I try not to over-think things

but sometimes I must stop myself. Reflect on my life. I got home at 1am tonight (today, yesterday?) and 1:30 Am yesterday.

Yesterday.

You make your plans and then they get redirected. My yesterday should've been spent working out and having Mexican food with my favorite biblestudy ladies. It wound up being filled with organizing someone else's apartment, offering solace, contemplating the fate of my friend, eating buffalo wild wings and watching Thor. Until 1:30am. I do not regret my decisions but the decisions we make lead us down the paths our lives eventually take, right?

My friend told me the other day that I personalize other people's pain. In that, I take on other people's suffering and make it my own. That's why I have a desire to help people. He told me that's a good thing. A rare thing I suppose. That most people would say, oh, sucks for you, and move on but instead I invest myself in others...  He told me that's perhaps why I can't watch scary movies-- that they give me nightmares. It's probably true. The Hangover III gave me nightmares (legit, seriously, about decapitations... those who have seen the movie will know where my dreams came from and they will wonder what is seriously wrong with me...)

I spent the evening with my young friend Marcail and some others. I made a new friend tonight. We watched Iron Man and The Avengers. Marcail and I made plans for Sunday night. Maybe watching Iron Man II. Maybe Breaking Dawn II. . .  I contemplated to myself what drives me to want to spend time with someone 18 years old. I love her dearly. I love her like I loved my old youth group girls. I love her like I love my sister. I want the best for her. I want her to know love and acceptance and to never know pain or loneliness or isolation. I will do whatever I can that she will not have to experience those terrible things... Today at work, James and Marcail came in to Target. I felt my protective nature rear it's head. I sat next to her and defied (in my mind) anyone who would look sideways at her  or see her as anything other than beautiful... oh man, I know I'm a lioness at heart...

I guess I talk about her a lot at work. She and James walked in (I was in a meeting) and everyone wanted to meet her. Everyone already knew her by name (probably because of facebook and this blog...) and I hoped she was pleased. I long for her to know how special she is. God has a plan for her. Maybe I am a small part of His plan. We'll see.

But I do need to question my motives and think about things. Perhaps I enjoy spending time with her because it is also that she loves me? Sure, I cannot be so entirely selfless. To be looked up to and loved is a powerful feeling. It's very reaffirming. Especially for someone in my state of life...

And there is that I love her family. And that I spend "entirely too much" time with her brother. And I enjoy the company of her family's friends. And for whatever reason, I seem to click eerily well with almost everyone who walks into their house... Yes, I make friend easily, but there are a rare few that I connect so solidly with...

I really do try not to over-think things. My friends think I'm crazy. My life really doesn't make much sense to most people looking in. My choices and decisions probably look oblivious at best and manipulative at worst but... I just do what feels right. I don't know where I'm going or what I'm doing but as long as I seek God and follow my heart, I can die with a clear conscious despite how my life works out...

That's probably been my Mom's theory on life.

Oh Good Lord.

Then I'm in for a ride.

Contemplating Homelessness

There is a thrill in letting go.
Every thing that holds
onto you
is nothing now
to you
but a means to an end
or an anchor.

I look forward to
being free and
drifting
and settling to land
where I always knew I would.

And everyone knew I would
wind up here
because everyone asked me
why I hadn't.

For a season,
anyway.

What are you bringing with you?
Just a suitcase.
How much room do you need?
Not much. A bed. A place to put my bag.
Maybe some closet space
maybe a shelf in the bathroom.

Just plug me into your life where I will fit,
I won't take up much space.
I'm never home anyway.
Although I could be.
If it suited me...
If you buy the food, I'll cook it,
if you lay out a blanket on the couch,
I'll sleep there.
Put a book on my night stand, I'll read it.
Keep a light on for me...
or reach over to turn out the light beside me...

Don't let me stop you.
Keep right on living your life,
seeing your friends,
working 60 hours a week.
I'm just grateful for a place
to sleep
with my bag by my head
and a sheet over me.
It's not under a bridge so in that way
I have a leg up
from my family.

God bless you
and thank you
for keeping me.

Check List and all

I went through the check list the divorce lawyer gave me last month. It's something I'd been putting off. I set up a meeting with her for next week. I set up a payment plan on the taxes, something else I'd been putting off. Interesting how something like a note on the table can be a catalyst for life moving forward...

I called several companies to get the necessary paper work started, talked over plans with my roommate for my situation, had lunch with two friends, met with my aunt, worked my butt off at the gym and sat at Wendy's laughing with some friends and had a small vanilla frosty for dessert. I'm meeting with my dad and Lisa tomorrow. I'm pretty convinced I'll have somewhere to live after July 1st. I took a mental inventory of everything I will sell. It's everything, btw. Pretty much everything. I txt'd back concerned friends who's read my last post, showered, put away my clothes I'd washed yesterday and now I'm going to bed.

That's day one in what will become the whirlwind of cleaning out and cleaning up my life.

As my aunt told me earlier today, there's something freeing about getting rid of all your material possessions. Then they don't control you anymore.

A friend of mine told me tonight at the gym that if I don't go through with the entirety of my plan, he will kick me. (He seemed pretty earnest about this, I don't think he was really joking). His girlfriend agreed.

Confirmation comes in the strangest of forms sometimes...

I looked on Craigslist for rooms or apartments out west, SoCal mostly. $600 for a room a mile from the ocean. Are you kidding me? That's only $100 more than I'm paying to live in Kansas. I google mapped Targets out there as well. I'd done this before and had already picked out my location. A friend's sister also happens to already lived out there as well. Bonus.

I'm asking friends to pray for clarity for me. Boy, though, it's hard guarding my heart on this one.

Sell Everything And Go

I sat with my Aunt this afternoon at Homers. She asked me how my life was going. My mind drew a blank. I didn't know what to say. I articulate better writing. Last night, after a crazy day and emotionally exhausting evening, after getting the txt about Dennis at 1am and then, hands shaking, trying to play it cool because the guys were watching and then finally giving in to sobs... all I could say in the end was, I gotta go blog.

Are you going to sleep at all tonight? he asked.

He played Chris Tomlin to calm me and I sat there, my mind slowly shutting down. The number one thought I kept coming to, the only thing that I could focus on were four simple and familiar words.

Sell everything and Go.

I'm not joking. Everything in my life seems to be leading up to this. It began just getting into this apartment, selling all my second shooter camera equipment to be able to afford the deposit. Selling a couple blu-ray disks for gas money when my account went overdrawn. Thinking about the TV I just bought (and have not watched), about my blu-ray player, about this very computer I'm typing on... My headboard and dresser and desk and clothing and kitchen table and...

I was in a daze yesterday. My roommate left a note on the table that opened a brilliant new world and so far everyone says Go For It. All signs point to Go. Domino after domino falling. Piece after piece being laid before me.

But only if you feel God's peace, my aunt told me. If it's fear you're feeling, still go on ahead. But if it feels wrong. If it all feels out of place, then hold off and pray.

Sell everything and go.

That feels so right. It always has. I guess the real question of the day is, Go Where?

To truly love them

 I try to live my life as an example, by example. Pastor Dan at church calls it an "arrows pointed out" approach to life, the giving of one's self and everything one owns... Giving of my time. Giving of my experience. Giving of my friendships. Giving of money.

But then Eileen tells me a story today about a mother with a 9 week old baby who falls out of a bus and gets run over by three cars and that's the end of her life... it happened in KC this past Saturday. The same day I was riding around in a limo, eating CPC on the plaza and drinking tequila and dancing salsa until 2am....

The juxtaposition amazes me.

You only get one life, she tells me this morning. Live every day as if it's your last...

So what am I living this life for? I do have my goals. I do have my driving ambitions. To run a 10k in under 60 minutes... To lose 20 lbs. . . to have a family and a home and to travel and experience all God has to offer in this life...

To touch other people's lives...

I know this is really my calling. I've known for a long time that relationships are my passion. That the brokenhearted need love and I long to love them. The forgotten need friends. The drifters need focus. The unforgiving need someone to show them forgiveness. The self-loathers need someone to love them.

Man, we all want love. I want to love all and love well. He's given me a strange and unique calling because I am unable to judge and I easily forgive. I love without question and always look for the good. I get hurt and I always, always turn the other cheek (not always the best decision, no matter what the preachers say). Yes, I can be jealous. Yes, I can be deceiving. I'm certainly not perfect. But I know myself and my weakness. Yes, I make friends easily and I know that and rely on that and I shouldn't. Yes, I know that (for whatever reason, it's really beyond me) people gravitate towards me and love me and want to be my friend. Maybe it's just that I truly truly love them and who really does that anymore?

I wish I could dedicate my life to this. But how?

Being a Yes person

A friend of mine is going to her senior prom this Saturday. Her date sent her roses last night. She txt'd me, uploaded a photo. She is beautiful and I wish her all the joys in the world.

I am going with her, riding in the limo with her even, this Saturday. We're taking pictures in Mission Hills. Going to dinner on the plaza. The limo will drop her and her friends and her date off at the prom and take the remainder of us back. I am amazed and humbled by being included in this experience. What is this life that throws such experiences my way? I just spent an hour on the internet looking for something to wear. . .

I think it's about saying yes. I know I just posted a blog a couple days ago about my need to say "no" every once in a while.... and that's true. But in general, I am a "yes" person. Do you want to come with me to meet two of my oldest friends in a bar? We'll drink beer and share stories that you won't know the background of, but it'll be fun... Yes! Do you want to meet me at Buffalo Wild Wings? I know we've only met maybe once or twice before you're a cool person and it'll be fun... Yes! Do you want to buy this Groupon for ziplining and it's outside of Columbia on this random day in the fall but I'm inviting a friend of mine and it'll be fun... Yes!

Do you want to... Yes!

I have most of my best experiences in life by saying "yes".

I think most people are "no" people. Especially past a certain age. And maybe saying no is mistaken for growing older. Growing more mature. No, we have kids and can't find a sitter. No, I have to work tomorrow. No, I've already gotten home and I don't want to leave...

It's 9:50 at night. I'm off work. The next day, I work at 6a. I have a missed call. I check my voicemail. He wants me to call him back. I do. . .  Then I have a decision to make. One choice will take me home and put me showered and ready in bed around 10:30. The other... well, we never quite know where the other leads, do we? Isn't that just it? The not knowing. The control we give up.

I made my choice.

I got two hours of sleep that night. And it was worth it.

I am a "yes" person after all. . .