I changed my cover photo on Facebook today and I changed it to a photo I took one truly fateful day in October two years ago. It was a day that solidified the entirely new course my life had just set. It was the day I made up my mind about the life I wanted and the life I was leaving. It was the day I chose this path that I am on now.
October 14, 2012
I had a dream last night. It's been a reoccurring dream lately. In this dream, I regret my decision two years ago with such a ferocity I wake up nearly in tears. The bitterness of a life shattered still on my tongue. The old wound in my heart still throbbing. The life I chose to leave behind haunts me. The promises I had once upon a time made still rankle. I feel like a fraud, a cheat. And that day in the woods where I first took that October photo, that day where I had felt truly free for the first time in years... that day shames me. My actions at that time bring fresh grief. This life I have now feels hollow and fake and as safe as shifting sand.
It's all these weddings I've been going to and photographing, I think. It just reminds me of my own failure.
But as I lay there in bed, calming my heart, fighting back the tears, I remind myself of why I chose this life. I think of what I have now. I think of what my life would probably be like without that decision. I think of the woman I had been-- one who realized one day that she never laughed anymore. The one who walked on egg shells. The one who was constantly questioning herself. The one who lived in almost constant shame. The one who beat at the bars of her sanctified cage and finally one day broke free.
And when I stand in my loft with the windows open, music playing, quiche in the oven, the regret instantly vanishes.
When I have lunch with a guy friend, I don't fear retribution.
When I mix and mingle at entrepreneur events, I don't constantly scan the room anymore, looking for that pair of jealous eyes.
I don't fear religious discussions over a glass of wine.
I finally have faith that my life will amount to something more than heart-ache and brokenness.
There is more to this life than atoning for my mistake.
In the past two years, I have finally started to believe... once and for all... that I am a worthy person. That I help make others feel worth. That I am courageous. That I can be vulnerable. That I can screw up big time and I can still be loved and accepted.
. . . Also that I can belong to another person without being possessed entirely. That two people can disagree without it turning into a vicious argument. That I can be with someone who actually wants to meet my friends, encourages me to pursue my dreams, wants to become a better person with me. That's crazy talk. It's supposed to be like this? This is what I've been missing out on all those years? I look into his blue eyes and in them there is delight. I love being looked at like that.
Two years ago in October, I stepped out on faith and stepped off the pavement and I chose the path that led deeper into the woods instead of back home. That day was exhilarating, terrifying, spontaneous and completely out of character for me (at the time).
Last October, I stepped out on faith and restarted this photography business of mine that has allowed me to now live where I love.
This October... well. Who knows where I'll go this time around... but I know one thing for sure. I will never regret the lessons I've learned or the person I've become today. I'll never regret meeting the people I have in my life now and I'll never regret trusting this process. And I will never regret choosing how I did when I came to that fork in the road.
