Becoming Myself

Honesty time. I constantly let other people define me. Why do I put up that front... be who I think they want me to be... try to read their minds, try to rehearse the way I think I should act so maybe they'll like me and approve of me... (I want that raise, I want that person to be my friend, I want them to like me, I want my bosses to support me, I want that guy to fall in love with me...) and then I hate myself and hate my life when they don't?

When they don't book me as their photographer.
When they don't laugh at my jokes.
When they don't ask me out.
When they don't care what I have to say.
When they don't make time for me
or support me
or listen to me
or care.

And then I don't try. I show up and say Forget This to the world and all it's inhabitants and I decide-- really decide that they can take me or leave me and I don't care what they think and I'm just going to be this crazy person who probably talks too much and isn't as "professional" as she should be and she leaves dishes in the sink and goes to bed at 2am and buys finger paints and looks her boss straight in the eye and says "No, I didn't get it done" because she didn't and she refuses to make an excuse. She is the person who makes eye contact with every person she comes in contact with and says Hello, unashamed. Firm handshake. She belongs here. She speaks up and speaks her mind but chooses her words carefully because she is a thoughtful person. She expresses her opinions and includes people in inside jokes and makes people feel loved because...

well, because she loves them for who they are and not what they can do for her.

Because she doesn't need them to tell her who she is.
Or validate her life.
Or give her purpose
or meaning.

I mean, we are all community people
--me most of all--
and I know I am not a rock and I need people and community and to feel that love and support.

However, just because I could become the best for everyone (and I believe that),
not everyone is the best for me
and I need to let go
of those that bring me down
and I need to stop trying so hard
to win them over.

I am perfectly loved and I am becoming perfected day in and day out into the glorious person God created me to be.

Amen.