Just When You Think You've Got it Figured Out. . .

. . . then you realize you don't. I'm struggling not to fall back into the harmful patterns I've been in before. When I feel like all control has been taken away from me. . . when I realize that what I've been killing myself doing still isn't quite enough. . .

I pray. And run. And pray while I run.

It's not me. It's not me. Please, God, just lead me through this.

And as someone today told me, it's not like we're pulling charred bodies out of a ruin. It's friggin' retail. We're not saving lives here or going to Afghanistan. We're in western Shawnee for cryin out loud.

But if it were just work, that'd be okay. To put it simply, I need a vacation. Another one. Perhaps a longer one this time. Maybe one that lasts until the end of third quarter, at least. Wake me up when we're Green.

I praise God for the people he's at least put in my path who are the shinning light of Goodness. I thank you, Cari, for continuing to strive in positivity. You too, Eileen. I am so glad for you both. It's so nice to see a smiling face and to see people who are so glad you're *there*. I'm glad for my "peers" and the people I can sit at the lunch table with and talk about something else other than work.

See, I have a hard time with discipline because food side is my home. For better or worse, that place saved me. I don't recall much of 2007 except for the darkness and 2008 and 2009 I mentally checked out on. Working for this place brought me back and made it possible for us to move and it brought me the encouragement of Kathy and Carmen and Rachel and Eileen. It brought me stability and a safe place to go and a reason to wake up and go on with my life. And my bosses wonder why I'm so loyal to my team. Why I fight for them. . . even at odds at times.

Yeah, I'd make a horrible exec b/c I don't want to leave. Don't send me away.

And yet. I'm going to be 30. "Oh, you feel it too, don't you?" is the response I get from my 30-something peers. Like who I am and what I do isn't good enough.

Well, if I've learned nothing else it's that it really doesn't matter what my job is, as long as I'm living for the Lord and doing His will, then I'll be blessed. I have a hard time dealing with some wedding clients and I have a hard time working retail. Life is hard. But God will make it okay. The people he sends into my life will make it okay.

Jered has been blessed beyond measure and I with him. His new job is a gift from heaven and I'm sure everything I feel. . . all this anxiety inside me is just the adversary attacking. I just need to remember that as I go about my day. As I run and photograph and do the dishes and go to work. We fight not against flesh and blood.

So here we go. Today is a good day. Tomorrow will be better. The Lord is my Strength and my Shield.

Shalom.

ps: yeah, probably not going to post this one on f/b. . .

You Know it's Been One of Those Days When. . .

So you know it's  been one of those days when it's necessary for my mental stability to go running in 80 degree weather at 4 in the afternoon. I mean, I'd kinda been planning to go anyway. . . and then today happened and it suddenly became quite necessary. Today was lots of talking. And lots of talking. And then some more talking. I was exhausted by noon. So what do you do when you've been working so hard just to find out you've been working on the wrong things?

Oh, Life. Isn't that just it?
On the bright side, I made homemade Eggplant Parmesan last night. Ate the left overs for lunch today and got into quite the discussion of God and wealth. Does God give you the desires of your heart even if that means a mansion and a big screen TV? Debatable, yes? Oh, Target. What on earth would I do without you?

So maybe this is all I had to say today. Thanks for reading.

Reflection Day

I can't recall the last time I had a whole day by myself and nothing planned. So that was today. Day off from work. House sitting at Dad and Lisa's. Jered and I got Duncan Donuts coffee and I dropped Jered off at his school (my husband's a teacher aaahhhh!). A bit aimless, I stopped by a Christian bookstore and bought a book. Then with the bookstore fever in me, I stopped by half price books where I bought another book.  . . and a journal. The journal I bought actually has special meaning to me because on the cover is The Great Wave off Kanagawa. It's a pretty famous painting and the Buddhists see the wave in the ocean as 1st a symbol of impermanence and also secondly, a symbol of how we as people are but a single part of something larger than ourselves. Not that I'm a Buddhist, but the concepts above helped me several years ago to proceed through a dark time. That everything changes and nothing is permanent in this word except God, and that I am not out there standing alone separate from the flow of life.

To regress, the journal made me want to visit my brother's graveside and so I did. I sat under his tree and listened to the chimes for a solid 30 minutes. Only the glaring sun and dead grass brought me back to the car.

And thus I went back to Dad and Lisa's house where I relaxed and basked and continued to think the ponderous thoughts in my head. Thoughts about my brother and his tragic life. Thoughts about my own past and the decisions I made that only mirrored my brother's own. And finally about hitting bottom and the desperate clawing out that took years to come to fruition. I thought about my God and how much I love Him and and how at that time-- the time of my own Great Sadness-- how floored I was that He saved me. That's such a cliche, right? But I was there. Right. There. And he reached down and pulled me out. He led me into the light. And I'm not one to preach and I'm not big on evangelism and my life doesn't always reflect His but oh how I love Him. How I love being reminded not of where I was but where I am now because of Him.

All along, He gave me a husband who has stood beside me and held my hand. If God has taught Jered and I nothing, He has taught us to stand hand and hand through the dark. I know that is why we are still so close to this day. I know that is why we are still mistaken as newlyweds. When Jered chose to stand up for me and for our marriage though all the past and all the mistakes and through all the blatant rebellions. . . that is God's strength of character and love for me in him and I praise God for that.

Still. I sure am glad to be where we are now. I'm thankful for this house we have and the good memories we share.

I'm glad for these days, bittersweet days of reflection like today, where my mind can touch on the past and rejoice that I am free.