Confession time

I usually try to stay pretty positive on this blog but I must confess... that pressure on my chest is really starting to tighten. I'm having a "conference call" of sorts with my landlord to talk about my options. Meanwhile, I've got a stack of bills on my computer desk. Had a bad run in with my bank in January. Cost me something to the tune of $600. Gone. Where? Not sure. Bank fees mostly. Lots of things automatically coming out and not going through... Lots of $35 fees...

Well, I got the automatic withdrawls cancled and the bank refunded two of my 15 $35 fees... gee, thanks, Commerce. And your $35 overdraft fee on my $8 service charge fee? Gotta love that one too.

Needless to say...

I put yet two more ads on Craigslist. One for a roommate and one offering wedding photography. I'm looking for things to sell in my house. I haven't been able to pay a utility bill all month.

Like I said, my friends have been good about making me keep up a social life... otherwise, I'd probably hide under the covers of my bed and not come out for another two months or so. But I know that wouldn't really solve anything...

Not looking for pitty, really. Maybe prayer. Because Something Must Change....

I Listened to Moby Today

And that means it felt like Spring. Moby's music does something to my soul that I do not understand. It makes me think in poetry and speak in song lyrics. It makes me want to fly. It makes me want to sit under the heavy, green trees at Kaldis on Demun. It makes me want to go to City Museum. It makes me want to drive to River Market with the windows down and go to Planter's Seed & Spice company on Walnut and buy some fresh, loose tea. I want to put on flip flops and capris.

Listening to Moby is driving 45 mph on a good stretch of road with the windows down after a spring rain. The air smells clean and warm. Life is heavy with possibilities.

Today was a gift. A bit of Spring in the middle of winter. It reminded me of Who I Am.

And why I need to move to California...

Hannibal's on my mind today

Today I miss Hannibal. Yes, it does happen from time to time. I woke up this morning and the weather was perfect and I really wanted to go down to Java Jive and get an iced Americano or maybe a hot one and say hi to Linda and maybe see Katie and then go to Riverview Park. Maybe on a day like today I would've grabbed my camera and gone across the river to the little beach area and I would've taken some really great pictures of down town and the Mississippi. I would've opened all the windows in the house and made a great lunch and sat on my porch and eaten it. I would've put on my yoga DVD in my bright, orange living room and Jade would've watched me stretch and probably would've interfered a little. And in the evening, we would've gone to LaBinah or maybe the Brick Oven and had good food and wine.

I mostly miss the river, I think. The small town atmosphere. The hills. The lighthouse. Java Jive of course and my friends who worked there and went there. Riverview Park and the water-front. I miss the art community and the festivals. I miss Kelly's across the street and all those places that aren't even there anymore. Pirate's Cove. The Wine Garden. Bubba's. I miss being able to walk everywhere. And I really miss First Presbyterian.

I miss Hannibal on certain spring or autumn days. I miss the poetry I wrote there and the friends I had there and the live music and the fellowship. I miss the random weekend trips to St Louis. I miss seeing my college friends.

Not that I want to go back. Not that times weren't incredibly difficult. Not that I didn't miss my family and miss KC a great deal and it's not that I don't have an abundance of friends here who are really great... I guess Black Dog and Shawnee Mission Park are just stand ins today, that's all.

And it's okay to feel nostalgic every once in a while as long as I don't get stuck.

Lucky Girl

So remember that time I decided to become a vegetarian? I was doing so well. Rice, beans, the occasional Chipotle (free range organic grass fed). Then last night I had steak. I did not buy it but I'm sure it wasn't organic or free range or grass fed. But it was a gift and it was delicious. Even though I have no money and no real food of my own, I got to stand in a kitchen and slice onions and peppers and broccoli and saute spinach and drink some wine and help create a meal and eat it and it was glorious.

There's something about a good, home cooked meal that goes beyond arbitrary boundaries (however well meaning). There's something about having people in your life who will call you up and say, I know you are completely broke so come over and let's make dinner. I have managed to acquire friends who will offer to take me out for sushi and buy my beer at the jazz club and have me over for pizza and send me home with leftovers when we split a meal at work. These friends don't judge me. These friends stand up for me and take me under their wing and they love me (even when sometimes I ignore their txts)....

I am a lucky girl and thank God for them.

To Feel So Safe

My kitty is sleeping on my bed
curled up, his paw
up beside his head.

To feel so safe,
oh, it must be nice, to sleep
beside the space heater so
unconcerned,
so loved,
so warm.

Because he knows that
Mom will come home
eventually
(sometimes it does take a few days)
but he will be fed
and he will be loved
and I will never
ever
leave him.

Tomorrow

Tomorrow I'm waking up at 5am,
I am going vegetarian and
I'm getting gas at QT and not BP
and I'm no longer buying food from
Target or Aldi
or any place that doesn't sell
Fair Trade, Organic, Grass Fed,
Slave-free.
I'm on a mission to save the world
so don't try and stop me.

The world is up in the air
and I lead a life that doesn't
ever
want
to
stop
so I must make the most of it
and take from it what I can
and leave behind the best of
me.

That is, when I die, you see.

Tomorrow I will give
all I can,
what the naysayers say
be damned.
I will get my doubleshot
and maybe a shot
of 5-hr energy
and my hands might shake but
I wouldn't give up my night
tonight
and the conversations
I keep
for anything less.



end

After watching the Passion Video...

That girl, she haunts me

her eyes hold mine through

time and distance and

she could be me, 

my sister, 

my brother,

my friend. 

She was sold

and redeemed.

But in my mind...

All of these voices

Echo my choices

Day in and day out.

How many people do I enslave by

The things I buy, things

I do. Things I think nothing about

And nothing about the lives

That produce them.

What would it take to stop

What I cannot see

Half a world away?

What can I do, my hands feel

Tied.

I’ve tried.

But those voices still resound

In my day today.

They say there are more slaves

In this world right now than

Any other time,

Can it be true? Can I be so blind

To think my life

So disconnect

From their lives touching mine?

end

Welcome to the New Age...

It is 2013 and I've created some goals. They're not necessarily new, but updated perhaps.

Goal #1: finally run my first half marathon. I've got one picked out. April 13, 2012. It's $75 and I'm paying for it with my next paycheck so I can't back out. Spent half an hour at GNC today looking at all the powders and protein shakes and Amino Acid la-de-das that are supposed to help me. Boy, that industry sure makes a lot of money! I'll probably do without all that. Give me some weights and a path to run and I'll get myself there in a heartbeat. . .

Speaking of which, I finally caved in and joined a gym. I got a free 3-day pass and after checking it out with some friends, decided it was the place to be. No, I mean, really. Everybody at Target works out at this place. 24-hr Fitness. Every day I've gone, I've seen someone from work. Which is cool. No lack of work-out buddies, that's for sure. I run on the treadmill. Not a huge fan but better than not running at all. Cold weather is one thing. Snow and ice is another.

Goal #2: Take guitar lessons. Check. First lesson is next Monday at 5p and then every subsequent Monday from now till I know all there is to know.

Goal #3: Read one book a month (at least). Since I got a Kindle, this should be easy to do. So far, I've got one book on that, one book borrowed from a friend and one book borrowed from Dad. So I'm set till April.

Goal #4: Spend one hour a day doing something completely productive on a personal/practical level (paying bills, working on the photography business, doing laundry, etc). This will be a difficult one, I can already tell.

Goal #5: Get plugged into a church. I've been unplugged for a while. Time to open that spiritual door once more and let some Light in.

So there I am. Goals. Five to start. Let the new year begin!