Just in Case You Thought I was Finished

I didn't really want to leave my Saturday night on such a deep, introspective note. I mean, that's good and all but in the midst of the introspection, I also need to say that life is actually really great right now. Yeah, you say, I definitely haven't caught that from your blogs at all...

But really. I'd been a little sad the past couple months because as great as my new place is, I realized there was no way I could realistically keep attending my church up in Basehor. It's now a good 40-45 minute drive and that's not something I can financially do... as much as I'd like to. Plus, there's something I like about being a part of a local church... with people who live and work in the same community. I'd like to make friends, get involved, join a small group. I'd been going to Heartland in Olathe for a while but I was feeling very disconnected. I didn't know quite what to do.

Then I went to church with my friends Brian and Rachel. I fell in love. As I've said before, I base a lot of my life not on feelings but on intuition. Do you recall a post I wrote last April? That there was a certain David Crowder song that they sang at church that had broken my heart? That I went to the park and listened to that song on repeat for over an hour and just cried? I haven't heard that song at church since... until I heard it at Oak Grove. It's a Baptist church in an old building just a bit east and north of me in KCK and I did judge it at first walking in. The air was musty. The inside looked like every single tiny baptist church Jered had ever pulpit-supplied at. The crowd was mixed and definitely not very "church like". But then I heard the music (a djembe! A cello!) and then I heard the preacher (verses backing up verses backing up points based on other verses! Amazing!).

And the fact that God was continuing to use these friends of mine. . . these friends that had been such a large part of my life and whom I had thought last spring that I'd lost... That Everything Changes... but oftentimes it changes for the better... it's amazing to reread past posts and see how much has changed and how far I've come in just 4 or 5 months. That what I found happiness in back then is what God has brought to fruition lately to bring me such joy. That the deep, aching melancholy that used to haunt me is nearly totally missing from my life. That the moments of stress or sadness I've experienced the past month or two is a mere shadow of what I'd been in.

Thank you, God. For all my stumbles and wrong turns and hesitations and down right fiascos... I just can't get over how His grace still led me to this place.

Deciding who She Wants to Be

You’ve got to decide who you want to be.

This is what she tells herself now everyday. Yes, it is that intentional. Yes, it is saying “no” every once in a while. Yes, it is being alone on a Saturday night because she chooses to be. She needs to choose to be alone. She needs to relish in the delightful solitude. It’s a difficult choice to make. It’s difficult being alone sometimes. It’s difficult being that intentional. It’s difficult deciding who she truly wants to be every moment of every day.

Since her life has slowed down and evened out lately, she's finally had a chance to stand back and take a long, hard look at herself. She has a clearer picture now. She is grounded and wants to stay this way. She has goals and she wants to reach them. She has an image of herself she wants to attain.

Lately, she's realized how easy it is to fall back into old habits and fears (oh how she saw this coming...) She struggles, holding her head barely above water at times. She falls back under. She loses herself. That person she strives to be calls out and wavers and vanishes under instant gratification, under impulse, under stress and fear. She recaptures that image fiercely, pushing all that hinders aside. Be intentional, she tells herself. These things don’t just come about on their own. Now is the time. Decide who you want to be and work towards it. Choose to be it. Every moment of every day.

A fragment of a thought has caught in her mind lately. The thought comes and goes, grows stronger or weaker depending upon her surroundings or circumstances. It’s how often she is repulsed by an idea but then gradually comes to accept it. Then in the clarity of a singular moment, she is repulsed by it again. Demands change. Outside herself, within herself. Some things she can affect. Others she cannot. Some things she needs patience on. Some things seem wildly out of her hands.

It’s the little changes, she supposes. Staying home on a Saturday night and going to bed early. Drinking tea with honey after dinner. Going to the gym after work. Taking her own lunch. Recycling. Voting. Meditating. Saving her money. Paying down debt. Keeping her eyes open for opportunities. Being diligent in conversation. Searching for resources. Taking advantage of ways to be a blessing.

Living with integrity.

Deciding who she wants to be every day. And then being it.

Every moment of every day. No matter how high the water gets.

Yay, this whole post will be in "highlighter mode"!!!!

I'm watching movies with my mom and sister tonight and I cannot wait :)  I'm reporting to work at 8a tomorrow, so I can't stay late, but I've been looking forward to having our girls night tonight since Mom mentioned it last weekend. Something about being with my family makes me smile. I realize how very protective I am of my family. My mom and step dad with their house in the North East full of dogs and birds and love...

I went to my Shawnee Target today. It was good, seeing my friends, checking in. I really do like my new position and my new store, but I won't forget my original Target Family... they've helped me through so much these past 10 months, it would be a dishonor to neglect them. I realize I'm very protective of them too... and my heart will always be a part of 1759 no matter where I go from here. It's a nice feeling, to have a Home Base..

That's all, really, going on. I've been hanging out with family more, trying to use my time wisely. Going to bed early. Working out. Packing and unpacking. Need to be out of my old place entirely by aug 6th and I still have a ways to go... what to do with all this Stuff, I'm not sure (!!!!) Give it away I guess. I did get a bike, though. My friend Becky told me I could have the one on her porch. Her and her fiance were kind enough to let me drive up and take it... I do need to pump up the tires but them I'm good to go!

In other news, I just used the tanning bed at my new apartment for the first time :) it was raining when I left-- a nice, summer rain. I walked to the clubhouse and when I was walking home, it was raining harder. Some guy in a car pulled over and asked me if I wanted a ride. It was sweet but I was 100 yards from my front door. . . having said that, I am a hopeless romantic at heart. I do want to fall in love. But I'm a particularly picky person. . . 

Well, someday maybe. 

I want to Do Something Real

. . . and what is that?

I've said it before and I'll say it again: The most miserable I've been in my life is when I've been living for myself and my own pleasure only. The happiest I've been is when I'm living for others...

I don't believe I deserve anything in this life. What do I deserve? Really? What do we deserve? What does this universe owe us? What does God owe us?

Seriously?

Everything I have is a gift. Every good day I have is a treasure. Every bad day is just a bad day. Every life event which seems terrible at first is simply a life lesson in the end. Would I change a day of my life? Would I change even one moment? Everything that has happened to me is something to learn from. It's something that has shaped me into the person I am. I really would not change a day. Lord willing, I will grow from every opportunity so why change my past? I have not been perfect, my life has not been the signpost for all that is right... I have not made the right choice at every opportunity.

I wish I'd been more active in my teenage years. I wish my brother was still alive and with us. I wish I didn't have to get divorced. . .

but I have love. I have joy. I have a strange sense of peace that overcomes understanding. I have compassion for the walkedupon. I laugh in the face of trepidation. I stand firm in the face of oppression. I square my shoulders in the face of challenge.

I am my mother's daughter after all.

But ultimately, I want to do something Real.

I want to change the world.

What's so wrong with that?

I Am the New Her

My first day in my new position was today. Funny, the only person I couldn't wait to get home and tell about my day is not at home at all but a thousand miles away. While it is by design of God's Will (I'm sure) that I am alone these next two weeks while I'm training, I sure do miss my friend and roommate. . . It's too bad this time around, he is without a cell phone. I have created a list of things to talk about which will require at least two hours of conversation on my part let alone his. I should expect to not sleep the night he comes home. . .

In other news, my aunt and cousin are in town from Washington State. I have made plans to move to California with my cousin when the time is right. We seem like similar souls who would get along well. Southern Cali, here we come!

So life alone in this apartment has consisted of a lot of movies. And work. And I did do the dishes today! Nevermind it was the first time since last Thursday. . . By no motive of my own, my evenings are filled this entire week. I'm trying to keep next week open because I'm not sure what it holds work-wise. I do have an apartment, still, to vacate, so there's that.

But I'm excited about my new Target. I like a good change of pace and a good challenge. It seems I'll get both in the months to come. . .

A Glimpse

He's standing in the apartment, plaid shorts on and a military vest. He's tying his new whistle on the front of his jacket. His new ear plugs are stuck in his ears. I tell him he looks like a life guard. He looks in the mirror to see if it's true.

He plugged his ipod into the speakers and we are listening to some Eastern Asian meditation music. He lit incense as I type. There is Chipotle from dinner in the fridge. We have friends coming over at 9. We were supposed to go rock climbing but the military tumps that... as I knew it would.

We went on base at Ft Leavenworth today and we strolled around the shop with all the uniforms and military gear. I bought my dad's birthday present. He handed over his uniform to get his officer gear sewed on. Now we're back home and he's opening his loot, packing his gigantic bag. He strapped that bag on me today, buckling the ties around my waist and chest and cinching the straps around my arms. I padded around the kitchen feeling like a turtle. 35 lbs on my back. Ruck March for 10 miles with that thing? No thanks.

There is military gear strewn around the apartment. The windows are open and the fans are on. It was 95 degrees today but we have yet to turn on the airconditioner. He's used to sleeping outside in the summertime and I am always cold so it is a good match.

Tomorrow is my dad's birthday. Tomorrow I'm hanging out after working with a bunch of my family who have come in town. Tomorrow my roommate leaves for 16 days for military training.

Such is my life right now...

My Awakening

I reread The Awakening by Kate Chopin this past weekend. It was probably the fourth or fifth time I'd read it. The book spoke to my soul in a way it couldn't have possibly before. Oh, the truths that fell before my feet. Each word written as if from my own diary. The sentiments expressed had been mine all these long past 9 months (excluding the past month itself... oh, strange irony).

I don't apologize for the strangeness of my life. I've tried to describe the realities as I see them, as I experience them, but I've realized that most people have no real context. I think perhaps it is me that is being strange and when I say being strange, I mean "wrong". I have a very hard time seeing in black and white anymore, though. I have a hard time seeing cultural trends as they pertain to me. I don't say I'm outside them. I'm just saying that perhaps I live outside the predetermined lines in the sand that our society has dawn.

I get nods that mean, "ohhh, I see."

Those knowing glances.

The questioning stares.

I'm done explaining. My life is what it is. I'm done trying to figure it out myself, I get so exhausted. I don't like labels or borders or definitions much-- never have. Please don't expect me to explain my life or dreams or living situation to you in any way you will understand.

I guess that's all I can say about that.

I know it doesn't help much.

But I'm happier now than anytime I can truly remember. That's gotta count for something...

All day long I looked forward to going home. James is gone for the weekend so I have the place to myself. The only thing on my mind all day long was being alone. Put together my room. Clean the apartment. Finally watch Cloud Atlas. Eat some food. Go to bed early. I was giddy with the thought of it.

I am writing this as I watch the movie.

It is astounding. Enlightning.

Are our souls aligned though the years? Decades? Centuries? I've joked about Past Lives but could God allow such a thing? How else can I describe these feelings I sometimes have? These connections with people that sometimes manifest?

Two people, like magnets, drawn toward each other.

How can you describe it?

There is no definition.

I have been here again and again and again.

She Says I've Done A 180

And it's true.

It's the blind man seeing the light
and the homeless
being taken in.
It's something so fulfilling inside
but you know
it won't last forever
but you soak it up
as much as you can.

It's the lonely girl being
poured into
again and again and again
until she is
overflowing.

The dark days won't be
gone forever,
they loom ahead of me,
a dusky shadow
on the horizon.
But I am building that fortress now,
brick by brick,
not a wall or tower
but a support system
that will sustain.

Not something to be knocked down
but something to cultivate.
Something that will last--
protection for my heart and my
future and my happiness.

I have a goal in place and a plan in mind
and a line in the sand
that cannot be crossed.

I thank God for His provision
again and again and again
even in the midst of the
pain of the past.

Oh Lord,
it's still a mystery
to me
that
I can be
this happy.

Here's to the Good Times

Summer time you
are instilling in me something
that cannot last
but I will not think of that
now.

Pool parties
and making new friends
and drinking beer in the sand
and toes in the mud
and blasting that new song as loud as you can
while flying down the highway...

It's the lake
and the brats
and the volleyball games
and the falling asleep in the car on the way back,
sun burnt and sleepy
and happy.

Bowling until midnight.

Smoking cigars until 2am.

Waking up at 7am,
the sun in the sky,
the warm summer breeze
flowing through
your open
window--
the air's not turned on yet.
It's him cooking steak and eggs before a day at the pool.

It's laying out the yoga mat and stretching while
the roommate sleeps until noon.

I wish I could capture this time in a bottle
and keep it.
Hold it
close to me
forever.

And Here (I Am)

This is the fourth time we're listening to 'The Booze Cruise' form Blackjack Billy. My new roommate is sitting in front of me trying to play along on his electric guitar. I offered to look up the tabs. He likes the challenge. We just got back from work... an hour late... (remember that time I said I got off at 10?) and now we have cold beers and all the time in the world.

No need for a phone call at 11pm this Wednesday. First time in I can't remember...

Tomorrow I'm photographing a wedding. Friday I will sleep in. Lay out. Close the Deli. This weekend will be full of swimming and friends and heading to the lake.

Remember when I said last Spring that Everything Changes? That I would have to go it alone?

I really had no idea what was in store. It seems the dark days are over. . .

Settling In

I'm here @ the dmv so I thought to give a little life update. I moved Saturday into my new place. I was going to do it later on this month, but a buddy offered his truck on a free day off and I figured I should just get it over with... I hate waiting once I've decided on something. My roommate's the same way and had already cleared out my room...

After only 3 days, it feels like the most natural thing in the world... after my last two less than stellar living experiences, it is a breath of fresh air... it's amazing what a stable homelife will do to erase stress. Instead of sitting alone at my computer, I'm playing Super Mario and eating home made roast. Instead of feeling like a burden, I'm txt'd with a 'when are you getting home, let's go to the gym, but first I've got something to show you...'

Have I mentioned I've been "home" now for three straight nights in a row? It's quite the record. Of course, it was exactly the slow-down I expected from this move....