Welcome Back

I feel as though I rediscovered something about myself that I'd lost. I had lost it, that's true. I'd lost it to others's expectations. I lost it to who I Thought I Should Be. I lost it to infatuation and trying to Live Up and... I lost it to Trying instead of Being.

Trying. I suck at trying. I can only hold on for so long. I will always screw it up. I will never live up. I will never be enough. I will never be good enough to get it. I need to accept that as the blessing it is... and move on.

I am.

It came to me while walking down to the Rivermarket this past Saturday morning. It came to me as I laughed at myself while eating eggs and hash-browns and ham at a tiny diner and then when walking back, I took a deep breath of the spring-like air and laughed again.

It came to me as I danced at O'Dowds Saturday night to Katy Perry's Dark Horse and I let go of Everything and just existed. I love to dance. I hadn't been out dancing since... maybe November? Maybe before? It came to me as I stood on the chilly sidewalk at 3am, flagging down a taxi. It came to me as I woke up the next day at 11am, sunlight streaming through the windows, regret touching briefly on my mind to flee away. No regrets. It came to me as I ate a brunch of homemade waffles stuffed with sausage and cheese and then later as I drove to work.

It came to me as I sat at the high top table at midnight with two of my co-workers Sunday night, sharing beer and stories and listening to hearts and needs and reaching out to fill that emptiness.

I am. This is me. This is who I am. Who am I to try to be anything else. I feel so free. So true. Not whole yet. Not yet complete, but on the right track.

Things and people I clung to to define me and make me feel special and give me solidarity I see now merely held me back. This is me.

Hello!