarantee you, shame will not follow.

Into the Wild

In a lot of ways, I miss where I was this time last year. I miss that little apartment on 75th street. I miss the guitars on the wall, the quaint bedroom that fit 2 pieces of furniture, the tiny kitchen, the blood red wall. In many ways, that apartment will be one of my favorites, one that symbolized freedom and security and Home. No place had felt like home since my childhood. No place has felt like home since. 

Perhaps it was because I was so broken when I first moved in. Maybe it's because I first went through Focus and came home to those crimson walls. I remember coming back after Focus II, curling up on that black clad sofa, not knowing how to answer the questions my roommate posed, feeling exposed and vulnerable and real. Going to see Hunger Games II and then coming home and it was Home. It was a safe place... a place for me to hash out my feelings and the future. A place to belong to. 

That place is gone. We painted over those blood-red walls. We took down the book shelves. We let the stain on the carpet go unattended. But I will not let that apartment define me. 

I will not let my workmates define me. 

Nor my new friends. 

Nor my family's expectations of me. 

I am my own person. 

And I want for myself what I want. 

My future is my own. 

On the dawn of 2015, that is what I'm learning. 

Looking upon the dawn of 2013, I had such specific, trivial plans set aside for myself. Hike the Grand Canyon. Learn guitar. Go skiing. Most of which I've accomplished in two short years. But, now, here's to the real future. Here's to what I really want. Here's to who I want to be. 

Here's to where God is going to lead me. 

Away from here, I see that now. 

Away from these comforts I've gained. 

Away from roommates. 

Away from friends. 

Into the wild, 

The unknown. 

You know what I'm going to say here: 

Bring it. 

bring it on. 

Can You Still Have Regret for The Right Decision?

October. Here you are again, once more.

I changed my cover photo on Facebook today and I changed it to a photo I took one truly fateful day in October two years ago. It was a day that solidified the entirely new course my life had just set. It was the day I made up my mind about the life I wanted and the life I was leaving. It was the day I chose this path that I am on now.

October 14, 2012

I had a dream last night. It's been a reoccurring dream lately. In this dream, I regret my decision two years ago with such a ferocity I wake up nearly in tears. The bitterness of a life shattered still on my tongue. The old wound in my heart still throbbing. The life I chose to leave behind haunts me. The promises I had once upon a time made still rankle. I feel like a fraud, a cheat.  And that day in the woods where I first took that October photo, that day where I had felt truly free for the first time in years... that day shames me. My actions at that time bring fresh grief. This life I have now feels hollow and fake and as safe as shifting sand.

It's all these weddings I've been going to and photographing, I think. It just reminds me of my own failure.

But as I lay there in bed, calming my heart, fighting back the tears, I remind myself of why I chose this life. I think of what I have now. I think of what my life would probably be like without that decision. I think of the woman I had been-- one who realized one day that she never laughed anymore. The one who walked on egg shells. The one who was constantly questioning herself. The one who lived in almost constant shame. The one who beat at the bars of her sanctified cage and finally one day broke free.

And when I stand in my loft with the windows open, music playing, quiche in the oven, the regret instantly vanishes.

When I have lunch with a guy friend, I don't fear retribution.

When I mix and mingle at entrepreneur events, I don't constantly scan the room anymore, looking for that pair of jealous eyes.

I don't fear religious discussions over a glass of wine.

I finally have faith that my life will amount to something more than heart-ache and brokenness.

There is more to this life than atoning for my mistake.

In the past two years, I have finally started to believe... once and for all... that I am a worthy person. That I help make others feel worth. That I am courageous. That I can be vulnerable. That I can screw up big time and I can still be loved and accepted.

. . . Also that I can belong to another person without being possessed entirely. That two people can disagree without it turning into a vicious argument. That I can be with someone who actually wants to meet my friends, encourages me to pursue my dreams, wants to become a better person with me. That's crazy talk. It's supposed to be like this? This is what I've been missing out on all those years? I look into his blue eyes and in them there is delight. I love being looked at like that.

Two years ago in October, I stepped out on faith and stepped off the pavement and I chose the path that led deeper into the woods instead of back home. That day was exhilarating, terrifying, spontaneous and completely out of character for me (at the time).

Last October, I stepped out on faith and restarted this photography business of mine that has allowed me to now live where I love.

This October... well. Who knows where I'll go this time around... but I know one thing for sure. I will never regret the lessons I've learned or the person I've become today. I'll never regret meeting the people I have in my life now and I'll never regret trusting this process. And I will never regret choosing how I did when I came to that fork in the road.

Being Young and Living the Dream

I am sitting at my computer.
At my desk.
In my loft.

The windows are open. The soft summer breeze is blowing through my four open windows. Outside, there are people walking a dog. Two bikers with helmets that blink. The sun has recently set, the sky is still pinkish and hazy. It smells like Westport and by that I mean food trucks. There are people walking to their car from the Jazz club two blocks down. One Republic is playing on my stereo. I hear the train in the distance. Life is good.

I had a beer on the deck of the bar beside me with two great people, one dear to me and the other I just met. I met a bunch of terrific people this past Saturday and I will see them again this weekend. The new friend I met tonight is joining us on our bike tour this Wednesday. Holy cow. I am doing a bike tour in Westport this Wednesday. I am going to first fridays this Friday. I am going to a party in the loft of a new friend and will be surrounded by my new friends this Saturday. I had a wedding consultation this past Wednesday, this past Saturday, then today... Holy cow. This is my new life, I tell myself, relishing in it, hardly believing it, thankful for everything that denotes.

This is mine.

I claim this time, this place, this city, this dream.

I am sitting at my computer
at my desk
in my loft,
editing wedding photos and
blogging
with the windows open wide,
the wind chime I keep hanging
from my lamp clinking,
thinking of a boy I just shared a drink with tonight and
I'm meeting with for lunch tomorrow
and riding with on Wednesday
and
I can't believe this is my life.

I don't want to wake up from this,
this impossible dream.

May it never end.

Living in Action

Free fall.

That's the only way to describe my life immediately following The Night of my husband and my's separation.

The bottom falls quite suddenly out on this foundation you've built your life on. Suddenly, everything is in the air, nothing is grounded, everything is upside down, nothing is as it should be. I drank a bottle of wine that night and called my best friend. "I kicked him out." There was an edge of sheer panic in my voice. I never remember what she said but it was something along the lines of I Love You and with that I fell asleep.

It took more than a year for me to find myself again.

When I found myself, it was with my face down on the basement carpet of a big house in Olathe and with one fail swoop, my life was no longer lived in reaction... as it had been for the previous 17 months, but was suddenly focused. Action. Moving forward.

This is me. This is what I want. This is what I'm doing.

I'm moving down town. I'm finding a new job. I'm getting reconnected. I'm leaving all these band-aids behind that I've relied on and I'm going in search of real healing and a Real Life. . .

And Here I Am.

I never ever ever ever thought my Fork in the Road would lead me here. Not in a million years. But I'm so grateful for where I am now...

I feel like I've finally reached that horizon. I've finally arrived. The journey that began that September 26th, 2012 can finally end and now, I can really start this life...

Name it and Claim it! (?)

I don't ascribe to a Name It and Claim It mentality. I don't think God or the universe gives us everything we want just because we speak it. New Car! Trip to Italy! A Million Dollars! Having said that, I think there is certainly some truth to the power of our words. There's a truth when it comes to the things we speak and the things we dwell on. The bible is pretty clear about the power of the tongue.

Having said all that, here's the story. So the church I attend on Wednesday nights does something when they take the tithe. They put on the screen things that they are believing God for: it's the idea that God has promised to bless us if we give, that God is waiting for us to be generous and He will be generous back. This is the list we recite:

Jobs and better jobs,
Raises and bonuses
Benefits Sales and commissions
Favorable settlements
Estates and inheritances
Interests and income
Rebates and returns
Checks in the mail
Gifts and surprises
Finding money
Debts paid off
Expenses decrease
Blessing and increase


This is controversial even in the church let alone to people outside the church. But I believe there is power in words, so the congregation reads this list out loud every service right before the tithe is taken-- myself included.

Fast forward to this morning. We had an all staff meeting, we have one every month. Well, this morning they announced that at noon, all the staff gets to go to a designated place and pick up a check... not a pay check. It's a bonus. Do Something Nice with the money, our interim ceo told us. Don't spend it on the electric bill- You deserve to spend the money on yourself.

When we picked up our checks, people were flabbergasted. No reason. No warning. Each check was a large amount of money. I immediately thought of that list I had just spoken out loud the other day at church.

Gifts and surprises. Finding money. Blessing and increase.

Coincidence? Name it and Claim it? The Law of Attraction?

I'm just putting it out there that perhaps what we do with our time/money/words has further reaching ramifications than we give it credit for. Perhaps we really need to wake up to how we use our resources and how we want them returned back to us. Joy gives way to joy... and in the right mind frame, trials can also produce joy. If we have a spirit of giving, then what we receive in life will be a reflection of that. If we have a spirit of loving others before ourselves, we will receive that as well.

Should we tithe in order to gain the above blessings? No, I don't think so. Should we do good expecting good things to come back to us? I don't think that either. We give and we do good because it is the right thing to do, because we put our money and our time where it is most important to us. And true happiness comes from a thankful, joyful heart.

Let me end by saying, though, that I am not above sometimes putting God in a box. And it's really nice when he surprises me in such a blessed way!

Real Time Update

It's a cautious thing, meeting someone for the first time. First date. First impressions. First day on the job. First time meeting new clients. First time meeting new consumers... 

I've been meeting lots and lots and lots of people lately for the first time. I've been brushing up on my first impression skills. Lots of smiles. Lots of shaking hands. Lots of feigned interest or real interest. Lots of names to remember. Lots of trying really hard to not try to impress. Lots of opportunists to remember who I am and to showcase my real self. Lots of opportunities to decide who I am and where I'm going and who I want to be and who and what I want to surround myself with. 

Remember that time I blogged about my life being on the brink? Remember how I talked about standing on a ledge, how the choices I make in the next few months will shape who I will Become? I was so right. And I am so right in the middle of that right now. 

My friend Sunil found me on my first day at The Whole Person last month. He looked at me, grinned, and said "Welcome to the first day of your new life". 

He was so right. 

Which church do I choose? Where do I choose to live? What activities do I choose to fill my new time with? What do I do with my new weekends totally off? What do I plan for my summer? Who do I choose to share this life with... what friends, what roommate, which of my many guys...

Meaningful work? Crushing it. Where to live? Found the place. Roommate? (after all that agony... no change was needed...). Activities? Signed up for and begun. Church? Chosen. Summer Plans? Filling up. Something Bigger than myself to be devoted to? Got it. Boyfriend? Well, can't have everything all at once can we? 

In my estimation, the only thing on my list is to actually move. Once that is accomplished, it seems the life I have dreamed of for myself has finally materialized. It feels almost too good to be true. But after the past 20 months I've had... I will take it and accept it and be grateful. 

Night Time Drive pt 2

Iron patio table, long legs stretching out and
I am sitting, sipping coffee,
talking with my friend while
the late spring leaves fill the trees
with a heavy green,
ripe with the summer to come.

The air is warm, the breeze bringing
possibilities,
the white Christmas lights slowly blinking in the trees.

This is it.
This is that coming together,
that Clink of everything falling into place.
When you Know you were meant to be
in this place
at this time
and this moment
is yours.

You have just now opened your heart and the
bright, wide world
has just filled it
with a vastness, an intensity you couldn't
dream possible before.

And heading home,
magic fills my soul,
the summer wind in my hair
the lightness of my spirit
the calm tranquility of pure Being
inside me.
My car moves with a grace previously unknown to me,
unconsciously, I accelerate,
becoming one with the moon
and the sky
and the twinkling lights
and the saturated green reality around me.

This is as close to Eden as I can get,
I feel as in tune with my creator as I ever have,
every heart beat a prayer
every breath,
a reminder that this life is a joy,
every mile I pass
pulls me in tune even closer to that
perfection.

This is what Springtime
does to me.
This is how He
speaks to me.
Not always in words or song,
but in these passing,
fleeting moments
where suddenly, surprisingly, encompassingly,
all is
right again.

Westport and Patios and Springtime Oh My!

I sat on the patio of McCoy's for 2 1/2 hours tonight and didn't once miss going out dancing. I drank 2 glasses of wine. I had good conversations. The air was fragrant, I walked the streets beforehand, perused the area around the KCAI and decided the loft is a better idea.

I was at the Crossroads Friday night, there photographing Expressions, the art show put on by The Whole Person. I spent 5 hours walking around the gallery, taking photographs, talking to artists, talking to co-workers, passing the time much, much quicker than I ever would have thought. The night was filled with laughter, art, conversation, and the beauty of a gallery space filled with the light of a springtime setting sun (photographers, can I get an Amen?). Walking to my car after, I passed by an alleyway with a guitarist and a drummer playing away. The alley was pitch black and filled with people listening. I crouched down, shot some pictures, packed up and moved away, took in some of the music, let it fill my soul, then continued on to my car. Artists even filling the back alleyways of the city at 10pm on a Springtime Friday night.

Magical.

Tomorrow I'm working. Going climbing. Going to small group.

I am inching closer to the life I dream for myself.

I am taking the steps now to continue to grow into the person I've always wanted to be.

Wine on the patio. Climbing before bible study. A Loft in the river market. Local art covering my walls. Night time walks around Westport. Dancing at the Levee. Reaching out... and being covered by adoration. Biking. Running. Connecting. Growing. Improving. Loving. Being Loved. Pouring out being poured in to...

Online Dating has Taught Me Some Valuable Lessons

Remember that time I blogged about transparency? About how I have apparently made it my life's mission to teach and reach others through this blog? And that the way I've done this is to simply share my story. And to do this takes a transparency that most people are uncomfortable with? 

So. In light of this, let me admit that I have an online dating profile.

Bam. 

I just said it. Can't get more transparent than that.

Why on earth would I do that, you may ask. I'm a relatively attractive woman in her early thirties with a lot going for her... surely I don't have to resort to eharmony...

But I am by nature a cautious person. I like to see guys's profiles before I agree to go out with them. How many single people have gone on completely worthless dates with your friend's boyfriend's friend and the two of you have absolutely nothing in common? My roommate makes fun of me because I talk about how no date is better than a bad date. "At least you get a free dinner out of it," is his comment. And to that I say, some things aren't worth even a free meal. Can I get an Amen?

Thus, online dating. It's like grocery shopping for a date. You check the info, check the packaging, decide whether to try it out-- money back guaranteed. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't.

And you know what? I've met some great people. Obviously, nobody who's worked out to marriage just yet but I still have hope. Yeah, I've met some strange ones too, that's for sure. But that's just what you get sometimes. I will say that the stranger the date, the better the story. And I've actually made friends with some of these guys... people I can still call up on a Thursday night for dinner or live music and it's not awkward or weird.

And every date I go on, every person I meet-- it teaches me a bit about myself and it teaches me a bit about what I will tolerate in a relationship and what I won't. It helps me focus my vision on what I want out of life. It helps me realize what is important to me.

A sense of humor. Kindness. Personal strength without arrogance. Curiosity. A love for God. A passion for the outdoors. A passion for people and social justice and a deep desire to want to be a part of something greater than himself. Somebody not wrapped up in appearance. Somebody in tune with cultural norms but who isn't caught up in other's opinion. Someone open to new experiences.

He doesn't have to be rich. We don't have to like the same music. We don't have to have the same background. But we have to be going the same way... to the same place.

Is that too much to ask?

"It's going to take a special guy to be with you," I hear often. I take it as a compliment. I completely agree And I won't settle for less.

Excerpt from an Email

I wrote the below in an email to a good friend who was struggling. When I was finished, I read it out loud to James. I wanted to make sure I wasn't being too harsh-- but they asked for my opinion and I have a hard time beating around the bush... James approved. Paused. Then told me it sounded like I was writing it to myself. 

Well, of course. 

Any blog I write that resonates, any email I send of a difficult subject matter I can articulate because I've been there. Every post on this blog I write to myself first of all, a tool to remind myself of who I am and where I've come from and where I'm going. So the below is an excerpt from an email I wrote to my friend... but one I need to also hear for myself, and one I hope everyone can internalize and realize and live from.

People Try out of fear. Try to be good enough. Smart enough. Wealthy enough. Have the perfect marriage. Perfect kids. Perfect life. They judge because they feel judged. They put down in order to feel lifted up. They struggle and they try because fear propels them to work for love and acceptance.

I pray you can feel the freedom of living in true grace. You deserve to be loved for who you are and not what you do. For just you.  

Until you truly believe that in your heart and in your gut and deep down in the dark places of your soul, you will always struggle to be good enough. You will try to stop seeming arrogant. You will try to be nicer. You will try to watch your words and tone. You will try try try try... and you will struggle and beat your head against the wall and you will fail. Once you learn the unfathomable truth of real love and freedom and joy, you won't have to try anymore... humility and grace will flow from you. The emptiness will be gone. The wounds of your divorce will heal. The depression will be gone. You will sing and dance and rejoice... that is my prayer for you....

Amen

Choose Love

At the End of the Day
it's about love.

It's about loving yourself
and making the right choices
for yourself
and loving others enough
to put yourself aside
sometimes.

It's about loving yourself enough to
love people
when they've let you down.

It's about seeing the
broken, hurt,
painful world we live in and
deciding to care.

It's about walking down that street,
head up,
gaze firm,
shoulders back
because there is no fear inside you...
just love.

It's about making eye contact
with that stranger
or giving the man in the
Quick Trip parking lot your
last dollar bill
you were saving for your 2:00 Mountain Dew
back at the office.

It's about loving the broken
(and that's everyone).
That man who beat you,
that wife who cheated on you
and that school aged bully that gave you
nightmares.
It's about holding them
accountable in your heart for the pain they caused
and then loving yourself enough
to love them still.

This is not easy.

But at the end of the day,
Hokey Pokey aside,
that's what it's all about.

We all operate from a place of
fear or
love.

Choose love.

Music pt 2

What is it about music?

Why is it so effective at touching us where it matters? Why is it so effective at getting us from our heads to our hearts?

Talking this over with several people, I have come to a conclusion...

Music is linked with our spirituality. Whether we consider ourselves spiritual or not. Like it or not. It's true. Music is linked to our creativity which is linked to our spirituality.

And for some reason, all this is heightened in the Spring.

I've noticed it. But lately, others have told me the same thing. Nicer weather makes them more creative and in turn makes them more in tune with music which in turn makes them more in tune with spiritual things.

Hm...

Just some thoughts.

Hallelujah I'm Still Here

Music.

It gets me from my head to my heart.

I live a lot of life in my head.

I process lots of things. I rarely show emotion (other than laughing... I do laugh a lot).

But music gets me to my heart.

Do you ever need to listen to music with headphones? I mean... you must listen to certain songs only with headphones... It's like plugging the music into your soul. It's the only way to really take it in.

I was sitting at Black Dog the other day with my roommate and we were working on something and I was listening to a radio station on spotify... when all of a sudden, a certain song from Moby came on and I. Stopped. Breathing.

I realized about a minute and a half into the song that my hands were still raised above the keys. My mouth was slightly ajar. I was staring creepily at the barista....

My breath was shallow, my heart was moved, I wanted to cry. No reason. There were no words to this particular song. But the way the music moved... the way each measure led into the next and built and throbbed with something bigger than myself....

It was pretty intense. I played it for James later but it was on some crappy speakers in our basement and he didn't get the full effect so it didn't strike him the same way it did me.

Or maybe music is simply a deeply personal experience and that is why it means so much to us.

That's why the music we listen to is so important.

I've been dating these past 12 months or so and one of the first questions I always ask is "what kind of music do you listen to?" The answer really isn't too important. I like all kinds of music. Really, I listen to Pop and Rock and Country and Rap and Techno and Dance and Christian and Emo and Dubstep and. . .

But it matters that they care. It matters that it means something to them. It matters that not only do they listen, but that they understand the importance.

And that's why singing is important to me. And worship music in church. It's the singing that brought me back to God. It's the Passion song 'One Thing' which makes me cry every time... it's "White Flag" it's "Blessed Be" and "Oceans" and "I Surrender" and "Lay Me Down". . . .

It's what brought me back last year. It's what broke me. It's what caused me to stand there at Heartland last April, hands up, heart pounding, knowing if I Did This. . . if I Went There. . . there was no going back.

And I went there.

And I haven't gone back.

Through all the trials and tribulations and disappointments of this past year, through the heartache and the pain, my own folly and learning to forgive. . .  I'm still Here.

Hallelujah. Praise God. Thank you, Father.

 I'm still Here.

Amen.

Night Time Drive

360 days ago I drove these streets and it had been raining, I remember. I was glad to get out at the time. I did not then know what desperation, joy and heartbreak that would follow my leaving that tiny house out in the country of Shawnee. That house made me and broke me and set me up for the woman I would become… the woman born from isolation deeper and community stronger than she had known at that time.

I drove those same streets tonight, each passing headlight and each passing streetlight a reminder, each bend on the road familiar, each hill and street and backway a ghost that suddenly haunted. That round-a-bout, that Price Chopper, that road and those lights, each flaring a memory buried these past 12 months and now resurrected with all sorts of hopes and dreams that my heart had held on to. The beauty of the rising sun upon the hill as I drove to work… Target. How many different roads had I driven to that place? How many homes had claimed it, how many lifetimes? All dashed, now, all decimated and crumbled like seashells becoming sand.

I need to get out of here

The thought resounded in my head, a clear voice among the memories.

The little blue house out in Shawnee. That symbol of a life falling apart.

And then my next home, that apartment rising on the hill, a mere quarter mile from Shawnee Mission Park. That image of complete abandon, absolute loneliness, untold regret and guilt. I passed it on the highway, a blur on my right, I saw the light glow amber on the statuesque sign.

I need to get out of here.

Then next, the little two bedroom basement place, the Holy of Holies and even that was a memory tarnished, overwritten, painted over with something bleaker but firmer and more true. White-washed for the next chapter to be written (or painted). . .

I need to get out of here.

Each memory, each stretch of road and bend of highway glimmering with the light of the Magic Hour, shimmering, illuminescent, a beauty brought on by a trick of atmosphere and time. Not truth. Truth is much harsher in her estimation. Wisdom is much more clear on my folly.

And now. Will this house in this place be a memory I come back to and replay as a chapter in my life (albeit brief)?

Yes. It’s true.

I have grown and changed more in the past 3 months than in the past 10 years.

I have become. I have known and I have seen and I have chosen. With my head this time and not my heart.

I choose this. And I choose him. And I choose to work at this place. And I choose this life.

I give up the other (and every thing and every person that entails…)

even if my dreams break upon the rocks.

maybe I choose to dream bigger.

It's Time To Announce...

I accepted a job.

It's not with Target.

I have grown to love my job and the people I work with but God has called me someplace else. A position I have prayed for since November. A job that will allow me to focus on photography to my heart's content. A job with my friends. Downtown. Doing something meaningful and purposeful and relational.

My last officially official day with Target is April 19th and at that time, a chapter that has taken nearly 4 years of my life will end. Something I thought I would devote myself to will no longer be a part of my life. My Target family... my Target friends... my after work outings and my closing weekend "what's for dinner" questions will no longer be on my mind...

It is bittersweet since I nearly left it all behind once, and then was drawn back last fall. But I crushed those challenges and I became who I needed to become and I formed those relationships and I faced my perceived inadequacies and proved to myself that I could do it.

I had my review today (what a coincidence). I told my boss, As long as I did what a set out to do... as long as I grew as a person and as a leader... as long as I made strides and you would've been proud to take me on as a peer... then I'm okay leaving this place. I'm okay with the decision I made to come back and now this decision to leave.

People congratulate me. Congratulations! they call out when I tell them I'm moving on. I cannot tell you how many people have told me they're "proud of" me. And maybe they're right. Maybe I was in danger of being stuck.

My friend told me tonight at Barley's that he doesn't want to get stuck. He doesn't want to settle. Eventually there will be a time he moves on (he's been with Target 16 years...). He of course didn't like that I'm leaving. He told me the worst part about working so long in retail is how you make friends with people at work and then they all leave eventually...

Touche, my friend...

But I'm excited for this new adventure I start next Monday. I'm excited for the opportunities it holds, the flexibility it will give me. A Monday-Friday 9-5 job seems like the thing to hold on to. A good schedule to have. I don't know. Whatever God gives me will suit me just fine and this seems to be it. So, good bye, Target! You have served me well and you provided me with my best friends and you shaped me into who I am today and I thank you for it. I hope I do you justice in the future by remembering where I came from.

And to my Target family, new and old... thank you for your support and love. Through the worst times of my life and then through some of the best. Thank you for tolerating me, accepting me, teaching me and allowing me to lead you. You have helped me in ways I cannot articulate. You will always have a special place in my heart... and please do not hesitate to reach out... for Saturday swims with the grandkids or midnight after-work Old Chicago... please do not forget me.

Thank you.

Peace out.

Guess I'm growing up

I just reread through key posts from this blog from the past year and... holy cow. I am in a much different place now than this time last year. This time last year, I was getting ready to move into Aimee and my's place over by the park. I sold a ton of stuff on craigslist. I was working out. Tentatively trying out this church thing. Trying to be an ETL at work. Still struggling with the decision to see the divorce lawyer...

The past 12 months were alternately incredible and difficult. Some of the most difficult. Heck, the past six months have been incredibly difficult. The past three even more so. I keep wanting to simplify my life, clean it up, put it in a box and label it and everything in it so to be classified and easily referenced. But you know what?

Life is messy.

And sometimes your 17 year old roommate winds up living with your ex husband.

And sometimes you are offered incredibly awesome sounding opportunities that don't pan out.

But sometimes they do... just 5 months after you initially wanted it...

And sometimes I need to stay where I am when everything within me wants my own place again.

And sometimes you wind up doing things you said you'd never do (in a good way)

And... ditto (in a bad way)

And sometimes people hurt you
or surprise you
And sometimes relationships change
and dissolve
or grow in a completely different direction.

And sometimes people you have written off completely come back in to your life
and spin it around completely. . .
and you make that choice to push them back away. . .

And sometimes what you thought would be good isn't.

And sometimes God shows up in the strangest places. . .

Because I Can't Divulge All Just Yet...

Toes on the ledge,
peering over, the whole wide world stretching out.
A new journey to begin,
a quest with new characters and a new
destination and I'm
so afraid but so exhilarated because I believe
this is from God.

But in other ways....

I've been looking for a new place to live
down town.
Closer to..
well, I can't
divulge that just yet.

But it just falls through.

Bad credit.
Bad vibes.
Not the right time for things.

So I'm here
in Olathe
now, for the time being.
Here for a time, a purpose,
to become who I need to be,
to stand up for what I know is right.

Focus taught me that I always
Run Away
and I'm Done
Running.
I will stay
right here.
For all the reasons I went back
to Target
last fall
I will stay here now.

And I will claim
This Church
as my church.
And I will claim
these roommates
as my Support.
And I will claim
Olathe as my
home.
Until God leads me otherwise.




Holy Spirit,
lead me,
guide me.
I am done
trying to figure this life
out
for myself.
I am a child
of the God
Most High,
a daughter of
the King
and I claim the
beautiful
future
that lies before me
and I will Not
stress about it
anymore.
Amen.

My Future is Tonight (Right Now)

I've always had a vision of myself. It's a vision as old as I can remember. It's not a full tableau necessarily, but I certainly have elements that make up a whole yet unseen picture.

Photography. Art. A big, open, clean, bright space. An urban setting. A natural setting. Jumping on my bike, laptop and book and journal in a messenger bag slung over my shoulder. Biking to a park. Or coffee shop. Or jazz lounge.

Maybe I really am a hipster at heart. Just please shoot me if I start wearing skinny jeans rolled at the ankles. That's not good for my body type no matter what I'll later tell myself... And yes, I do own heavy, black, rectangle glasses but I enjoy my contacts more...

I am very much a person in tune with her surroundings. I know what feels right and what doesn't. And the friction of who I want to be and who I am is nearly at a critical point. To be honest, lots and lots of my life right now is at the tipping point. Career. Relationships. Home life. I feel strongly that the decisions I make in the next 6 months will pave the way for the rest of my life.

No pressure.

This is my year of redemption.

And it starts with this weekend. Here. Now. Tonight I take the reins. I take full control over my happiness (I make that choice). I refuse to let anybody define me. I refuse to let my status or my job or my home or my plans on a Friday night define me.

I am a vulnerable, courageous and loved woman.

I am doing what I want to do. I am seeing who I want to see. I am going where I want to go and I am loving those I want to love and being gracious to those I choose to be gracious to (even if I feel right now like they don't deserve it. Even if last night I wanted to throw my phone against the wall out of frustration and anger and self pity).

An hour long bike ride calmed my frustration. A conversation with a friend helped me put things in perspective. My real friends provided outlets and remind me that I Don't Settle and I have a great, open, beautiful future just waiting in front of me and is in fact here Right. Now. I just need to open my eyes to see it.

On the Fringe

I wonder.

I've been dating.

And I wonder how long it will take. I should really just put it out there. Focus and all that. Be myself.

But in reality, I'm kinda messed up. I'm kinda out there sometimes.

I like to paint. At midnight. After a couple glasses of wine. In the basement. And I tend to get paint *everywhere*. Who can deal with that?? Who is really Okay with that?

I've got some demons I'm still working on.

Sometimes I cry.

For no good reason.

I have a hard time with certain things. The movie Into The Wild. The movie Elizabetown. Some songs. Some thoughts and places and things.

I'm kinda crazy, really. I mean that in the best possible way.

Please text me every day. But not too much. Don't be needy. But need me. Want me. But not too much. Be a temptation and a challenge. But don't play too hard to get. I'm interested but guarded. Quick to judge. Quick to dismiss. Even if I really like you. Even if I have thought about you often over the past 1 1/2 years. Even if you broke my heart. Damn you. But I still like you. But not enough to date you. Apparently. You've ruined that.

But I'm still into you. What do I do with that?

Man, this Blog just took a left turn in to nowhere.

Love, who can understand it?

My life should be a movie.

How can you choose between two people who are so similar? One is new, refreshing, interesting, disengaged and the other...

Familiar, comfortable, interesting, growing, abounding, future wide open... equally disengaged... how do I manage to attract these guys????

Ode to the Bookstore

This isn't a library, she felt the judgement plainly in the service clerk's eyes as she sat her coat and scarf on the oversized chair. In her lap was The Penguin Anthology of 20th Century American Poetry and she had 1 1/2 hours to kill. No, it wasn't a library, she agreed with his unspoken chastizement. Perhaps she should at least buy a coffee but that seemed redundant and unnecessary in light of all the iced tea she had just drank at lunch.

And who was she that she would be guilted into spending money she did not have?

So she sat down with her book she had no intentions of buying and proceeded with her plan to pass the afternoon. Her evening itinerary danced before her and twisted her stomach in a nervousness that was not unpleasant. It was like waiting for Christmas morning or anticipating the arrival of a loved one after a long trip. Silly, she told herself, opening the book for a much needed distraction.

She was meeting someone... a guy... this one guy at his down town loft at 5:30 and at this rate,  it would take forever to arrive.... she'd thought maybe a store full of books would make the wait more bearable.  She's thinking now that perhaps nothing really would.

She must have it bad.

The clerk became tired of giving her the evil eye. Just as well, she didn't want to drive all the way home to sit on her bed, try to be productive, and to wind up watching Dexter... she flipped to the first poem. 

Concentrate.  Time won't go faster looking at the clock every 5 minutes. 

The words are strange,  empty,  not as exciting as they normally are.  She flips to a different poem. Here we go. Ginsberg.  Ai. Lucille Clifton.  Old friends. A little girl walks by with her dad.  A woman with a stack of magazines comes and sits in the chair beside her. It is comforting and peaceful and reminds her of being 19 again,  passing sleepy Sundays at the book store by her first apartment in St Louis. 

Before she knows it,  it is 5:00 and time to go.

Barnes and Nobel,  She sighs. Thank you. You've done it again.

Coming Back from a Broken Heart

I remember telling my friend once,
telling her that I wouldn't change a thing about the relationship I was in..
knowing full well it would break my heart.
I told her I wouldn't change a day.

A broken heart is bad news.
It's a lot of crying.
It's a lot of
itstheendi'mdyingtheisistheendthereisnthothingelse
but I promise it's not true.
There is another chapter.

And that other chapter might be another broken heart.

Damn that.

But that is love.

Am I in love?

What? This girl? This girl who has been
separated from her ex husband for 1 1/2 years now
and here comes a guy
and he means nothing-----
nothing
and yet
he means
suddenly,
everything.

Oh.

Oh man.

Is this it? Is this what they meant?

I am suddenly so unsure
and I want to know his every move
and I want to know why he's not txting me back
and I want to see him every day
and I want to be the one talking to him
and hanging out with him
and hearing his hopes and dreams
and even if we're just watching Netflix
that's okay because I'm with him
and if any other girls are,
I will strangle them
with a piano wire.

Oh man.

I am now one of them......

He better be worth this.....

Look it in the Eye

Say hello.
Smile.
Ask them how their day is going.
Tell a joke.
Make conversation.
Listen when they talk
even when they're complaining
or annoying
or borring.

Whole worlds can open up,
connections made,
friendships forged,
futures aligned.

No accidents.

Don't stay inside yourself.
It's time to get out and say
hi
to the world.

And look it in
the eye.

Welcome Back

I feel as though I rediscovered something about myself that I'd lost. I had lost it, that's true. I'd lost it to others's expectations. I lost it to who I Thought I Should Be. I lost it to infatuation and trying to Live Up and... I lost it to Trying instead of Being.

Trying. I suck at trying. I can only hold on for so long. I will always screw it up. I will never live up. I will never be enough. I will never be good enough to get it. I need to accept that as the blessing it is... and move on.

I am.

It came to me while walking down to the Rivermarket this past Saturday morning. It came to me as I laughed at myself while eating eggs and hash-browns and ham at a tiny diner and then when walking back, I took a deep breath of the spring-like air and laughed again.

It came to me as I danced at O'Dowds Saturday night to Katy Perry's Dark Horse and I let go of Everything and just existed. I love to dance. I hadn't been out dancing since... maybe November? Maybe before? It came to me as I stood on the chilly sidewalk at 3am, flagging down a taxi. It came to me as I woke up the next day at 11am, sunlight streaming through the windows, regret touching briefly on my mind to flee away. No regrets. It came to me as I ate a brunch of homemade waffles stuffed with sausage and cheese and then later as I drove to work.

It came to me as I sat at the high top table at midnight with two of my co-workers Sunday night, sharing beer and stories and listening to hearts and needs and reaching out to fill that emptiness.

I am. This is me. This is who I am. Who am I to try to be anything else. I feel so free. So true. Not whole yet. Not yet complete, but on the right track.

Things and people I clung to to define me and make me feel special and give me solidarity I see now merely held me back. This is me.

Hello!

I Am

Who are you?

I believe everything in life boils down to that question. I believe everything we think and do and say and believe comes out of one thing and one thing alone... Identity.
Who are you? 
What defines you? 
Where does your power come from? (Do you even know you have power?)

Temet Nosce

Know Thyself.

Ask yourself this: Generally, what makes you feel most elated? Ecstatic? Joyful? Powerful? Now what makes you feel the most downtrodden? Stepped on? Deflated? Used? 

Is it the same thing? Does it come from the same origin? 

To use myself as an example (and to throw myself under the buss a bit here), I would say that my answer to the first question is simple: It's my interaction with people. I love it when people love me. People generally love me so this is something I've come to expect and delight in. However, on the opposite hand, when people don't take to me right away... or when they use me or discard me... that is the most crushing thing for me. That makes my world spin right out of control. 

I give people control over me. I let them define me. 

Who or what defines you? 

Do they deserve that control? 

Do you need to take it back? 

No they don't. And yes. Yes you do. 

It Has Begun

I've finally done it. I've written the outline for my next big project. What is that project you may ask? A book. A collection of ideas and studies and personal introspections and people's stories and interpretations and insights on... Happiness. You guessed it.

This journey that first began in a tiny room during Focus and keeps growing like a wild vine in my mind. A journey that is tempered by fire. A journey that has led me down some very, very dark places the past few months and has opened up the wound of this past year. A journey that has shown me joy in the midst of that dark. A journey that needs to be documented... encouragement, truth, insight.

Hey, I've been there. Where you are... what you are going through... trust me, in some way, I've been there too. Maybe our circumstances aren't the same but you deal with depression? Emptiness? Loneliness? Rage? Regret? Abuse? Purposelessness? Consuming guilt, grief, fear, doubt? Struggling with judgement or feeling judged? Not feeling worthy?

Don't know who you are?

Get caught up in the ongoing of life? Feel like THERE NEEDS TO BE MORE THAN THIS ?

My own interpretation has begun...

Living out of Belief

After church tonight I spent some time talking to a man I'd just met. I asked him about the church we were at. "Tell me about this church," were my exact words. The light that shone out of his face was blinding. His words bubbled over each other, sentence upon sentence, no commas or periods or conjunctions necessary...

When you believe in something so fully, so completely, it shows.

This man believed in the church he was attending and he believed in himself and he believed in something bigger than himself. He believed in his identity and his entire life was lived out of that belief. Amazing. It was amazing to see.

How incredible would it be if we all lived that way?

What I Learned At College

I had a photography instructor once who changed my view on life. His name was Kevin. I cannot recall his last name at this time but we all simply called our teachers by their first names and his name was Kevin and he was a photographer. He was known for being difficult. He taught Photo II at 8am on Friday morning and that is the absolute worst time and day to go hang out in the darkroom for 4 hours.

But one thing he said once, one of the truths that fell out of his mouth that I still reflect on today was this: Don't try to do something so hard that you miss out on something greater. He was talking about working with negatives in the darkroom, of course, but his words still resound to me today in almost all aspects of my life.

Don't try so hard to create something that you don't see something more wonderful you could create.
Don't try so hard to be something that you don't see something greater that you could be.

It's good to have goals and it's good to have dreams and to work toward those. But pure single-mindedness can lead to a very small life.

Don't try so hard to do something that you miss out on something better.

Maybe one of the single most important things I learned at college.

Valentine's Day

Happy Valentine's Day! Hallmark holiday comments aside, I actually have always liked Valentine's Day. It's a bright spot in the midst of a terrible winter. I was married for many years and so Valentine's Day became another day we made dinner and watched a movie and drank a bottle of wine (oh, and gave each other some gift of some sort). Last year, single, I made dinner and watched a movie and drank a bottle of wine with a good friend of mine and we didn't have to spend money on a needless gift. This year, I'm going bouldering. Why, you may ask? Because it is something I freakin want to do and it's high time I stop doing what I think I should do and I do what I want. I invited people. People are coming with me. I would've gone by myself. But I quite enjoy the company.

Story of my (new and incredible and happy) life.

Be yourself. Be a light. Blaze a trail and people will follow.

Still Waiting for It To Be Second Nature...

A good friend asked me the other day how I was doing. Out of the blue. Random. Seemingly, anyway. I thought of how to respond. It was via txt so it wasn't like I could go into detail. But then I'm not one to throw around "I'm fine" like the commoner...

"I'm mostly good. Life is alternately extremely difficult and extremely wonderful," I txt'd her back.

She responded with, "Lol, that is indeed life!!! Never a dull moment!!!"

Truth.

I still lay in bed sometimes. Eyes closed. Body exhausted. Tired. Tired. So tired. I don't want to get out of bed, I don't need to, I close at work tonight, I could lay here forever, what is the point of getting up? I could lie here till 2:30pm.... how tempting...

But I do get up. The kitchen is a mess so I clean it. The fridge is cluttered and half of it is out of date. I clean that too. Put on some coffee. Make some eggs. Decide the bathroom is dirty (which is truly is). I clean that too. It is 11am. I go downstairs to my computer.

Pay some bills, make some appointments, organize my life.

My world is at a standstill. My world is falling a part. Everything is changing. I don't handle change well. I lay awake at night, 12:57 the green words glow at me condescendingly. I need to wake up at 5am... at work, my mind flits from one topic to another, landing on the old familiar path.. I'm not good enough. I will never be good enough. This is too much. Life is too much. I will always be alone. All I wanted... this promotion and this life and this reality was all I ever wanted... that was all I ever wanted... now it's gone. Gone. Gone. Gone. Will most likely never be. There is nothing left.

"Choose happiness", the little voice whispers.

I push it away.

"Choose happiness," the voice is firmer. In my mind's eye, I see what that means. I see the words I've written on paper. I see the truth I've journaled about... blogged about...  It is a vision that is at once alluring and infuriating. I shove it away vindictively.

"What are you thankful for?" The voice pleads. "Who are you blessing today? Who are you praying for today? What is Bigger than You today?"

And it's right. That little, annoying, terrible, beautiful, truthful voice is right.

I am thankful for the house I am living in. I am thankful that I can save money. I want to bless my co-manager today. I want to find out what he needs done and I want to do it for him because he relies on his own self too much and it stresses him out. I'm praying for my roommate and friend today that he makes wise decisions and that he is blessed by the efforts of his hands. The needs of the team under me are bigger than me today. I will put off what I want to get accomplished at work tonight to administer to the needs of the team.

And that's it. There you go. That's seriously all it takes. Really. I promise.

Refocus. Resolve. Re purpose.

The sadness is gone. Just. Like. That. The smile comes easily to my face. I make eye contact with everyone I come in contact from. I laugh when something strikes me as funny (whether anyone else laughs or not.. usually not..). I am back to myself. Goofy, silly, loving, focused Me. Out of the dark and into the light.

Choose Happiness.

Oh, I'm still waiting for that day that it becomes second nature.

it is Our Choices that Define Us

This title is one I've posted before. And it has never been more apt...

In the past 10 days, I have been inundated with emails and txts and encouraging words. Why, you may ask? Well, I will give the credit where it is due... and it is because of this blog. I can't even comprehend the heartbreaking and beautiful and tragic and incredible words that have been given to me as gifts in regards to the past few blogs I've been posting.

Choose Happiness.

#Happinessisachoice

Oh. My. Goodness.

It. Is. So True.

And when you choose that happiness... when it radiates in you and from you... you'll know. You will become a light.

I'm not joking. I cannot tell you how many times I've heard that.

You will radiate light.

A light will shine from within you.

You simply... Glow. I can't describe it any other way. You're glowing...

I swear, it's not me or us. It's Him. I'm just choosing to live in the joy that He's given me. Happiness is a choice.

Love is a choice.

Positivity is a choice.

Taking an awkward or difficult situation and turning it in a positive light... that's a choice.

Taking the higher ground... that is a choice.

Refraining from saying that One Thing you really want to say... realizing in the end it does more damage than good... that is a choice.

Truly wanting the best for those who have wronged us... that is a choice.

Being content with what we have instead of always wanting more.. . that is a choice.

But how do we get there? How do we get to that point? Where we dwell in positivity and take the higher ground and we hold our tongues and we have compassion on "sinners" and we live with contentment...

I'll flesh that out in coming blogs, don't be discouraged. Maybe more questions will come than answers but you get the gist for now...

What's so good about choosing happiness?

"What's so good about choosing happiness?"

He had the covers pulled up to his chin. The space heater glowed in the semi darkness. It was cold-- bone chilling cold and she had let it in when she'd opened the door. She folded her legs underneath her and cocked her head. He blinked sleepily at her.

What a ridiculous question.

She had no idea how to respond. Who wouldn't choose happiness?

"What do you mean?" She decided to play it safe and coax it out of him. No sense in getting defensive.

"I mean," he turned his head to meet her eyes, "that there's something to be said for all the emotions God gave us. Shouldn't we experience them all?" The words hung in the air. She swallowed. Visions of her own self, laying on the floor of the basement, sobbing, her heart breaking, her tears soaking the carpet, swam before her eyes. In her silence, he continued, "If we experience and really know the deepest depths of sadness, if we can go to that place and then move on past it, we know we can take it. I would be grateful for such an experience. Afterward, I would know that I can withstand anything because I've already been as low as I can go."

"Sure, there's that," she acquiesced. "But let me be the first to say that I've gone as low as I thought I could go... then I've gone lower."

Waking up in the middle of the night. So sure her brother was alive. So sure there had been a mistake. Realizing it was a dream. He was gone. He would always be. There was no mistake. The heartbreak that followed. . . the salt water and remorse soaking her pillow.

 "You can't stay there," she finished. "You have to choose to move on."

"Okay." His pause was contemplative. There was a slight buzz in the room. She glanced at the clock. They always stayed up so late. She didn't want to stay up so late. "But still, it seems like living your life only focusing on being happy, you lose out on all the other things we can feel. Maybe we can even push those other emotions aside, maybe we don't deal with what we need to."

It was 10:52. She gave them until 11. She crossed her legs, put her chin in her hand, Took a deep breath.

"Perhaps you are right. Perhaps some people do push bad things aside and don't deal with them like they should. I'm sure I've done that. I'm sure in the past year I've done that multiple times. But, that's not what I'm talking about. If nothing, Focus taught me that I need to dig up and face the things in my past that drag me down. But I can't hold on to those things. I need to realize the impact they've had on my life and then... I need to choose the life I want for my future. I want a happy future. God wants a happy future for me."

"Well you're right," he amended. "God does want us to be happy."

She nodded.

"And happiness is a choice."

He chuckled.

"Yes, you're right."

She stood, chilly and tired. Bed time. The conversation was exhausting. This lifestyle of hers was a difficult one. Pushing away the negative thoughts, Letting Go. Creating her own happiness... it wasn't easy. She imagined it might become easier in time. It might become second nature. It would become a lifestyle, not something she consciously moment by moment had to decide for herself.

Finally, some Practicality

Obviously, God is teaching me a hard lesson on happiness. Honesty time. All my life, I've struggled with bouts of incredible desperation. I think this is common of most people. The reality is that we were made for paradise and we do not live in paradise. We were made for communion with the Creator and often our relationship with Him seems to fall short (or is nonexistent). Of course humanity struggles with depression. We are often not who we were created to be nor living the life we were created to live.

So in light of all this, how can we choose happiness? It's a nice little phrase. Catchy. Rolls off the tongue. Makes someone look super enlightened and super spiritual when they say it. But I am one of the most hard core practical people you'll ever meet (I know, ironic). When I hear anything, my very first thought is... Okay. What do I DO with this? What does this actually look like day to day? What can I do?

Give me my 12 steps.

So, after sitting down with my coffee and processing over the past few days/weeks/months, I've come up with a non-inclusive list of practicalities of choosing happiness every day.

In no particular order (but maybe they should be in one):

Be grateful. Say out loud at least once a day, "I am so grateful for..." and list at the very least, one thing. We do this around Thanksgiving... I'm overloaded with posts on my newsfeed of the 30 days of gratitude. Sad that it ends there... Choosing to be thankful is choosing happiness.

Pray for at least one person a day who is not yourself. It can be your kids, your spouse, your co-worker, your siblings, your neighbor, or (better yet) that one person who irritates the daylights out of you. Choosing to honestly care about another person is choosing happiness.

Think of a person you will meet today. Think of a way to bring them happiness. Not so they like you more, but just to pay it forward. Bring them coffee. Call them up and say Hello. Post something nice on their Facebook. Send them a quick "thinking of you" txt. Do the dishes. Buy them groceries. Offer to babysit their kids for an afternoon. Forgive a debt. Etc.  Do this at least once a day. Every day. Be intentional. Choose to think about someone other than yourself and you are choosing happiness.

Take care of yourself. Get out and get active. Even if it's taking the stairs instead of the elevator. Even if it's choosing to turn down that chocolate cake. Taking care of yourself triggers happiness for yourself in your brain. Sometimes, the above step (doing something nice for someone else) is so much easier than doing something nice for ourselves. Choosing to treat ourselves right is part of choosing happiness.

<And then, one of the most difficult and yet one of the most vital parts of Choosing Happiness>

Think about the situation(s) that are weighing heavily on your heart. The things that keep happiness from us. The things that make us want to curl into a ball on our bed and not come out. Pray about them. Even if they seem huge. Even if it seems like God doesn't care. Even if you cannot possibly see a way out. Even if your burden is so heavy, it is making you sick. Pray. If you're not sure how, it can go something like, "God, (insert issue) is a huge deal to me. And God, honestly, it seems like you don't care. God, I cannot possibly see a way out of this. God, this burden is so heavy, it is making me sick." When you feel comfortable, add, "I can't fix this on my own. Please help me." When are even more comfortable, after you pray this prayer, consciously train your mind to let go of the problem and stop worrying about it. This will free up more of your mind to choose Happiness.


If this seems like a bunch of trite advice, just start with one. One a day. Move to two or more every day. Move to living in the reality of the above words. Move to infusing your life with gratitude and positive thoughts and prayer and Letting Go. Find others to keep you accountable. Surround yourself with people who are practicing the above attributes. Let Go of those who choose not to.

Choosing to surround yourself with positive people makes choosing happiness infinitely easier.

I'm sure there are other things, but the above practices have radically changed my life. And when I feel myself slipping and forgetting, falling back into sadness, feeling overwhelmed...  I have friends that I have purposefully placed in my life who tell me (weekly, daily) Barb, you choose your own happiness. Don't stay in your bedroom all day. Don't mope. Don't complain. Go Be Happy.

Amen for that.

Becoming Myself

Honesty time. I constantly let other people define me. Why do I put up that front... be who I think they want me to be... try to read their minds, try to rehearse the way I think I should act so maybe they'll like me and approve of me... (I want that raise, I want that person to be my friend, I want them to like me, I want my bosses to support me, I want that guy to fall in love with me...) and then I hate myself and hate my life when they don't?

When they don't book me as their photographer.
When they don't laugh at my jokes.
When they don't ask me out.
When they don't care what I have to say.
When they don't make time for me
or support me
or listen to me
or care.

And then I don't try. I show up and say Forget This to the world and all it's inhabitants and I decide-- really decide that they can take me or leave me and I don't care what they think and I'm just going to be this crazy person who probably talks too much and isn't as "professional" as she should be and she leaves dishes in the sink and goes to bed at 2am and buys finger paints and looks her boss straight in the eye and says "No, I didn't get it done" because she didn't and she refuses to make an excuse. She is the person who makes eye contact with every person she comes in contact with and says Hello, unashamed. Firm handshake. She belongs here. She speaks up and speaks her mind but chooses her words carefully because she is a thoughtful person. She expresses her opinions and includes people in inside jokes and makes people feel loved because...

well, because she loves them for who they are and not what they can do for her.

Because she doesn't need them to tell her who she is.
Or validate her life.
Or give her purpose
or meaning.

I mean, we are all community people
--me most of all--
and I know I am not a rock and I need people and community and to feel that love and support.

However, just because I could become the best for everyone (and I believe that),
not everyone is the best for me
and I need to let go
of those that bring me down
and I need to stop trying so hard
to win them over.

I am perfectly loved and I am becoming perfected day in and day out into the glorious person God created me to be.

Amen.

Where do I belong?

Depressed.

What a funny word for laying on the bed, curled around my blanket, staring blankly at the wall. I guess I hide it well. Well, mostly.

Been this way since I moved.

Empty room. Tomb. White washed walls, dead.
Space, abnormally filled,
off kelter
I don't fit
My stuff doesn't fit.
I do not belong here.

Depressed.

I do not belong here.

But where do I belong?





california beckons...

Is this it?

She awakes. It is 8am. She wants to go back to bed. Till... 10? 11? 12? What's the point of waking up? It's her day off. What does she have to do? Nothing. She wishes she could just skip this day. There's nothing to wake up for. Might as well stay where she is. Why not just wake up tomorrow? Tomorrow is when she's needed. . . . .

She awakes. It is 8am. She works at 9. But... who cares? It's just retail. Who will notice if she's missing? She's easily replaced. She's just one person in a hundred. No one will even notice. If she didn't need the money. . . 

It's 7pm. She's off work. Home. Dinner's made. 

And

There is nothing. 

Just emptiness. 

Just a space before she goes back to work tomorrow. 

Watch a movie

Drinks some wine

and more wine

and more 

until

She awakes

To go to work. 

Is this it? 

Is this IT???

IS THIS IT??????

I cannot believe it's true.

Read: 

http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B00CTPIBQY/ref=oh_d__o00_details_o00__i00?ie=UTF8&psc=1

I promise. It will encourage your life..  . . .  

it did mine

Dear God

I got a text first thing this morning. An unexpected hiccup. A change in plans. My sister needs her car back. Her circumstances have changed and now she needs a way to get to work. That makes sense. I told her it would be no problem. Inside, my first instinct was of mild panic. How on earth am I going to find another car to drive in two weeks? I got this message right before Marcail and I walked outside for our last morning-hot-tub excursion our last day in California. In the hot tub, my mind bounced from one idea to another. Maybe I could do This or maybe I could call That Person or maybe I could use my insurance and rent a car or...

Let Go.

It was so clear, somebody might as well have spoken it out loud.

Stop trying to plan and control. Stop worrying.

Let Go.

So I laid my head back on the cement and I prayed. Dear God, I really need a new car. Soon. Please. Somehow, I don't know how. But I need one. Thank you. Amen.

I was a child putting my needs in the hands of my daddy.

It was so simple.

Could it be so simple?

All this time, was this all that I needed to do?

Dear God, please give me the ability to pay down my debts. Please make it possible for me to move to California. This time next year would be good. I would really like that. Thank you. Amen.

Father God, I really want to book some weddings this summer. Please send me brides and grooms with whom I'd be a good fit. I would love to do at least 10 weddings, but you want to bless me with more, I will not complain. I do not want to limit you. Thank you. Amen.

Father, thank you for all the blessings you've given me. Thank you that I got to photograph an engagement shoot on the beach. That was amazing. Thank you for keeping Marcail and I safe. Thank you for all the wonderful people who were so hospitable to us out in California. Thank you for bringing some clarity to my life. Thank you that you want me to be happy. I love you. Thank you for loving me.

Amen

Tattoo

As an aside, I've nearly decided on my next tattoo. I've really known what I've wanted to do for a long time. Very simple. Very profound (to me at least). Unfortunately, when I googled it, I found my idea wasn't very original. In fact, the below photo is exactly what I wanted. I mean. Exactly. Good to know.

Let go. On my wrist. A reminder. 

Let go 

of fear

expectation

longing

hurt

loneliness

that ONE PERSON you just cannot get over

control

regret

pain

jealousy

expectation

control

envy

lust

the past

the future

what should happen

how people see me

control

expectation

. . . .

can you tell what I struggle with?

The inspiration of living with Hope

I have been inspired on this trip
to read more
and maybe finally
publish my own book.
Yes, it's true.

I have made designs to
make more
connections.
Meet more
people.
Dream bigger,
be more decisive
and above all,
live with hope.
Don't live my life for others.
Make every decision mine.
Own up.
Good decisions and
even the ones that turn out not so good,
do them for me
and my future
and what I feel I'm called to.
Then at least I will know I
followed my heart
and did not follow
someone else.

There is a great big world out there
just waiting,
an enormous story begging to be
written.
A million perfect photographs to take,
a million more times to look at God's creation
in awe.
The sunset over the ocean.
A wave crashing on the beach.
There are people to meet and
knowledge to be gained
and friendships to be forged.

Don't give up on this life
it has just begun.

I live with that hope in my heart
and I notice
how it has changed me.

California Plan

I've been on a lot of vacations. I've had the great fortune of traveling and seeing lots of really great places. Mexico. Paris. Vancouver. Yellowstone. Boston. The Grand Canyon. Disneyworld...  and I've always thought to myself, oh, this is a nice place. I'm glad I came here. Wouldn't it be cool to live here? And then I go home and part of me is glad to be home with my friends and family and familiarity. I put my photos on a disk or print them out and put them in frames and dream of going back to visit.

This place, however. This place is different. I had a California plan in place this time last year. I almost took it to completion this past summer (remember me moving out of my apartment and selling practically everything I owned? Remember me moving in with James "temporarily" until I got my transfer out West?)

This trip has solidified everything I thought was true, everything I knew deep down inside about myself and everything I've been pushing aside for YEARS out of fear.

I belong here. In this place. In this part of the world. These are my people. This is my space. My air. My water. My waves. My sand. My sun. My breath. My life. It does not feel like vacation. It feels like coming home. It feels like waking up at 7am and drinking coffee and reading scripture and going for a run before my day starts. It feels like I know the lady behind the counter at the coffee shop because she deep down inside, knows me. That man handing me the soft corn taco? He is my brother. The girl with the wet suit and the board who follows me down to the beach is my sister. The guy in the VW Bus up ahead with the peace sign sticker, he is my father and my uncle and my best friend's grandpa.

I was so worried about making new friends. How silly. You know how many new friends I've made in the past 6 months alone?
I was worried about getting plugged into a church. That's laughable. Some of my most dear friends now I met at a church I started 4 months ago.
I was worried about fitting in at a new Target. Done and done.

God has taken me through every one of my fears right there in good old Kansas and I have triumphed them all. There is nothing to fear. Nothing to hold me back. The cold, dark winter will be there when I get back to KS but it doesn't have to be there for me forever.

But California is so expensive. You don't know anyone out there. People are mean. The traffic sucks.

Maybe so. But I'm not letting fear and doubt get in my way anymore. This is what I declare! 2014 will be the year I get my life back on track, straightened out, debt free and focused. I don't fully know what waits for me on the other side of this wall, but I do know it will be free and beautiful and where I belong. I'm pushing forward with my life and my California Plan is back on track. Man, this decision has never felt so right.

Drowning SuperBarb

I'm reading Velvet Elvis-- probably one of the best books on Christianity I own. It's interesting to read through this book and process some of its truths while I'm out here on vacation. First, it's the beginning of the year so I'm already going through some heavy life professing. Second, I'm in a new, fabulous place with lots of time to plan my future and question what I'm doing with my life and why I'm not living in California. Third, Rob Bell just reminded me that I need to be focusing completely on pursuing who God created me to be. If I'm not focused on that, then I am sinning.

Oh man.

So here I am.

So Im thinking about why I am where I am and why I'm doing what I'm doing. And who am I trying to please? Myself? My bosses? My friends? My family? All of the above? Rob Bell says that we all have a Supersomebody in our heads that we constantly compare ourselves to. So true. I have a SuperBarb. I found this out at Focus. SuperBarb is perfect and funny and skinny and has a great career and tons of friends and wakes up at 6am every day to read her bible and then she is rockstar at work and everyone admires her and wants to be like her and then she works out for 2 hours and then devotes an hour a day to reading and an hour a day to writing and playing guitar and then she goes to bed at 11pm every night...

This person needs to be killed. It's a nice idea. But trying to be that person stresses me out. And when I come face to face with the realization that I cannot be this person, I sabotage myself. And I do things I shouldn't. And I spend money I shouldn't. And I pursue things I think will make me feel better about myself but don't.

She needs to die. I need to take her out into the ocean and drown her. Or maybe feed her to a shark. Or maybe burn her in the firepit out back. Either way, she's not coming back home with me. She will die this week in California. Because there is something bigger for me out there than what I'm trying for. There is someOne more important than all these people I'm trying to impress. And you know what? Perhaps my purpose in life is not to impress anyone. I need to remember that my calling might be higher than that. I might be asked to do some crazy things. I might be called to a life that seems ridiculous to us here in the comfortable American middle class. I think these things because my heart craves these things and always has and I've stopped myself because I've been afraid of failure and of disappointment and of judgement.

SuperBarb doesn't try to surf for the first time with relative strangers. She'd be too afraid to fail. SuperBarb wouldn't say No to going out with friends over and over again in order to save money and pay down debt because she's too worried about hurting feelings. She wouldn't put her own health over other's comfort. She wouldn't go to bed early even though the roommates are still up. She wouldn't stand up for justice. She wouldn't cut out the harmful people in her life. She wouldn't choose water over wine at a dinner party or seek out God's plans for herself and whole heartedly run after them with blinders on.

So she deserves to die.

And this broken, vulnerable, trusting, courageous and loved woman will take her place.

He Spent Two Weeks In Haiti

And he txt'd me yesterday to tell me about it.

Oh man.

I am in trouble.

He was working in an orphanage. He loved it so much, he wanted to move there.

(this is a man I have dated
and took a break from.
We reconnected with this past November...)

I am in trouble.

I txt'd him back,
said I worked this weekend
and then was going to
California
but
we should go out
when I got back.

He said he would like that.

Oh man.

I am in trouble.

In light of my previous post,
Lord help me now.

So When Are you Going to Get a Boyfriend?

"Who asks that?"

"Everybody," she mumbled, her mouth full of chicken and rice. "They ask it like there's something wrong with me. Like I am purposefully not in a relationship by some grand design of my own."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah. And then it's usually followed with a, 'hey, when are you and your roommate going to finally get together...' which is simply awkward and unnecessary."

She was sitting in the breakroom at work, eating her dinner with a fellow manager and friend. He was eating a personal pan pizza and breadsticks from Pizza Hut. She was eating carefully weighed out and pre-portioned chicken and rice with a spinach salad. He had made fun of her meager dinner. She had pointed out that he was going to get fat from his own dinner and then his new wife would leave him for a younger man. He had laughed her off... then pushed his breadsticks to the side.

"How did you meet Melissa?" she asked, taking a bite of her salad.

He shrugged.

"Oh, I don't know. Friend of a friend. We started chatting and then hanging out and then hanging out more alone. I couldn't even tell you when our first date was." He laughed then. "Then one day she asked me if we were 'together' and I said 'sure'. We got married a year later."

"How romantic," she deadpanned. "You just got married, right? June?"

"Yeah, June."

Big Bang Theory was playing on the TV. She glanced up at it, caught a line, chuckled, looked back down. Took another bite of chicken. She caught him looking at her out of the corner of her eye.

"You were married, right?" he asked. Few people at her work knew this about her. It wasn't something she talked about.

"Yeah."

"You must've got married young."

"I did."

Twenty-Two was very young to get married, no matter what anybody said.

"Yeah, I waited. Thirty was the perfect age for me. I didn't really grow up until about a year ago." He laughed again. Took a bite of his pizza. "I was a partier. I mean, you know I still kinda am, but I was worse a couple years ago."

"Didn't you tell me you don't even remember your bachelor party?" she asked, a smirk on her face. He looked chagrined.

"I remember the first couple hours."

"And then you told me how hung over you were at your own wedding."

"Yeah, that was pretty bad."

"Well, whenever I get married again, I'm not going to have a big to-do I think. I think I want just a small get-together. Friends. Like at a little place in a vineyard. Good food. Maybe some wine. Live music. Some dancing. Intimate. You had a big wedding, right?"

"Oh, yeah, it was big. Melissa wanted a big, fancy thing. I wish I could've done something smaller. I mean, but I'm just the guy. I didn't really get a say."

"Yeah."

They lapsed into a pause. Sheldon said something funny on TV. She finished her chicken. It was almost time for them to go back.

"But don't worry," he said, before finishing off his pizza. "Whenever you want to get into a relationship, you will. I mean, when the right guy comes along, you know... you'll know."

"Well, if you've got any single friends..."

He laughed again. It was one of the things she enjoyed about him, that he laughed a lot. Sometimes at himself, sometimes at her. She didn't mind too much. He was only one of maybe three or four people at work that she spoke candidly with. He was one of the few she felt she could be herself around.

"Sure, sure, I'll keep an ear out. But in the meantime, don't worry about it. A girl like you doesn't need to be hanging off of some guy. You've got too much going for you."

She was flattered by the compliment. And a little bashful.

"Well thanks," she tried to shake it off. "I'll take that to heart."

"Well, yeah." He stood up to leave, grabbed his trash. "I meant it. Don't listen to those people. Your guy will come along."

She stood too. She didn't really know what to say, so she didn't say anything. She followed him back into the main room. They clocked back in.

"I'm going to check the line," he said then. Back to work. "If there aren't any pulls, I'm starting on abandons. I'll have the team start the zone."

"Ok. Sounds good, thanks." He was reporting to her. She was the one in charge. "Let me know what's on the line. Maybe I'll have softlines run from the fitting room for a while first."

"Will do."

They split up, went their separate ways. But his words still rattled in her ear. Don't worry about it. A girl like her didn't need to be hanging off of some guy. So true. So refreshingly honest. No, she didn't, did she? She was perfectly content and fine the way she was, wasn't she?

Folding clothes later, she let her mind wander a bit. Touching on life. On her relationships, on truth. She pondered the incredible night she had just passed with two of her friends in their cozy house. She thought about her roommates at home, probably cooking dinner together, eating rice and vegies and anything else that was on their collective diet... she thought about the guy she'd been texting and whether that was such a good idea or not...

She didn't need some guy to make her whole. She was whole as she was.

She was the only one responsible for her own happiness.

No thing and no one could define her.

She took a deep breath. Inhale. Exhale.

Thank you, God, for bringing her back to a place of completeness. Simple conversations to remind her of simple truths...

Unconditional Love

"Have you ever been unconditionally loved?"

She turns towards him, arms on the couch back, space heater on. "I mean, when they know everything and I mean *everything* about you but they love you. No judgement. No condemnation. Just acceptance. Just love. That was my weekend."

He had not experienced such a thing, that is evident by the look on his face.

"You didn't want to leave, did you?" He asks. She shakes her head. "Yeah," he says, "I could tell."

Aparently it was obvious.

She missed them the moment she walked out the door. She talked about them endlessly during the 90 minute drive home. She talked about moving to Emporia.

"Don't do that," he said. "I've lived there."

She laughed. She had laughed more in the past 36 hours than...

Coming home, sitting in front of the fireplace, she had said the words she'd wanted to say... words she had wanted everyone to hear. Unconditional love. He had just put down the guitar he'd been playing. She had gathered her book and journal. He'd turned off the fireplace. They were heading upstairs to bed. Unconditional love. She knew he longed for it just as she did. Just as every person with breath had a desire to be so loved.

Just as you are.

"They know everything?" He asks.

"Yeah," she says. "Pretty much."

Life. Mistakes. Choices. Regrets. Failures. Hopes. Dreams.

"Harmonie gave me some good advice. I love you and all, but its good to get other opinions from time to time. Shes more grounded than you and I are. Shes got that frankness of heart I need to hear sometimes. And I trust what she says."

He considers this.

She had been considering it for 48 hours. Love. Friendship. The common bond of belief and truth and purpose. What to do next.

Her sweater smells like lavender. She relishes the moment. She was sad to leave such a sacred place but she knew her purpose. She journaled it when she got home.

Happiness is a choice.

And the future is real and trustworthy and full of surprises. She knows this and will share this and will stand unafraid. How affirming to stand beside friends and affirm truth. How rare and how beautiful.

The fire goes out. They walk upstairs. Peace is in her heart. No more words need to be spoken and she can tell he's still contemplating the weight of her words.

Unconditional love on this side of Heaven. Could it be true?