He is risen!

They had us say this at church this morning three times. He is risen. He is risen indeed. Well, the pastor said the first part. The congregation echoed the second. I said it once. Twice. Got a bit choked up and didn't say the third.

I got a bit choked up a couple times at church today. Not sure what was getting to me so much. Perhaps the topic. It was "I was as good as dead"... People shared their testimonies and the pastor asked us... have we ever felt as good as dead? Or close to it?

Yes.

I have.

Spiritually. Emotionally. Physically.

I've made some good and right choices here lately. I've stood up for some things and seen positive life results. I know I'm not finished yet. I know there are still things I need to change, things I need to prioritize and accomplish.

But.

I came to that fork and I picked a way. I was lost in a maze and He lifted me out. There once was darkness and indecision and regret and sadness and confusion. Now there is only the future before me and dawn's rays are alighting on the road signs.

I've been as good as dead many times and somehow I was always rescued. Somehow, I was always saved and drawn out of it. Somehow He gives me the right people to come along side me. Gives me the right conviction to shake me up. Gives me the eyes to see that I've gotten lost...

It's not really innocence that I long for. It's to recognize the darkness and chose another way.

Thank you, God, for using the strangest of circumstances to make sure I went to church this morning. Thank you for leading the way. Thank you for using people to teach me and love me.

Thank you for taking that weight off my chest.

Thank you for being who you are.

Thank you for the empty grave.

He is risen indeed.

To continue...

To continue the blog I began yesterday (I was distracted suddenly and for a while...) I had an afternoon spent in quiet contemplation and inner turmoil and my words from the previous blog came back to me in haunting clarity at several times. My future apartment complex leasing agent called today and said because of my Hannibal house, I wouldn't be approved for a lease. If my house was in foreclosure, I'd be fine because they have foreclosure forgiveness but since I wasn't... since I was merely behind $2500 worth of payments, I was not qualified to lease from them. Friends told me to go to my parents for help. Perhaps borrow $2500 to get me caught up on payments? But then again I am quite on the way to foreclosure and why on earth spend $2500 to put off the inevitable?

I had thoughts of selling everything I own and using the money to begin paying down debts. Every. Single. Last. Thing. Computer, sofas, kitchen table, books, CDs, Blu-rays, dishes, lawnmower, headboard, cameras... maybe crashing at friend's places with my necessities in a backpack. Couch hopping. Being relatively homeless... or convincing my parents to let me live with them for a month or two. Foreclose on the house. Save some money. Find a place to live.

That's about when my previous blog came back to me...

Sell everything I own and live simply. Oh man. Perhaps I'm prophetic.

Well, the leasing agent called me back and said I could get approved... just pay an extra $795. Well, $795 is better than $2500. I don't have to sell much to get $795... and as much as I am relived and glad to be able to move in to Park Edge after all... I admit a small part of me is a little disappointed. Not really disappointed, I didn't really want to be homeless. But my emotions began this afternoon in despair and worry and anger and ended in some kind of strange gleefulness. I was helping shoot the produce order and as I was scanning bar code after bar code, the wide open future stretched before me. The motorcycles I was looking up online last night and the sunny California coast rose in my mind.

Either way, my priorities had quickly snapped into place and a clarity of mind I rarely get to experience settled upon me.



Oh to sell everything I own and...

Just live simply.

Society

Have I mentioned on this blog how much I hate materialism? How much I long to sell everything I own and... 

Just live simply.

It's a mystery to me
We have a greed with which we have agreed
And you think you have to want more than you need
Until you have it all, you won't be free -Eddie Vedder

I shared this link with some friends of mine.
http://slaveryfootprint.org/

Just makes you think I guess.

Something must change.

In 10 Days

In ten days I put down a deposit on an apartment, I got out of my lease and I finalized plans for the big D and we're both okay with being friends and moving on...

In ten days, two of my friends will no longer work with me. Our six is now four and our four just two. And who knows how long even that will last?

In ten days, I got to play quasi-LOD and although the night was crazy, it was also solidifying. Yep. I can do that. Bring it on.

In the past ten days, the weather went from 80 degrees to Snowpocalypse pt 3. I went from having dinner with friends on Wednesday to a beautiful hotel room in Crown Center on Thursday. I got my first massage and got to tan some and work out in one of the most amazing hotel gyms I've ever seen. I got to hang out with my mom, just her and me, for the first time in a very, very long time. I got to process through some life with her and get her input on some of the things I've struggled with. She made me feel less alone.

I watched a movie on Imax 3D. I stepped foot inside the planetarium. I ate amazing food for three days.

What I probably enjoyed most about hanging out with Mom were our conversations. She's always been a good friend to me and it was finally nice to be honest about some things, about some of my struggles, the things I'm still up against. How I never wanted to be a divorcee. How I got married way too young. How I am always drawn to the dreamers and the artists and she was too but that's why she was always burned. How we are both strong, crazy women and good luck to me finding someone that will put up with me... haha. But seriously. I've been told I just need to find a nice engineer and settle down. But I don't think I would know what to talk about to some solid, (boring), financially secure man...

I've discovered that I have friends who will support me and love me... even when I don't always make the best life choices.

In ten days, I took one step closer to the light. The sun is just now beginning to dawn. . . it will be interesting to see what the morning will reveal. I hope I'm ready for it.

Tonight, we dance

It had been a long time since I danced. I told a friend the other day that I danced by myself... I don't think he completely understood. Salsa? Alone?

I recall blogging about the power of dance a while ago. Maybe it was on my Xanga. Either way, I've always danced. As long as I can remember. Tonight, I put in a CD that I hadn't listened to in years. I used to dance to it. Back in high school. I'd put it in my little black boombox and twirl and leap in the tiny space that was my bedroom. It sounds silly but people who understand know what I'm talking about. It's as freeing as singing. It's like flying. It's something inside that just Must Come Out. People who don't understand won't ever, sadly. Unless they find it in themselves.

Loreena McKennit. That's who I danced to tonight. I lit some candles, cleared some space, and let it out until I was heaving on the floor. Often, I end my dancing in tears. But not tonight.

Tonight, I danced to my future. I danced to the couple who saw the house today and who txt'd me back and want to rent it. I danced to my future apartment with Aimee. I danced to my future dancer's figure. I danced to my future with Target. I danced to my future...

God is good and He fits everything together. I can't tell you what magic it is. I can't tell you how it works. I just know that it does.

Amen to that.

I Finally Got it Figured Out

Sometimes I can be a highly emotional person. People who know me on a day to day basis might disagree. But people who spend a large amount of time with me know that it's true. I don't mean emotional as in expressing emotion. I mean I am easily swayed by my emotions. Oh yes, you nod to yourself. That does sound right.

Yesterday was an alternately incredibly awesome and incredibly difficult day. I got a random check in the mail that allowed me to pay my student loans. I got an email from a church I went to once back in November and somebody had turned in my wallet (that I'd lost in Westport Friday night) to the church office. Random. And incredible.

But then there was the stress of deciding where I wanted to live and with whom (Westport in a house or Joco in an apartment?) The stress of my future being in the air and me feeling like I need to make all these decisions now. The stress of lots of different advice-- while well meaning-- coupled with my indecisive nature...

I spent a lot of time at work mentally sorting through my life. I came to some conclusions and made some declarations and decided on some things. And here we go: I'm posting them here as my formal declaration and to put an end to my "flippity-floppity" ness because I'm tired of not having concrete direction.

I'm getting a renter for this house, come Hell or high water. I will get an apartment with my good friend, Aimee, and we want to live by Shawnee Mission Park. We're applying to a place we've agreed on this coming Friday. I'm continuing with my plans at Target. I had a good talk with my boss yesterday and it reenergized me for the future and my part in it. Also, however, I am going back to school next Spring. I want to get my Masters. I've checked out programs at UMKC and also several online and I really want to study some form of counseling. I might have to take some undergrad classes next fall to get caught up to speed. I'm meeting with an academic advisor next month to look at my options.

And I'm going to Branson next weekend with Mom and I'm buying a bike. And I'm going to learn how to dance. I may or may not get a second job at Hertford House-- but that's a decision I don't have to make just yet. And I am not going to Westport or P&L or any such money-sucking place no matter how much Kayte begs me until I lose 10 lbs (beer is very bad for the waistline...) and until I'm all caught up on my bills.


Bam.

Who knew that zoning the entirety of grocery by myself was good for my life planning ;)

First wedding of the season

I never look forward to doing weddings. The entire day this past Friday, I was dreading the drive, dreading the entire ordeal and hoping somehow I could get out of it (it's a wedding, of course I can't get out of it...). I hadn't met these people, I had no idea what I was getting into and it had been several months that I'd photographed a wedding and the first one above all makes me nervous.

But then I did drive out there and I met the bride and her lovely daughters and her adorable grandson and I met the groom and they were all so stinking *nice*... and their wedding was beautiful and they were so obviously in love with each other...

I remembered why I enjoy photographing weddings so much. Okay, so sometimes they are very long days and sometimes the bride really isn't so nice or maybe the bride and groom don't particularly seem to like each other let alone seem in love... but most are like the wedding I had on Friday. The bride was beautiful. The place was decorated nicely and everyone pitched in and helped set up the taco feast for the reception and I once again was floored by the luck that I have to get to spend such a Friday night. I talked with several of the guests and everyone was having a good time and everyone was friendly...

It's just so great to do something you love for work.

I wish I could do it all the time.

Thank you, God, for Wednesday mornings

Her house was a mess. Solid. No question. Saturday she worked and went out with some friends. Got maybe 2 hours of sleep. Sunday she worked and was summoned right after work with the promise of wine and guitar playing and Breaking Dawn pt 2. She fell asleep during the movie.

She woke up early on Monday and went to work and went to guitar lessons and then had dinner with a friend and they discussed life and future plans, maybe a house in the Plaza, maybe writing together every Monday night... When she got home that night, only 9:45 or so, her house was a mess. But she washed her face and went to bed.

She woke up to her phone buzzing at 8:30am and her wake-up caller was quite insistent on going to the gym. Right Now. As in, 'Hurry up and get your stuff are you leaving your house yet, I'm having a bowl of Apple Jacks but when I'm done you need to be here so we can leave, I have this new pre-workout mix, did I not tell you about this, and you must try it, I've got something to show you on the computer, we don't have much time, why aren't you on your way?...'

She hadn't had caffeine yet but that was no matter. She was on her way in thirty minutes. Her house was still a mess. They didn't actually make it to the gym until 11 and they worked out for 2 1/2 hours. She bench pressed 65 lbs and he played basketball while she did the elliptical. Chipotle for lunch. They drove back, she changed, went to work. She worked until 11 that night and left and got home. Her house was still a mess. She was sore and tired and she went to bed.

Thank God for Wednesday mornings. She woke up at 7:30 and had four solid hours before any plans. Plenty of time to put her life back together.

She cleaned her house. Did the dishes sitting in the sink since Friday. Took her laundry out of the dryer (also there since Friday). Gathered her shoes, unpacked her gym bag, ate some breakfast. Paid some bills. Set an appointment. Fed her cat.

Oh man.

She wouldn't slow down for one minute, though. Everything changes. And she was so afraid of missing out on this time while she had it...

Everything Changes

This blog has always been personal. And a little quirky. I guess I'm full of thoughts today because here I go posting twice in one day. Within a couple hours of each other. I'm thinking. I've been thinking a lot lately. About my job. About my circumstances. About my friendships. About loneliness. About purpose. About what the point of life is. And what I want in this life. And what I'm doing with myself.

A workmate of mine put in his two weeks. This floored me. And saddened me. And makes me want to give up and give in. That's not usually my nature, but several things are pulling me down and it's hard to keep my chin up. He's only been my peer for 9 months but in those 9 months, my life has irrevocably changed... and I owe him some credit in that. He was unknowingly a catalyst for where I now am and I owe him that (although it is a distinction I think he would rather not want...). Anyway. His leaving depresses me. His girl is still at Target so I'm sure he'll be around.

But.

I feel work slipping away from me. I feel some choices I'm making in my job are hindering my standing, putting me in a limelight I'm not comfortable with. People talk. Choices have consequences where they shouldn't. I've been told as such. I've been told to keep an eye out. To stop the rumors... to watch where I spend my time...

::cough::

Oh workmates, surely you know exactly what I'm talking about....

But I can't help it. I can't stop it. I can't control it. How can one control such things? This attention is certainly not what I wanted but there's no going back, really. How can you undo what's done? How can you take back six months worth of speculation? And don't I edit and plan and keep myself out of way? Don't I edit even this?

But then... I know sometimes I stop trying. Sometimes you just have to give in. . . sometimes you say f* it and you go help break down the produce truck. Or you put down the bread you're packing and engage in a  fifteen minute conversation next to the sample domes about socialism vs capitalism or salsa dancing or music theory or grapefruit... Oh, Lord.

Everything changes. I know that. The thought haunts me in those moments even where everything seems at peace. Last night, sitting in that chilly apartment, drinking beer, watching country music videos... it's not something I would choose for myself on a Friday night, but at that moment, there was no other place I wanted to be. In those moments, the hesitation and melancholy and fear are forgotten. Completely. And all that remains is simple, childlike wonder at something new to learn or hear or see or understand. It's a big, new world opening up. It's being with like minds who have fearlessness and dreams and an unbounded wonder. Hiding these encounters in my heart, this is what gets me through the cold nights when I'm alone.

But I know everything changes. And soon all my friends might leave my workplace. And soon my evening music theory lessons might come to an end. Life will move in a different direction for all of us. I can see the end even now. I can see the change that will swiftly come, a pink on the horizon of the dark.

But as much as I have hope in the future, I cannot be blamed for holding onto the good of what I have as long and as often as I can. So productivity suffers a little. Older friendships fall a bit by the wayside. My cat goes a little neglected...



anyway...

Let me introduce myself to you

I should've gone to the gym today but I'm exhausted. Up too late again. Midnight really isn't so late but it is when I wake up at 5:18. That's a very specific time, but that's the time I woke up this morning. That's when the alarm went off and I had to go to work. Besides, my back is tight and I can't seem to relax it and so I went to the tanning salon instead. I traded vanity for health. To be fair, it was a difficult decision to make. I almost very nearly felt guilty. Almost.

Last night I learned a massive amount of Music Theory. My mind: Blown. It's high time after all these lessons I've been paying for and pestering for, I finally cracked the code. Music, I guess, is just a series of patterns that repeat. Patterns within patterns within patterns. It's like something out of the Da Vinci Code. And it's a lot of math. And thinking. I was promised the thinking gets lessened. I guess there are shortcuts. Very soon I will be the ultimate guitar hero (for real, though, I mean, on a real guitar...)

Not quite up to par with most people's Friday Night plans but I'm trying to save money and be healthy and generally lead a forward moving life instead of one spent constantly going out. Well, I should be truthful. I was going to go out. It was a plan devised with some friends from work while we sat in our office for a good 45 minutes after our shifts all ended (wild, I know). But as impulsive as I am, something deep down inside me knew I wasn't going to wind up on the slopes of Snow Creek at midnight as originally planned. Well, okay, I am that impulsive. Thankfully, I have far less impulsive friends... at least when it comes to follow-through. So that's how my Friday night ended with left over Chinese food and the Zac Brown Band and music theory lessons.

And that is why I did not go to the gym today. And why I smell like tanning lotion.

What a difference a Week Makes

She stands in her house and looks around and sees everything she would be willing to leave behind. Most everything. She'll need a bed and a dresser. She'd bring her computer. She would need to find a home for her birds. Find a place for everything else. Or leave it. Or sell it (she is her mother's daughter...)

It would be so easy.

Last night, hanging around the kitchen table with her girlfriends, biting the heads off Teddy Grahams and dipping strawberries into chocolate, she laid out her plan. . .

"In California," Sarah says. She doesn't ask. She already knows.

Yes. But not now. Not quite yet. She must first see how other plans line out, how the pieces of the puzzle will eventually fit together.

"I could move in with my mom," she muses. "Unless I convince you to let me be your roommate," she says this to a friend as they work. She's joking. Mostly.

Her other friend wants to get a place on the Plaza. This appeals to her but she's not keen on putting down roots. Not the one-year-lease-kind of roots anyhow. Not just yet.

If it came right on down to it, she'd do it Victorian Style and "visit" friends for extended periods of time, living  out of the modern-day equivalent of a trunk (a backpack). Then she wouldn't be so lonely. Sleeping on couches or guest beds.

Or she could just up and leave. Go to Africa. Brazil. Colorado or California.

Well.

It's just that today she texted her landlord and said she's moving out in one month. Oh the possibilities seem endless.....