Not a vague one today...

I've been told I've been vague in these blogs as to the goingsons in my life and I suppose the point of this blog is to keep in contact with friends and family I don't regularly keep in contact with so being vague doesn't really help. Let me shed some light.

Jered signed a lease with his friend Cameron and they're living in Olathe and he'll be there for the next 13 months. He'd moved out of our house sometime in mid-October although things weren't going well before then. I'd been living by myself since then and it didn't sit well with me. I'm not a by myself kindof girl and I found that I didn't stay home much which led to lots of money spent and piles of dirty clothes and a life in various states of disarray. Thankfully, Madison is moving in with me today. She signed a 6 month lease because neither one of us can think beyond 6 months at this point.

In the past three months, I've spent lots of time in P&L, Westport and downtown in various ways. I've got to go to concerts and see ballets and travel some and visit with old friends and make some new ones. I've watched movies I've always wanted to watch and do things I've always wanted to do. It's been an exciting adventure, but this girl is worn out and ready to settle in for a winter's rest.

If you would've told me at this time last year that this would be my life now, I would not have believed you. But that's not bad. I knew back then even that Something Big had to change. I've known it for a long time. I guess we just needed a catalyst.

What does the future hold? I don't know. I hung out with Jered yesterday. I helped him move more things out of the house and I followed him to his new apartment and helped him move in. Moving Karma, dontchaknow? We even grabbed lunch together. Buffalo Wild Wings. We drank a couple beers and ate some food and discussed life.

And you know what we decided? Life is messy. There really is no Right Way all the time. There isn't always a Black and White and sometimes God does things that don't seem to make sense. But Madison moving in with me makes sense. And Cameron and Jered moving in together makes sense. And maybe us getting married so young wasn't right. And maybe us moving off to Hannibal together and buying a house really wasn't right.

So what is right?

Where were the signs we missed? Were there signs? Was there some other path I missed?

And this is my greatest fear. Right There.

That I will miss out. Miss the big picture. Miss the party. Miss my future. Miss the one I was supposed to be with. Miss the calling laid out for me. I can say that I will pray that God reveals those things to me, but it's the same prayer I've had since I was 16 years old. Before college, before marriage, before moving and life and death and circumstances slowly stole my sense of who I was.

Who am I and how do I fit into the Grand Scheme of things?

Just some thoughts as I worked out this morning. . .

That space between

Christmas is over. New Years Eve is next Monday. Not sure what I'm doing for New Years. I work Monday and Tuesday so it's not like I can go wildandcrazy. Not that I would. Really.

But I've always disliked this time between Christmas and New Years. When something is finished, I like to put it behind me. If it's a notsogreat or stressful experience, I like to pretend almost like it didn't happen even. So when Christmas is over, I hate the way Christmas commercials are still on TV. I hate that the radio still plays the occasional Christmas song. I dislike all the Christmas decorations and the celebrations. And I wish we didn't make such a big deal out of New Years. I don't like the stress of a life unplanned (as I've mentioned here in this blog before). And while I do like to hold on and enjoy the ride, there are certain social situations that stress me out.

New Years is a good example. I hate the pressure of having to *do* something. And usually I ignore this pressure but also I am a jealous person and I don't like the idea of other people all collectively out having fun while I'm not doing anything. I hate being asked What I'm Doing for New Years. I hate that pressure.

But I will do something. Something is in the works as we speak. I'm not the kind of person to let the opportunity pass by.

Stubborn Love

Some days I simply feel broken,
the path is so unclear before me
in so many ways.
That fork in the road? Laughable.

I'm in a maze.

I've given up deciding what is the
right thing
to do.

But I know what is wrong.

And I can feel it in my gut.

I am much more afraid than
I let on
to myself
most of all.


ps, the title comes from The Lumineers. Boy I'm in love with that album.

Set Free

Sat by the fireplace last night
four hours, one coffee, one breakfast burrito...
and he set me free.

Just like that.

(There's so much more in my head)

I'm coming to a place where
I can trust
God to direct our paths
knowing we each want the same thing...

whatever that may be...

Love Hate relationship with Christmas

I went out with my dad last night. We caught dinner and went back to his place. See, I told him I'd help him put up his Christmas Tree. I hadn't helped him put up his tree since I'd gotten married. Although to be fair, last year was the first time he'd put up a tree in 5 years.

This time of year has not been kind to my family.

I was glad to be there last night with my dad. We went up in the attic and brought all the Christmas stuff down. I hadn't even been in the attic in years. There was my wedding dress. 2 graduation gowns. My dollhouse that Dad and Lisa had build. Magazines and books and toys and stuffed animals and more barbie stuff than you could count. It was amazing.

Searching through the Christmas tub, I found mountains of decorations I forgot existed. I found Micah and my's stockings. The ornament we bought in '96 when us kids moved in with Dad and Lisa. Our cactus ornaments. The cross-stitch I made when I was 12. A paint by numbers village that we once set up on a pile of cotton to look like snow.

I did not find lights. Bummer.

So we put off the actual tree decorating for another day. But we lit a fire in the fireplace. Turned off the lamps. The tree sat, dark in the corner.

Oh, Christmas.

I'm not a huge fan of you.

I know it's Jesus's birthday and all that but....

Needless to say, I'm not putting a tree up at my place.

Life. . .

What is life? Is it made up of amazing moments and then the notsogreat ones? Should I be contented with the valleys and peaks of life? Should I settle for respectability without passion? Contentedness without question? Predictability without fear of the unknown?

I had a conversation a couple weeks ago. It was about my fear. My fear to close my eyes, spread out my arms and jump. I was speaking of my mom. About how she's never been afraid to do these things yet it hasn't always worked out for her. Some of her life decisions have led her down some harmful paths... life choices I myself don't want to make. I want to learn from her life. Take the good. Avoid the bad. In my situation, how can I tell the difference? I was told by my friend that I need to quit fearing my mother's life and live my own. He said that yes, sometimes bad things happen as a result of our choices but Everything Happens For A Reason.

Can I believe that?

I try.

Today was a good day. Some days aren't good. Some days everything falls in line and I feel One with the Universe and I know my place and it is good.

Other days, not so good.

That is life.

But today. Today, I know in my heart of hearts what reality is for me and while it isn't perfect by Hollywood standards, it's clear enough for me to rest on it and be contented in my own way. I don't always understand myself. I don't understand the music video to Mumford and Son's "The Cave" but I still think it's awesome and funny and perfect.

I don't know what the future holds. I just know I want to ride each wave as it comes. Take each run as I find it. Take each moment. Take each breath. Relish in the now.

They call me a hippie. Maybe this is what they mean....



'Cause I need freedom now
And I need to know how
To live my life as it's meant to be

Productive Day

My life is full and beautiful and inspired and amazing. Maybe I'm still standing on the top of the mountain in my head. Either way, must keep moving forward while in this mind frame.

However, this morning, I got back on my trail, laid in the grass under the sun, listed my house with a realtor out in Hannibal, unpacked, did all my laundry, canceled The Knot and bought several Christmas presents online. It's not even noon. Holy crap, I'm on a roll.

I need to keep surrounding myself with such incredible and positive people in my life. Man, I really hated leaving Stephanie out in Denver. She is crazy and full of a vitality that I don't find often. However, I was glad to get back home and look at my calendar and see it so full of friends and experiences and the fullness of a life well lived, I didn't mind too much leaving the mountains behind. For now.

How to live contentedly right where I am instead of wishing I was someplace else... that's forefront in my mind. Realizing that location changes nothing. Realizing that I am whole and complete as I am with what I have... I have my list of "life components" as I will call them and as long as I can be disciplined enough to live that balanced of a life, all will go well. What is important to me? I need to keep focused, of course, but in the meantime I'm insanely blessed with a great job and fantastic friends and a loving and supporting family... My December is full of live shows and cookie bakes and visiting friends...

Yes, I'm still on a high, I know that. But man, I'm going to enjoy it while it lasts!

This one might be a little difficult

This next poem is going to probably be depressing to some people who know me. Roll with it here. I've committed myself to honesty. With others. With myself. I want to live a completely honest life. So here we go.


Just After We Almost Ran Out of Gas

I still have that instinct
to pray.
And I stop myself,
not because I don't believe in God,
I do, but
belief is standing on the other side.
See, if love is a choice,
I have chosen. And if Jesus
wants to love me,
by all means,
He can go right on ahead.

But that won't keep my family safe
or start my car
or protect me from my own decisions.

So I stop myself.
No sense in prolonging the inevitable.

Driving Out in Eastern Colorado

There is a solitude on the High Plains.
I know why people settled here and
I know why they'd go mad.

I recall as a child, day dreaming not about
wedding dresses or princesses or ponies
but of setting off
into the woods.
By myself.
I was probably 8 or 9.
At the age of 11, I had it all planned.
The beautiful emptiness
and the great, wide future.

My heart has always been
in love. Captivated. Filled
with such longing.

I feel it keenly, now, that call.
To nowhere in particular, just
setting off.
Dangerous, those thoughts in my head.

Prepare yourself.
One day you will knock on my door and
I'll be gone.
Just.
Like.
That.

What's Holding You Back?

She stands, arms folded, eyebrow raised,
my future in the air between us.
That fork in the road, My Question the
sign post.

It feels like I have so much to lose yet
as a whole, they are but trappings
of a life I
didn't want so much as fell into,
one choice after another,
Alice falling down and down...
And my Cheshire cat with that grin
all the while leading me on.

Wonderland is a high school play,
a mere prelude
for after the curtain call.

I guess, then,
that answers that.

Post Vacay blog

omg. Where do I begin? How can I sum up 3 1/2 amazing days in one blog? To Denver to Breckenridge back to Denver and back home. Just saying, our talking about never coming back was mostly joking. Maybe half joking. Target is lucky, that's all we have to say.

Each day, we asked each other what our favorite moment of the day was. I'll share mine here. On Saturday, I had two. The first was when we were driving from Denver to Breck. Jenna was driving and there was a moment when we were driving through the brown mountains and through this break, I could see the snow white peaks up ahead. Time stopped. I took my phone out and snapped a picture. We drew closer and closer and we wound through the mountains and you could see the jagged edges climbing on each side and ahead were these brilliant peaks...

For my second on Saturday, it was on the mountain itself. I was standing at the edge of this huge drop on a blue run and I stood there for a few moments with Jenna waiting like the patient saint she was at the bottom of the drop. I was scared to death, I'd already biffed it a couple times but at that moment, I said to myself, f* it, I'm going. And I went straight over. And coasted. And turned in a wide arc around the bottom, around Jenna, and over the next edge. Amazing.

And then there's the hot tub. Oh, and then there's dinner.

Dinner Saturday night was at a little local bar a couple blocks off Main in Breckenridge. James and I were just hungry but Jenna also wanted to watch the Kstate game. Anyway, all I can say is it was The Best Food Ever. Hands down. Best quesadilla. Best clam chowder. Best burger. Best Eggplant Parmesan. Best sweet potato fries. Best whiskey and diet. Or maybe we were starving and exhausted. Either way.

Sunday, we awoke in Breck and decided to get breakfast on Main then go up the mountain. We parked by the gondola and walked a couple blocks to this cafe/breakfast place. Breakfast was pretty amazing. Skiing after breakfast was also pretty amazing. I actually took skiing classes so it was a much slower pace (I was pretty sore, anyway) but very nice and relaxing.

My favorite moment Sunday was probably not on the slopes at all but when we went out to dinner with Stephanie and George. Jenna dropped James and I back off at Steph's house in Denver (Jenna lives in CO springs) and we met up with her and George and went out to this British Pub type place. Very cool. Good food. Good company. Good conversation. Very chill, relaxed. Perfect ending. And it helps that we went back to George's apartment for some handcrafted beer and a midnight jam session including three guitars and two djembes afterward. Heck yeah.

Today was just driving. But it was a beautiful, relaxing drive filled with good company and good music and good food (pizza from Casey's? Heck yeah). 9 1/2 hours gave me time to think, process, rest, and write some poetry (which I'm sure I'll post here later).

First on the list of thought processes, What in the heck am I doing living in Kansas? There is no way that I belong here. Colorado. California. But not the midwest.

I am planning my escape.

Bunch of Rambling. I apologize in advance.

I think my cat misses me. I can usually tell when he follows me around the house. I mean for like, hours.

I opened Spotify tonight and couldn't decide what to listen to. Right now, I'm listening to Phillip Phillips. His song "Home" is on the radio so I looked up his whole album. Spotify is really great. I've managed to turn one of my friends on to it. He gets it through his TV and listens to meditation when he sleeps. I thought to myself, I need to learn how to get Internet through my TV. That way I can listen to Spotify in every room of my house.

My sister, mom and I all saw Breaking Dawn pt 2 this evening. It made me want true love to exist. I mentioned this to Mom on the way out of the theater and she said something to the effect of, "girls, this is just a movie. Love like that does not exist." She's had 5 husbands so I'm guessing she knows what she's talking about. It still made me kinda sad.

Back to music... I listened to Coldplay's Rush of Blood to the Head today. That is such a great cold-weather-November album. Today was the first time I listened to it and felt everything was right with the world. For the record, this is the first November in quite a while that I wasn't immediately transported back to November circa St Louis Sophomore year. Can't quite say why. Perhaps it's because I've finally crossed that 7-year reinvent thyself milestone and I am simply a different person. It's true I no longer wear lots of corduroy and hoodies. I also don't spend 8 hours in the darkroom every day. I run more.

After a conversation I had today, I've almost nearly committed myself to 1. Sending out Christmas Cards and 2. Having a Christmas Party at the house. First, I need a tree. And some ornaments. And possibly some Christmas music. I dunno. Just not feeling it much this year. Maybe I'll just go over to Dad and Lisa's and help set up their tree.

Sorry this is kinda random.

I'm done now.

They keep calling me feisty...

...so I looked up the definition.
It says "Lively, resilient, and self-reliant".
That's dictionary.com for you.

I wouldn't care so much but
the word keeps coming back to me
again and again
like a nametag
I forget I'm wearing.

I think I died once,
maybe a hundred times over and over,
but I'm back now.
Perhaps that's what they really see.

Yesterday

I almost gave in yesterday.
By that I mean I almost gave it up,
gave it all up
and said to Hell with it for good
but
it was Thanksgiving
so I was gracious.

Fling those doors wide open,
I dare you.

Linkin Park and Dayquil

You know how I feel about posting lyrics to a song... but....

Give up your heart left broken
And let that mistake pass on
'Cause the love that you lost
Wasn't worth what it cost
And in time you'll be glad it's gone

-Roads Untraveled  -Linkin Park


I'm making some major life decisions now here, folks. First decision of the week.... dinner at Cari's house Fri instead... well. Just instead.

What else? Waiting. Patiently. Perhaps for nothing, but waiting none the less. Grad school, anyone? This week has been the week of meeting up with old friends and making some new friends and the looming Black Friday and the inevitable question of What's Next? I am not a patient person. Not in the least. I don't care much for waiting.

Oh, and I got a tattoo.

No joke.

So there's that.

Oh, and I feel like crap. Big time. How I made it through these past two days of work is a mystery known to me and Dayquil. I was told today I need to have a good sit-down with my body and whip it back into shape. Maybe so. Or maybe I just need a good, solid 18 hours of sleep. Hello, Thanksgiving!!

That's all.

To Denver I go

It wasn't on my list of things to do, but as of today, I am now completely committed to driving out to Denver, Colorado. Two weeks from tomorrow. Oh yeah, that's how we do things here in Shawnee. No half-A-ing it here...

I called Stephanie and told her I was coming. Probably bringing a friend. Need to cut gas costs, of course. We're going skiing. Breckenridge. Arapahoe Basin. Have I ever been skiing in Colorado? Nope. Have I been skiing at all really? Sure. Snow Creek, right?? I'd like to think it's kinda like riding a bike. Only not on a bike and on skis. On snow. Down a mountain. Go with me on this...

I'm stoked. I used to be the girl with the crazy ideas. I used to be the one in a group who said, "Let's just Drive. Let's just drive and see how far we get." And then we wind up in Canada. Yep. True story.

I was the one who drove to Minneapolis. Louisville. Chicago on a day trip to eat at Cheesecake Factory. Spent a summer in the Yucatan. Spent two weeks in France.

It's been a while since I've channeled my crazy into such an adventure. Let's call it the precursor to What Is To Come. Oh yeah, family on the West Coast. I'm talking to you...

A Moment of Stillness

Today was a difficult and frustrating day. It's been a couple months since I've had one of *these* days at work... and today broke that stretch. Needless to say, I went to the park afterward. My trail was closed so I took off down the Millcreek trail. I love running the shortcut through the boyscout campground (love those hills!) and making the loop back and doing it again and again. Well, today while on my second loop, I came to a halt at the point where the gravel road meets up with the regular trail. If you don't know what I'm talking about, there's a point where the ground opens up before you and there are trees in the distance and this valley before you stretching out where the equestrian trail winds around. It's pretty.

 Well, today when I stopped, it was one of those Hollywood moments that took my breath away. The sun was at 5:00 setting time and there were geese flying above the trees and not even 20 yards away was a young white tailed buck. He was casually walking across the lawn and he stopped and looked at me. He wagged his tail (seriously) as he contemplated me contemplating him. This lasted what seemed like forever. A minute. Two. A long time spent staring at a deer. He kept flicking his tail and looking away and looking back at me. Took a couple steps. Stopped. Looked at me. Flicked his tail.

Oh yeah, and I was listening to Linkin Park's 'Robot Boy' off their Thousand Suns album... which is freakin beautiful, by the way.

But I regress.

I'm not kidding, I sat down right there. Right in the grass. It was kinda muddy. I didn't care. I sat there for I don't know how long before I got really cold and it got a bit dark so I got up and brushed the dirt off my pants and hid this moment in my heart. The buck was still staring at me as I turned back up the boyscout trail. With a glance at the dipping sun, I flipped my ipod back to 'When They Come For Me' and cranked it. I crushed those hills. When I arrived at my car flushed and satisfied, I was equal parts peaceful and energized and rejuvenated.

Amazing what 45 minutes at the park can do.

It's November.

Fourth Quarter.

Oh yeah. Bring it on.

Some Nights

Some nights, I stay up cashing in my bad luck
Some nights, I call it a draw

 

But I still wake up, I still see your ghost
Oh Lord, I'm still not sure what I stand for oh
What do I stand for? What do I stand for?
Most nights, I don't know anymore...

 

Btw, went out this past Friday. It was very nice.

 

 

 

That's it. That's all I have to say right now.

 

 

 

First day of the New Decade

Some goals:

Take guitar lessons... professional or otherwise ;)
Write a book (fiction or non, no preference)
Get out of KC... preferably to the West Coast
Hike the Grand Canyon
Surf in San Diego
Revisit Yellowstone. Camp. Possibly illegally.
Run a half marathon

There's more. But there's a start. It would be nice to do all these things in the next year. We'll see. I read somewhere that it's easier to do the impossible than to do the possible. . . ask me what that means and I'll tell you ;)

In other news, I've found Fun. By that, I mean the musical group. I'm a little addicted. I have an addicting personality, most of you know. So, I've listened to "Some Nights" now about twenty times. Within the past five hours. What can I say, when a song speaks to me, I listen. Again and again and again and again.

I'm going out again this Friday night. I work at 7:30a on Saturday.

Wish me luck.

My 30th

On the last evening of my 29th year, I'll tell you what. I am crazy. But I made a good choice tonight. I made the choice to go to my house. Went out and came back.

If that sounds normal to you, perhaps you haven't lived a life like mine lately. When I leave my back door, I'm never quite sure when I'll be home. . .

That's perhaps a slight exaggeration. Perhaps.

After this past weekend, I had some soul searching. Who am I? What do I want? What does God have in store for me? And most importantly, What in the blanketyblank am I doing with my self? Self, what are you doing??

What do I want?

What on Earth do I want?

I'll tell you right now, I have a made up mind on some things and on others, I'm consistently swayed.

Thank God for the people He has placed in my life at this time. Thank you, God, for those voices of Reason. For those Good Influences if I myself remain a bad one at times. Thanks for giving me people I can count on.... even if they frustrate the hell out of me sometimes. Thank you for giving me friends who forgive my crazy. My weakness. My damnitalltohell attitude. . .

Like a sheep to the slaughter. . .

Thanks, guys. You know who you are.

Haven't been praying too much but others are. . .

Cari,

I answered your challenge.

It's resounding. It's enlightening.

It's not at all what I'm sure I should be doing.

Daring, isn't it? Following your heart.

The whole world, opening up. A bright, blossoming flower. Who knows what poison it brings?

The end of one thing.

The beginning of another. . . . .

So I got my hair cut today...

What an odd thing to blog about but here we go! I got my hair cut today. I was meeting a friend for lunch at 1:30 and I had 45 minutes to kill so I decided to get my hair cut (naturally). Let me just say, getting one's hair washed/dried/cut/styled is one of those things that women do and it may look for all the world like vanity-- but comeon. We know what it's really about.

History lesson. So back up hundreds/thousands of years ago and men are the hunter/gatherers and women are the social ones who keep the hearth and home and raise the kids, etc. I know I'm simplifying things here, but back in the day, things were much more community-oriented. We lived closer to each other, we worked closer with each other, we were much more involved in each other's lives, etc. In our culture, we are much more separate. We have separate homes with huge yards and we drive our own cars and raise our own kids, etc. Needless to say, we are missing out on something very organic and personal and essential to us as humans and I'd argue that we are missing simple basic human contact. And thus we pay people to touch us (masseuse, hairdressers, personal trainers, etc). I don't mean this in a sensual way, but in our heart of hearts, we need to be touched. We need people to invade our personal bubbles. We need to have that human connection. As young girls, we had our sisters or friends brush, braid, etc our hair. Friends hugged us. Friends snuggled next to us in tents on cold Girl Scout retreats. As adults, that touch is mostly lost to us. Which is what brings me to having my hair cut today.

Ladies, think about why on earth we pay $35 to have somebody wash and cut our hair? My stylist's name is Tiffany. Tiffany washed, rinsed, conditioned, rinsed and then blow dried my hair. That personal connection-- Tiffany standing inches or millimeters away, combing out and blow drying my hair (much like my mother used to) is a completely comforting experience. Now, I try to respect American Cultural norms, but in general, I don't have a very large personal space bubble. I enjoy people standing close to me. It makes me feel incorporated and grounded. I don't mind people brushing elbows with me or reaching for the same latte at the same time and our fingers meeting for a fraction of a second. To me, that's just a Human Experience. In America, however, it's taboo. I think it's all the Puritanical whatnot still running rampant underneath the surface of our society. Anyway. Moving on. There is something True and Real about being in close proximity with another human being and sharing the same space. And there's something about trusting something so personal with another relative stranger like the cut and crop of my hair that makes me feel so in union with with rest of my brothers and sisters-- it's a Holy experience for me.

Needless to say, Tiffany gave me a most excellent cut and fulfilled a deep, cultural need inside me to feel connected to all of humanity.

Crazy?

Maybe. But for all you ladies out there who have felt the same way but have never known how to express it, can I get an Amen?

Choices: pt II

New shoes on the dirt,
over the logs,
under the trees,
dodging the poking roots,
dodging the choice I made
and the choice taken away.

This evening, I run a path I know well,
it's all laid out for me
and there's comfort in that.
It keeps my question
Quiet
for now.

My friend told me I'm at a fork
in the road.
I don't think she reads my blog
so it really must be true.

Pick one, she says,
and go for it.

Oh, those words weigh heavy on my heart tonight.

Choices

I had lunch with my sister last week. We sat at Panera in Mission, KS and discussed life and the choices we make. Where we will be in one, 5, 10 years from now is dependant upon the choices we make now. That's pretty heavy.

I remember blogging just a few weeks ago about how I hates choices. I've always liked my future mapped out for me: black and white, here and there. If you look back at that blog, I mentioned sitting in the proverbial fork-in-the-road and how I was so glad I didn't have to be there.

God has a funny sense of humor, doesn't He? Don't get too comfortable, He was telling me. It's about to get shaken all up.

But change isn't bad and choices aren't bad. And even now, the choice to take things one day at a time, it almost feels like dragging my feet--- but I'm wise enough now to know not to jump so quickly. I told my husband this afternoon that my heart is still hurt. That I have trouble trusting. That I trusted and jumped and landed somewhere foreign and hurtful and got stuck there for a very long time.

No, it wasn't all bad. We humans can adapt to any circumstance we chose to. I just chose to stop pretending, that's all. I stopped defending something that was broken. I stopped feeling guilty/prideful/victimized. So there was the first choice. The second was to forgive.

The third?

Well, I'm in the middle of that, aren't I? One day at a time, right? That's what I say. It's moment by moment. Taking every thought captive. Every thought of flight. Every thought of failure. Every thought of resentment or inadequacy or fear. It's choosing to salvage something that could be quite beautiful if we can just make it out of the fire.

Or ice.

Jered says time waits for no one, the world keep spinning. And every. single. day. I make a choice. It is the most difficult choice I believe I've ever made in my life and I need to recommit to it every day. Who am I kidding? Several times every day. One day at a time.

Not to Get Too Deep. . .

I've been thinking a lot lately about the value of airing out life while online in the form of facebook/blogs/etc.

And yet here I am blogging about it. Irony.

But the thing is, I am a writer. Always have been in one form or another. Whether it's writing obscenely long fiction at the age of 16 (try 60-pages size 10 font single spaced. .  .) or journaling or my various blogs throughout the years. . . and who is a musician but somebody who enjoys music and wants to share? And an artist who creates in order to showcase? And who is a writer but one who likes to put words down and then gives them as a gift to the world. In all cases, it's evident we are all narcissistic people. Haha.

In general, I'm not the person who likes to get really deep with relative strangers. There are few I trust with the entire truth of my heart. That's probably why I mostly blog about running and music.

Speaking of running and music, last Tuesday I made two of the best purchases I've made in a long time. I bought a pair of Asics trail runners and I also bought the new Mumford & Son's CD. I lost the CD over the past few days but refound it just yesterday. I'd been listening to it on Spotify, but the CD I bought has several extra songs included. . . . one of which is The Boxer (originally Simon & Garfunkle-- and also, as some of you know, one of my all time favorite songs ever). I was really nervous listening to the Son's version and it was different-- can't really sing along and difficult to harmonize with-- but it still blowed my mind. Listened to it about four times back to back to back. . .  I discussed this with my dad this morning in probably one of the best conversations he and I have ever had. It had all the classic markings of our usual father/daughter conversations: sitting around the kitchen table drinking coffee. . . but then he pulled out his new Iphone which made me get out my phone and I opened spotify and we listened to Brandi Carlyle and the Son's new CD and we went from there. . .

Nothing like music to bring people together.

But, seriously, I count myself lucky to have found several really solid albums in the past month or so. It so rarely happens, it's like finding a great surprise. And I can really be such an internal person, music has always helped me connect and find expression in what I can usually not articulate well. If somebody asked me how my day went, I wish I could just pull out my ipod and play them a song and that would be their answer. It's like that. Even as I write, I need something moving my soul along.

I guess that's also why music has been so essential to me this past week and it was music that helped my resolution. God knew what he was doing when He led me to buy that CD last Tuesday. Nothing else has been able to minister to my heart the same way.

Boy, Barb, you're probably saying, that's a lot of credit to give some secular group.

Oh, sure, credit is always due to many different things. But God has always used music in my life to direct change, to express my passions and to heal. I thank Him for that. Music combined with a good run often frees up my mind enough to go where it needs to and process what is necessary.

And here I do feel the need to post something although I always hate it when people post lyrics in facebooks/blogs because what are lyrics without the music? But here we go:



Now I'll be bold as well as strong
And use my head alongside my heart
So tame my flesh, and fix my eyes
A tethered mind freed from the lies....

-I Will Wait...

Fate. ?????

Fate. You dsigner of dreams, is this what you had in store?
I can hardly believe
it.
I would laugh but
sadness
disovles the joy within me.

And isn't that what I say?
Positive attitude. I will have, yes,
though it all falls a part
but who am I
to expect less?

I should've seen this coming.

I sat outside in the cemetary for
30 minutes
today and there was another funeral
happening.
At the same time.
How's that for fate.

Love it.
yeah.

Almost October. . .

I said something about Hillsong to Jered last night and he said, "That's not tonight, that's in September." I reminded him it was September. He had a blank look on his face. "You thought it was still August, didn't you?" I asked him. He said he had.

Yeah. Me too.

8 years ago today Jered proposed to me. Thought I'd throw that out there. It's a great story. Ask me about it sometime. Back in '04, today was a Sunday and we went to the Ren Fest with Harmonie and Jason.

I'm leaving early before I get to work and I'm buying trail running shoes today. Asics, of course. I called ahead to make sure they had them in. They're pink and black. Oh yeah.

What began as my "Target Diet" has simply become a better way of living-- without the stress of work. I've lost 10 lbs in the past five weeks. I'm now where I was back in spring of '08. Of course, we don't go back to that year. That's one of the lost years.

I had a talk with my HR a week or so ago. I was kinda ready to get out of my store. Drama, you know. It happens at work. She told me to hang on. She told me it was only 6 more months or so before I could look at getting geared up to move on. 18 months is how long I must stay in my current position. I do love being a TL of the bakery but my 18 months is up in April (not that I'm counting) and she's hinted that if I can get some certain ducks in a row, perhaps the future will open up for me. So my big 3-0 is looming and I'm kinda looking to that future.


Had dinner with a friend of mine last night. She has such a wide, open future and you know? I don't really envy her. I'm not big on choices. I kinda like knowing what's before me and trusting that God will open the right doors at the right time. I've always lived my life that way-- for better or worse. I've always known what I've wanted and I've always gone after it. I've never had the serious fork in the road, so to speak. I think God knows I wouldn't know what to do with myself. I would sit in that intersection and wait for a sign (here, Jered would add something about me picking flowers and singing softly to myself as well).

Went running last night. No shin splints. Loved it. I felt oh so accomplished and on top of the world. . . went running this morning and got my butt kicked. Oh, body. Should've started this when I was younger. . .  seriously thinking and rethinking this 4.4 mile trail run on Saturday. I sure wouldn't be able to run the whole thing. Trail running is difficult. It's an entirely different way to use your body. But running concrete seems so borring by comparison.

As an aside, I'm listening to the new Mumford and Sons album "Babel" on Spotify. Yeah, it was just released today.

Well. Guess that's all for now.

Husband and people and music and running

Where on earth do I begin?

Jered and I just took a whirlwind 30-hour trip all across Missouri and back. It was the first day of fall and it was absolutely beautiful outside and the parks were crowded with people and every stop-off for the Katy trail (originally the MKT trail we discovered) was bursting with people. By the genius of my husband we'd landed a suite the night before at the Holiday Inn and we took full advantage of their workout room and their indoor pool/hot tub. I was definitely ready to get out of work on Fri and hit the road and we hit it running. We shared driving duties and during the four hours over and 11 hours back, I had plenty of time to think and be blessed. Let's begin :)

First, I am blessed to have an amazing husband. Jokes and Holiday Inn blessings aside, he really is quite amazing. We had a bit of a rough week last week and ultimately, we had a wonderful 3 hour conversation after work Tuesday night (read: 11p-2a) and God opened some walls that had begun to slowly build over the course of these last few weeks. Boy, it doesn't take much time for the devil to get that foothold. . .  and it was nice to have the time to reconnect and talk some things through. I reminded Jered that all these little trials and hardships were just our adversary trying to get the best of us. Why else would all these little things have come up just since he'd gotten this job teaching at a Christian school? I believe in lots of things but coincidences are not one of them. We debated the merit of our 30-hour Missouri trip and in the end, it was Jered who decided we needed a little vacation. I am glad that he followed the Spirit's prompting in this and that we went. I think God bestowed his blessing on the idea in full. In the course, our Resolution 2012 was fulfilled ;)

As an aside, he probably doesn't want me saying this but I will: I'm overwhelmed by Jered's passion and dedication and calling as a teacher. Some of these stories he tells me. . . man. I told him it's like reading one of those books about inspirational teachers. . . except it's just about his day/week/month. I really am so proud of him. His can-do attitude and fearlessness inspire me.

Second, boy it's nice to have people to do things with. Some of the most difficult times I've had in my life and that we've had in my and Jered's marriage were when we felt the most isolated. When we moved to Hannibal and for that first year. When we moved back to KC. I remember after we'd moved back and we'd drive to Hannibal and we'd have dinner with friends and catch up and hang out and I remember how we'd lay in the dark at night and seriously consider giving up and moving back. . .  it was only the Basehor Church job that kept us here. Even then, we'd still bring it up every once in a while, moving back in to our house we could not sell. . .  but in the past year or so, it's been overwhelming the growth of fellowship and friendships in our lives-- both as individuals and as a couple. And God's blessed me with an assortment of friendships-- some married, some not. Some older, some younger, some with kids and some who never want children. Some from work and some from church and some who are relatives I'd never been close to before. . .  everything is cyclic, I know that. I don't expect even this to last. But I'm glad to be in the middle of it now.

Third, Jered and I both decided Coldplay's Rush of Blood to the Head album is one of the alltime best albums ever. This isn't very deep, I know that. But we were listening to a mix CD he'd made and there were quite a bunch of songs from RoBH.. It makes me think about music in general. We were talking about this the other night: why is it that 90% of very spiritual people tend to be musically inclined? They sing, they play the guitar, they know what a djimbe is. . . I said that it was probably because music has such a strong connection to the soul. I mean, when I plug in my Ipod and put the earbuds in my ears, it's like plugging the Ipod into *myself*. Does that make sense? Like music is the antithesis of cancer. Just as cancer invades every cell, tissue, organ, blood vessel, inch of a body and destroys it; the right music elevates it. Every. Part. The right music plugs the nature of God into you and all thing right and holy and beautiful. No wonder singing praise is so powerful.

I read an article the other day speaking about music people run to. I had fallen into a certain category of people who tended to pick short, fast-tempo'd songs for my run. I have a couple playlists just to shake things up. This article I read, however, said that music and running are deeply spiritual experiences and that to run while listening, it's best to think of the run as a duration-- like meditation almost. And the author wrote that to look at it this way was to run to entire albums and let the album as a whole guide the experience. Two albums mentioned were Simon & Garfunkle's "PSRT" album (which I own) and also a certain Sigur Ros album (which I also own-- see February post 2012). Those are a bit slow for my taste so I picked out a Linkin Park album that Jered had actually burned and never really listened to. So, it's Linkin Park, right, so I skipped a couple songs but all in all, I enjoyed the experience. I've already run to full albums of Moby and Barlow Girl and Switchfoot, so I guess it's not a completely unheard of practice. But the thought of running through some of the slower songs made me a little cautious. Not bad.

Fourth, I'm tackling the Double Ogg Dare run this coming Saturday. It's a 4.4 mile off-road course (The Orange Trail, you SMP lovers) and I'm pretty nervous. Jered and I ran at the Plaza last Sunday and I did something to my left leg. . . shin splints maybe? Not sure and I'm not disciplined enough to stay off it so it keeps flaring up. Didn't run yesterday or today so maybe that'll fix it? Leg sure didn't feel too good after my run on the treadmill at the Holiday Inn. . . either way, I'm still going to attempt the Orange Trail run and Jered's coming along to cheer me on as I cross the finish line :) Might be limping a little as I go to work that afternoon. . .


In short, we are in a blessed season of life. I'll take every moment of it I can!

Not all all who wander are lost. . .

Things are looking up. Have no fear. Maybe it's the nicer weather. Maybe it's getting to run more. Maybe it's my job isn't quite getting to me like it had been. Less stress. More fun.

We're running the Plaza 10k this Sunday. Wish us luck!

We've had two photography jobs in the past 7 days plus another one tomorrow. Yay! I forget how much I enjoy editing photos until I start. Then there is no such thing as time. Or food. Or sleep. Or Jade (much to his dismay).

My cousin Rachel asked us today was our Life Mission Statement was. Something she'd heard from one of her masters classes. Wow. I need to think about this more but I'm thinking mine must have something to do with joy. Boy, I sure miss Joy when I can't feel it. When I can't notice its presence. But I know I must understand that I always have joy. I need to just take a good look at my circumstances and then my attitude. Then adjust whichever's necessary (probably more often than not it's the latter).

Work is much better. Had such a great day yesterday. So productive. So fun. Work should be fun, I think. I work so much better when I'm glad to be there. I'm thinking it had something to do with the mid-shift in Starbucks. . . oh Starbucks. And my nearly completing my reset. And getting to hang out with Rachel. And then seeing Kayte and Cari as they came in. And then leaving at 4 to go running. And hanging out with Rachel that evening. And then having a nice, relaxing day today with Harmonie and our 31 party and then Harmonie, Jered and I all having lunch at Moe's.

Yes.

Good times.

So this is short and sweet. Just wanted to post something positive.

Just When You Think You've Got it Figured Out. . .

. . . then you realize you don't. I'm struggling not to fall back into the harmful patterns I've been in before. When I feel like all control has been taken away from me. . . when I realize that what I've been killing myself doing still isn't quite enough. . .

I pray. And run. And pray while I run.

It's not me. It's not me. Please, God, just lead me through this.

And as someone today told me, it's not like we're pulling charred bodies out of a ruin. It's friggin' retail. We're not saving lives here or going to Afghanistan. We're in western Shawnee for cryin out loud.

But if it were just work, that'd be okay. To put it simply, I need a vacation. Another one. Perhaps a longer one this time. Maybe one that lasts until the end of third quarter, at least. Wake me up when we're Green.

I praise God for the people he's at least put in my path who are the shinning light of Goodness. I thank you, Cari, for continuing to strive in positivity. You too, Eileen. I am so glad for you both. It's so nice to see a smiling face and to see people who are so glad you're *there*. I'm glad for my "peers" and the people I can sit at the lunch table with and talk about something else other than work.

See, I have a hard time with discipline because food side is my home. For better or worse, that place saved me. I don't recall much of 2007 except for the darkness and 2008 and 2009 I mentally checked out on. Working for this place brought me back and made it possible for us to move and it brought me the encouragement of Kathy and Carmen and Rachel and Eileen. It brought me stability and a safe place to go and a reason to wake up and go on with my life. And my bosses wonder why I'm so loyal to my team. Why I fight for them. . . even at odds at times.

Yeah, I'd make a horrible exec b/c I don't want to leave. Don't send me away.

And yet. I'm going to be 30. "Oh, you feel it too, don't you?" is the response I get from my 30-something peers. Like who I am and what I do isn't good enough.

Well, if I've learned nothing else it's that it really doesn't matter what my job is, as long as I'm living for the Lord and doing His will, then I'll be blessed. I have a hard time dealing with some wedding clients and I have a hard time working retail. Life is hard. But God will make it okay. The people he sends into my life will make it okay.

Jered has been blessed beyond measure and I with him. His new job is a gift from heaven and I'm sure everything I feel. . . all this anxiety inside me is just the adversary attacking. I just need to remember that as I go about my day. As I run and photograph and do the dishes and go to work. We fight not against flesh and blood.

So here we go. Today is a good day. Tomorrow will be better. The Lord is my Strength and my Shield.

Shalom.

ps: yeah, probably not going to post this one on f/b. . .

You Know it's Been One of Those Days When. . .

So you know it's  been one of those days when it's necessary for my mental stability to go running in 80 degree weather at 4 in the afternoon. I mean, I'd kinda been planning to go anyway. . . and then today happened and it suddenly became quite necessary. Today was lots of talking. And lots of talking. And then some more talking. I was exhausted by noon. So what do you do when you've been working so hard just to find out you've been working on the wrong things?

Oh, Life. Isn't that just it?
On the bright side, I made homemade Eggplant Parmesan last night. Ate the left overs for lunch today and got into quite the discussion of God and wealth. Does God give you the desires of your heart even if that means a mansion and a big screen TV? Debatable, yes? Oh, Target. What on earth would I do without you?

So maybe this is all I had to say today. Thanks for reading.

Reflection Day

I can't recall the last time I had a whole day by myself and nothing planned. So that was today. Day off from work. House sitting at Dad and Lisa's. Jered and I got Duncan Donuts coffee and I dropped Jered off at his school (my husband's a teacher aaahhhh!). A bit aimless, I stopped by a Christian bookstore and bought a book. Then with the bookstore fever in me, I stopped by half price books where I bought another book.  . . and a journal. The journal I bought actually has special meaning to me because on the cover is The Great Wave off Kanagawa. It's a pretty famous painting and the Buddhists see the wave in the ocean as 1st a symbol of impermanence and also secondly, a symbol of how we as people are but a single part of something larger than ourselves. Not that I'm a Buddhist, but the concepts above helped me several years ago to proceed through a dark time. That everything changes and nothing is permanent in this word except God, and that I am not out there standing alone separate from the flow of life.

To regress, the journal made me want to visit my brother's graveside and so I did. I sat under his tree and listened to the chimes for a solid 30 minutes. Only the glaring sun and dead grass brought me back to the car.

And thus I went back to Dad and Lisa's house where I relaxed and basked and continued to think the ponderous thoughts in my head. Thoughts about my brother and his tragic life. Thoughts about my own past and the decisions I made that only mirrored my brother's own. And finally about hitting bottom and the desperate clawing out that took years to come to fruition. I thought about my God and how much I love Him and and how at that time-- the time of my own Great Sadness-- how floored I was that He saved me. That's such a cliche, right? But I was there. Right. There. And he reached down and pulled me out. He led me into the light. And I'm not one to preach and I'm not big on evangelism and my life doesn't always reflect His but oh how I love Him. How I love being reminded not of where I was but where I am now because of Him.

All along, He gave me a husband who has stood beside me and held my hand. If God has taught Jered and I nothing, He has taught us to stand hand and hand through the dark. I know that is why we are still so close to this day. I know that is why we are still mistaken as newlyweds. When Jered chose to stand up for me and for our marriage though all the past and all the mistakes and through all the blatant rebellions. . . that is God's strength of character and love for me in him and I praise God for that.

Still. I sure am glad to be where we are now. I'm thankful for this house we have and the good memories we share.

I'm glad for these days, bittersweet days of reflection like today, where my mind can touch on the past and rejoice that I am free.

July in photographs

July has been one crazy month, I'll tell you what. First, 108 degrees. Not once. Not twice. Multiple times. However, we managed to cram a whole lot of doing stuff in one short month. Our July through photos: 

At the Youth Pool Party

Indoor Rock climbing!

Liesl, Rachel, and Rachel's friend rock climbing with us

Me and Mckenzie

Us and Mckenzie

In the youth room on ice cream/movie night.

Camping!! :)

Us @ "The Cove" aka Dad & Lisa's house

Us out taking beautiful sunset photographs

Pretty packed, that's for sure. Lots of swimming and working and hanging out with the youth kids and with friends. Now onto August!

Prayers

We went to Overland Regional yesterday. Had the day off so we met up with Mom and Sam. Aunt Erin was there. Guess the whole family's coming in town. Grandpa Dan was in ICU (mom's dad). Brain bleed. Jered and I put in these backwards blue robes with sleeves that end with holes for your thumbs. Silly, I thought, since they make you put gloves on too. They only wanted two people in at a time. Can I admit that I really didn't want to go in? I had an image of my grandfather in my head and it was of big, bushy eyebrows and bright blue eyes and a easy laugh. That image did not fit my grandfather in the hospital. I mean, I know, right? Of course it's not going to fit. But I am just saying that I didn't want that image to change.

It's my one thing about funerals. I get why people don't go.

And I get why we need to. And why we need to visit people even if they're not doing so well in the ICU. And that's why I put on that silly blue robe and those rubber gloves and we went into that chilly room.

I know enough to know how these things end but I'm still praying for a miracle. I cannot yet accept that I won't open an inbox completely jammed full of every Fwd on the planet all sent by Grandpa Dan. Not too long ago, he sent out copies of a business plan he'd written up. I think he thought it would help with Artistic Imagery.

Anyway, I'm still praying he'll come back.

If you're the praying kind, I'll ask you to include him in yours as well.

Thanks.

Calm Tuesday evening

The above photos were taken at the wedding we worked on the fourth of July. We're wearing hats because the bride requested that everyone wear hats. Of course, it was so hot outside nobody really went out there until the sun went down. We took our own hats off not too long after these photos were taken.

Went running today for the first time in several weeks. It's been a goal of mine lately to try and do one thing each day that really brings me a some real joy or peace or sense of accomplishment. Sunday, it was having a really great conversation with Jered when we both got home from a very long day. Yesterday, it was making a point to sit and chat with the new interns at work. They were eating lunch and usually I try to avoid most conversations during my break at work. It's kinda my "chill" time when I can just zone out. But yesterday, after a moment deliberation, I sat in front of them and proceeded to get to know them. Today, I was lucky to have several times of peacefulness and the sense of fulfillment it brings. We had lunch with Mom and my brother even joined us. He was bummed out because he'd just found out his living plans (he was moving tomorrow to Olathe) had fallen through. But it was still good to see him. Jered and he joined in a few jokes and that's always fun to see. Back at home, we lay in the cool of the air conditioning and watched the extras to We Bought A Zoo. It's the newest Cameron Crowe film we've watched and it was good in that almost-schmaltzy-yet-full-of-heart sort of way that Crowe does his movies. The music was done by the lead guy of Sigur Ros-- that Icelandic band I blogged about last February you might recall-- so that's all good.

Then this evening, after picking up our CSA, I got to go running at the park and it was oh so good. Okay, so I went two miles and it wasn't all running because I've been eating lots of really great wedding food and not running for several weeks. . . but it was enough to get me out of breath and really really thirsty so I call it perfect. On the way home I snacked on the cherry tomatoes from our CSA (yellow ones!) and listened to Laura Marling. Okay, Summer, you have reached your potential. I am satisfied. Everything beyond this is icing on the cake.

Jered doesn't like for me to brag on him, but I'm going to take a moment to do just that. I missed his sermon Sunday because I was at work (of course) but he had it taped and I got to see it. He did so good! It was on being "fishers of men" and he pulled all this scripture out of the old testament and out of Hebrews. I was very impressed. And he would read off his pretyped "talk sheet" but then sometimes he would just look out into the congregation and just *talk*. You could hear the people laughing or "Amen"-ing in the background. I so wish I could've been there. It's hard to feel that work is getting in the way of all the true and organic Life that happens. I try not to let it get to me.

I just spent some time looking up a really great camera/lens rental place online. Thinking about subscribing to the try-before-I-buy mentality. . . at least on some of this stuff that are thousands of dollars.

I guess that's all on this calm Tuesday evening. Thanks for reading.

Wasting Time

What good conversations I've been having lately. It's been marvelous to discover something that's been quite life-altering and an unimaginable blessing: fellowship. No kidding, right? But just as everyone goes through periods in their life, we'd been going through a bit of a dry one in the friend-ship category this past year or so. Perhaps it was a busyness of life. Perhaps it was that people move and get married and have kids and what we've had in common with some people dissipates. . . either way, these past few weeks, it's been so nice to reconnect with some older friends and hang out with some newer ones and even forge some fledgling ones. I think it all began with a conversation I was having with a friend one evening. It went something to the effect of: "Hey, do you ever watch [insert name of some TV show here. . . not sure which one. Storage Wars perhaps]?" -Friend "No." -Me "Why not? It's such a great show!" -Friend "I dont' really watch much TV." -Me


Okay, so this is a fairly common thread of conversation and has been these past 8-10 years or so (since going to college, really). I'm just not a big TV watcher. It made me wonder to myself why this was and why didn't I regularly watch any other TV than the 5:00 news? The answer came to me quite quickly, really: It's A Waste Of My Time. Not to judge. I know plenty of people who watch gobbs of TV and I'm not implying that this is worse than not watching at all. I spend my time in other ways, often not much more productive. Sometimes I surf the Internet (wikipedia is a time-sucker. . . as is ehow.com). I edit photos. Okay, that's not a waste of time. I read books. Some times this is a waste of time (like now. I'm reading Pride & Prejudice and Zombies. I think Aimee asked me the other day something to the effect of how could I live with myself that I am reading it. . . I told her I wasn't sure.)

Okay, so you might ask, what Isn't A Waste Of Time? I have a simple answer to this question. To me, I judge something as Not A Waste Of Time if it benefits me/my spirit/my body in some way or if it benefits somebody else. Next month, Jered and I are going down to Joplin to help with the ongoing relief. I didn't even know they still had quite a massive effort going down there but they do. Jered and I were getting quite tired of Wasting Our Time on such frivolities and niceties and vanities of life and Jered set us up to go help some people out for three days of our summer. It's not too long-- we had to fit it in with our work and weddings. But I'm looking forward to getting out of myself for a while.


Jered and I had the chance to visit some old friends when we drove out to Emporia last week. We probably wouldn't have left if we didn't have to work the next day, we had such a good time. Then I had the chance to hang out with some gal pals from work while we "watched the Olympic Trials" (the quotes are b/c we didn't really *watch* much). Last night I had the great blessing of hanging out with some ladies from church and then go out to DQ with a wonderful young lady from our youth group. There was not a moment yesterday that was wasted. Today I wasted 2 1/2 hours of my life watching "The Doors" by Oliver Stone. Not really in the mind frame lately to watch a movie about someone who lived a life entirely devoted to selfishness and ended up destroying himself with drugs and alcohol. Yeah, little too close to home, thankyouverymuch.

Although, on a positive note, we spent a very lovely 2 1/2 hours at Dad & Lisa's house. We swam and talked with Lisa and even got a chance to say Hey to Dad. Not a waste of time. Quite the opposite.

Life is too short. I'm tired of wasting it. I'm tired of letting these days and moments slip by though my fingers and not making them count for something. I'm tired of not sharing life and hope and taking in wisdom and love when I can. Why do we spend time and effort on those who only drain us and leave us feeling more parched? Why do we do the things that destroy us over and over and over? They don't fulfill us. They don't grow us. They're garbage and they need to be taken to the curb. We need to open the windows of our soul and fling open the doors of our consciousness and take each moment and thought captive and create our own destiny. We know what's right. We know what fills us with Light. We know what gives us hope and joy and peace. Why do we spend so much time and money on what doesn't?

Silly us.

Some thoughts

Above are some photographs from our camping trip with our Youth Group last week. It was more fun than we thought since we went to Jellystone in Lawrence and there were lots for the kids to do. We had a couple other adults along with us and that was an amazing blessing. We grilled and ate and played guitar and played tag and jumped on this blob-thing. . . it was great.

Josiah doing flips on the "blob"

In other news, our ladies bible study got started last night. We're going through a book on family (who's name I can't quite recall just now) and also Ephesians. The talk wound up centering around children and families since the other three ladies all have small children/babies. I commented that I feared raising a child in this culture. How is it possible to raise and protect impressionable minds from the depravity that defines our culture today? I know the answer is to raise them up in fear of the Lord (love, devotion, admiration, respect) and be good examples in what/how we ourselves as parents read/watch/say/treat each other and then trust God to grow that seed of holiness we plant. Perhaps I have a control-complex. Okay, scratch that. I *know* I do. Having a drive and a focus and a "can-do" attitude also translates into a controlling hand and a life that occasionally dives into the pit of fear from time to time.

In youth group this past Sunday, we read through the Second Commandment-- make no graven image and do not bow to it. This is very closely related to the first commandment-- have no other gods before God.

We talked over the basics of what this means: what does having other gods in our culture look like? What are some graven images that we are tempted to create and then "bow" to (ie, worship)? What do we worship and what does that look like? Of course, the youth came up with some good answers: Professional Athletes, Actors, Justin Bieber, etc. How Catholics create relics of the Virgin Mary, Buddhists worshiping a gold statue, etc. But then as Jered and I discussed it further in the car after church, we followed the rabbit trail of our thoughts until we were so deep into these two commandments, I felt something near despair at my falling short and how our collective lifestyle (in America) is set dead against everything that these commandments stand for. All of humanity has been dead set against it since the beginning-- wasn't that the original lie? That we could be like God?

To be honest, I have a real hard time with Christian musicians. Or TV preachers. Or big name Christian speaks/authors. I have very different views of wealth than a lot of the name-it-and-claim-it preachers who live the lifestyle even if they don't say those words (think preachers who make $100K+). Perhaps this is unfair of me and I hope not to judge harshly, but a year or so ago, I had a talk with the girls in the youth group during Girls Time and we were discussing why Jesus had the ministry He had. Why didn't He want fame and popularity? Why didn't He overthrow Caesar? Couldn't He have reached more people standing on a pedestal? Couldn't He have done more of God's work as an acknowledged leader with lots of power in that society? Why didn't He make Himself into a rockstar? Why didn't He write lots and lots of books and get in good with the Romans so he'd be invited to speak to large groups of people in the Colosseum? Why didn't He pay people to hear Him speak? Why didn't He sell tickets for people to see Him do miracles-- even if He gave the money to a good cause? Why didn't He sell T-Shirts signed by Him and why didn't He set up more of a business-like organization instead of getting the rag-tag, uneducated, coarse men He did?

What does that say about the way we do things on this earth? Why does it feel like we are doing far more "conforming" (albeit in a Christian way) than Transforming. Why do we take secular music and give it Christian lyrics? Why does Sunday Morning Services at the big megachurches often feel like more of a production than a gathering of souls? Are we still creating false gods? Are we still creating graven images? Who said we should have gigantic Jesuses hanging from gigantic crosses that we bow before? Isn't He in us? Why do Christians fear marking in their bible? Isn't the bible itself a book of ink on pages made by man and if we just live in the indwelling of the Word in us wouldn't that solve SO MANY PROBLEMS and issues people have with the bible (tradition, interpretation, version, etc)? Isn't the Word living and active? Can I not mark in my bible? And when it gets old and starts falling apart (as mine is) can I not put it in the recycling bin and go buy me a new one? I don't know? Is that considered sacrilegious? I'm sure it is to some.

Okay. I know those are some words. I might've just offended some people. But it just goes to show how far the rabbit hole goes. When God says to worship no other gods before Him. . . if we get really real and think about all the many gods in our life, I think we will come away astounded and flustered.

Praise God for His grace and His love for me in spite of myself!

I know there times I make money my god. That is when I find myself fearing my lack of money instead of trusting God.

I know there are times I make 'other's people's liking me' my god. That's when I don't speak up for the truth in fear of offending instead of responding to the stirring of the Spirit in me.

I know at times I make my own whims and wishes my god. That's when I don't feel much like doing what I know God wants me to-- whether it's going to small group or reading my bible.

Facebook is my god when I'd rather do that than go to church.

Music is my god when I'd rather listen to it than speak to Him.

Work is my god when I give myself entirely over to it and have nothing left over for the Lord.

When I'd rather do anything other than spend half an hour in prayer or reading or meditation-- that becomes a god. How often does this happen? Every week, day, hour, minute. . .

 

But He has promised that His law has been fulfilled. I am not condemned for my failure. I am secure in my promise and I will rest in this. However, I want more from my life than mediocrity. It's that goal-oriented, focused, "can do" attitude that says nevergiveup. I think I got that from my mom. Thanks, Mom :)  And I want to give it all to my God. I want to please Him. I want my life to be a sweet smelling sacrifice. Perhaps that's why Paul said we have to take "Every thought captive" and "Pray continuously" and "Rejoice always". Oh, I laugh. How impossible it can seem. But it isn't, I believe. It just takes a lot more will-power and prayer than I usually give. . .

I have no real title for this one

Just got back from our vacation. We could write a book with all the things we learned from this trip. First and most important: Being at the airport one hour (at least) before your flight really isn't optional. It's not a "good idea". It essential. Like as in they won't let you on your flight if you try to check in 30 minutes before your flight leaves. Doing so will result in you "missing" your flight. . . even though yes, you didn't technically miss it.

That's a big one. That one left us stranded in Philly an extra night and cost us some cash to buy two one way tickets to KC at 1:30 in the AM.

Another lesson learned is don't bother trying to do anything even remotely "touristy" on a holiday weekend. . .especially in regards to the ocean or any big cities (ie: Philadelphia). You will drive for ages looking for a parking spot only to find one two miles away and it's 95 degrees outside and you packed your walking shoes in the trunk.

I could go on.

In other news, I began and finished Jane Austen's 'Persuasion' and read the first 1/3 of 'Pride and Prejudice'. It's a good thing I really like Jane Austen's books.

The wedding went well. It was very beautiful. Hot and muggy and beautiful. Us from Webster who weren't getting married that day met up for Philly Cheese steaks for lunch before the wedding. The ceremony/reception was actually about 1 1/2 hours from Philly so we split after lunch till the wedding. What a good time it was! I got to wear my new dress and new shoes and Jered wore his fabulous Filipino top and his black hat. Angela is fabulously, glowingly pregnant and she gives me hope that such an experience might be worth going through. It was good to see Natalie again and Jered talked with Paul (Natalie's husband. . .) and of course, it's always a blessing to see Jo. See, Jo and me. . . well, of the five of us roommies, we haven't quite "made it" yet and we have that in common. But she's working and she has health insurance and she's in New York and she sings amazingly on a regular basis and we get to get a copy of her CD whenever she cuts one (hopefully soon). And she reminds me of my passion and she reminds me that I don't have to settle and I don't want to settle and I'm not alone out there in this.

Of course, I already do know that. I have had the amazing fortune of working with some quite fabulous people with whom I am learning grace and patience and compassion. I have often said that is the people who make work bearable and I have been blessed to be surrounded by some great ladies at work. I'm not sure what I would do without Eileen and Jeanna, Kayte and Cari, Liesl and Lauren and the handfulls of others too numerous to mention. I see those like myself, like Cari and Rachel who also aren't "there yet". They aren't where they will end of being. . .where their passion will lead them. . . and it's a hard road to be on without others along side the same journey. It can seem lonely and degrading and I'm glad to know that those are just lies and that we are all on this journey and that oftentimes, life isn't what you do day in and day out, it's the people you're with and it's the lives you're touching.

That sounds cliche but you know what they say about cliches. . .

While at the wedding, Natalie was talking about the problem with reading other people's blogs. It's that other people always put forward what they want others to see. . . so we read an imperfect representation of another's life and oftentimes, it can make us feel less about ourselves. Like our kids aren't good enough or our job's not good enough. Angela talked about people's perception of pregnant ladies and how two different people can come up to her in a single day and one lady thinks Angela's too big for how far along she is and another lady thinks she's too small. Angela says all she really wants anybody to tell her is how good she looks.

It's hard not trying to constantly live up to a standard. Whether it's our culture, our society, our peers, family or selves. . . it is life outside the Garden and it is life a part from God. No matter how close we are to Him, we will be born into and swimming around in this flesh that tells us we will never be enough. No matter how much money we have or kids we have or what job we have. . . it will never be enough.

God, I don't want to live like that.

I will let Target be enough for me. It's difficult. I will let Kansas be enough for me. I will let ten weddings this year instead of twenty be enough for me. It'll be difficult, but I know Jered will let being only a part time youth minister be enough for him. I know he'll let working three jobs to make ends meet work for him. It's difficult at times-- he's almost 35, he wants more. Of course he wants to "make it". Of course he wants a job that can support his wife and put ESPN on the TV. But if that doesn't happen. . . then what?

I had dinner tonight with my Dad and he was encouraging. He was encouraging in his pride in me, is support of Jered and my's marriage, his being impressed at our income. . . and in his solidarity with us. Dad has a fine arts degree from KU. He wanted to be a graphic artist. He painted and wrote stories and poems and he sketched and was (is still) a great artist. However, instead of art, he started his own lawn care business. His life didn't go the exact way that he had imagined. By his 20-year old standards, he never "made it". But of course he's a fabulous dad and husband with an incredible wife and has a life lots of people would envy. But really, who defines success? Can we let others do it for us?

I hope the only standard I'm held to is that I made the most of the life and the circumstances I was given. My standard is a good attitude in all things. My standard is being a good wife and daughter and friend. My standard is treating others as I'd like to be treated (and maybe even better).

Because who ever said that we had to be successful and talented and rich and influential just because we can? Because we can do something does that mean we should or that we need to or that something is wrong with us if we don't? They told me as a child that I could do anything I wanted to do: be anything I wanted to be. Should they have told me that? Should I do whatever I want to do and be whatever I want to be? What if everyone did that? Get me out of whatever place that is!

I know God wants me to be joyful and fulfilled. Perhaps I just need to keep reminding myself what that really and truly looks like. And I need to be sure I stick by that definition.

Just keep swimming. . .

I just read this on a friend's post on facebook and stole it. Yes, it's from Finding Nemo, yes, I know. But this is my mantra. Just keep swimming, just keep swimming. Swimming, swimming, what do we do? We swimm. . . .

Today I got a compliment from one of the execs at work. Ooo, and a gift card. It's nice to be recognized. And there was a lady today who interviewed for a team lead position. Oh please, please, please, God, let it be for the deli. I am very proud of all those hard working women over there but running two very high in demand departments is just about to do me in! I did tell my boss that I would take on the challenge until June. . . and that's in 1 1/2 weeks so perhaps this is God's grace in providing some relief. As Steven King once put it, sometimes God waits 'till the bottom of the Ninth!

My running buddy txted to say her kids were sick so I ran by myself tonight. It was quite warm. Sad that I miss running in winter. Very sad.

We're leaving Friday for Philly!!!!! Can't wait for Melissa's wedding on Sunday and we'll get to hang out with all my old college roommies and chillax. And of course, I'm very much looking forward to getting on a plane with my beautiful hubby (even though he doesn't like to be called "hubby") and rent a car and get a hotel room and eat in restaurants and get dressed up (I bought a dress!!!) like fancy well-to-do people.

This was quite the random post. I had all sorts of fabulous ideas as I was running and then later, driving down the road into the sunset and singing Awake My Soul! and Nothingswrong. . . Barb's playlist of course. A slight deviation from the Alison Krauss CD I've been listening to.

That's all for now.

That Jesus Music

A friend told me yesterday that one of my workmates doesn't particularly care for my music choice. Something about "when Barb opens, she listens to that Jesus music. I mean, it's okay, but really All Day??" Yeah, on my baking days I go into work, turn on our little stereo to K-Love and bebop around the bakery to It's A Good Morning and all sorts of stuff. I replied to my friend that it is my Jesus Music that keeps me in a good mood all day. It's my antidote to work. And the more I thought about it, the more it's true. I'd been told once and am fond of saying that Satan cannot be in the presence of Praise. For several years (and even still) Jered and I only listen to Jesus music on long car trips (ie: anything over three hours). We've found it to work against the bickering that can occur after several hours on the road. And although in my music collection only a relatively small percentage is Jesus music, somehow I don't ever care to listen to anything else while I'm at work. If I don't open, we'll listen to whatever the opener picked (country music on Wednesdays. . . took me a while to get used to that). But something about being up and at work at 6AM and the stress that usually precedes the reason for my needing to bake in the first place causes me to need a soul soother. So as much as I sometimes dog on Contemporary Christian Music, I will relent that there is certainly a time and place for it in my life. So thanks, K-Love, for reminding me that It's a Good Morning. . . even when it all seems to be falling apart.

(I do not own this song but I did find it on youtube. . .)