Drowning SuperBarb

I'm reading Velvet Elvis-- probably one of the best books on Christianity I own. It's interesting to read through this book and process some of its truths while I'm out here on vacation. First, it's the beginning of the year so I'm already going through some heavy life professing. Second, I'm in a new, fabulous place with lots of time to plan my future and question what I'm doing with my life and why I'm not living in California. Third, Rob Bell just reminded me that I need to be focusing completely on pursuing who God created me to be. If I'm not focused on that, then I am sinning.

Oh man.

So here I am.

So Im thinking about why I am where I am and why I'm doing what I'm doing. And who am I trying to please? Myself? My bosses? My friends? My family? All of the above? Rob Bell says that we all have a Supersomebody in our heads that we constantly compare ourselves to. So true. I have a SuperBarb. I found this out at Focus. SuperBarb is perfect and funny and skinny and has a great career and tons of friends and wakes up at 6am every day to read her bible and then she is rockstar at work and everyone admires her and wants to be like her and then she works out for 2 hours and then devotes an hour a day to reading and an hour a day to writing and playing guitar and then she goes to bed at 11pm every night...

This person needs to be killed. It's a nice idea. But trying to be that person stresses me out. And when I come face to face with the realization that I cannot be this person, I sabotage myself. And I do things I shouldn't. And I spend money I shouldn't. And I pursue things I think will make me feel better about myself but don't.

She needs to die. I need to take her out into the ocean and drown her. Or maybe feed her to a shark. Or maybe burn her in the firepit out back. Either way, she's not coming back home with me. She will die this week in California. Because there is something bigger for me out there than what I'm trying for. There is someOne more important than all these people I'm trying to impress. And you know what? Perhaps my purpose in life is not to impress anyone. I need to remember that my calling might be higher than that. I might be asked to do some crazy things. I might be called to a life that seems ridiculous to us here in the comfortable American middle class. I think these things because my heart craves these things and always has and I've stopped myself because I've been afraid of failure and of disappointment and of judgement.

SuperBarb doesn't try to surf for the first time with relative strangers. She'd be too afraid to fail. SuperBarb wouldn't say No to going out with friends over and over again in order to save money and pay down debt because she's too worried about hurting feelings. She wouldn't put her own health over other's comfort. She wouldn't go to bed early even though the roommates are still up. She wouldn't stand up for justice. She wouldn't cut out the harmful people in her life. She wouldn't choose water over wine at a dinner party or seek out God's plans for herself and whole heartedly run after them with blinders on.

So she deserves to die.

And this broken, vulnerable, trusting, courageous and loved woman will take her place.