Summer Time

Summer time, you
steal away my hours you
convince me it's not so late because
the sun just set
a couple hours ago
(that means it's almost midnight).

Beer on patios,
shish kabobs, rollerblades,
supermoons and
Saturday tacos.
Movies rented
from a red box
at
11pm.

Midnight showings.

Road trips.

Driving with my windows rolled down,
pick up taco bell it's
2am.

Summer time, the pool feels so nice,
the sun browning my skin and the sky
such a deep, deep blue.

I missed you
Morning hikes,
Lunchtime margaritas
and Night Swimming...

Summer time you make me want to
rock climb
and mountain climb
and eat less
and drink more
water.

I love you.
Never leave me.

I will marry you
and keep you
until death do us part.

Forever and ever
Amen,

What do I want?

I sat in a Jeep outside my apartment for a while last night. I was discussing relationships with a friend of mine. He is a guy. We are friends.

I have had enough guy friends to know when this conversation should occur.

I am not ready for a relationship.

I am still discovering myself
and what I want
and who I am.

I have a lot of guy friends. I work out with them. I eat Chipotle with them. I hang out with them. I rock climb with them.

They push me. They show me a different side of things. They open up courses of action, they spur me on, they confront me and encourage me. They say, yeah! Let's Do That! They invite me over for steak dinner. They invite me out to the dog park. They invite me out with their girl friends. I invite them out to adventure. . .

I am moving in with a guy friend.

He has a large TV and several guitars and is very nearly as crazy as I am (that's why we get along so well)...

Tonight I told him about my rock climbing adventure from last night and my words were something like "I still can't really feel my arms, but it was so worth it!" and he said, 'yeah! we need to do that! Let me tell so and so and so and so and that sounds awesome!'

Yeah.

That's about sums it up right there.

All is Right with the World again

Today was nearly a perfect day.

Got done what I needed to get done.
Work.
Tacos
Movie
Phone call

I survived.
More than that, I conquered.
Three weeks and the end is in sight.

Let's see if I can keep this resolution. . .

To My Friends and Family

First of all, thank you.

Thank you to those who pray for me.

Thank you to those who love me.

Thank you to those who drive me places when my tags expire.

Thank you to those who buy me food when I am flat broke.

Thank you that you do not judge me.

Thank you to those who pull me aside and give it to me straight.

Thank you to those who worry about me... I wish you didn't have to so much.

Thank you for forgiving me for missing your wedding
or party
or shower
or bible study
or coffee date.

Thank you for still being my friend after I've screwed up.

Thank you for still sharing your life with me.

Thank you for accepting my wild ideas
and sometimes eccentric behavior.

Thank you for following me up a mountain.

Thank you for pushing me to go to the gym
(and giving me 95 lbs to bench...)

Thank you for understanding that I don't have it all together
or worked out
and that my heart
and life
are broken.

God is mending these things but
it takes time and
sometimes I
get in the way.

Thank you to my family and my Target family, my oldest friends and my new ones, church friends, college friends, roommates and workmates. I don't know what I do to deserve you but I am
so grateful
nonetheless.

The Antithesis of Yesterday

Bonus points for those who did not have to look up the word antithesis. I admit I googled it first to make sure it really meant what I thought it meant. It did. Yay me.

My day yesterday was rough. Today... well, today was quite the opposite. I figured if I posted about my bad day, I should post about my good day too. Here we go.

Today began at 7am with a phone call. No, it wasn't somebody who found my wallet. It was the one and only person who feels at liberty to call me at 7am on my day off. And in typical fashion, the call started with a  "Goodmorning! It'stimetogetup! Ithoughtyou'dbeatworkbutthenIrememberedit'syourdayoff...butHaveyoueverheardofPancho's? It'saMexicandrivethroughplaceasgoodasJosePeppers...IjustgotbreakfastandStarbucksand....."

It was 7am and I groaned and rolled out of bed and padded outside and sat on my patio for the rest of the phone call. The neighbors below me came outside and smoked and went back inside and came back outside to smoke... I watched the motorcycles cruise down Renner. I told him about my day yesterday and I vented some and felt much better afterward but the majority of the call was about motorcycles and tanks and helicopters and that was exactly what I needed... get myself out of myself for a while.

After that I went running. It was 9 and already hot so I went to Millcreek Trail and ran under the canopy of trees. It smelled so good. While I was running, I got a txt from someone wanting to buy my dresser. I did cut my run short but got $80.

It was 11 and hot so I went to the pool. Laid out. Got tan. Felt good. Picked up my album from H&H to mail to a wedding client.

It was Aimee who commented that I should call the gas station where I'd noticed my wallet was missing and see if they found it. It hadn't really occurred to me, but I guess it could've fallen out of my purse just as easily there. So I called. And they had a wallet. And it was pink and yellow. And it was mine.

And everything was still in it. Even the $100 cash.

Here, the doxology started running through my head... 'Praise God from whom all blessings flow..."

The afternoon was spent collecting my wallet, picking up my brother and teaching him how to drive. It was thrilling. And we survived. He even made a left turn on Metcalf. Mom didn't look too pleased about that one ;)

Mom followed me back to my storage unit where she helped me clean it out. I sorted through all of it while watching Warm Bodies and eating steak that mom had given me. I dropped off donations to Savers, took back my movie and bought groceries. Now it is 8p and I am warm from my sunburn and full of steak and I have my wallet in my purse.

I think God knew exactly what I needed today and provided it in full. I'm so glad for days like yesterday to be followed by days like today.

Thank you, Lord.

I Get Knocked Down but I Get Up Again

Lost my wallet last night. Simply vanished. Not at home. Not in my car. Maybe it fell out of my purse? God only knows.

I felt sorry for myself last night but I watched Machine Gun Preacher on Netflix and ate two single serve bags of popcorn and fell asleep on the couch.

I woke up at 2am with terrible cramps. Some of the worst ever. I drank some water, spent some time being sick. Fell, exhausted, back on the couch.

Woke back up around 4am. Same thing. I was hot. Cold. Achy. Hurting. Managed to hug my knees to my chest and get back to sleep.

Woke back up just before 6am. I threw the covers off, got a drink of water. Curled into a ball. Pulled the covers back on. Somehow fell back asleep.

This feeling I was familiar with. This was what drove me to see the doctor last month. This has no cure. This is caused by stress.

When I finally dragged myself out of bed at 8:30, stomach sour, I left to go to the bank. My car was on empty and I had no money. On my way to the bank, I get pulled over. My tags expired last month. They have been expired for 18 days. Is it a coincidence that I get pulled over the morning after I lose my licence? The cop saw the look on my face. I'd paid for new tags (late, sure) before I left for Colorado but the receipt was in my wallet, now gone. I got a $100 ticket.

I almost cried right there. I almost just let myself be overwhelmed by the enormity of my day thus far.

To top it off, my cell service had been disconnected. I was waiting on Jered to pay his half of the bill... no phone. No txting. No gas. No wallet. No licence. $100 ticket.

I went to the bank. She gave me a card. I got some money. I bought some gas. I went home and laid out in the sun and burnt myself but not badly. Just enough to make me feel better. Then I went to work. Rocked it out. Jered paid Verizon. Cell service back on.

It's the small things, really...

I believe in the Spirit and I believe in spiritual warfare. It's something I'd been processing through and talking a lot about with my mom over this past week. My day today was no coincidence. And instead of being upset and fearful and fretful, I will take today as a compliment. I must be on the right track if I am suddenly such a highly regarded target.

To that I say Bring it on.

I made my choice last April.

And I'm in it for the Long Haul.

Driving back home

When I dropped Mom off, I had that old feeling. It's a feeling I've pushed down for the past week or so, it's a feeling that's at once familiar and unsettling...

Now What?

That's it. Just that. I thought about driving to a park and reading and journaling and continuing my solitary journey I'd begun this past week. My journey into myself. My journey to find God...

I thought about going home to Aimee. Unpack the car. Boot up the computer. Begin to work my way through the mountain of things I've been thinking about doing these past 7 days to further my life...

I thought about going to my new home ( I have a key) and crashing there and just watching a movie and reading book and not thinking about anything special...

I thought about going to Aimee's and then going to a park and then going to my new place... it was only 7:00 on a Saturday night after all. Oh the possibilities seemed endless.

In the end, I went to Target and bought a Father's Day Card and then I went home. To my current home. And paid some bills and uploaded photos and went though my folders upon folders of papers-- lots of which I threw away. I updated my calendar. I txt'd a friend. I blogged (obviously). It was good.

Life. Life is precarious.

I was homesick for Colorado. That is not really possible, my home is not over there. And yet.

Have you ever been somewhere and felt so securely that you Belong there? Your Home, better for worse, is where were right at that moment? I felt that way.

And I feel out of place now.

I want to go hiking and camping and kayaking this weekend.... but I'm in eastern Kansas.

What a blow to the psyche. What a blow to my sense of being. Can I even pretend now?

Guess I'll have to.

Until God calls me to where I Belong....

You Probably Know This but...

We're leaving tomorrow. I do not want to. I don't want to go back. I am afraid. Afraid of myself. Afraid of the business. Afraid because I feel myself already being overwhelmed by my life back home...

God, grant me strength. Remind me the things you've taught me out here. Give me focus, courage, stamina. Give me the desire to stay clear-headed and driven.

God, help me...

The Adventure Continues

I left at 8:30 yesterday morning to drive out to Vail to meet my friends. We were planning on meeting up at 11 but when I texted Stephanie at 10 to tell her I was an hour out, she txt'd me back at 10:24 saying they had just woken up (in Denver, about 2 hours away from Vail). Undaunted, I stopped at every single rest stop/ overlook on my way. This took me through the White River National Forest (absolutely amazing) where I stuck my feet in the White River (and collected some rocks) and took a plethora of great photos.

I stopped along the way to take some other great shots and wound up in Vail where I parked and found a cute cafe that sold crepes. I sat outside under a big, red umbrella and read and waited for my friends.

When they arrived, we all ate some lunch and seeing as how they had brought their two dogs with them, we decided to take a hike.

We found a trail head but it seemed to go nowhere. George called up to some lady on a balcony and asked where the nearest hiking trail was. Her words went something like, 'oh, there's this trail right over there and if you take it, it goes up the mountain'. Before us was a smallerish mountain (more like a big hill) with ski lifts planted on the side, the chairs swinging in the air. Not too daunting, we thought. Something we can be up and down in a hour and then we'd make our drive back to our respective places. George and Stephanie were having a cookout with some friends in Denver that evening and I had family coming to my Uncle's place.

Okay. On we went.

The first stretch was this dirt and rock trail that simply led straight up the hill at a 10% + incline. After we got up the hill, the trail led into the woods and from there just kept right on going. It was 2 1/2 miles up to the top we found out later. The trail alternated between switchbacks and straight incline drives. We climbed over rocks and jumped over streams and once even ran out of water on our way up. We contemplated a stream. George thought it was safe to drink. Stephanie filled up the bottle. I found some hikers right at that moment and asked them how much further form the top. George asked them on a scale of 1-10 how safe this water was to drink.

"Don't" was their reply. They had a ton of extra water so they gave us some. It was good because we were all parched and I'd honestly been getting worried. We'd packed for a quick hike, not a 3 hour long adventure  up a mountain...

It was overcast and a little chilly when our trail broke through the forest and the wide majestic Rockies opened up before us. The cars on the highway below looked like periods at the end of this sentence. I could barely make out the buildings. We were 10000 feet in the air. Breathing was a little difficult and we stopped often the closer we got to the top. I looked at George at one point as we were resting and my thought process was, forget this trail. I can see the top right there. That's not too steep. Let's just make for it. He thought I was crazy. He really doesn't know me that well.

"You're doing it, aren't you?" he asked incredulously.

"I'm doing it," I said as I turned off the trail. Bless his heart if he didn't turn and follow me. Stephanie followed. There were a couple main ridges to get up. The first was the most difficult because of steepness (things never look as steep from below. The others were difficult because we were determined but exhausted and running out of air.

At the top, we just stood there. My legs were quivering. Stephanie and George kissed. We took some photos, let the dogs drink from a stream at the top and we contemplated the trip down.

We didn't get to the bottom until 7:30. I got back to Grand Junction after 10. I was limping when I got out of my car. I'd txt'd mom a couple times. Something like, "Mom, I'm going to be late, I'm on this mountain..."

Oh, Colorado.

(I took steph's camera up the mountain. I'll post photos when I get to see the pictures!)

relationship advice

Here are some random thoughts.

Find a Godly man. That's what they tell me. She's worried about my new roommate. She's worried about my heart. Perhaps she has good reason to be worried. But I know what I want. Being here in Colorado, I realize that this place is just like every place. I want this place but I want to share it with somebody. I want to go hiking and camping and rapelling and kayaking and 4-wheeling and... but not by myself. With somebody. I want to share that with someone I care about. I want to share those things with someone who will enjoy them with me.

I want someone as crazy as my uncle. I want someone to say, see that rock on that ledge over there over the canyon? Let's climb on that.

See that tower of rock over there? People climb it on the 4th of July. Let's come back in a month and do it.

People put in the river half a mile from here. Let's rent a kayak each and let's do a float trip next Saturday with some friends.

You can camp on the Grand Mesa. There are lakes up there and places to hike up there. Let's do it.

Mom says it'll break her heart if I find a guy in Kansas City and get stuck there. I agree with her.

Don't be worried about my heart, Mom.

I'm on my way to something else...

Out here in the Wild Wild West

We drove through the canyon, a wall of rock rising up on either side. The Colorado river ran beside us. There were rapids. The highway ran past some vineyards, some orchards, ran through one small town and another small town. I turned our car off the main road and through a neighborhood and we ended at the house where my uncle and his girlfriend lived. The front lawn was rock and two miles away were mountains, red and rocky, rising to the sky.

I ran that night. I ran through the neighborhood and turned toward the rising mountains and ran toward them and very quickly ran out of breath. Darn that mountain air. I watched the sun set over the foothills towards the West and eventually, I turned around and headed back, passing cacti and Subaru's and heading toward the wall of the canyon.

I was in Western Colorado. The air was dry and hot. There are shops down town that rent bikes and launch kayaks. There are mountains and national monuments that have spires people climb, there are acres of land set aside for mountain bikes and four wheelers. It is hot during the day and cool at night.

My uncle and I went off trail tonight. We were at the Colorado National Monument and we pulled off the road. Uncle Dion had seen a hole in the rock maybe 50 feet below the top of the road and he said there was a place where we could get down there and see the canyon. Mom and Holly thought it was a bad idea. I was taking photos of the canyon and when I turned around, my uncle was gone. Holly pointed across the road to the bush and told me he'd gone "that way, over there". I traipsed over there and into the dirt and down some rocks and I heard his voice, "Hey, Barb, I found it."

Down some rocks and through this hole in the rock wall. The floor was sandy and there were shoe prints leading the way. There were gnats in the tunnel. On the other side, looking through the gap, the canyon opened up before me. It was vast, untamed and indescribable. Off to the side, the trail extended. I followed it for a while. My uncle trailed behind me, careful in his flip flops and being a little winded from the previous climb. I looked up and saw the edge of the top. There were rocks jutting out, gigantic stair steps leads up to the top. It wasn't exactly safe. It looked like it would awesome and exciting. And crazy. The rocks jutted out into thin air. I looked down at my uncle. I made up my mind in a split second and we turned and went back up to the car.

Now, in the above photo, I wasn't so careful. "Barb, climb out to that rock out there," my uncle says to me. This involved climbing over the wooden fence and following the rocks over to the right and climbing on this ridge of rock that jutted out into the canyon and then climbing on this rock that was balanced on this other rock... Mom said we were crazy. She and Holly turned back to the car. They didn't even want to watch. I got nervous once. Unfortunately (or fortunately) I did not inherit my mothers fear of heights and I like a good challenge. Obviously. 

I chatted with my uncle some. He was telling me about when he moved out here. He'd missed his family. He'd been lonely. It took some time to get plugged in. I'm sure it always takes time when you move somewhere far from home...

Yeah. I guess those thoughts have been going through my mind...

Amazing Grace- Jars of Clay

I grew this heart into a drifter
I never felt the roots I bare
I sold my sight, oh brother, sister
For a mountain of fool's gold, it's gone
Only God knows, God knows where

My soul was restless for redemption
My feet were lookin' for a place to stand
Well, I ain't got no life
And you know I ain't got no money
Just the faith of an empty hand

Amazing grace, I feel you coming up slowly now
Like the sun is risin', heat on my face
Oh love that keeps on shinin', don't let the shadow come
Ya know I gotta feel your healin' rays

. . .

Jars of Clay. You always know just what to say

Two weeks

This is the kind of two weeks I once
lived for
and dreamed of;
freedom dancing in freedom,
arms outstretched
in wild abandon...

Now it just seems like time to fill up
and a big, empty space to plug
meaningless things
into
until it's over...

Prepare yourself for 16 days
without your best friend...
(I should move my coffee pot in now... )

Here we go

So plans for California have for now been put off. I'm not surprised or disappointed. I was praying for timing and for the right thing to happen.

I've posted this before, but I definitely live a lot of my life on intuition. Moving out of that house in Shawnee was necessary and a very good move for me. Moving into this current apartment seemed right at the time... sortof. My roommate and I had lived together before but a lot of life change has occurred and I was pretty nervous going into this situation that we might not be as compatible as we once were. Boy, I hit the nail on that one. I should've trusted my instincts on that but I pushed those thoughts aside because I didn't think I had any other option.

It's a funny thing. I remember sitting at the kitchen table at a ladies bible study one night last March. My living situation was the topic of discussion. On one hand, I had the roommate I'm with now. On the other hand, I had the roommate I'm now going to. Two options. Man, guess I just picked the wrong one...

So, leaving this apartment complex... Does it feel right? It would if I could do it on good terms. If my roommate found a roommate to replace me ( I offered to find one for her but naturally, she'd like to pick her own living partner).

But accepting my new promotion and sticking around KC for a bit more time... that feels right. My next living situation that I'll be moving in to next month?... That has felt right for a long time.

I was over there this morning, looking at what's to be my new room, talking about expectations and storage and details. I mean, as people tell me, I'm never home because I'm over there all the time anyway. Now, instead of watching a movie until 1am and then having to drive to my apartment, I can just go to bed. Instead of getting woken up at 8:30am with a getoverherei'mmakingbreakfastwillyougetsomeOJontheway?... I just walk out into the kitchen. I think without a doubt, this move alone will slow my life down by 80%...

I'm glad that Park Edge got me out of the house in Shawnee. That house had me trapped in a very bad place. But I'm so glad to feel like I'm finally heading where I should be. Someplace I can stop and rest for a while. Living in a place I'm already familiar, living with somebody who's seen me at my worst... and still invites me back...

And my job... the position isn't where I thought I would be, but perhaps it's right where I need to be.

All of this coming together, it feels like God's hand. It feels like I'm finally going to wind up where I belong.

It's about time!

In One Day

Life.
In One Day
you tell me:
Don't sell everything,
I have a place for you;
a place to work and grow and
experience
and a place to live.
A room.
For however long it takes.

Sell the things that don't matter, the things that
get in the way.
Tie all those loose ends.
Where you are going
you won't need much.

Where you are going after that
you will need
even less.

And that is soon.

Being a Master

I swung the other way for a while. I was telling Pam this in the car on the way back from church this morning.   It was the classic story. I gave up for a little while. I went a little wild. Thank goodness He protected me. Thank goodness I have good friends who don't give up on me. Thank goodness I came back around.

We all need reasons to live life a certain way. As it's been said, those Crazy Stories were fun to live and I'm glad we made it through... but it's not where I want to be. And the choices I make now influence my future and so I need to be making wise choices. Choices about where I spend my time. Choices about who I hang out with. I might be giving away a great book idea but check this out:

For the next 50 years of my life, I will have 206,250 hours (after sleep and work, providing I sleep 7 hours a night and work 40 hours a week until I'm 80). If the theory is true that it takes 10,000 hours to become a master at something, if I dedicate myself to a practice, I could be a master of 20 things before I'm 80. A master. So then the questions is, what do I want to be a master of? Where should I spend my time??

What am I trying to say?

Every day gets filled up. Every free moment is simply a pause before the next flight. I've blogged about the craziness of my life and I'm realizing that I've always been this way. My journals and poetry in high school were all about the pressures of juggling family and friends and school. In college, I was never home. Jered and I filled up every evening with studies and plans and meetings and groups. I know families struggle with juggling kids and homework and time but I'm just little ol' me. And yet I triple scheduled myself this Thursday. Double booked myself on Monday. I had to remake plans. I had to call people and cancel. I had to decide what's important to me.

Working out
Church and my bible study ladies
Spending time with the friends who matter and who balance me and whom I can pour in to...
Family

It suddenly occurred to me why I never dated in high school. Sure, I was self conscious about my weight but in reality, I was far too busy. It takes a lot of effort to get to know someone. It takes time. You have to make that a priority. It's a commitment.

So I say all this because a guy I'd met txt'd last night and wanted to hang out this week. He's pretty cool, I bet we'd get along very well. He invited me to the dog park to hang out.  I do not have a free evening this week. I'm gone with my mom to Colorado next week. I told him maybe sometime after the 17th...

Sorry, guys, apparently you need to get on a 2-week waiting list for me. And don't wait until the 17th to plan anything because you're most likely looking at 2 weeks out from there as well...

I have to think that this is all somehow normal, that this is just a part of being grown up... Surely it's not just me...