I Need More of These Days

By that I mean, I need more productive days. Yesterday was a slacker day. Today was a productive day. I took the below photo while sitting at Black Dog Coffee House (one of the best in the city, in my opinion). I got photos edited and blogs written and pictures posted and apps downloaded and research done and house hunting accomplished... all within 4 hours. Bam. Done. All it took was multiple cups of coffee, soup, water, etc... and people to keep me on track (ie, Barb, what are you doing? Are you blogging? You're not? You're on Relavant.com? Is that what your goal for the day was? etc etc etc)

This post is dedicated to Black Dog. I love you guys...

Choices pt 3

One year later, my life circled back around on my choice I made last fall.

I had to answer for it again this week.

How many times in the course of this year
have I had to make the tiny decisions
that led back to this?

But I had to choose if it was what I really wanted. My Question, back in full force. Did I want to stake my future on this? Did I want to continue down this path? Did I want to trust where I felt I'd been led?

I decided I did.

So I took that next step,
shaky at first,
a little awkward.

Is this what I really want? I ask myself to be sure.

It is.

It still is.

Well, That's One Way to Open The Door

I've had several very good, very necessary conversations in the past 5 days. Some with the people closest to me and some with strangers. A good decision on Saturday night gave me the great fortune of meeting a whole room full of people I didn't know, and those interactions led to one of the greatest opportunities for growth to come my way (more on that in following blogs...) All it took was that step out on faith. It took opening up and admitting some flaws and a desire to grow.

That's the power of vulnerability.

I watched a Ted Talk on that today by Brene Brown. I posted it to my facebook, but I'll post it Here as well. She's quite well known for her talks on human connection and vulnerability and I cannot fathom how I hadn't seen her Ted Talk previously except by the fact that I am pop culturally illiterate (to my roommate's ongoing exasperation).

By nature, I am a friendly, outgoing person. Today at the gym I made two new friends, Andrew and Hillary. Case in point, I was sitting in the hot tub at 24 hour fitness at the end of my workout and with me were two other gentlemen, one elderly and one a bit younger than me. None of us were engaged in conversation or listening to headphones or otherwise entertained at the moment. It struck me strange that we three human beings in this small confined space acted like none of the other two were even in the same room. The elderly gentleman was staring straight ahead, the younger man was looking at his phone and I had been letting my mind wander. Then the older man left and it was just me and the other young man. I began the conversation and we wound up conversing for the better part of 20 minutes. Andrew works downtown and lives in KCK. I go to church in KCK, I said. We talked church. We talked about house hunting since I am looking to move. We parted by sharing names and shaking hands and told each other not to be a stranger next time we see each other at the gym.

Hillary was standing in front of my locker. I excused myself to move behind her, she commented on my swimsuit and towel and asked about the pool. Thus another 20 minute conversation ensued about Crossfit and working out and life. She lives close by the gym and had only been attending for a month. She's a para for the Shawnee Mission School District. She loves her job but it's very demanding...

The power of opening up.

My small group addressed such things last night as we met to share life and eat pie.

Sometimes it's difficult to open up. Sometimes it's the most difficult with people we know and love the best. A had a good if not slightly heartbreaking conversation with my good friend this past Sunday. I had a heart to heart with my sister. She's worried I'm unhappy and lonely. I had a heart to heart with my roommate last night, defining and redefining our friendship and foundation. Making sure we were still on the same page. . .

All these conversations, deep down inside, I did not want to have. They are difficult to begin because it takes vulnerability. It is taking the chance of being rejected. It's possibly saying the wrong thing. It's the possibility that the conversation might not go the way you think it should and painful realizations can come to light. But true connection is dependent upon this. You cannot connect deeply if you are numb or putting up a facade or "playing the game". I tried. It takes far too much effort and I constantly felt like a fraud.

It takes courage. Trust. Time.

One Year Later

Last October I blogged a lot about change. I blogged about choices and forks and My Question and now I suppose I'm in a time of reflection because in a lot of ways, I am a different person, but in some ways, I'm still caught in the same snare. Did I make the right choice?

In the post I wrote exactly one year and one day ago from today... I thought I answered that Question. And I did as well as I could. But did I answer it correctly?

I expected one thing and I got another and my resulting life now does not look a thing like I thought it would this time last year. If you would've told me what the end result would be of those choices last fall... what I'd be doing now... where I'd be now and. . .  well.

Would I have made the same choice? Not the choice of my marriage... I think that speaks for itself in its final resolution. I'm speaking of the direction I took, the leap off the cliff, so to speak. The wild abandon, throwing caution to the wind, starting completely anew.

I have blogged quite a lot about God's provision for me this past year. That I definitely did not always make the right choices, but I still found myself in good places. What I pursued did not work out as I had planned, but He still worked all things out. . . ah, grace. I hope I never take it for granted.

I realize I just have to let go of expectations... but that's hard. So I'm not where I wanted to be? So I still struggle with direction and boundaries and a feeling of incompleteness? So what that the greatest curse in my life is also my greatest blessing? That the hardest things turn out the most rewarding? That self control is above and beyond my greatest weakness and it's exactly what God is using this period of time in my life to strengthen?

Yes. This past year did not turn out the way I thought it should. But. That fork? That Question? I made my choice and it has led to the unexpected, sometimes perilous, beautiful unfolding of my life and praise God for that. Now, just please give me the strength to continue on. . .

The Choices We Make

It's 11am and
I am one step, just
One step away from a really
really
really bad
decision.

You know,
the kind of decision you need to make
and your hands are shaking
and you feel
slightly
nauseous.

The kind of choice
that one false move
will probably
change my life.
No, not probably,
it will
and it will probably
not change for
the better
(no matter how I fool myself
otherwise).

That door is left ajar,
there's that old fork in the road
(you know exactly which one).
Questions are raised,
and I have a choice.
And my words are caught in my chest.
And my heart is pounding.

Then there's the choice, oh Lord,
What to say? What to do?

Life, you are a hard thing lately.
Exhilarating and Devastating,
and you know it.

But it's the choices we make
that define us.

And, Lord help me,
I choose to keep my mouth shut
and stay put
and I don't (I refuse to)
open that
door. . .





(no matter how much I really want to. . . )

Better than the last

My life always changes when you come,
October.
I cannot think of a single year where
my life didn't grow
or fall a part
under your guidance.

The weather changes
so I do too,
and what I want and
what I look foward to
and my hopes and dreams.

October, I love you
and hate you
because you take away
the things that I have been
comfortable with
(whether they were good or not)
and you bring things
and people
that challenge me
and stretch me
and grow me.

How can life be so good and so difficult,
so rewarding yet challenging,
so peaceful and tumultuous
at the same time?

Thank you, God,
for the constants you have given me.
Thank you for your son
and my parents
and my best friends.

And I will keep right on following along,
step by step,
as each stone before me is revealed,
believing that no matter how exquisite
or difficult life is,
each day
will still be
better
than the last.

The End of Searching in the Third

It started raining on her way home. Not much, just a little, but she could smell it in the air as she drove down the highway (her windows were cracked a bit). It smelled good, refreshing, and she thought about the small house she had just left and the warmth and the couples still inside. Her stomach was full of food, her spirit filled with good conversation and love (such love!) that she didn't even mind that she was going home to an empty apartment. Normally, she minded very much but tonight was the perfect ending of a perfect day. She couldn't ask for anything more.

Sitting on the couch, reconnecting with an old friend, talking about life and love. Connecting with family, getting poured into. Sharing a meal and an evening with friends. Being encouraged.

Oh, you need a car, well, we have a car for sale. Oh you want to take family photographs? We know lots of families who want their picture taken! Will you join us for bible study? We can move it closer to you so you can make it every week.

It was the "clink" of everything falling in place. It was her friend looking at her and telling her he'd never seen her so at peace. It's the expectant hope, the patient awe. It's watching a rare flower bloom for the first time.

She didn't know how or why, but that empty feeling was gone. The sense of feeling incomplete had vanished. That hole in her heart was missing. Something steady had taken its place. Something affirming, solid, filling, whole.

She realized as she pulled in the parking lot of her apartment what it was.

It was the path. It was all the little things and all the people in her life coming together and directing her to this one road. Everything and Everyone resounding with directions and affirmations and voices crying a vivacious YES! If she'd ever asked for confirmation in her young life, this was it. Everything led here. This apartment. These friends. This choice. This direction. Even the terrible choices she had made had still led her to this place.

She didn't know exactly what the future held but for once, she didn't need to know. She'd gotten on the ride. She'd begun the journey. For the first time in years, she firmly believed she was where she was meant to be and had finally begun doing what she was meant to do. Casting the old things aside. Taking that plunge. For all her toiling, she'd finally staggered to the starting line of her life and the gun was about to go off.

Just in the nick of time.

This is It. The New Beginning.

Every day the past seven days, I've awoken after 8am. I've played Halo. I've made breakfast. I've had breakfast made for me. I've heard Tim Timmon's song Christ In Me played for me on the guitar at least three dozen times. I've stayed up until 2am. I've researched men's fashion. I've watched movies and played board games and juiced and gone to the Farmer's Market.

I have not clocked in at work since last Thursday.

For personal reasons, I've taken a leave. I haven't quit. It's complicated and it's been a long time coming.

The first couple days, I alternated between feeling wildly, deliciously free to feeling absolutely nauseous. What about bills? What about money? What about my reputation and future and what will people think of me and........

This seed was planted months ago and now it's time to bring it into the sunshine.

I'm done doubting and playing it safe. I'm done playing the game.

It is October.

It is a time to start over.

It is time to start living my life. I mean, for real.

Taking that plunge I've been talking about and alluding to for the past few months.

I'm getting a part time job or maybe a full time job but only m-f daytimes... I'm leaving nights and weekends open for photography.

I signed up for Perfect Wedding Guide. I made a promo video. I sent out en email with a Free Engagement Session Promo yesterday.

Today, I've booked three photo shoots and set up consultations with four brides.

Door after door is opening before me. Fears and doubts and disbeliefs are dropping aside. That nauseous feeling is gone. In it's place is genuine relief and wonder.

Sometimes the most horrible circumstances and changes in life can be used for good.

It is October and a new chapter has begun.

No More, No Less

Yep. This pretty much about sums up my life right now...

I'm not trying to hide anything
I wear it on my sleeve.
I'm not trying to be something I'm not
This is all I've got.
I'm not trying to re-invent the wheel
Just trying to be real.
I'm not trying to say follow me
I'm not the one who leads.

Let me introduce myself to you
This is who I am
No more, no less.
I am just a man who understands
Because of You I'm blessed
No more, no less.
...
Beyond all the things you may think you know
I'm just a kid trying to make it home, that's it.
No more, no less.

-MercyMe "No More No Less"