Bunch of Rambling. I apologize in advance.

I think my cat misses me. I can usually tell when he follows me around the house. I mean for like, hours.

I opened Spotify tonight and couldn't decide what to listen to. Right now, I'm listening to Phillip Phillips. His song "Home" is on the radio so I looked up his whole album. Spotify is really great. I've managed to turn one of my friends on to it. He gets it through his TV and listens to meditation when he sleeps. I thought to myself, I need to learn how to get Internet through my TV. That way I can listen to Spotify in every room of my house.

My sister, mom and I all saw Breaking Dawn pt 2 this evening. It made me want true love to exist. I mentioned this to Mom on the way out of the theater and she said something to the effect of, "girls, this is just a movie. Love like that does not exist." She's had 5 husbands so I'm guessing she knows what she's talking about. It still made me kinda sad.

Back to music... I listened to Coldplay's Rush of Blood to the Head today. That is such a great cold-weather-November album. Today was the first time I listened to it and felt everything was right with the world. For the record, this is the first November in quite a while that I wasn't immediately transported back to November circa St Louis Sophomore year. Can't quite say why. Perhaps it's because I've finally crossed that 7-year reinvent thyself milestone and I am simply a different person. It's true I no longer wear lots of corduroy and hoodies. I also don't spend 8 hours in the darkroom every day. I run more.

After a conversation I had today, I've almost nearly committed myself to 1. Sending out Christmas Cards and 2. Having a Christmas Party at the house. First, I need a tree. And some ornaments. And possibly some Christmas music. I dunno. Just not feeling it much this year. Maybe I'll just go over to Dad and Lisa's and help set up their tree.

Sorry this is kinda random.

I'm done now.

They keep calling me feisty...

...so I looked up the definition.
It says "Lively, resilient, and self-reliant".
That's dictionary.com for you.

I wouldn't care so much but
the word keeps coming back to me
again and again
like a nametag
I forget I'm wearing.

I think I died once,
maybe a hundred times over and over,
but I'm back now.
Perhaps that's what they really see.

Yesterday

I almost gave in yesterday.
By that I mean I almost gave it up,
gave it all up
and said to Hell with it for good
but
it was Thanksgiving
so I was gracious.

Fling those doors wide open,
I dare you.

Linkin Park and Dayquil

You know how I feel about posting lyrics to a song... but....

Give up your heart left broken
And let that mistake pass on
'Cause the love that you lost
Wasn't worth what it cost
And in time you'll be glad it's gone

-Roads Untraveled  -Linkin Park


I'm making some major life decisions now here, folks. First decision of the week.... dinner at Cari's house Fri instead... well. Just instead.

What else? Waiting. Patiently. Perhaps for nothing, but waiting none the less. Grad school, anyone? This week has been the week of meeting up with old friends and making some new friends and the looming Black Friday and the inevitable question of What's Next? I am not a patient person. Not in the least. I don't care much for waiting.

Oh, and I got a tattoo.

No joke.

So there's that.

Oh, and I feel like crap. Big time. How I made it through these past two days of work is a mystery known to me and Dayquil. I was told today I need to have a good sit-down with my body and whip it back into shape. Maybe so. Or maybe I just need a good, solid 18 hours of sleep. Hello, Thanksgiving!!

That's all.

To Denver I go

It wasn't on my list of things to do, but as of today, I am now completely committed to driving out to Denver, Colorado. Two weeks from tomorrow. Oh yeah, that's how we do things here in Shawnee. No half-A-ing it here...

I called Stephanie and told her I was coming. Probably bringing a friend. Need to cut gas costs, of course. We're going skiing. Breckenridge. Arapahoe Basin. Have I ever been skiing in Colorado? Nope. Have I been skiing at all really? Sure. Snow Creek, right?? I'd like to think it's kinda like riding a bike. Only not on a bike and on skis. On snow. Down a mountain. Go with me on this...

I'm stoked. I used to be the girl with the crazy ideas. I used to be the one in a group who said, "Let's just Drive. Let's just drive and see how far we get." And then we wind up in Canada. Yep. True story.

I was the one who drove to Minneapolis. Louisville. Chicago on a day trip to eat at Cheesecake Factory. Spent a summer in the Yucatan. Spent two weeks in France.

It's been a while since I've channeled my crazy into such an adventure. Let's call it the precursor to What Is To Come. Oh yeah, family on the West Coast. I'm talking to you...

A Moment of Stillness

Today was a difficult and frustrating day. It's been a couple months since I've had one of *these* days at work... and today broke that stretch. Needless to say, I went to the park afterward. My trail was closed so I took off down the Millcreek trail. I love running the shortcut through the boyscout campground (love those hills!) and making the loop back and doing it again and again. Well, today while on my second loop, I came to a halt at the point where the gravel road meets up with the regular trail. If you don't know what I'm talking about, there's a point where the ground opens up before you and there are trees in the distance and this valley before you stretching out where the equestrian trail winds around. It's pretty.

 Well, today when I stopped, it was one of those Hollywood moments that took my breath away. The sun was at 5:00 setting time and there were geese flying above the trees and not even 20 yards away was a young white tailed buck. He was casually walking across the lawn and he stopped and looked at me. He wagged his tail (seriously) as he contemplated me contemplating him. This lasted what seemed like forever. A minute. Two. A long time spent staring at a deer. He kept flicking his tail and looking away and looking back at me. Took a couple steps. Stopped. Looked at me. Flicked his tail.

Oh yeah, and I was listening to Linkin Park's 'Robot Boy' off their Thousand Suns album... which is freakin beautiful, by the way.

But I regress.

I'm not kidding, I sat down right there. Right in the grass. It was kinda muddy. I didn't care. I sat there for I don't know how long before I got really cold and it got a bit dark so I got up and brushed the dirt off my pants and hid this moment in my heart. The buck was still staring at me as I turned back up the boyscout trail. With a glance at the dipping sun, I flipped my ipod back to 'When They Come For Me' and cranked it. I crushed those hills. When I arrived at my car flushed and satisfied, I was equal parts peaceful and energized and rejuvenated.

Amazing what 45 minutes at the park can do.

It's November.

Fourth Quarter.

Oh yeah. Bring it on.

Some Nights

Some nights, I stay up cashing in my bad luck
Some nights, I call it a draw

 

But I still wake up, I still see your ghost
Oh Lord, I'm still not sure what I stand for oh
What do I stand for? What do I stand for?
Most nights, I don't know anymore...

 

Btw, went out this past Friday. It was very nice.

 

 

 

That's it. That's all I have to say right now.

 

 

 

First day of the New Decade

Some goals:

Take guitar lessons... professional or otherwise ;)
Write a book (fiction or non, no preference)
Get out of KC... preferably to the West Coast
Hike the Grand Canyon
Surf in San Diego
Revisit Yellowstone. Camp. Possibly illegally.
Run a half marathon

There's more. But there's a start. It would be nice to do all these things in the next year. We'll see. I read somewhere that it's easier to do the impossible than to do the possible. . . ask me what that means and I'll tell you ;)

In other news, I've found Fun. By that, I mean the musical group. I'm a little addicted. I have an addicting personality, most of you know. So, I've listened to "Some Nights" now about twenty times. Within the past five hours. What can I say, when a song speaks to me, I listen. Again and again and again and again.

I'm going out again this Friday night. I work at 7:30a on Saturday.

Wish me luck.

My 30th

On the last evening of my 29th year, I'll tell you what. I am crazy. But I made a good choice tonight. I made the choice to go to my house. Went out and came back.

If that sounds normal to you, perhaps you haven't lived a life like mine lately. When I leave my back door, I'm never quite sure when I'll be home. . .

That's perhaps a slight exaggeration. Perhaps.

After this past weekend, I had some soul searching. Who am I? What do I want? What does God have in store for me? And most importantly, What in the blanketyblank am I doing with my self? Self, what are you doing??

What do I want?

What on Earth do I want?

I'll tell you right now, I have a made up mind on some things and on others, I'm consistently swayed.

Thank God for the people He has placed in my life at this time. Thank you, God, for those voices of Reason. For those Good Influences if I myself remain a bad one at times. Thanks for giving me people I can count on.... even if they frustrate the hell out of me sometimes. Thank you for giving me friends who forgive my crazy. My weakness. My damnitalltohell attitude. . .

Like a sheep to the slaughter. . .

Thanks, guys. You know who you are.