Online Dating has Taught Me Some Valuable Lessons

Remember that time I blogged about transparency? About how I have apparently made it my life's mission to teach and reach others through this blog? And that the way I've done this is to simply share my story. And to do this takes a transparency that most people are uncomfortable with? 

So. In light of this, let me admit that I have an online dating profile.

Bam. 

I just said it. Can't get more transparent than that.

Why on earth would I do that, you may ask. I'm a relatively attractive woman in her early thirties with a lot going for her... surely I don't have to resort to eharmony...

But I am by nature a cautious person. I like to see guys's profiles before I agree to go out with them. How many single people have gone on completely worthless dates with your friend's boyfriend's friend and the two of you have absolutely nothing in common? My roommate makes fun of me because I talk about how no date is better than a bad date. "At least you get a free dinner out of it," is his comment. And to that I say, some things aren't worth even a free meal. Can I get an Amen?

Thus, online dating. It's like grocery shopping for a date. You check the info, check the packaging, decide whether to try it out-- money back guaranteed. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't.

And you know what? I've met some great people. Obviously, nobody who's worked out to marriage just yet but I still have hope. Yeah, I've met some strange ones too, that's for sure. But that's just what you get sometimes. I will say that the stranger the date, the better the story. And I've actually made friends with some of these guys... people I can still call up on a Thursday night for dinner or live music and it's not awkward or weird.

And every date I go on, every person I meet-- it teaches me a bit about myself and it teaches me a bit about what I will tolerate in a relationship and what I won't. It helps me focus my vision on what I want out of life. It helps me realize what is important to me.

A sense of humor. Kindness. Personal strength without arrogance. Curiosity. A love for God. A passion for the outdoors. A passion for people and social justice and a deep desire to want to be a part of something greater than himself. Somebody not wrapped up in appearance. Somebody in tune with cultural norms but who isn't caught up in other's opinion. Someone open to new experiences.

He doesn't have to be rich. We don't have to like the same music. We don't have to have the same background. But we have to be going the same way... to the same place.

Is that too much to ask?

"It's going to take a special guy to be with you," I hear often. I take it as a compliment. I completely agree And I won't settle for less.

Excerpt from an Email

I wrote the below in an email to a good friend who was struggling. When I was finished, I read it out loud to James. I wanted to make sure I wasn't being too harsh-- but they asked for my opinion and I have a hard time beating around the bush... James approved. Paused. Then told me it sounded like I was writing it to myself. 

Well, of course. 

Any blog I write that resonates, any email I send of a difficult subject matter I can articulate because I've been there. Every post on this blog I write to myself first of all, a tool to remind myself of who I am and where I've come from and where I'm going. So the below is an excerpt from an email I wrote to my friend... but one I need to also hear for myself, and one I hope everyone can internalize and realize and live from.

People Try out of fear. Try to be good enough. Smart enough. Wealthy enough. Have the perfect marriage. Perfect kids. Perfect life. They judge because they feel judged. They put down in order to feel lifted up. They struggle and they try because fear propels them to work for love and acceptance.

I pray you can feel the freedom of living in true grace. You deserve to be loved for who you are and not what you do. For just you.  

Until you truly believe that in your heart and in your gut and deep down in the dark places of your soul, you will always struggle to be good enough. You will try to stop seeming arrogant. You will try to be nicer. You will try to watch your words and tone. You will try try try try... and you will struggle and beat your head against the wall and you will fail. Once you learn the unfathomable truth of real love and freedom and joy, you won't have to try anymore... humility and grace will flow from you. The emptiness will be gone. The wounds of your divorce will heal. The depression will be gone. You will sing and dance and rejoice... that is my prayer for you....

Amen

Choose Love

At the End of the Day
it's about love.

It's about loving yourself
and making the right choices
for yourself
and loving others enough
to put yourself aside
sometimes.

It's about loving yourself enough to
love people
when they've let you down.

It's about seeing the
broken, hurt,
painful world we live in and
deciding to care.

It's about walking down that street,
head up,
gaze firm,
shoulders back
because there is no fear inside you...
just love.

It's about making eye contact
with that stranger
or giving the man in the
Quick Trip parking lot your
last dollar bill
you were saving for your 2:00 Mountain Dew
back at the office.

It's about loving the broken
(and that's everyone).
That man who beat you,
that wife who cheated on you
and that school aged bully that gave you
nightmares.
It's about holding them
accountable in your heart for the pain they caused
and then loving yourself enough
to love them still.

This is not easy.

But at the end of the day,
Hokey Pokey aside,
that's what it's all about.

We all operate from a place of
fear or
love.

Choose love.

Music pt 2

What is it about music?

Why is it so effective at touching us where it matters? Why is it so effective at getting us from our heads to our hearts?

Talking this over with several people, I have come to a conclusion...

Music is linked with our spirituality. Whether we consider ourselves spiritual or not. Like it or not. It's true. Music is linked to our creativity which is linked to our spirituality.

And for some reason, all this is heightened in the Spring.

I've noticed it. But lately, others have told me the same thing. Nicer weather makes them more creative and in turn makes them more in tune with music which in turn makes them more in tune with spiritual things.

Hm...

Just some thoughts.

Hallelujah I'm Still Here

Music.

It gets me from my head to my heart.

I live a lot of life in my head.

I process lots of things. I rarely show emotion (other than laughing... I do laugh a lot).

But music gets me to my heart.

Do you ever need to listen to music with headphones? I mean... you must listen to certain songs only with headphones... It's like plugging the music into your soul. It's the only way to really take it in.

I was sitting at Black Dog the other day with my roommate and we were working on something and I was listening to a radio station on spotify... when all of a sudden, a certain song from Moby came on and I. Stopped. Breathing.

I realized about a minute and a half into the song that my hands were still raised above the keys. My mouth was slightly ajar. I was staring creepily at the barista....

My breath was shallow, my heart was moved, I wanted to cry. No reason. There were no words to this particular song. But the way the music moved... the way each measure led into the next and built and throbbed with something bigger than myself....

It was pretty intense. I played it for James later but it was on some crappy speakers in our basement and he didn't get the full effect so it didn't strike him the same way it did me.

Or maybe music is simply a deeply personal experience and that is why it means so much to us.

That's why the music we listen to is so important.

I've been dating these past 12 months or so and one of the first questions I always ask is "what kind of music do you listen to?" The answer really isn't too important. I like all kinds of music. Really, I listen to Pop and Rock and Country and Rap and Techno and Dance and Christian and Emo and Dubstep and. . .

But it matters that they care. It matters that it means something to them. It matters that not only do they listen, but that they understand the importance.

And that's why singing is important to me. And worship music in church. It's the singing that brought me back to God. It's the Passion song 'One Thing' which makes me cry every time... it's "White Flag" it's "Blessed Be" and "Oceans" and "I Surrender" and "Lay Me Down". . . .

It's what brought me back last year. It's what broke me. It's what caused me to stand there at Heartland last April, hands up, heart pounding, knowing if I Did This. . . if I Went There. . . there was no going back.

And I went there.

And I haven't gone back.

Through all the trials and tribulations and disappointments of this past year, through the heartache and the pain, my own folly and learning to forgive. . .  I'm still Here.

Hallelujah. Praise God. Thank you, Father.

 I'm still Here.

Amen.

Night Time Drive

360 days ago I drove these streets and it had been raining, I remember. I was glad to get out at the time. I did not then know what desperation, joy and heartbreak that would follow my leaving that tiny house out in the country of Shawnee. That house made me and broke me and set me up for the woman I would become… the woman born from isolation deeper and community stronger than she had known at that time.

I drove those same streets tonight, each passing headlight and each passing streetlight a reminder, each bend on the road familiar, each hill and street and backway a ghost that suddenly haunted. That round-a-bout, that Price Chopper, that road and those lights, each flaring a memory buried these past 12 months and now resurrected with all sorts of hopes and dreams that my heart had held on to. The beauty of the rising sun upon the hill as I drove to work… Target. How many different roads had I driven to that place? How many homes had claimed it, how many lifetimes? All dashed, now, all decimated and crumbled like seashells becoming sand.

I need to get out of here

The thought resounded in my head, a clear voice among the memories.

The little blue house out in Shawnee. That symbol of a life falling apart.

And then my next home, that apartment rising on the hill, a mere quarter mile from Shawnee Mission Park. That image of complete abandon, absolute loneliness, untold regret and guilt. I passed it on the highway, a blur on my right, I saw the light glow amber on the statuesque sign.

I need to get out of here.

Then next, the little two bedroom basement place, the Holy of Holies and even that was a memory tarnished, overwritten, painted over with something bleaker but firmer and more true. White-washed for the next chapter to be written (or painted). . .

I need to get out of here.

Each memory, each stretch of road and bend of highway glimmering with the light of the Magic Hour, shimmering, illuminescent, a beauty brought on by a trick of atmosphere and time. Not truth. Truth is much harsher in her estimation. Wisdom is much more clear on my folly.

And now. Will this house in this place be a memory I come back to and replay as a chapter in my life (albeit brief)?

Yes. It’s true.

I have grown and changed more in the past 3 months than in the past 10 years.

I have become. I have known and I have seen and I have chosen. With my head this time and not my heart.

I choose this. And I choose him. And I choose to work at this place. And I choose this life.

I give up the other (and every thing and every person that entails…)

even if my dreams break upon the rocks.

maybe I choose to dream bigger.

It's Time To Announce...

I accepted a job.

It's not with Target.

I have grown to love my job and the people I work with but God has called me someplace else. A position I have prayed for since November. A job that will allow me to focus on photography to my heart's content. A job with my friends. Downtown. Doing something meaningful and purposeful and relational.

My last officially official day with Target is April 19th and at that time, a chapter that has taken nearly 4 years of my life will end. Something I thought I would devote myself to will no longer be a part of my life. My Target family... my Target friends... my after work outings and my closing weekend "what's for dinner" questions will no longer be on my mind...

It is bittersweet since I nearly left it all behind once, and then was drawn back last fall. But I crushed those challenges and I became who I needed to become and I formed those relationships and I faced my perceived inadequacies and proved to myself that I could do it.

I had my review today (what a coincidence). I told my boss, As long as I did what a set out to do... as long as I grew as a person and as a leader... as long as I made strides and you would've been proud to take me on as a peer... then I'm okay leaving this place. I'm okay with the decision I made to come back and now this decision to leave.

People congratulate me. Congratulations! they call out when I tell them I'm moving on. I cannot tell you how many people have told me they're "proud of" me. And maybe they're right. Maybe I was in danger of being stuck.

My friend told me tonight at Barley's that he doesn't want to get stuck. He doesn't want to settle. Eventually there will be a time he moves on (he's been with Target 16 years...). He of course didn't like that I'm leaving. He told me the worst part about working so long in retail is how you make friends with people at work and then they all leave eventually...

Touche, my friend...

But I'm excited for this new adventure I start next Monday. I'm excited for the opportunities it holds, the flexibility it will give me. A Monday-Friday 9-5 job seems like the thing to hold on to. A good schedule to have. I don't know. Whatever God gives me will suit me just fine and this seems to be it. So, good bye, Target! You have served me well and you provided me with my best friends and you shaped me into who I am today and I thank you for it. I hope I do you justice in the future by remembering where I came from.

And to my Target family, new and old... thank you for your support and love. Through the worst times of my life and then through some of the best. Thank you for tolerating me, accepting me, teaching me and allowing me to lead you. You have helped me in ways I cannot articulate. You will always have a special place in my heart... and please do not hesitate to reach out... for Saturday swims with the grandkids or midnight after-work Old Chicago... please do not forget me.

Thank you.

Peace out.

Guess I'm growing up

I just reread through key posts from this blog from the past year and... holy cow. I am in a much different place now than this time last year. This time last year, I was getting ready to move into Aimee and my's place over by the park. I sold a ton of stuff on craigslist. I was working out. Tentatively trying out this church thing. Trying to be an ETL at work. Still struggling with the decision to see the divorce lawyer...

The past 12 months were alternately incredible and difficult. Some of the most difficult. Heck, the past six months have been incredibly difficult. The past three even more so. I keep wanting to simplify my life, clean it up, put it in a box and label it and everything in it so to be classified and easily referenced. But you know what?

Life is messy.

And sometimes your 17 year old roommate winds up living with your ex husband.

And sometimes you are offered incredibly awesome sounding opportunities that don't pan out.

But sometimes they do... just 5 months after you initially wanted it...

And sometimes I need to stay where I am when everything within me wants my own place again.

And sometimes you wind up doing things you said you'd never do (in a good way)

And... ditto (in a bad way)

And sometimes people hurt you
or surprise you
And sometimes relationships change
and dissolve
or grow in a completely different direction.

And sometimes people you have written off completely come back in to your life
and spin it around completely. . .
and you make that choice to push them back away. . .

And sometimes what you thought would be good isn't.

And sometimes God shows up in the strangest places. . .

Because I Can't Divulge All Just Yet...

Toes on the ledge,
peering over, the whole wide world stretching out.
A new journey to begin,
a quest with new characters and a new
destination and I'm
so afraid but so exhilarated because I believe
this is from God.

But in other ways....

I've been looking for a new place to live
down town.
Closer to..
well, I can't
divulge that just yet.

But it just falls through.

Bad credit.
Bad vibes.
Not the right time for things.

So I'm here
in Olathe
now, for the time being.
Here for a time, a purpose,
to become who I need to be,
to stand up for what I know is right.

Focus taught me that I always
Run Away
and I'm Done
Running.
I will stay
right here.
For all the reasons I went back
to Target
last fall
I will stay here now.

And I will claim
This Church
as my church.
And I will claim
these roommates
as my Support.
And I will claim
Olathe as my
home.
Until God leads me otherwise.




Holy Spirit,
lead me,
guide me.
I am done
trying to figure this life
out
for myself.
I am a child
of the God
Most High,
a daughter of
the King
and I claim the
beautiful
future
that lies before me
and I will Not
stress about it
anymore.
Amen.