Feeling Judged

You know, it's a burden,
always knowing that
people are watching,
counting, feeling,
making categories,
making judgements,
deciding who

you

are

based on
actions and words and
their own insights and intuition
of you. . .


Fuck them.



you are who you are.

Be true to yourself
and the One who made you.



Revel in that.


I guarantee you, shame will not follow.

Into the Wild

In a lot of ways, I miss where I was this time last year. I miss that little apartment on 75th street. I miss the guitars on the wall, the quaint bedroom that fit 2 pieces of furniture, the tiny kitchen, the blood red wall. In many ways, that apartment will be one of my favorites, one that symbolized freedom and security and Home. No place had felt like home since my childhood. No place has felt like home since. 

Perhaps it was because I was so broken when I first moved in. Maybe it's because I first went through Focus and came home to those crimson walls. I remember coming back after Focus II, curling up on that black clad sofa, not knowing how to answer the questions my roommate posed, feeling exposed and vulnerable and real. Going to see Hunger Games II and then coming home and it was Home. It was a safe place... a place for me to hash out my feelings and the future. A place to belong to. 

That place is gone. We painted over those blood-red walls. We took down the book shelves. We let the stain on the carpet go unattended. But I will not let that apartment define me. 

I will not let my workmates define me. 

Nor my new friends. 

Nor my family's expectations of me. 

I am my own person. 

And I want for myself what I want. 

My future is my own. 

On the dawn of 2015, that is what I'm learning. 

Looking upon the dawn of 2013, I had such specific, trivial plans set aside for myself. Hike the Grand Canyon. Learn guitar. Go skiing. Most of which I've accomplished in two short years. But, now, here's to the real future. Here's to what I really want. Here's to who I want to be. 

Here's to where God is going to lead me. 

Away from here, I see that now. 

Away from these comforts I've gained. 

Away from roommates. 

Away from friends. 

Into the wild, 

The unknown. 

You know what I'm going to say here: 

Bring it. 

bring it on. 

Can You Still Have Regret for The Right Decision?

October. Here you are again, once more.

I changed my cover photo on Facebook today and I changed it to a photo I took one truly fateful day in October two years ago. It was a day that solidified the entirely new course my life had just set. It was the day I made up my mind about the life I wanted and the life I was leaving. It was the day I chose this path that I am on now.

October 14, 2012

I had a dream last night. It's been a reoccurring dream lately. In this dream, I regret my decision two years ago with such a ferocity I wake up nearly in tears. The bitterness of a life shattered still on my tongue. The old wound in my heart still throbbing. The life I chose to leave behind haunts me. The promises I had once upon a time made still rankle. I feel like a fraud, a cheat.  And that day in the woods where I first took that October photo, that day where I had felt truly free for the first time in years... that day shames me. My actions at that time bring fresh grief. This life I have now feels hollow and fake and as safe as shifting sand.

It's all these weddings I've been going to and photographing, I think. It just reminds me of my own failure.

But as I lay there in bed, calming my heart, fighting back the tears, I remind myself of why I chose this life. I think of what I have now. I think of what my life would probably be like without that decision. I think of the woman I had been-- one who realized one day that she never laughed anymore. The one who walked on egg shells. The one who was constantly questioning herself. The one who lived in almost constant shame. The one who beat at the bars of her sanctified cage and finally one day broke free.

And when I stand in my loft with the windows open, music playing, quiche in the oven, the regret instantly vanishes.

When I have lunch with a guy friend, I don't fear retribution.

When I mix and mingle at entrepreneur events, I don't constantly scan the room anymore, looking for that pair of jealous eyes.

I don't fear religious discussions over a glass of wine.

I finally have faith that my life will amount to something more than heart-ache and brokenness.

There is more to this life than atoning for my mistake.

In the past two years, I have finally started to believe... once and for all... that I am a worthy person. That I help make others feel worth. That I am courageous. That I can be vulnerable. That I can screw up big time and I can still be loved and accepted.

. . . Also that I can belong to another person without being possessed entirely. That two people can disagree without it turning into a vicious argument. That I can be with someone who actually wants to meet my friends, encourages me to pursue my dreams, wants to become a better person with me. That's crazy talk. It's supposed to be like this? This is what I've been missing out on all those years? I look into his blue eyes and in them there is delight. I love being looked at like that.

Two years ago in October, I stepped out on faith and stepped off the pavement and I chose the path that led deeper into the woods instead of back home. That day was exhilarating, terrifying, spontaneous and completely out of character for me (at the time).

Last October, I stepped out on faith and restarted this photography business of mine that has allowed me to now live where I love.

This October... well. Who knows where I'll go this time around... but I know one thing for sure. I will never regret the lessons I've learned or the person I've become today. I'll never regret meeting the people I have in my life now and I'll never regret trusting this process. And I will never regret choosing how I did when I came to that fork in the road.

Being Young and Living the Dream

I am sitting at my computer.
At my desk.
In my loft.

The windows are open. The soft summer breeze is blowing through my four open windows. Outside, there are people walking a dog. Two bikers with helmets that blink. The sun has recently set, the sky is still pinkish and hazy. It smells like Westport and by that I mean food trucks. There are people walking to their car from the Jazz club two blocks down. One Republic is playing on my stereo. I hear the train in the distance. Life is good.

I had a beer on the deck of the bar beside me with two great people, one dear to me and the other I just met. I met a bunch of terrific people this past Saturday and I will see them again this weekend. The new friend I met tonight is joining us on our bike tour this Wednesday. Holy cow. I am doing a bike tour in Westport this Wednesday. I am going to first fridays this Friday. I am going to a party in the loft of a new friend and will be surrounded by my new friends this Saturday. I had a wedding consultation this past Wednesday, this past Saturday, then today... Holy cow. This is my new life, I tell myself, relishing in it, hardly believing it, thankful for everything that denotes.

This is mine.

I claim this time, this place, this city, this dream.

I am sitting at my computer
at my desk
in my loft,
editing wedding photos and
blogging
with the windows open wide,
the wind chime I keep hanging
from my lamp clinking,
thinking of a boy I just shared a drink with tonight and
I'm meeting with for lunch tomorrow
and riding with on Wednesday
and
I can't believe this is my life.

I don't want to wake up from this,
this impossible dream.

May it never end.

Living in Action

Free fall.

That's the only way to describe my life immediately following The Night of my husband and my's separation.

The bottom falls quite suddenly out on this foundation you've built your life on. Suddenly, everything is in the air, nothing is grounded, everything is upside down, nothing is as it should be. I drank a bottle of wine that night and called my best friend. "I kicked him out." There was an edge of sheer panic in my voice. I never remember what she said but it was something along the lines of I Love You and with that I fell asleep.

It took more than a year for me to find myself again.

When I found myself, it was with my face down on the basement carpet of a big house in Olathe and with one fail swoop, my life was no longer lived in reaction... as it had been for the previous 17 months, but was suddenly focused. Action. Moving forward.

This is me. This is what I want. This is what I'm doing.

I'm moving down town. I'm finding a new job. I'm getting reconnected. I'm leaving all these band-aids behind that I've relied on and I'm going in search of real healing and a Real Life. . .

And Here I Am.

I never ever ever ever thought my Fork in the Road would lead me here. Not in a million years. But I'm so grateful for where I am now...

I feel like I've finally reached that horizon. I've finally arrived. The journey that began that September 26th, 2012 can finally end and now, I can really start this life...

Name it and Claim it! (?)

I don't ascribe to a Name It and Claim It mentality. I don't think God or the universe gives us everything we want just because we speak it. New Car! Trip to Italy! A Million Dollars! Having said that, I think there is certainly some truth to the power of our words. There's a truth when it comes to the things we speak and the things we dwell on. The bible is pretty clear about the power of the tongue.

Having said all that, here's the story. So the church I attend on Wednesday nights does something when they take the tithe. They put on the screen things that they are believing God for: it's the idea that God has promised to bless us if we give, that God is waiting for us to be generous and He will be generous back. This is the list we recite:

Jobs and better jobs,
Raises and bonuses
Benefits Sales and commissions
Favorable settlements
Estates and inheritances
Interests and income
Rebates and returns
Checks in the mail
Gifts and surprises
Finding money
Debts paid off
Expenses decrease
Blessing and increase


This is controversial even in the church let alone to people outside the church. But I believe there is power in words, so the congregation reads this list out loud every service right before the tithe is taken-- myself included.

Fast forward to this morning. We had an all staff meeting, we have one every month. Well, this morning they announced that at noon, all the staff gets to go to a designated place and pick up a check... not a pay check. It's a bonus. Do Something Nice with the money, our interim ceo told us. Don't spend it on the electric bill- You deserve to spend the money on yourself.

When we picked up our checks, people were flabbergasted. No reason. No warning. Each check was a large amount of money. I immediately thought of that list I had just spoken out loud the other day at church.

Gifts and surprises. Finding money. Blessing and increase.

Coincidence? Name it and Claim it? The Law of Attraction?

I'm just putting it out there that perhaps what we do with our time/money/words has further reaching ramifications than we give it credit for. Perhaps we really need to wake up to how we use our resources and how we want them returned back to us. Joy gives way to joy... and in the right mind frame, trials can also produce joy. If we have a spirit of giving, then what we receive in life will be a reflection of that. If we have a spirit of loving others before ourselves, we will receive that as well.

Should we tithe in order to gain the above blessings? No, I don't think so. Should we do good expecting good things to come back to us? I don't think that either. We give and we do good because it is the right thing to do, because we put our money and our time where it is most important to us. And true happiness comes from a thankful, joyful heart.

Let me end by saying, though, that I am not above sometimes putting God in a box. And it's really nice when he surprises me in such a blessed way!

Real Time Update

It's a cautious thing, meeting someone for the first time. First date. First impressions. First day on the job. First time meeting new clients. First time meeting new consumers... 

I've been meeting lots and lots and lots of people lately for the first time. I've been brushing up on my first impression skills. Lots of smiles. Lots of shaking hands. Lots of feigned interest or real interest. Lots of names to remember. Lots of trying really hard to not try to impress. Lots of opportunists to remember who I am and to showcase my real self. Lots of opportunities to decide who I am and where I'm going and who I want to be and who and what I want to surround myself with. 

Remember that time I blogged about my life being on the brink? Remember how I talked about standing on a ledge, how the choices I make in the next few months will shape who I will Become? I was so right. And I am so right in the middle of that right now. 

My friend Sunil found me on my first day at The Whole Person last month. He looked at me, grinned, and said "Welcome to the first day of your new life". 

He was so right. 

Which church do I choose? Where do I choose to live? What activities do I choose to fill my new time with? What do I do with my new weekends totally off? What do I plan for my summer? Who do I choose to share this life with... what friends, what roommate, which of my many guys...

Meaningful work? Crushing it. Where to live? Found the place. Roommate? (after all that agony... no change was needed...). Activities? Signed up for and begun. Church? Chosen. Summer Plans? Filling up. Something Bigger than myself to be devoted to? Got it. Boyfriend? Well, can't have everything all at once can we? 

In my estimation, the only thing on my list is to actually move. Once that is accomplished, it seems the life I have dreamed of for myself has finally materialized. It feels almost too good to be true. But after the past 20 months I've had... I will take it and accept it and be grateful.