"I'm really looking forward to this year being over. 2013 was a mess. 2014 is going to be so much better."
"Really, you think so? A mess?" His voice is thoughtful. "I guess you're right. There were lots of high points, but then lots of low points. A mess is a pretty good word for this past year."
"Yeah," she continues, "lots of highs and lows and not a lot of inbetweens."
It's late again. They had nearly gone to bed but then hadn't. It is chilly in the room and she wishes she'd brought in the space heater. She's wearing a military grade puffy jacket she refers to as a marshmallow coat so only her toes are truly suffering. He's flopped face down again, his stomach soaking up the warmth of his electric blanket.
"What would you say is a high for you this past year?" he asks. It's a good question. Surprisingly, for all her life processing lately, she hadn't taken the time to think about the things that went well this past year-- only the things she would change. She takes a moment to think about it. Nothing is immediately coming to mind.
"Getting back in to church," she finally says. "Getting involved in my church, getting involved with my small group. Making a group of new friends." She pauses, letting her mind wander over the battlefield of this past 12 months. "Moving in here," she says after some time. "I don't know if I ever thanked you for letting me invade your space. But that was life changing for me."
"You're welcome," he says simply. She thinks about where she was before moving into this apartment. She thought back on the loneliness and the emptiness and the deep ache within her the first 6 months of this past year. She thought about returning from Focus last month, walking into the apartment after being gone 5 days and him asking her if she was happy to be home and how that one simple word _home_ had startled her, nearly brought her to tears. How safe she had felt.
There's a comfortable silence. She can hear the wind outside the single pained windows.
"Becoming friends with your sister," she says suddenly, breaking the stillness, startling even herself. "Really, that was incredibly good for me too." As she speaks the words, the weight of their truth press into her heart and it makes her feel grateful and a bit foolish.
"Oh yeah?" He's intrigued. "How so?"
She shrugs though she know he can't see her in the dim light. It's hard to articulate how a 31 year old woman can be so altered by an 18 year old. It's not something she would easily be able to explain to anybody else. She trusts he can understand.
"Companionship," she says. "Like today, even. I didn't want to drive out to my old job by myself to turn in my work shirts. I didn't want to face my old manager alone so I called her up and she came with me. If I want to go see a movie, I know I can give her a call."
But it's more than that.
"It's also just unselfishness. It's living for something beyond myself. It's reaching out to someone else."
There's so much more to say, but she doesn't. She can't quite wrap her mind around it herself. She gives up trying.
"My trip to Colorado with Mom," she adds. "Climbing that mountain with Stephanie and George. Seeing my family. That was all really good."
"Yeah, I saw Stephanie when I was out there," he says. "That trip was a highlight for me."
Ah yes. She turns the question back around on him, "And what were the highs of your 2013?"
She listens as he proceeds through the same process, thinking of the highlights of his past year. Graduating Officer school, getting this apartment, his trip out to California, finally quitting his retail job to pursue his passions.
"I just need to write a book about my past year," he finishes. "There's so much change. So much I liked but so much I'd do differently."
"Oh yeah?"
"Yeah."
"Like what?" He has to have known she'd ask.
"Well, what would you do differently?" He turns his head to look at her. She smiles ruefully.
"Too much to say." It's the truth.
"See, I have a hard time with that question, though. Because you don't know what you don't know. Every decision I made led me here. Who knows if I wouldn't be where I am today if I'd chosen different things?"
Deep.
"True," she says. "But I definitely have some things I would've done differently. I wish I hadn't sold all my photography equipment to move out of my Shawnee house and pay that ridiculous deposit on that apartment last Spring. I wish I hadn't sold my desktop computer.
She's on a roll now, this is more familiar territory and it feels cleansing to speak these words out loud.
"And I would change lots and lots of stupid things I did, dumb little decisions I made, people I spent my time with, dates I went on, all the money I wasted." She shakes her head again, thinking back on it all.
"Sure, but all those things you had to go through. You needed to work through them to come out on the other side." He was too generous sometimes with her mistakes.
"You're probably right," she acquiesces. "I mean, even getting my car totaled and that whole mess last fall gave me a break from work, gave me a couple months to refocus on my photography business, gave me a chance to re energize myself."
"See, there you go."
They lapse back in to silence. She appreciates that he is like her and they are the kind of people who relentlessly drive for positive change in their lives. He will prod her to take a hard look at herself and re calibrate if necessary. She will turn around and make him do the same. Proverbs 27 comes to her mind... As iron sharpens iron so one person sharpens another...
She also appreciates this small time provided to dwell on the positives that have come out of this past year. For all her stumbling and falls and false starts, it's good to remember the blessings as well. It's good to remember that life keeps moving on and that she doesn't have to make the same mistakes and that hopefully this time next year, she won't have to struggle to remember the highs. And maybe the lows won't be as low. And maybe she can look back on 2013 as the defining year where the rest of her life truly began...
She looks down at him. He has nearly fallen asleep during her musings. She pokes him in the side with her toe.
"Time for bed," she says.
"I agree," His voice is faint. "I might fall asleep right here. Just like this."
She gets up, knees cracking, makes her way to her bed. Enough conversations for this night. The neighbors upstairs are fighting. She looks at the clock. It is 12:15. Better than the 1:30am the night before. She's looking forward to a house. A savings account. A routine. She's genuinely looking forward to the coming new year.
Everything Changes. And she's expecting it to change for the better.
