Home

So I'm home.

This house in Olathe, a city I swore i'd never come back to

But here I am.

God has me here.
There is a purpose here.

This house.
These friends.
This life.
Oh Lord.

I am so grateful.
But this old future of mine...

Let go. Trust.
Howlongareyoustaying?
Whatareyourdoingwhenyoumoveout?
Thisisgoodfornowbutwhatsnext?
The questions are already coming.

Lord knows.

No really, He's the only one who knows.
I'm just on the ride...

I am No Longer Homeless

I woke up this morning,
late,
recovering from Christmas,
sat on the couch,
opened my macbook and
suddenly, one Ping of my phone,
one little text, and
we're packing tomorrow
and moving on Sunday.

Just. Like That.

All those questions and
wonderings
and uncertainty
now have an answer
and my life now has
some stability.

I opened my computer and
looked at my bank account
and with the click clack of keys,
my bills were paid.
I caught up on all
my past-dues and
silenced my bill collectors and
now can start tackling my big debt.
One by one.

Now to start paying back what I owe.
Now to start saving.
Now to start building my life.

New home.
New budget.
New adventure.

I was so afraid
that I would lose
this love
and stability I'd found.

Who knew
with this change
I'd just be
adding more?

What I Got For Christmas

For Christmas I got a pocket knife,
a croc pot,
an android 7" tablet
and an 8 cup stove top espresso maker.

I got to play Christmas Carols on the guitar at 11pm
Christmas Eve.

I got
to see my brothers and sister and
I got prime rib and
Australia.

For Christmas
I got reminded to read my bible and pray
and I received a peace
my heart had been longing for.

Then I got to work 8 hours overnight
and get paid time and a half
for 2 of them.

I got cookies and milk at 2 AM.

I got to come home
and sleep for
2 hours
and then I got
espresso made with the
aforementioned
stovetop espresso maker
by my roommate who also made breakfast.

I got some solid ground
and some cherry pie and
turkey left overs for
day-after-Christmas-Lunch.

For day-after-Christmas I got Miranda and Phil and James
and game night a la Settlers of Catan
and pizza and ZZ Ward and a
reaffirming evening
built on the foundation of companionship
and love
and solidarity that time cannot alter.

I got affirmation.
I got trust.
I got delighted in.

I was reminded that I long to devote myself to someone
and that I should never
settle
no matter how afraid
or lonely
my heart gets.

I was reminded that I am loved.

I am loved.

Loved.

Thank you, Lord.

Following

Let go.

Oh, Lord.

I got on this ride, 

now I need to stop trying to dictate where 

it is taking me. 

I knew this was an adventure when I got on

so why am I trying to 

control and plan?

I need to let go of this iron 

grip I keep thinking

I've already let go of 

on my future

and I need to trust God to open

the right doors and I need to trust

the people He's given me

to give me wise counsel. 

Just wait,

he says. 

Have patience. 

Oh, this crazy ride.

3 weeks to be out and clean and ready to go. 

Where are we

(where am I)

going?

I want to make my plans

and dictate my life

(my life!)

because I feel like I'm being blown about,

a ship lost at sea...

following, blindly

do i trust?

I keep being led back here,

right back to this path.

I made this choice last fall.

I reclaimed it this past October

and I cannot leave it now. 

Be calm,

He says. 

I've got this. 

Okay. 

Take a deep breath. 

Do I trust him?

Do I trust Him?

It really doesn't make any sense to me,
it flies in the face of
convention
and culture
but...

Every time I try to do things
"right"
it seems to blow up in my face.

Oh, Lord. 

So here (I) 

go.

Change

They sat there. The clock ticked on. Tick. Tick. He sat on the bench the held the yoga mats, she on the arm of the couch. They stared at each other.

Tick

Tick.

$699.00

Almost $700 to stay in their apartment. Over $200 than what they were paying currently.

"We can't do this," he said.

She nodded.

"We need to tell them," he said.

She agreed.

So they went to the club house and turned in the paper that canceled their lease and then they walked back to the apartment. Sat down. Stared at each other.

"What do we do?" She asked. "We have two weeks..."

"Two weeks," he agreed, "to be out of here so we can clean this place."

She gave him a skeptical look.

"Hope you asked off the second week of January. We'll need it."

Homeless. The word stared at them in the face. Not really. Not entirely. They both had options. Not perfect options, but places to lay their heads nonetheless.

"Homeless," she told her friend after her Focus group that night. They were gathered around beers at the nearest bar/grill. Five of them. Some of her closest friends. She loved them.

"I know of a place"
"I have a place"
"I rent a place"

They all chimed in.
She was not so much homeless it seemed but simply displaced. Was she ready for this Next Big Change? Can she handle it? She longs for stability but she's come to appreciate change in a way. But she knows she needs to keep a keen eye to what she wants.

Conversations cont.

"I'm really looking forward to this year being over. 2013 was a mess. 2014 is going to be so much better."

"Really, you think so? A mess?" His voice is thoughtful. "I guess you're right. There were lots of high points, but then lots of low points. A mess is a pretty good word for this past year."

"Yeah," she continues, "lots of highs and lows and not a lot of inbetweens."

It's late again. They had nearly gone to bed but then hadn't. It is chilly in the room and she wishes she'd brought in the space heater. She's wearing a military grade puffy jacket she refers to as a marshmallow coat so only her toes are truly suffering. He's flopped face down again, his stomach soaking up the warmth of his electric blanket.

"What would you say is a high for you this past year?" he asks. It's a good question. Surprisingly, for all her life processing lately, she hadn't taken the time to think about the things that went well this past year-- only the things she would change. She takes a moment to think about it. Nothing is immediately coming to mind.

"Getting back in to church," she finally says. "Getting involved in my church, getting involved with my small group. Making a group of new friends." She pauses, letting her mind wander over the battlefield of this past 12 months. "Moving in here," she says after some time. "I don't know if I ever thanked you for letting me invade your space. But that was life changing for me."

"You're welcome," he says simply. She thinks about where she was before moving into this apartment. She thought back on the loneliness and the emptiness and the deep ache within her the first 6 months of this past year. She thought about returning from Focus last month, walking into the apartment after being gone 5 days and him asking her if she was happy to be home and how that one simple word _home_ had startled her, nearly brought her to tears. How safe she had felt.

There's a comfortable silence. She can hear the wind outside the single pained windows.

"Becoming friends with your sister," she says suddenly, breaking the stillness, startling even herself. "Really, that was incredibly good for me too." As she speaks the words, the weight of their truth press into her heart and it makes her feel grateful and a bit foolish.

"Oh yeah?" He's intrigued. "How so?"

She shrugs though she know he can't see her in the dim light. It's hard to articulate how a 31 year old woman can be so altered by an 18 year old. It's not something she would easily be able to explain to anybody else. She trusts he can understand.

"Companionship," she says. "Like today, even. I didn't want to drive out to my old job by myself to turn in my work shirts. I didn't want to face my old manager alone so I called her up and she came with me. If I want to go see a movie, I know I can give her a call."

But it's more than that.

"It's also just unselfishness. It's living for something beyond myself. It's reaching out to someone else."

There's so much more to say, but she doesn't. She can't quite wrap her mind around it herself. She gives up trying.

"My trip to Colorado with Mom," she adds. "Climbing that mountain with Stephanie and George. Seeing my family. That was all really good."

"Yeah, I saw Stephanie when I was out there," he says. "That trip was a highlight for me."

Ah yes. She turns the question back around on him, "And what were the highs of your 2013?"

She listens as he proceeds through the same process, thinking of the highlights of his past year. Graduating Officer school, getting this apartment, his trip out to California, finally quitting his retail job to pursue his passions.

"I just need to write a book about my past year," he finishes. "There's so much change. So much I liked but so much I'd do differently."

"Oh yeah?"

"Yeah."

"Like what?" He has to have known she'd ask.

"Well, what would you do differently?" He turns his head to look at her. She smiles ruefully.

"Too much to say." It's the truth.

"See, I have a hard time with that question, though. Because you don't know what you don't know. Every decision I made led me here. Who knows if I wouldn't be where I am today if I'd chosen different things?"

Deep.

"True," she says. "But I definitely have some things I would've done differently. I wish I hadn't sold all my photography equipment to move out of my Shawnee house and pay that ridiculous deposit on that apartment last Spring. I wish I hadn't sold my desktop computer.

She's on a roll now, this is more familiar territory and it feels cleansing to speak these words out loud.

"And I would change lots and lots of stupid things I did, dumb little decisions I made, people I spent my time with, dates I went on, all the money I wasted." She shakes her head again, thinking back on it all.

"Sure, but all those things you had to go through. You needed to work through them to come out on the other side." He was too generous sometimes with her mistakes.

"You're probably right," she acquiesces. "I mean, even getting my car totaled and that whole mess last fall gave me a break from work, gave me a couple months to refocus on my photography business, gave me a chance to re energize myself."

"See, there you go."

They lapse back in to silence. She appreciates that he is like her and they are the kind of people who relentlessly drive for positive change in their lives. He will prod her to take a hard look at herself and re calibrate if necessary. She will turn around and make him do the same. Proverbs 27 comes to her mind... As iron sharpens iron so one person sharpens another...

She also appreciates this small time provided to dwell on the positives that have come out of this past year. For all her stumbling and falls and false starts, it's good to remember the blessings as well. It's good to remember that life keeps moving on and that she doesn't have to make the same mistakes and that hopefully this time next year, she won't have to struggle to remember the highs. And maybe the lows won't be as low. And maybe she can look back on 2013 as the defining year where the rest of her life truly began...

She looks down at him. He has nearly fallen asleep during her musings. She pokes him in the side with her toe.

"Time for bed," she says.

"I agree," His voice is faint. "I might fall asleep right here. Just like this."

She gets up, knees cracking, makes her way to her bed. Enough conversations for this night. The neighbors upstairs are fighting. She looks at the clock. It is 12:15. Better than the 1:30am the night before. She's looking forward to a house. A savings account. A routine. She's genuinely looking forward to the coming new year.

Everything Changes. And she's expecting it to change for the better.

Ready

"I was thinking," she started, "about this year. About where I've been and where I want to go. About what I want. I've had a lot of time to think lately at work. Lots of zoning."

"Oh?" He asked, his voice muffled. "And what do you want?"

She considered this.

"I want to get rid of my debt. I want to move into a good place. I want to build my photography business. I want to save some money." She nods to herself as she says this. These are the thoughts she'd been having. Those were the building blocks she had been mulling over in her head as the foundations that will create her future.

"Sounds like you're ready to settle down," he says.

She wants to immediately discount this statement. Settling is something she doesn't want. But then...

"I'm tired of running," she finally says. The clock ticks loudly in the quiet room. It's past midnight-- far too late to be up. They're talking. They always talk. He's laying on his stomach on his bed. She is sitting next to him. They had just watched a movie and neither was ready to sleep just yet. "I guess I'm ready to become who I was." This sounds odd to her. His silence prods her to explain. "My dad told me the other day, he said that I used to be such a relentless girl. I pursued whatever was in front of me with a passion that nothing could deter. I would set my mind to something and go after it with my whole heart and I wouldn't give up until I accomplished it."

The thought made her sad. She knew it was the truth. Somewhere along the way.. somewhere in her marriage, she had let herself be broken. She had given up on her own dreams and had followed another's. She had lost a big chunk of herself and she was only just now regaining that lost foothold. Over a year later and she was still rediscovering who she really was. What she wanted. Where she was going.

"I'm ready to get that back."

There was a finality in her words.


The next morning, her soul felt less troubled. There was peace in her spirit and something confining had continued to lift from her shoulders. It wasn't gone completely just yet, but it was enough. She took a deep breath. The air was stinging cold. The early sun was pale and gray behind the clouds.

I'm ready, she said to herself. Bring it on.

House Hunting is Exhausting

Things are changing again. I've been researching houses. Today we looked at three. Three. And it was exhausting. The entire process is incredibly tiring. I've lived in some crazy places. It has shown me what I'm willing to negotiate on. I told James the other day my only non-negotiables was a linen closet and a gas stove. That's not entirely true, though. If we're going to be paying an extra $150 each a month (most likely) then we'd better be getting something good out of the deal. A garage. A yard. A basement. A bigger kitchen. Better windows. More space. More peace of mind.

I liken finding the right house to finding the right significant other. I have my own list of non-negotiables. If I'm giving my heart over to someone else, then I'd better be getting something good out of the deal. A man who loves the Lord and wants to be involved in a church with me. A man who treats me right. Has a job. Has purpose and direction. Has a peace-loving mind and a steady heart and warm conviction. A man who wants a family.

I have to hope I can find these things both in a place to live and someone to live my life with. Lately I've only been concentrating on the house and that in itself is a time consuming and frustrating experience. I think I'll leave the second half of the above blog up to No Accidents and call it good. I know it's a pretty tall order but I have faith it'll all work out in the end...

Christmas time

Christmas lights up,
dinner made,
wine poured,
pick that guitar up,
Barenaked Ladies's God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen
played
sing along
it's Christmas.

Favorite Christmas Movie and
Go!
White Christmas
It's a Wonderful Life
Rudolph
Favorite Christmas song and
Go!
Joy to the World and
Have yourself a merry and
Santa Baby.
plenty of time to watch them all,
listen to them all,
play them all,
hey, let's plan a
Christmas Party because

It's Christmas time.
First Christmas time in a
long time
I'm
happy.

I Understand the Future

Oh, geeze. What can I even say about this past month?

I'm back at Target. Lots of things influenced my decision to return. Lots of things. It was a difficult and humbling experience. But I love being back. I didn't realize how much of a family I'd made there. More on that later.

James and I are looking to rent a house. He wants to live in KCK because he wants Google Fiber. I want a house because I want to have people over and not worry about being noisy at 1am. I want to have a firebowl in my back yard when it's nice. I want to play the guitar and the djimbe at midnight. I want a garden.

My roommate is obsessed with Some Nights. It's a veritable flashback almost every night in this apartment. But I've given up on going out to Westport. My last late night adventure was 3 weeks ago and that will be the last for a very, very long while.

I feel like I've grown up more in the past 4 weeks than the past 10 years.

I'm not afraid to be home by myself anymore.

I know what I want now.

I have a purpose and a plan.

I have direction.





I understand.

There are no accidents.



What a powerful phrase.

Flip a coin

The below was sent to me in an email this morning:

Struggling with a decision? Can't analyze it enough ... need proof before deciding? ... need to talk it out (again)? need advice from friends...family...coworkers...clergy, need opinions, a sign from God maybe ??? ... I'm calling b.s. ... flip a coin. Yep ... I said take that stress ridden, anxiety filled, life hindering choice you've been chewing on so long your friends and family want to shake you ... and FLIP A COIN ... because I GUARANTEE you ... the minute that coin goes airborne ... YOU KNOW EXACTLY WHAT YOU WANT ...


Amen to that.

What Do They Say About Great Minds?

Conversation in the apartment around 2am last night (this morning?) Cracks me up. This is when you know...

Me: [picking up large, blank canvas] You should give me this canvas as my birthday present.

Roommate: I already have plans for that canvas and your birthday present.

Me: You should just give it to me for my birthday. Then I'll paint something on it and give it to you for your Christmas present.

Roommate considers this...

Roommate: You should give it to me as an early Christmas present because then I'll frame it and then I'll give it to you as your Christmas present.

Deal.

Just Get Rid of It

On the way home last night, I listened to Fun. It was a CD I listened to extensively last fall, especially when going out to Westport. Funny, driving back home, listening to Some Nights, I had a huge, huge temptation for a Gyro. Not just any gyro. One from the food truck in Westport. It was the truck to hit up outside The Union at 2:30am, hoards of people milling about, joking around, making out. It was the food to sober you up enough to make it home. And it was so tasty.

The temptation was nearly overwhelming. It brought back all the memories of all those nights and weekends and how much fun they were. I thought about how much time I spent there, hanging out with my friends and their friends's friends...

And then I thought about why I gave up that lifestyle. How I realized how hollow it was. How I wanted something better.

I confessed this to James when I got home.

"I really wanted to go to Westport and get a gyro," I said.

"Why?" he asked.

"I was listening to Fun." I said.

"I figured as much," he said. "You really just need to get rid of that CD."

"Yeah," I sighed.

"You gave up that life," he continued.

"Yeah," I said again.

I took it out of my CD player this morning on my way to work. The bible says to flee from temptation and that's probably pretty good advice (I mean, it is the bible and all...).

I'm still learning to just get rid of everything that ties me back to the painful parts of my past. Let go. Give it up. Move on. Even when I think I've made up my mind on these things, there's the little devil on my shoulder, egging me on.

Once again, I thank God for these people he's given me in my life to keep me on track, to watch my back. Even in the small things. . . especially in the small things... in everything. Thank you, God.

I Need More of These Days

By that I mean, I need more productive days. Yesterday was a slacker day. Today was a productive day. I took the below photo while sitting at Black Dog Coffee House (one of the best in the city, in my opinion). I got photos edited and blogs written and pictures posted and apps downloaded and research done and house hunting accomplished... all within 4 hours. Bam. Done. All it took was multiple cups of coffee, soup, water, etc... and people to keep me on track (ie, Barb, what are you doing? Are you blogging? You're not? You're on Relavant.com? Is that what your goal for the day was? etc etc etc)

This post is dedicated to Black Dog. I love you guys...

Choices pt 3

One year later, my life circled back around on my choice I made last fall.

I had to answer for it again this week.

How many times in the course of this year
have I had to make the tiny decisions
that led back to this?

But I had to choose if it was what I really wanted. My Question, back in full force. Did I want to stake my future on this? Did I want to continue down this path? Did I want to trust where I felt I'd been led?

I decided I did.

So I took that next step,
shaky at first,
a little awkward.

Is this what I really want? I ask myself to be sure.

It is.

It still is.

Well, That's One Way to Open The Door

I've had several very good, very necessary conversations in the past 5 days. Some with the people closest to me and some with strangers. A good decision on Saturday night gave me the great fortune of meeting a whole room full of people I didn't know, and those interactions led to one of the greatest opportunities for growth to come my way (more on that in following blogs...) All it took was that step out on faith. It took opening up and admitting some flaws and a desire to grow.

That's the power of vulnerability.

I watched a Ted Talk on that today by Brene Brown. I posted it to my facebook, but I'll post it Here as well. She's quite well known for her talks on human connection and vulnerability and I cannot fathom how I hadn't seen her Ted Talk previously except by the fact that I am pop culturally illiterate (to my roommate's ongoing exasperation).

By nature, I am a friendly, outgoing person. Today at the gym I made two new friends, Andrew and Hillary. Case in point, I was sitting in the hot tub at 24 hour fitness at the end of my workout and with me were two other gentlemen, one elderly and one a bit younger than me. None of us were engaged in conversation or listening to headphones or otherwise entertained at the moment. It struck me strange that we three human beings in this small confined space acted like none of the other two were even in the same room. The elderly gentleman was staring straight ahead, the younger man was looking at his phone and I had been letting my mind wander. Then the older man left and it was just me and the other young man. I began the conversation and we wound up conversing for the better part of 20 minutes. Andrew works downtown and lives in KCK. I go to church in KCK, I said. We talked church. We talked about house hunting since I am looking to move. We parted by sharing names and shaking hands and told each other not to be a stranger next time we see each other at the gym.

Hillary was standing in front of my locker. I excused myself to move behind her, she commented on my swimsuit and towel and asked about the pool. Thus another 20 minute conversation ensued about Crossfit and working out and life. She lives close by the gym and had only been attending for a month. She's a para for the Shawnee Mission School District. She loves her job but it's very demanding...

The power of opening up.

My small group addressed such things last night as we met to share life and eat pie.

Sometimes it's difficult to open up. Sometimes it's the most difficult with people we know and love the best. A had a good if not slightly heartbreaking conversation with my good friend this past Sunday. I had a heart to heart with my sister. She's worried I'm unhappy and lonely. I had a heart to heart with my roommate last night, defining and redefining our friendship and foundation. Making sure we were still on the same page. . .

All these conversations, deep down inside, I did not want to have. They are difficult to begin because it takes vulnerability. It is taking the chance of being rejected. It's possibly saying the wrong thing. It's the possibility that the conversation might not go the way you think it should and painful realizations can come to light. But true connection is dependent upon this. You cannot connect deeply if you are numb or putting up a facade or "playing the game". I tried. It takes far too much effort and I constantly felt like a fraud.

It takes courage. Trust. Time.

One Year Later

Last October I blogged a lot about change. I blogged about choices and forks and My Question and now I suppose I'm in a time of reflection because in a lot of ways, I am a different person, but in some ways, I'm still caught in the same snare. Did I make the right choice?

In the post I wrote exactly one year and one day ago from today... I thought I answered that Question. And I did as well as I could. But did I answer it correctly?

I expected one thing and I got another and my resulting life now does not look a thing like I thought it would this time last year. If you would've told me what the end result would be of those choices last fall... what I'd be doing now... where I'd be now and. . .  well.

Would I have made the same choice? Not the choice of my marriage... I think that speaks for itself in its final resolution. I'm speaking of the direction I took, the leap off the cliff, so to speak. The wild abandon, throwing caution to the wind, starting completely anew.

I have blogged quite a lot about God's provision for me this past year. That I definitely did not always make the right choices, but I still found myself in good places. What I pursued did not work out as I had planned, but He still worked all things out. . . ah, grace. I hope I never take it for granted.

I realize I just have to let go of expectations... but that's hard. So I'm not where I wanted to be? So I still struggle with direction and boundaries and a feeling of incompleteness? So what that the greatest curse in my life is also my greatest blessing? That the hardest things turn out the most rewarding? That self control is above and beyond my greatest weakness and it's exactly what God is using this period of time in my life to strengthen?

Yes. This past year did not turn out the way I thought it should. But. That fork? That Question? I made my choice and it has led to the unexpected, sometimes perilous, beautiful unfolding of my life and praise God for that. Now, just please give me the strength to continue on. . .

The Choices We Make

It's 11am and
I am one step, just
One step away from a really
really
really bad
decision.

You know,
the kind of decision you need to make
and your hands are shaking
and you feel
slightly
nauseous.

The kind of choice
that one false move
will probably
change my life.
No, not probably,
it will
and it will probably
not change for
the better
(no matter how I fool myself
otherwise).

That door is left ajar,
there's that old fork in the road
(you know exactly which one).
Questions are raised,
and I have a choice.
And my words are caught in my chest.
And my heart is pounding.

Then there's the choice, oh Lord,
What to say? What to do?

Life, you are a hard thing lately.
Exhilarating and Devastating,
and you know it.

But it's the choices we make
that define us.

And, Lord help me,
I choose to keep my mouth shut
and stay put
and I don't (I refuse to)
open that
door. . .





(no matter how much I really want to. . . )

Better than the last

My life always changes when you come,
October.
I cannot think of a single year where
my life didn't grow
or fall a part
under your guidance.

The weather changes
so I do too,
and what I want and
what I look foward to
and my hopes and dreams.

October, I love you
and hate you
because you take away
the things that I have been
comfortable with
(whether they were good or not)
and you bring things
and people
that challenge me
and stretch me
and grow me.

How can life be so good and so difficult,
so rewarding yet challenging,
so peaceful and tumultuous
at the same time?

Thank you, God,
for the constants you have given me.
Thank you for your son
and my parents
and my best friends.

And I will keep right on following along,
step by step,
as each stone before me is revealed,
believing that no matter how exquisite
or difficult life is,
each day
will still be
better
than the last.

The End of Searching in the Third

It started raining on her way home. Not much, just a little, but she could smell it in the air as she drove down the highway (her windows were cracked a bit). It smelled good, refreshing, and she thought about the small house she had just left and the warmth and the couples still inside. Her stomach was full of food, her spirit filled with good conversation and love (such love!) that she didn't even mind that she was going home to an empty apartment. Normally, she minded very much but tonight was the perfect ending of a perfect day. She couldn't ask for anything more.

Sitting on the couch, reconnecting with an old friend, talking about life and love. Connecting with family, getting poured into. Sharing a meal and an evening with friends. Being encouraged.

Oh, you need a car, well, we have a car for sale. Oh you want to take family photographs? We know lots of families who want their picture taken! Will you join us for bible study? We can move it closer to you so you can make it every week.

It was the "clink" of everything falling in place. It was her friend looking at her and telling her he'd never seen her so at peace. It's the expectant hope, the patient awe. It's watching a rare flower bloom for the first time.

She didn't know how or why, but that empty feeling was gone. The sense of feeling incomplete had vanished. That hole in her heart was missing. Something steady had taken its place. Something affirming, solid, filling, whole.

She realized as she pulled in the parking lot of her apartment what it was.

It was the path. It was all the little things and all the people in her life coming together and directing her to this one road. Everything and Everyone resounding with directions and affirmations and voices crying a vivacious YES! If she'd ever asked for confirmation in her young life, this was it. Everything led here. This apartment. These friends. This choice. This direction. Even the terrible choices she had made had still led her to this place.

She didn't know exactly what the future held but for once, she didn't need to know. She'd gotten on the ride. She'd begun the journey. For the first time in years, she firmly believed she was where she was meant to be and had finally begun doing what she was meant to do. Casting the old things aside. Taking that plunge. For all her toiling, she'd finally staggered to the starting line of her life and the gun was about to go off.

Just in the nick of time.

This is It. The New Beginning.

Every day the past seven days, I've awoken after 8am. I've played Halo. I've made breakfast. I've had breakfast made for me. I've heard Tim Timmon's song Christ In Me played for me on the guitar at least three dozen times. I've stayed up until 2am. I've researched men's fashion. I've watched movies and played board games and juiced and gone to the Farmer's Market.

I have not clocked in at work since last Thursday.

For personal reasons, I've taken a leave. I haven't quit. It's complicated and it's been a long time coming.

The first couple days, I alternated between feeling wildly, deliciously free to feeling absolutely nauseous. What about bills? What about money? What about my reputation and future and what will people think of me and........

This seed was planted months ago and now it's time to bring it into the sunshine.

I'm done doubting and playing it safe. I'm done playing the game.

It is October.

It is a time to start over.

It is time to start living my life. I mean, for real.

Taking that plunge I've been talking about and alluding to for the past few months.

I'm getting a part time job or maybe a full time job but only m-f daytimes... I'm leaving nights and weekends open for photography.

I signed up for Perfect Wedding Guide. I made a promo video. I sent out en email with a Free Engagement Session Promo yesterday.

Today, I've booked three photo shoots and set up consultations with four brides.

Door after door is opening before me. Fears and doubts and disbeliefs are dropping aside. That nauseous feeling is gone. In it's place is genuine relief and wonder.

Sometimes the most horrible circumstances and changes in life can be used for good.

It is October and a new chapter has begun.

No More, No Less

Yep. This pretty much about sums up my life right now...

I'm not trying to hide anything
I wear it on my sleeve.
I'm not trying to be something I'm not
This is all I've got.
I'm not trying to re-invent the wheel
Just trying to be real.
I'm not trying to say follow me
I'm not the one who leads.

Let me introduce myself to you
This is who I am
No more, no less.
I am just a man who understands
Because of You I'm blessed
No more, no less.
...
Beyond all the things you may think you know
I'm just a kid trying to make it home, that's it.
No more, no less.

-MercyMe "No More No Less"

Dear Brother

Sometimes in life, things happen that you simply cannot talk about.

There really are no words. And how you deal with them has no voice.

All I can say is, Brother, we failed them. I'd say it was mostly you and your Jack Kerouakian attitude towards life but I know that's not true. I know it wasn't just you. I had the ability to influence as much as you. But the events of this weekend has led me to no choice but to say it so simply. And I know it wasn't just us. I know there was so much else at stake but we failed (I failed) to recognize. You opened those doors to let the darkness in and it has overtaken. I did not stand in the way. When you were gone, I still did nothing to staunch the flood. I did not think I had the power. I did not think then that I had the influence. I was miles and miles away and I chose that life.

And now look at this mess of our family.

Brother, I wish things had worked out differently. For you. For them.

God knows I expected them to join you eventually. I must say at least this is better. You would agree, I'm sure. We are alive. We are here to suffer the consequences. God, I hope we learn from them. Put in a good word for us up there.

-Your big sister

Following the Prompts (Or the Rhythm of life)

Here we go. Yet another blog post as I sit here on this Wednesday morning and marvel at my life. I ate breakfast. Drank coffee. I have a mini concert happening in my living room (Switchfoot and Chris Tomlin this morning...) I'm getting ready to go to the gym. I have the entire day stretched before me, a blank canvas ready to be filled with another day's glorious life...

Life. Mine has finally settled into a rhythm. Last night, I added a new component to my weekly schedule-- I joined a small group with the church I've been going to. I'd committed to going two weeks ago, but last night was the first night I was able to go. And honestly, when I got home from work, I was exhausted and questioning my resolve to leave the house for the evening. I wanted to juice. I wanted to clean. I wanted to stay home and watch a movie and maybe go to bed early (I haven't gotten to bed before 1am in a week... the consequences of living with someone who loves to talk as much as I do...)

But I really knew those weren't options. Something inside me was screaming at me to go. How many conversations lately have I had that started with "I need to make new friends..." How many blogs have I written about wanting to be connected and wanting to find my purpose... etc.

There's something about simple obedience.

The small group was over at 9 and I stayed until almost 11. It felt so... right. I drove home after, marveling at God and His way of working things. I arrived at home, my mind clear and full at the same time. I was brimming with thoughts and ideas and I stayed up talking until almost 2am...

And it was worth it.

Following those prompts, enriching yourself with the Good, surrounding yourself with like-minded people and being filled with truth and love... that is always worth it.

It's painful to die every day, to kill off those old desires and connections because there's always the fear of the emptiness left behind. I'm thankful to be in a protected place. I'm thankful that God is laying my path before my feet. I'm glad that He is leading me, because I don't yet trust myself with anything but the simplest of decisions. Small group? Yes. Sunday night jam session? Yes. Anything else, I'm still flying blind.

I'm grateful for the rhythm that my life has fallen into. I'm glad for a constant. I'm glad that solid ground that had been so long missing. I'm glad that all things work together for my good (eventually, even if it's sometimes painful at first). I'm glad for the empty grave.

Firebowl and Fall

Hoodie, you smell
like the firebowl
I sat around tonight,
a runner up for
what I really wanted
and that
was camping.

You were a good second
choice,
better than sitting
home
and being productive
(it is a Friday night).

Fall, you are here
mostly,
almost entirely,
so this is my first ode to you
and all those
memories you
conjure up,
the painful ones
and the good ones which now
are also painful.

I need to create memories,
good memories,
to replace those that
now point
back to what I can
never recapture
and that which I
never
wish to repeat.

In the Vein of being Heartbreakingly Honest

I am officially divorced.

And it breaks my heart.

Divorce in our culture is accepted.

It shouldn't be.

I feel like a failure.

I feel like a hypocrite.

I feel like I can no longer be used by God.

I feel like I am used goods. Damaged.

I know the above statements are untrue. Mostly.

I know God will create beauty from ashes in my life. I trust Him enough for that.

I've had incredible friends. Very supportive. And a great family.

Everyone was congratulating me yesterday. Yay! You got your name back! Yay! You can finally move on!

My sister and my roommate were the only ones who asked me if I was okay.

I told them I was.

It was a small lie.

I am a phoenix, I know. I was in a terrifyingly dark place and I've been brought out of that. I was directionless and without focus and in pain... and I am healing.

But I still need to take time to mourn this.

I can't just rush on like yesterday was No Big Deal.

I will continue to move forward and live a wonderful and exciting life, I know. And I am glad to be officially free. I'm ready to be used by God. I don't know how. But my heart is willing and I know He can work with that.

I Am

I am a storyteller. I am a world changer. I am strong and irreplaceable. It's high time I start acting like it.

I have begun to see the world differently. Something has changed. Something has settled. Something has opened up.

I live with endless possibilities. I live with a strange, rekindled passion. I live with frustration that I am not where I want to be. I live with hope that I will get there.

I asked myself, What do I Stand For? Last November, I could not tell you. That question was My Question. Along with Where Am I Going and What Do I Want.

But really, it all came down to

Why.

Why do I do the things I do? Why do I want the things I want? What do I want?

What do I want?!

What is my "why?"

Why am I here? Why do I exist? Why do I want the things I want? Why do I work so hard? What do I work for?

I believe in our story and The Story. I believe things in this world need to change. I believe in the hope of God. I believe His kingdom can come. I believe I can be a part of that.

I believe that so firmly in my soul that all other things seem but shadows and I am having a hard time devoting any part of myself to them.

I can be strong. I can be healthy. I can be connected. I can make a difference. I can bring beauty and life to a world that is dark and lost. I can help in the Big Story. I can be a part of something much larger than myself.

God is showing me how I can do that in small ways now, but I am not contented with the small ways. With great power comes great responsibility (Thank you, Spiderman). I have been given immense power in my talent and vitality and money and a life here in America and I cannot take these things lightly. I cannot squander them. I must use them. My very soul demands it. My spirit requires it. All else is worthless to me. My life without this is for naught.

I know this now as solidly as I have ever known anything in my life.

I cast all other hindrances aside.

the Plan has begun...

I've Decided

I've decided to start singing. For real, getting more serious about it. Maybe taking voice lessons when the money is there.

I've decided to get real about my photography.

And art. Painting, drawing, capturing, redefining.

I've decided to really get back into guitar playing. Getting better at rhythm. Learn some more chords. Learn the bass.

I really need to read more. I've been reading The Poisonwood Bible now for a month. I'm putting it down and beginning Inferno by Dan Brown.

I need to stop working so much. Only three weeks of this and it's good but exhausting. And I'm missing out on so much life going on around me. Maybe just another 6 weeks and I'll call it good. Three more paychecks.

I need to get past that wall in my head. The one that looks big and vast and impossible. I need to get on the other side. This has been a common conversation in the apartment for the past four days.... coming against that wall and pushing through it or climbing over it or knocking it down. Reveling in the open space of possibilities it leads to.

If that's powering through another month or two of 70+ hour work weeks, then so be it. If it's dedicating hours each day to my own pursuits, then it is what it is. If it's letting go of hindrances and distractions, I will do what it takes.

I'm not sure yet what is on the other side but my heart knows it's good. That instinctive part of my mind knows it is something to push for. That it's worth the present sacrifice.

The fullness of it all

Friends
around the firebowl
sitting with the neighbors upstairs
drinking their homemade wine
and 12-year scotch.

Working
every day, twice a day, twelve hours
come home with cash
in my pocket,
late summer wind in my hair.

Driving
it's 4am and I am riding
shotgun, feet up, laughing
car packed with my party dress
and dress blues.

Life
is busy, hectic, one job to the next
to home,
bed at midnight and up
again at 6.
Running
drawing
planning
scheming

The world is wide open
and oh so full.

I am Adventurous and you can Be so Too!

If you're my facebook friend, you know this already... seen the photos and video and saw it coming all along (although you may not have thought I'd go through with it). For those of you not my facebook friend, let me just tell you that I was in a hot air balloon for the first time this morning. And then I got strapped to a bungee cord and then I climbed over the basket, looked down, and jumped.

My head is still on that balloon, looking over the lush, green countryside. I feel the basket under my feet, grasping the bars, leaning back, being pushed off, closing my eyes and feeling the wind rush past me. Free Fall. Weightless. It was like being in water. Then the cord catches me and I feel the tension weighing me down, slowing my descent, and then weightless again, being flown back into the air, rising, rising, rising, falling. Being caught again and tossed back up. Falling, flailing. Then motionless, hanging, the balloon making it descent, bringing me to the ground rushing up to greet me, Hello!

The morning dew clinging to the grass and soaking in my shoes. The morning mist, clearing, burning away. My friends with their cameras out, picture taking, video taping. Then we trudged back to the car, 9:15am and on our way home because I have to work at 11 but first a quick stop at Panera in Topeka, we are so hungry.

I sit here on my couch, it is 9:30 at night. But I close my eyes and I am back again, sitting on the ledge of that basket, looking down. James and Cari and the world beneath me. The sky before me. My heart thumping in my chest ohmyGodicannotbelieveI'm... and I jump.

Home

It's the slight disarray. It's the camping gear dragged out into the dinning room and the bike with the flat tires next to the filing cabinet that's now mine next to two full bags of military gear that still smell like sweat and the Washington wilderness. It's sitting at the desktop watching you tube videos and it's 12:30 at night but oh there's still two more videos to watch we need to save the best for last.

It's Home.

It's falling asleep stretched out, blankets half way covering legs wedged between body and couchback watching Heros. It's making coffee in the french press and reading Barbara Kingsolver with the windows up with the candles lit.

It's a text while I'm at work that says Get home we're waiting for you we need our djembe player.

It's that feeling that's been missing, that longing, that desire absent these past long months and (who am I kidding) years... that feeling of I can't wait to get
Home.

I cannot even fathom a day where I don't get to come back here. I don't know how I lasted so long away, each precious moment of my life spent in this hallowed, safe place. Each time I had left, something sacred of me stayed behind. And now I am reunited with that holy part of myself.

I am Home.

Just in Case You Thought I was Finished

I didn't really want to leave my Saturday night on such a deep, introspective note. I mean, that's good and all but in the midst of the introspection, I also need to say that life is actually really great right now. Yeah, you say, I definitely haven't caught that from your blogs at all...

But really. I'd been a little sad the past couple months because as great as my new place is, I realized there was no way I could realistically keep attending my church up in Basehor. It's now a good 40-45 minute drive and that's not something I can financially do... as much as I'd like to. Plus, there's something I like about being a part of a local church... with people who live and work in the same community. I'd like to make friends, get involved, join a small group. I'd been going to Heartland in Olathe for a while but I was feeling very disconnected. I didn't know quite what to do.

Then I went to church with my friends Brian and Rachel. I fell in love. As I've said before, I base a lot of my life not on feelings but on intuition. Do you recall a post I wrote last April? That there was a certain David Crowder song that they sang at church that had broken my heart? That I went to the park and listened to that song on repeat for over an hour and just cried? I haven't heard that song at church since... until I heard it at Oak Grove. It's a Baptist church in an old building just a bit east and north of me in KCK and I did judge it at first walking in. The air was musty. The inside looked like every single tiny baptist church Jered had ever pulpit-supplied at. The crowd was mixed and definitely not very "church like". But then I heard the music (a djembe! A cello!) and then I heard the preacher (verses backing up verses backing up points based on other verses! Amazing!).

And the fact that God was continuing to use these friends of mine. . . these friends that had been such a large part of my life and whom I had thought last spring that I'd lost... That Everything Changes... but oftentimes it changes for the better... it's amazing to reread past posts and see how much has changed and how far I've come in just 4 or 5 months. That what I found happiness in back then is what God has brought to fruition lately to bring me such joy. That the deep, aching melancholy that used to haunt me is nearly totally missing from my life. That the moments of stress or sadness I've experienced the past month or two is a mere shadow of what I'd been in.

Thank you, God. For all my stumbles and wrong turns and hesitations and down right fiascos... I just can't get over how His grace still led me to this place.

Deciding who She Wants to Be

You’ve got to decide who you want to be.

This is what she tells herself now everyday. Yes, it is that intentional. Yes, it is saying “no” every once in a while. Yes, it is being alone on a Saturday night because she chooses to be. She needs to choose to be alone. She needs to relish in the delightful solitude. It’s a difficult choice to make. It’s difficult being alone sometimes. It’s difficult being that intentional. It’s difficult deciding who she truly wants to be every moment of every day.

Since her life has slowed down and evened out lately, she's finally had a chance to stand back and take a long, hard look at herself. She has a clearer picture now. She is grounded and wants to stay this way. She has goals and she wants to reach them. She has an image of herself she wants to attain.

Lately, she's realized how easy it is to fall back into old habits and fears (oh how she saw this coming...) She struggles, holding her head barely above water at times. She falls back under. She loses herself. That person she strives to be calls out and wavers and vanishes under instant gratification, under impulse, under stress and fear. She recaptures that image fiercely, pushing all that hinders aside. Be intentional, she tells herself. These things don’t just come about on their own. Now is the time. Decide who you want to be and work towards it. Choose to be it. Every moment of every day.

A fragment of a thought has caught in her mind lately. The thought comes and goes, grows stronger or weaker depending upon her surroundings or circumstances. It’s how often she is repulsed by an idea but then gradually comes to accept it. Then in the clarity of a singular moment, she is repulsed by it again. Demands change. Outside herself, within herself. Some things she can affect. Others she cannot. Some things she needs patience on. Some things seem wildly out of her hands.

It’s the little changes, she supposes. Staying home on a Saturday night and going to bed early. Drinking tea with honey after dinner. Going to the gym after work. Taking her own lunch. Recycling. Voting. Meditating. Saving her money. Paying down debt. Keeping her eyes open for opportunities. Being diligent in conversation. Searching for resources. Taking advantage of ways to be a blessing.

Living with integrity.

Deciding who she wants to be every day. And then being it.

Every moment of every day. No matter how high the water gets.

Yay, this whole post will be in "highlighter mode"!!!!

I'm watching movies with my mom and sister tonight and I cannot wait :)  I'm reporting to work at 8a tomorrow, so I can't stay late, but I've been looking forward to having our girls night tonight since Mom mentioned it last weekend. Something about being with my family makes me smile. I realize how very protective I am of my family. My mom and step dad with their house in the North East full of dogs and birds and love...

I went to my Shawnee Target today. It was good, seeing my friends, checking in. I really do like my new position and my new store, but I won't forget my original Target Family... they've helped me through so much these past 10 months, it would be a dishonor to neglect them. I realize I'm very protective of them too... and my heart will always be a part of 1759 no matter where I go from here. It's a nice feeling, to have a Home Base..

That's all, really, going on. I've been hanging out with family more, trying to use my time wisely. Going to bed early. Working out. Packing and unpacking. Need to be out of my old place entirely by aug 6th and I still have a ways to go... what to do with all this Stuff, I'm not sure (!!!!) Give it away I guess. I did get a bike, though. My friend Becky told me I could have the one on her porch. Her and her fiance were kind enough to let me drive up and take it... I do need to pump up the tires but them I'm good to go!

In other news, I just used the tanning bed at my new apartment for the first time :) it was raining when I left-- a nice, summer rain. I walked to the clubhouse and when I was walking home, it was raining harder. Some guy in a car pulled over and asked me if I wanted a ride. It was sweet but I was 100 yards from my front door. . . having said that, I am a hopeless romantic at heart. I do want to fall in love. But I'm a particularly picky person. . . 

Well, someday maybe. 

I want to Do Something Real

. . . and what is that?

I've said it before and I'll say it again: The most miserable I've been in my life is when I've been living for myself and my own pleasure only. The happiest I've been is when I'm living for others...

I don't believe I deserve anything in this life. What do I deserve? Really? What do we deserve? What does this universe owe us? What does God owe us?

Seriously?

Everything I have is a gift. Every good day I have is a treasure. Every bad day is just a bad day. Every life event which seems terrible at first is simply a life lesson in the end. Would I change a day of my life? Would I change even one moment? Everything that has happened to me is something to learn from. It's something that has shaped me into the person I am. I really would not change a day. Lord willing, I will grow from every opportunity so why change my past? I have not been perfect, my life has not been the signpost for all that is right... I have not made the right choice at every opportunity.

I wish I'd been more active in my teenage years. I wish my brother was still alive and with us. I wish I didn't have to get divorced. . .

but I have love. I have joy. I have a strange sense of peace that overcomes understanding. I have compassion for the walkedupon. I laugh in the face of trepidation. I stand firm in the face of oppression. I square my shoulders in the face of challenge.

I am my mother's daughter after all.

But ultimately, I want to do something Real.

I want to change the world.

What's so wrong with that?

I Am the New Her

My first day in my new position was today. Funny, the only person I couldn't wait to get home and tell about my day is not at home at all but a thousand miles away. While it is by design of God's Will (I'm sure) that I am alone these next two weeks while I'm training, I sure do miss my friend and roommate. . . It's too bad this time around, he is without a cell phone. I have created a list of things to talk about which will require at least two hours of conversation on my part let alone his. I should expect to not sleep the night he comes home. . .

In other news, my aunt and cousin are in town from Washington State. I have made plans to move to California with my cousin when the time is right. We seem like similar souls who would get along well. Southern Cali, here we come!

So life alone in this apartment has consisted of a lot of movies. And work. And I did do the dishes today! Nevermind it was the first time since last Thursday. . . By no motive of my own, my evenings are filled this entire week. I'm trying to keep next week open because I'm not sure what it holds work-wise. I do have an apartment, still, to vacate, so there's that.

But I'm excited about my new Target. I like a good change of pace and a good challenge. It seems I'll get both in the months to come. . .

A Glimpse

He's standing in the apartment, plaid shorts on and a military vest. He's tying his new whistle on the front of his jacket. His new ear plugs are stuck in his ears. I tell him he looks like a life guard. He looks in the mirror to see if it's true.

He plugged his ipod into the speakers and we are listening to some Eastern Asian meditation music. He lit incense as I type. There is Chipotle from dinner in the fridge. We have friends coming over at 9. We were supposed to go rock climbing but the military tumps that... as I knew it would.

We went on base at Ft Leavenworth today and we strolled around the shop with all the uniforms and military gear. I bought my dad's birthday present. He handed over his uniform to get his officer gear sewed on. Now we're back home and he's opening his loot, packing his gigantic bag. He strapped that bag on me today, buckling the ties around my waist and chest and cinching the straps around my arms. I padded around the kitchen feeling like a turtle. 35 lbs on my back. Ruck March for 10 miles with that thing? No thanks.

There is military gear strewn around the apartment. The windows are open and the fans are on. It was 95 degrees today but we have yet to turn on the airconditioner. He's used to sleeping outside in the summertime and I am always cold so it is a good match.

Tomorrow is my dad's birthday. Tomorrow I'm hanging out after working with a bunch of my family who have come in town. Tomorrow my roommate leaves for 16 days for military training.

Such is my life right now...

My Awakening

I reread The Awakening by Kate Chopin this past weekend. It was probably the fourth or fifth time I'd read it. The book spoke to my soul in a way it couldn't have possibly before. Oh, the truths that fell before my feet. Each word written as if from my own diary. The sentiments expressed had been mine all these long past 9 months (excluding the past month itself... oh, strange irony).

I don't apologize for the strangeness of my life. I've tried to describe the realities as I see them, as I experience them, but I've realized that most people have no real context. I think perhaps it is me that is being strange and when I say being strange, I mean "wrong". I have a very hard time seeing in black and white anymore, though. I have a hard time seeing cultural trends as they pertain to me. I don't say I'm outside them. I'm just saying that perhaps I live outside the predetermined lines in the sand that our society has dawn.

I get nods that mean, "ohhh, I see."

Those knowing glances.

The questioning stares.

I'm done explaining. My life is what it is. I'm done trying to figure it out myself, I get so exhausted. I don't like labels or borders or definitions much-- never have. Please don't expect me to explain my life or dreams or living situation to you in any way you will understand.

I guess that's all I can say about that.

I know it doesn't help much.

But I'm happier now than anytime I can truly remember. That's gotta count for something...

All day long I looked forward to going home. James is gone for the weekend so I have the place to myself. The only thing on my mind all day long was being alone. Put together my room. Clean the apartment. Finally watch Cloud Atlas. Eat some food. Go to bed early. I was giddy with the thought of it.

I am writing this as I watch the movie.

It is astounding. Enlightning.

Are our souls aligned though the years? Decades? Centuries? I've joked about Past Lives but could God allow such a thing? How else can I describe these feelings I sometimes have? These connections with people that sometimes manifest?

Two people, like magnets, drawn toward each other.

How can you describe it?

There is no definition.

I have been here again and again and again.

She Says I've Done A 180

And it's true.

It's the blind man seeing the light
and the homeless
being taken in.
It's something so fulfilling inside
but you know
it won't last forever
but you soak it up
as much as you can.

It's the lonely girl being
poured into
again and again and again
until she is
overflowing.

The dark days won't be
gone forever,
they loom ahead of me,
a dusky shadow
on the horizon.
But I am building that fortress now,
brick by brick,
not a wall or tower
but a support system
that will sustain.

Not something to be knocked down
but something to cultivate.
Something that will last--
protection for my heart and my
future and my happiness.

I have a goal in place and a plan in mind
and a line in the sand
that cannot be crossed.

I thank God for His provision
again and again and again
even in the midst of the
pain of the past.

Oh Lord,
it's still a mystery
to me
that
I can be
this happy.

Here's to the Good Times

Summer time you
are instilling in me something
that cannot last
but I will not think of that
now.

Pool parties
and making new friends
and drinking beer in the sand
and toes in the mud
and blasting that new song as loud as you can
while flying down the highway...

It's the lake
and the brats
and the volleyball games
and the falling asleep in the car on the way back,
sun burnt and sleepy
and happy.

Bowling until midnight.

Smoking cigars until 2am.

Waking up at 7am,
the sun in the sky,
the warm summer breeze
flowing through
your open
window--
the air's not turned on yet.
It's him cooking steak and eggs before a day at the pool.

It's laying out the yoga mat and stretching while
the roommate sleeps until noon.

I wish I could capture this time in a bottle
and keep it.
Hold it
close to me
forever.

And Here (I Am)

This is the fourth time we're listening to 'The Booze Cruise' form Blackjack Billy. My new roommate is sitting in front of me trying to play along on his electric guitar. I offered to look up the tabs. He likes the challenge. We just got back from work... an hour late... (remember that time I said I got off at 10?) and now we have cold beers and all the time in the world.

No need for a phone call at 11pm this Wednesday. First time in I can't remember...

Tomorrow I'm photographing a wedding. Friday I will sleep in. Lay out. Close the Deli. This weekend will be full of swimming and friends and heading to the lake.

Remember when I said last Spring that Everything Changes? That I would have to go it alone?

I really had no idea what was in store. It seems the dark days are over. . .

Settling In

I'm here @ the dmv so I thought to give a little life update. I moved Saturday into my new place. I was going to do it later on this month, but a buddy offered his truck on a free day off and I figured I should just get it over with... I hate waiting once I've decided on something. My roommate's the same way and had already cleared out my room...

After only 3 days, it feels like the most natural thing in the world... after my last two less than stellar living experiences, it is a breath of fresh air... it's amazing what a stable homelife will do to erase stress. Instead of sitting alone at my computer, I'm playing Super Mario and eating home made roast. Instead of feeling like a burden, I'm txt'd with a 'when are you getting home, let's go to the gym, but first I've got something to show you...'

Have I mentioned I've been "home" now for three straight nights in a row? It's quite the record. Of course, it was exactly the slow-down I expected from this move....

Summer Time

Summer time, you
steal away my hours you
convince me it's not so late because
the sun just set
a couple hours ago
(that means it's almost midnight).

Beer on patios,
shish kabobs, rollerblades,
supermoons and
Saturday tacos.
Movies rented
from a red box
at
11pm.

Midnight showings.

Road trips.

Driving with my windows rolled down,
pick up taco bell it's
2am.

Summer time, the pool feels so nice,
the sun browning my skin and the sky
such a deep, deep blue.

I missed you
Morning hikes,
Lunchtime margaritas
and Night Swimming...

Summer time you make me want to
rock climb
and mountain climb
and eat less
and drink more
water.

I love you.
Never leave me.

I will marry you
and keep you
until death do us part.

Forever and ever
Amen,

What do I want?

I sat in a Jeep outside my apartment for a while last night. I was discussing relationships with a friend of mine. He is a guy. We are friends.

I have had enough guy friends to know when this conversation should occur.

I am not ready for a relationship.

I am still discovering myself
and what I want
and who I am.

I have a lot of guy friends. I work out with them. I eat Chipotle with them. I hang out with them. I rock climb with them.

They push me. They show me a different side of things. They open up courses of action, they spur me on, they confront me and encourage me. They say, yeah! Let's Do That! They invite me over for steak dinner. They invite me out to the dog park. They invite me out with their girl friends. I invite them out to adventure. . .

I am moving in with a guy friend.

He has a large TV and several guitars and is very nearly as crazy as I am (that's why we get along so well)...

Tonight I told him about my rock climbing adventure from last night and my words were something like "I still can't really feel my arms, but it was so worth it!" and he said, 'yeah! we need to do that! Let me tell so and so and so and so and that sounds awesome!'

Yeah.

That's about sums it up right there.

All is Right with the World again

Today was nearly a perfect day.

Got done what I needed to get done.
Work.
Tacos
Movie
Phone call

I survived.
More than that, I conquered.
Three weeks and the end is in sight.

Let's see if I can keep this resolution. . .

To My Friends and Family

First of all, thank you.

Thank you to those who pray for me.

Thank you to those who love me.

Thank you to those who drive me places when my tags expire.

Thank you to those who buy me food when I am flat broke.

Thank you that you do not judge me.

Thank you to those who pull me aside and give it to me straight.

Thank you to those who worry about me... I wish you didn't have to so much.

Thank you for forgiving me for missing your wedding
or party
or shower
or bible study
or coffee date.

Thank you for still being my friend after I've screwed up.

Thank you for still sharing your life with me.

Thank you for accepting my wild ideas
and sometimes eccentric behavior.

Thank you for following me up a mountain.

Thank you for pushing me to go to the gym
(and giving me 95 lbs to bench...)

Thank you for understanding that I don't have it all together
or worked out
and that my heart
and life
are broken.

God is mending these things but
it takes time and
sometimes I
get in the way.

Thank you to my family and my Target family, my oldest friends and my new ones, church friends, college friends, roommates and workmates. I don't know what I do to deserve you but I am
so grateful
nonetheless.

The Antithesis of Yesterday

Bonus points for those who did not have to look up the word antithesis. I admit I googled it first to make sure it really meant what I thought it meant. It did. Yay me.

My day yesterday was rough. Today... well, today was quite the opposite. I figured if I posted about my bad day, I should post about my good day too. Here we go.

Today began at 7am with a phone call. No, it wasn't somebody who found my wallet. It was the one and only person who feels at liberty to call me at 7am on my day off. And in typical fashion, the call started with a  "Goodmorning! It'stimetogetup! Ithoughtyou'dbeatworkbutthenIrememberedit'syourdayoff...butHaveyoueverheardofPancho's? It'saMexicandrivethroughplaceasgoodasJosePeppers...IjustgotbreakfastandStarbucksand....."

It was 7am and I groaned and rolled out of bed and padded outside and sat on my patio for the rest of the phone call. The neighbors below me came outside and smoked and went back inside and came back outside to smoke... I watched the motorcycles cruise down Renner. I told him about my day yesterday and I vented some and felt much better afterward but the majority of the call was about motorcycles and tanks and helicopters and that was exactly what I needed... get myself out of myself for a while.

After that I went running. It was 9 and already hot so I went to Millcreek Trail and ran under the canopy of trees. It smelled so good. While I was running, I got a txt from someone wanting to buy my dresser. I did cut my run short but got $80.

It was 11 and hot so I went to the pool. Laid out. Got tan. Felt good. Picked up my album from H&H to mail to a wedding client.

It was Aimee who commented that I should call the gas station where I'd noticed my wallet was missing and see if they found it. It hadn't really occurred to me, but I guess it could've fallen out of my purse just as easily there. So I called. And they had a wallet. And it was pink and yellow. And it was mine.

And everything was still in it. Even the $100 cash.

Here, the doxology started running through my head... 'Praise God from whom all blessings flow..."

The afternoon was spent collecting my wallet, picking up my brother and teaching him how to drive. It was thrilling. And we survived. He even made a left turn on Metcalf. Mom didn't look too pleased about that one ;)

Mom followed me back to my storage unit where she helped me clean it out. I sorted through all of it while watching Warm Bodies and eating steak that mom had given me. I dropped off donations to Savers, took back my movie and bought groceries. Now it is 8p and I am warm from my sunburn and full of steak and I have my wallet in my purse.

I think God knew exactly what I needed today and provided it in full. I'm so glad for days like yesterday to be followed by days like today.

Thank you, Lord.

I Get Knocked Down but I Get Up Again

Lost my wallet last night. Simply vanished. Not at home. Not in my car. Maybe it fell out of my purse? God only knows.

I felt sorry for myself last night but I watched Machine Gun Preacher on Netflix and ate two single serve bags of popcorn and fell asleep on the couch.

I woke up at 2am with terrible cramps. Some of the worst ever. I drank some water, spent some time being sick. Fell, exhausted, back on the couch.

Woke back up around 4am. Same thing. I was hot. Cold. Achy. Hurting. Managed to hug my knees to my chest and get back to sleep.

Woke back up just before 6am. I threw the covers off, got a drink of water. Curled into a ball. Pulled the covers back on. Somehow fell back asleep.

This feeling I was familiar with. This was what drove me to see the doctor last month. This has no cure. This is caused by stress.

When I finally dragged myself out of bed at 8:30, stomach sour, I left to go to the bank. My car was on empty and I had no money. On my way to the bank, I get pulled over. My tags expired last month. They have been expired for 18 days. Is it a coincidence that I get pulled over the morning after I lose my licence? The cop saw the look on my face. I'd paid for new tags (late, sure) before I left for Colorado but the receipt was in my wallet, now gone. I got a $100 ticket.

I almost cried right there. I almost just let myself be overwhelmed by the enormity of my day thus far.

To top it off, my cell service had been disconnected. I was waiting on Jered to pay his half of the bill... no phone. No txting. No gas. No wallet. No licence. $100 ticket.

I went to the bank. She gave me a card. I got some money. I bought some gas. I went home and laid out in the sun and burnt myself but not badly. Just enough to make me feel better. Then I went to work. Rocked it out. Jered paid Verizon. Cell service back on.

It's the small things, really...

I believe in the Spirit and I believe in spiritual warfare. It's something I'd been processing through and talking a lot about with my mom over this past week. My day today was no coincidence. And instead of being upset and fearful and fretful, I will take today as a compliment. I must be on the right track if I am suddenly such a highly regarded target.

To that I say Bring it on.

I made my choice last April.

And I'm in it for the Long Haul.

Driving back home

When I dropped Mom off, I had that old feeling. It's a feeling I've pushed down for the past week or so, it's a feeling that's at once familiar and unsettling...

Now What?

That's it. Just that. I thought about driving to a park and reading and journaling and continuing my solitary journey I'd begun this past week. My journey into myself. My journey to find God...

I thought about going home to Aimee. Unpack the car. Boot up the computer. Begin to work my way through the mountain of things I've been thinking about doing these past 7 days to further my life...

I thought about going to my new home ( I have a key) and crashing there and just watching a movie and reading book and not thinking about anything special...

I thought about going to Aimee's and then going to a park and then going to my new place... it was only 7:00 on a Saturday night after all. Oh the possibilities seemed endless.

In the end, I went to Target and bought a Father's Day Card and then I went home. To my current home. And paid some bills and uploaded photos and went though my folders upon folders of papers-- lots of which I threw away. I updated my calendar. I txt'd a friend. I blogged (obviously). It was good.

Life. Life is precarious.

I was homesick for Colorado. That is not really possible, my home is not over there. And yet.

Have you ever been somewhere and felt so securely that you Belong there? Your Home, better for worse, is where were right at that moment? I felt that way.

And I feel out of place now.

I want to go hiking and camping and kayaking this weekend.... but I'm in eastern Kansas.

What a blow to the psyche. What a blow to my sense of being. Can I even pretend now?

Guess I'll have to.

Until God calls me to where I Belong....

You Probably Know This but...

We're leaving tomorrow. I do not want to. I don't want to go back. I am afraid. Afraid of myself. Afraid of the business. Afraid because I feel myself already being overwhelmed by my life back home...

God, grant me strength. Remind me the things you've taught me out here. Give me focus, courage, stamina. Give me the desire to stay clear-headed and driven.

God, help me...

The Adventure Continues

I left at 8:30 yesterday morning to drive out to Vail to meet my friends. We were planning on meeting up at 11 but when I texted Stephanie at 10 to tell her I was an hour out, she txt'd me back at 10:24 saying they had just woken up (in Denver, about 2 hours away from Vail). Undaunted, I stopped at every single rest stop/ overlook on my way. This took me through the White River National Forest (absolutely amazing) where I stuck my feet in the White River (and collected some rocks) and took a plethora of great photos.

I stopped along the way to take some other great shots and wound up in Vail where I parked and found a cute cafe that sold crepes. I sat outside under a big, red umbrella and read and waited for my friends.

When they arrived, we all ate some lunch and seeing as how they had brought their two dogs with them, we decided to take a hike.

We found a trail head but it seemed to go nowhere. George called up to some lady on a balcony and asked where the nearest hiking trail was. Her words went something like, 'oh, there's this trail right over there and if you take it, it goes up the mountain'. Before us was a smallerish mountain (more like a big hill) with ski lifts planted on the side, the chairs swinging in the air. Not too daunting, we thought. Something we can be up and down in a hour and then we'd make our drive back to our respective places. George and Stephanie were having a cookout with some friends in Denver that evening and I had family coming to my Uncle's place.

Okay. On we went.

The first stretch was this dirt and rock trail that simply led straight up the hill at a 10% + incline. After we got up the hill, the trail led into the woods and from there just kept right on going. It was 2 1/2 miles up to the top we found out later. The trail alternated between switchbacks and straight incline drives. We climbed over rocks and jumped over streams and once even ran out of water on our way up. We contemplated a stream. George thought it was safe to drink. Stephanie filled up the bottle. I found some hikers right at that moment and asked them how much further form the top. George asked them on a scale of 1-10 how safe this water was to drink.

"Don't" was their reply. They had a ton of extra water so they gave us some. It was good because we were all parched and I'd honestly been getting worried. We'd packed for a quick hike, not a 3 hour long adventure  up a mountain...

It was overcast and a little chilly when our trail broke through the forest and the wide majestic Rockies opened up before us. The cars on the highway below looked like periods at the end of this sentence. I could barely make out the buildings. We were 10000 feet in the air. Breathing was a little difficult and we stopped often the closer we got to the top. I looked at George at one point as we were resting and my thought process was, forget this trail. I can see the top right there. That's not too steep. Let's just make for it. He thought I was crazy. He really doesn't know me that well.

"You're doing it, aren't you?" he asked incredulously.

"I'm doing it," I said as I turned off the trail. Bless his heart if he didn't turn and follow me. Stephanie followed. There were a couple main ridges to get up. The first was the most difficult because of steepness (things never look as steep from below. The others were difficult because we were determined but exhausted and running out of air.

At the top, we just stood there. My legs were quivering. Stephanie and George kissed. We took some photos, let the dogs drink from a stream at the top and we contemplated the trip down.

We didn't get to the bottom until 7:30. I got back to Grand Junction after 10. I was limping when I got out of my car. I'd txt'd mom a couple times. Something like, "Mom, I'm going to be late, I'm on this mountain..."

Oh, Colorado.

(I took steph's camera up the mountain. I'll post photos when I get to see the pictures!)

relationship advice

Here are some random thoughts.

Find a Godly man. That's what they tell me. She's worried about my new roommate. She's worried about my heart. Perhaps she has good reason to be worried. But I know what I want. Being here in Colorado, I realize that this place is just like every place. I want this place but I want to share it with somebody. I want to go hiking and camping and rapelling and kayaking and 4-wheeling and... but not by myself. With somebody. I want to share that with someone I care about. I want to share those things with someone who will enjoy them with me.

I want someone as crazy as my uncle. I want someone to say, see that rock on that ledge over there over the canyon? Let's climb on that.

See that tower of rock over there? People climb it on the 4th of July. Let's come back in a month and do it.

People put in the river half a mile from here. Let's rent a kayak each and let's do a float trip next Saturday with some friends.

You can camp on the Grand Mesa. There are lakes up there and places to hike up there. Let's do it.

Mom says it'll break her heart if I find a guy in Kansas City and get stuck there. I agree with her.

Don't be worried about my heart, Mom.

I'm on my way to something else...

Out here in the Wild Wild West

We drove through the canyon, a wall of rock rising up on either side. The Colorado river ran beside us. There were rapids. The highway ran past some vineyards, some orchards, ran through one small town and another small town. I turned our car off the main road and through a neighborhood and we ended at the house where my uncle and his girlfriend lived. The front lawn was rock and two miles away were mountains, red and rocky, rising to the sky.

I ran that night. I ran through the neighborhood and turned toward the rising mountains and ran toward them and very quickly ran out of breath. Darn that mountain air. I watched the sun set over the foothills towards the West and eventually, I turned around and headed back, passing cacti and Subaru's and heading toward the wall of the canyon.

I was in Western Colorado. The air was dry and hot. There are shops down town that rent bikes and launch kayaks. There are mountains and national monuments that have spires people climb, there are acres of land set aside for mountain bikes and four wheelers. It is hot during the day and cool at night.

My uncle and I went off trail tonight. We were at the Colorado National Monument and we pulled off the road. Uncle Dion had seen a hole in the rock maybe 50 feet below the top of the road and he said there was a place where we could get down there and see the canyon. Mom and Holly thought it was a bad idea. I was taking photos of the canyon and when I turned around, my uncle was gone. Holly pointed across the road to the bush and told me he'd gone "that way, over there". I traipsed over there and into the dirt and down some rocks and I heard his voice, "Hey, Barb, I found it."

Down some rocks and through this hole in the rock wall. The floor was sandy and there were shoe prints leading the way. There were gnats in the tunnel. On the other side, looking through the gap, the canyon opened up before me. It was vast, untamed and indescribable. Off to the side, the trail extended. I followed it for a while. My uncle trailed behind me, careful in his flip flops and being a little winded from the previous climb. I looked up and saw the edge of the top. There were rocks jutting out, gigantic stair steps leads up to the top. It wasn't exactly safe. It looked like it would awesome and exciting. And crazy. The rocks jutted out into thin air. I looked down at my uncle. I made up my mind in a split second and we turned and went back up to the car.

Now, in the above photo, I wasn't so careful. "Barb, climb out to that rock out there," my uncle says to me. This involved climbing over the wooden fence and following the rocks over to the right and climbing on this ridge of rock that jutted out into the canyon and then climbing on this rock that was balanced on this other rock... Mom said we were crazy. She and Holly turned back to the car. They didn't even want to watch. I got nervous once. Unfortunately (or fortunately) I did not inherit my mothers fear of heights and I like a good challenge. Obviously. 

I chatted with my uncle some. He was telling me about when he moved out here. He'd missed his family. He'd been lonely. It took some time to get plugged in. I'm sure it always takes time when you move somewhere far from home...

Yeah. I guess those thoughts have been going through my mind...

Amazing Grace- Jars of Clay

I grew this heart into a drifter
I never felt the roots I bare
I sold my sight, oh brother, sister
For a mountain of fool's gold, it's gone
Only God knows, God knows where

My soul was restless for redemption
My feet were lookin' for a place to stand
Well, I ain't got no life
And you know I ain't got no money
Just the faith of an empty hand

Amazing grace, I feel you coming up slowly now
Like the sun is risin', heat on my face
Oh love that keeps on shinin', don't let the shadow come
Ya know I gotta feel your healin' rays

. . .

Jars of Clay. You always know just what to say

Two weeks

This is the kind of two weeks I once
lived for
and dreamed of;
freedom dancing in freedom,
arms outstretched
in wild abandon...

Now it just seems like time to fill up
and a big, empty space to plug
meaningless things
into
until it's over...

Prepare yourself for 16 days
without your best friend...
(I should move my coffee pot in now... )

Here we go

So plans for California have for now been put off. I'm not surprised or disappointed. I was praying for timing and for the right thing to happen.

I've posted this before, but I definitely live a lot of my life on intuition. Moving out of that house in Shawnee was necessary and a very good move for me. Moving into this current apartment seemed right at the time... sortof. My roommate and I had lived together before but a lot of life change has occurred and I was pretty nervous going into this situation that we might not be as compatible as we once were. Boy, I hit the nail on that one. I should've trusted my instincts on that but I pushed those thoughts aside because I didn't think I had any other option.

It's a funny thing. I remember sitting at the kitchen table at a ladies bible study one night last March. My living situation was the topic of discussion. On one hand, I had the roommate I'm with now. On the other hand, I had the roommate I'm now going to. Two options. Man, guess I just picked the wrong one...

So, leaving this apartment complex... Does it feel right? It would if I could do it on good terms. If my roommate found a roommate to replace me ( I offered to find one for her but naturally, she'd like to pick her own living partner).

But accepting my new promotion and sticking around KC for a bit more time... that feels right. My next living situation that I'll be moving in to next month?... That has felt right for a long time.

I was over there this morning, looking at what's to be my new room, talking about expectations and storage and details. I mean, as people tell me, I'm never home because I'm over there all the time anyway. Now, instead of watching a movie until 1am and then having to drive to my apartment, I can just go to bed. Instead of getting woken up at 8:30am with a getoverherei'mmakingbreakfastwillyougetsomeOJontheway?... I just walk out into the kitchen. I think without a doubt, this move alone will slow my life down by 80%...

I'm glad that Park Edge got me out of the house in Shawnee. That house had me trapped in a very bad place. But I'm so glad to feel like I'm finally heading where I should be. Someplace I can stop and rest for a while. Living in a place I'm already familiar, living with somebody who's seen me at my worst... and still invites me back...

And my job... the position isn't where I thought I would be, but perhaps it's right where I need to be.

All of this coming together, it feels like God's hand. It feels like I'm finally going to wind up where I belong.

It's about time!