What's so good about choosing happiness?

"What's so good about choosing happiness?"

He had the covers pulled up to his chin. The space heater glowed in the semi darkness. It was cold-- bone chilling cold and she had let it in when she'd opened the door. She folded her legs underneath her and cocked her head. He blinked sleepily at her.

What a ridiculous question.

She had no idea how to respond. Who wouldn't choose happiness?

"What do you mean?" She decided to play it safe and coax it out of him. No sense in getting defensive.

"I mean," he turned his head to meet her eyes, "that there's something to be said for all the emotions God gave us. Shouldn't we experience them all?" The words hung in the air. She swallowed. Visions of her own self, laying on the floor of the basement, sobbing, her heart breaking, her tears soaking the carpet, swam before her eyes. In her silence, he continued, "If we experience and really know the deepest depths of sadness, if we can go to that place and then move on past it, we know we can take it. I would be grateful for such an experience. Afterward, I would know that I can withstand anything because I've already been as low as I can go."

"Sure, there's that," she acquiesced. "But let me be the first to say that I've gone as low as I thought I could go... then I've gone lower."

Waking up in the middle of the night. So sure her brother was alive. So sure there had been a mistake. Realizing it was a dream. He was gone. He would always be. There was no mistake. The heartbreak that followed. . . the salt water and remorse soaking her pillow.

 "You can't stay there," she finished. "You have to choose to move on."

"Okay." His pause was contemplative. There was a slight buzz in the room. She glanced at the clock. They always stayed up so late. She didn't want to stay up so late. "But still, it seems like living your life only focusing on being happy, you lose out on all the other things we can feel. Maybe we can even push those other emotions aside, maybe we don't deal with what we need to."

It was 10:52. She gave them until 11. She crossed her legs, put her chin in her hand, Took a deep breath.

"Perhaps you are right. Perhaps some people do push bad things aside and don't deal with them like they should. I'm sure I've done that. I'm sure in the past year I've done that multiple times. But, that's not what I'm talking about. If nothing, Focus taught me that I need to dig up and face the things in my past that drag me down. But I can't hold on to those things. I need to realize the impact they've had on my life and then... I need to choose the life I want for my future. I want a happy future. God wants a happy future for me."

"Well you're right," he amended. "God does want us to be happy."

She nodded.

"And happiness is a choice."

He chuckled.

"Yes, you're right."

She stood, chilly and tired. Bed time. The conversation was exhausting. This lifestyle of hers was a difficult one. Pushing away the negative thoughts, Letting Go. Creating her own happiness... it wasn't easy. She imagined it might become easier in time. It might become second nature. It would become a lifestyle, not something she consciously moment by moment had to decide for herself.

Finally, some Practicality

Obviously, God is teaching me a hard lesson on happiness. Honesty time. All my life, I've struggled with bouts of incredible desperation. I think this is common of most people. The reality is that we were made for paradise and we do not live in paradise. We were made for communion with the Creator and often our relationship with Him seems to fall short (or is nonexistent). Of course humanity struggles with depression. We are often not who we were created to be nor living the life we were created to live.

So in light of all this, how can we choose happiness? It's a nice little phrase. Catchy. Rolls off the tongue. Makes someone look super enlightened and super spiritual when they say it. But I am one of the most hard core practical people you'll ever meet (I know, ironic). When I hear anything, my very first thought is... Okay. What do I DO with this? What does this actually look like day to day? What can I do?

Give me my 12 steps.

So, after sitting down with my coffee and processing over the past few days/weeks/months, I've come up with a non-inclusive list of practicalities of choosing happiness every day.

In no particular order (but maybe they should be in one):

Be grateful. Say out loud at least once a day, "I am so grateful for..." and list at the very least, one thing. We do this around Thanksgiving... I'm overloaded with posts on my newsfeed of the 30 days of gratitude. Sad that it ends there... Choosing to be thankful is choosing happiness.

Pray for at least one person a day who is not yourself. It can be your kids, your spouse, your co-worker, your siblings, your neighbor, or (better yet) that one person who irritates the daylights out of you. Choosing to honestly care about another person is choosing happiness.

Think of a person you will meet today. Think of a way to bring them happiness. Not so they like you more, but just to pay it forward. Bring them coffee. Call them up and say Hello. Post something nice on their Facebook. Send them a quick "thinking of you" txt. Do the dishes. Buy them groceries. Offer to babysit their kids for an afternoon. Forgive a debt. Etc.  Do this at least once a day. Every day. Be intentional. Choose to think about someone other than yourself and you are choosing happiness.

Take care of yourself. Get out and get active. Even if it's taking the stairs instead of the elevator. Even if it's choosing to turn down that chocolate cake. Taking care of yourself triggers happiness for yourself in your brain. Sometimes, the above step (doing something nice for someone else) is so much easier than doing something nice for ourselves. Choosing to treat ourselves right is part of choosing happiness.

<And then, one of the most difficult and yet one of the most vital parts of Choosing Happiness>

Think about the situation(s) that are weighing heavily on your heart. The things that keep happiness from us. The things that make us want to curl into a ball on our bed and not come out. Pray about them. Even if they seem huge. Even if it seems like God doesn't care. Even if you cannot possibly see a way out. Even if your burden is so heavy, it is making you sick. Pray. If you're not sure how, it can go something like, "God, (insert issue) is a huge deal to me. And God, honestly, it seems like you don't care. God, I cannot possibly see a way out of this. God, this burden is so heavy, it is making me sick." When you feel comfortable, add, "I can't fix this on my own. Please help me." When are even more comfortable, after you pray this prayer, consciously train your mind to let go of the problem and stop worrying about it. This will free up more of your mind to choose Happiness.


If this seems like a bunch of trite advice, just start with one. One a day. Move to two or more every day. Move to living in the reality of the above words. Move to infusing your life with gratitude and positive thoughts and prayer and Letting Go. Find others to keep you accountable. Surround yourself with people who are practicing the above attributes. Let Go of those who choose not to.

Choosing to surround yourself with positive people makes choosing happiness infinitely easier.

I'm sure there are other things, but the above practices have radically changed my life. And when I feel myself slipping and forgetting, falling back into sadness, feeling overwhelmed...  I have friends that I have purposefully placed in my life who tell me (weekly, daily) Barb, you choose your own happiness. Don't stay in your bedroom all day. Don't mope. Don't complain. Go Be Happy.

Amen for that.

Becoming Myself

Honesty time. I constantly let other people define me. Why do I put up that front... be who I think they want me to be... try to read their minds, try to rehearse the way I think I should act so maybe they'll like me and approve of me... (I want that raise, I want that person to be my friend, I want them to like me, I want my bosses to support me, I want that guy to fall in love with me...) and then I hate myself and hate my life when they don't?

When they don't book me as their photographer.
When they don't laugh at my jokes.
When they don't ask me out.
When they don't care what I have to say.
When they don't make time for me
or support me
or listen to me
or care.

And then I don't try. I show up and say Forget This to the world and all it's inhabitants and I decide-- really decide that they can take me or leave me and I don't care what they think and I'm just going to be this crazy person who probably talks too much and isn't as "professional" as she should be and she leaves dishes in the sink and goes to bed at 2am and buys finger paints and looks her boss straight in the eye and says "No, I didn't get it done" because she didn't and she refuses to make an excuse. She is the person who makes eye contact with every person she comes in contact with and says Hello, unashamed. Firm handshake. She belongs here. She speaks up and speaks her mind but chooses her words carefully because she is a thoughtful person. She expresses her opinions and includes people in inside jokes and makes people feel loved because...

well, because she loves them for who they are and not what they can do for her.

Because she doesn't need them to tell her who she is.
Or validate her life.
Or give her purpose
or meaning.

I mean, we are all community people
--me most of all--
and I know I am not a rock and I need people and community and to feel that love and support.

However, just because I could become the best for everyone (and I believe that),
not everyone is the best for me
and I need to let go
of those that bring me down
and I need to stop trying so hard
to win them over.

I am perfectly loved and I am becoming perfected day in and day out into the glorious person God created me to be.

Amen.

Where do I belong?

Depressed.

What a funny word for laying on the bed, curled around my blanket, staring blankly at the wall. I guess I hide it well. Well, mostly.

Been this way since I moved.

Empty room. Tomb. White washed walls, dead.
Space, abnormally filled,
off kelter
I don't fit
My stuff doesn't fit.
I do not belong here.

Depressed.

I do not belong here.

But where do I belong?





california beckons...

Is this it?

She awakes. It is 8am. She wants to go back to bed. Till... 10? 11? 12? What's the point of waking up? It's her day off. What does she have to do? Nothing. She wishes she could just skip this day. There's nothing to wake up for. Might as well stay where she is. Why not just wake up tomorrow? Tomorrow is when she's needed. . . . .

She awakes. It is 8am. She works at 9. But... who cares? It's just retail. Who will notice if she's missing? She's easily replaced. She's just one person in a hundred. No one will even notice. If she didn't need the money. . . 

It's 7pm. She's off work. Home. Dinner's made. 

And

There is nothing. 

Just emptiness. 

Just a space before she goes back to work tomorrow. 

Watch a movie

Drinks some wine

and more wine

and more 

until

She awakes

To go to work. 

Is this it? 

Is this IT???

IS THIS IT??????

I cannot believe it's true.

Read: 

http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B00CTPIBQY/ref=oh_d__o00_details_o00__i00?ie=UTF8&psc=1

I promise. It will encourage your life..  . . .  

it did mine

Dear God

I got a text first thing this morning. An unexpected hiccup. A change in plans. My sister needs her car back. Her circumstances have changed and now she needs a way to get to work. That makes sense. I told her it would be no problem. Inside, my first instinct was of mild panic. How on earth am I going to find another car to drive in two weeks? I got this message right before Marcail and I walked outside for our last morning-hot-tub excursion our last day in California. In the hot tub, my mind bounced from one idea to another. Maybe I could do This or maybe I could call That Person or maybe I could use my insurance and rent a car or...

Let Go.

It was so clear, somebody might as well have spoken it out loud.

Stop trying to plan and control. Stop worrying.

Let Go.

So I laid my head back on the cement and I prayed. Dear God, I really need a new car. Soon. Please. Somehow, I don't know how. But I need one. Thank you. Amen.

I was a child putting my needs in the hands of my daddy.

It was so simple.

Could it be so simple?

All this time, was this all that I needed to do?

Dear God, please give me the ability to pay down my debts. Please make it possible for me to move to California. This time next year would be good. I would really like that. Thank you. Amen.

Father God, I really want to book some weddings this summer. Please send me brides and grooms with whom I'd be a good fit. I would love to do at least 10 weddings, but you want to bless me with more, I will not complain. I do not want to limit you. Thank you. Amen.

Father, thank you for all the blessings you've given me. Thank you that I got to photograph an engagement shoot on the beach. That was amazing. Thank you for keeping Marcail and I safe. Thank you for all the wonderful people who were so hospitable to us out in California. Thank you for bringing some clarity to my life. Thank you that you want me to be happy. I love you. Thank you for loving me.

Amen

Tattoo

As an aside, I've nearly decided on my next tattoo. I've really known what I've wanted to do for a long time. Very simple. Very profound (to me at least). Unfortunately, when I googled it, I found my idea wasn't very original. In fact, the below photo is exactly what I wanted. I mean. Exactly. Good to know.

Let go. On my wrist. A reminder. 

Let go 

of fear

expectation

longing

hurt

loneliness

that ONE PERSON you just cannot get over

control

regret

pain

jealousy

expectation

control

envy

lust

the past

the future

what should happen

how people see me

control

expectation

. . . .

can you tell what I struggle with?

The inspiration of living with Hope

I have been inspired on this trip
to read more
and maybe finally
publish my own book.
Yes, it's true.

I have made designs to
make more
connections.
Meet more
people.
Dream bigger,
be more decisive
and above all,
live with hope.
Don't live my life for others.
Make every decision mine.
Own up.
Good decisions and
even the ones that turn out not so good,
do them for me
and my future
and what I feel I'm called to.
Then at least I will know I
followed my heart
and did not follow
someone else.

There is a great big world out there
just waiting,
an enormous story begging to be
written.
A million perfect photographs to take,
a million more times to look at God's creation
in awe.
The sunset over the ocean.
A wave crashing on the beach.
There are people to meet and
knowledge to be gained
and friendships to be forged.

Don't give up on this life
it has just begun.

I live with that hope in my heart
and I notice
how it has changed me.

California Plan

I've been on a lot of vacations. I've had the great fortune of traveling and seeing lots of really great places. Mexico. Paris. Vancouver. Yellowstone. Boston. The Grand Canyon. Disneyworld...  and I've always thought to myself, oh, this is a nice place. I'm glad I came here. Wouldn't it be cool to live here? And then I go home and part of me is glad to be home with my friends and family and familiarity. I put my photos on a disk or print them out and put them in frames and dream of going back to visit.

This place, however. This place is different. I had a California plan in place this time last year. I almost took it to completion this past summer (remember me moving out of my apartment and selling practically everything I owned? Remember me moving in with James "temporarily" until I got my transfer out West?)

This trip has solidified everything I thought was true, everything I knew deep down inside about myself and everything I've been pushing aside for YEARS out of fear.

I belong here. In this place. In this part of the world. These are my people. This is my space. My air. My water. My waves. My sand. My sun. My breath. My life. It does not feel like vacation. It feels like coming home. It feels like waking up at 7am and drinking coffee and reading scripture and going for a run before my day starts. It feels like I know the lady behind the counter at the coffee shop because she deep down inside, knows me. That man handing me the soft corn taco? He is my brother. The girl with the wet suit and the board who follows me down to the beach is my sister. The guy in the VW Bus up ahead with the peace sign sticker, he is my father and my uncle and my best friend's grandpa.

I was so worried about making new friends. How silly. You know how many new friends I've made in the past 6 months alone?
I was worried about getting plugged into a church. That's laughable. Some of my most dear friends now I met at a church I started 4 months ago.
I was worried about fitting in at a new Target. Done and done.

God has taken me through every one of my fears right there in good old Kansas and I have triumphed them all. There is nothing to fear. Nothing to hold me back. The cold, dark winter will be there when I get back to KS but it doesn't have to be there for me forever.

But California is so expensive. You don't know anyone out there. People are mean. The traffic sucks.

Maybe so. But I'm not letting fear and doubt get in my way anymore. This is what I declare! 2014 will be the year I get my life back on track, straightened out, debt free and focused. I don't fully know what waits for me on the other side of this wall, but I do know it will be free and beautiful and where I belong. I'm pushing forward with my life and my California Plan is back on track. Man, this decision has never felt so right.

Drowning SuperBarb

I'm reading Velvet Elvis-- probably one of the best books on Christianity I own. It's interesting to read through this book and process some of its truths while I'm out here on vacation. First, it's the beginning of the year so I'm already going through some heavy life professing. Second, I'm in a new, fabulous place with lots of time to plan my future and question what I'm doing with my life and why I'm not living in California. Third, Rob Bell just reminded me that I need to be focusing completely on pursuing who God created me to be. If I'm not focused on that, then I am sinning.

Oh man.

So here I am.

So Im thinking about why I am where I am and why I'm doing what I'm doing. And who am I trying to please? Myself? My bosses? My friends? My family? All of the above? Rob Bell says that we all have a Supersomebody in our heads that we constantly compare ourselves to. So true. I have a SuperBarb. I found this out at Focus. SuperBarb is perfect and funny and skinny and has a great career and tons of friends and wakes up at 6am every day to read her bible and then she is rockstar at work and everyone admires her and wants to be like her and then she works out for 2 hours and then devotes an hour a day to reading and an hour a day to writing and playing guitar and then she goes to bed at 11pm every night...

This person needs to be killed. It's a nice idea. But trying to be that person stresses me out. And when I come face to face with the realization that I cannot be this person, I sabotage myself. And I do things I shouldn't. And I spend money I shouldn't. And I pursue things I think will make me feel better about myself but don't.

She needs to die. I need to take her out into the ocean and drown her. Or maybe feed her to a shark. Or maybe burn her in the firepit out back. Either way, she's not coming back home with me. She will die this week in California. Because there is something bigger for me out there than what I'm trying for. There is someOne more important than all these people I'm trying to impress. And you know what? Perhaps my purpose in life is not to impress anyone. I need to remember that my calling might be higher than that. I might be asked to do some crazy things. I might be called to a life that seems ridiculous to us here in the comfortable American middle class. I think these things because my heart craves these things and always has and I've stopped myself because I've been afraid of failure and of disappointment and of judgement.

SuperBarb doesn't try to surf for the first time with relative strangers. She'd be too afraid to fail. SuperBarb wouldn't say No to going out with friends over and over again in order to save money and pay down debt because she's too worried about hurting feelings. She wouldn't put her own health over other's comfort. She wouldn't go to bed early even though the roommates are still up. She wouldn't stand up for justice. She wouldn't cut out the harmful people in her life. She wouldn't choose water over wine at a dinner party or seek out God's plans for herself and whole heartedly run after them with blinders on.

So she deserves to die.

And this broken, vulnerable, trusting, courageous and loved woman will take her place.

He Spent Two Weeks In Haiti

And he txt'd me yesterday to tell me about it.

Oh man.

I am in trouble.

He was working in an orphanage. He loved it so much, he wanted to move there.

(this is a man I have dated
and took a break from.
We reconnected with this past November...)

I am in trouble.

I txt'd him back,
said I worked this weekend
and then was going to
California
but
we should go out
when I got back.

He said he would like that.

Oh man.

I am in trouble.

In light of my previous post,
Lord help me now.

So When Are you Going to Get a Boyfriend?

"Who asks that?"

"Everybody," she mumbled, her mouth full of chicken and rice. "They ask it like there's something wrong with me. Like I am purposefully not in a relationship by some grand design of my own."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah. And then it's usually followed with a, 'hey, when are you and your roommate going to finally get together...' which is simply awkward and unnecessary."

She was sitting in the breakroom at work, eating her dinner with a fellow manager and friend. He was eating a personal pan pizza and breadsticks from Pizza Hut. She was eating carefully weighed out and pre-portioned chicken and rice with a spinach salad. He had made fun of her meager dinner. She had pointed out that he was going to get fat from his own dinner and then his new wife would leave him for a younger man. He had laughed her off... then pushed his breadsticks to the side.

"How did you meet Melissa?" she asked, taking a bite of her salad.

He shrugged.

"Oh, I don't know. Friend of a friend. We started chatting and then hanging out and then hanging out more alone. I couldn't even tell you when our first date was." He laughed then. "Then one day she asked me if we were 'together' and I said 'sure'. We got married a year later."

"How romantic," she deadpanned. "You just got married, right? June?"

"Yeah, June."

Big Bang Theory was playing on the TV. She glanced up at it, caught a line, chuckled, looked back down. Took another bite of chicken. She caught him looking at her out of the corner of her eye.

"You were married, right?" he asked. Few people at her work knew this about her. It wasn't something she talked about.

"Yeah."

"You must've got married young."

"I did."

Twenty-Two was very young to get married, no matter what anybody said.

"Yeah, I waited. Thirty was the perfect age for me. I didn't really grow up until about a year ago." He laughed again. Took a bite of his pizza. "I was a partier. I mean, you know I still kinda am, but I was worse a couple years ago."

"Didn't you tell me you don't even remember your bachelor party?" she asked, a smirk on her face. He looked chagrined.

"I remember the first couple hours."

"And then you told me how hung over you were at your own wedding."

"Yeah, that was pretty bad."

"Well, whenever I get married again, I'm not going to have a big to-do I think. I think I want just a small get-together. Friends. Like at a little place in a vineyard. Good food. Maybe some wine. Live music. Some dancing. Intimate. You had a big wedding, right?"

"Oh, yeah, it was big. Melissa wanted a big, fancy thing. I wish I could've done something smaller. I mean, but I'm just the guy. I didn't really get a say."

"Yeah."

They lapsed into a pause. Sheldon said something funny on TV. She finished her chicken. It was almost time for them to go back.

"But don't worry," he said, before finishing off his pizza. "Whenever you want to get into a relationship, you will. I mean, when the right guy comes along, you know... you'll know."

"Well, if you've got any single friends..."

He laughed again. It was one of the things she enjoyed about him, that he laughed a lot. Sometimes at himself, sometimes at her. She didn't mind too much. He was only one of maybe three or four people at work that she spoke candidly with. He was one of the few she felt she could be herself around.

"Sure, sure, I'll keep an ear out. But in the meantime, don't worry about it. A girl like you doesn't need to be hanging off of some guy. You've got too much going for you."

She was flattered by the compliment. And a little bashful.

"Well thanks," she tried to shake it off. "I'll take that to heart."

"Well, yeah." He stood up to leave, grabbed his trash. "I meant it. Don't listen to those people. Your guy will come along."

She stood too. She didn't really know what to say, so she didn't say anything. She followed him back into the main room. They clocked back in.

"I'm going to check the line," he said then. Back to work. "If there aren't any pulls, I'm starting on abandons. I'll have the team start the zone."

"Ok. Sounds good, thanks." He was reporting to her. She was the one in charge. "Let me know what's on the line. Maybe I'll have softlines run from the fitting room for a while first."

"Will do."

They split up, went their separate ways. But his words still rattled in her ear. Don't worry about it. A girl like her didn't need to be hanging off of some guy. So true. So refreshingly honest. No, she didn't, did she? She was perfectly content and fine the way she was, wasn't she?

Folding clothes later, she let her mind wander a bit. Touching on life. On her relationships, on truth. She pondered the incredible night she had just passed with two of her friends in their cozy house. She thought about her roommates at home, probably cooking dinner together, eating rice and vegies and anything else that was on their collective diet... she thought about the guy she'd been texting and whether that was such a good idea or not...

She didn't need some guy to make her whole. She was whole as she was.

She was the only one responsible for her own happiness.

No thing and no one could define her.

She took a deep breath. Inhale. Exhale.

Thank you, God, for bringing her back to a place of completeness. Simple conversations to remind her of simple truths...

Unconditional Love

"Have you ever been unconditionally loved?"

She turns towards him, arms on the couch back, space heater on. "I mean, when they know everything and I mean *everything* about you but they love you. No judgement. No condemnation. Just acceptance. Just love. That was my weekend."

He had not experienced such a thing, that is evident by the look on his face.

"You didn't want to leave, did you?" He asks. She shakes her head. "Yeah," he says, "I could tell."

Aparently it was obvious.

She missed them the moment she walked out the door. She talked about them endlessly during the 90 minute drive home. She talked about moving to Emporia.

"Don't do that," he said. "I've lived there."

She laughed. She had laughed more in the past 36 hours than...

Coming home, sitting in front of the fireplace, she had said the words she'd wanted to say... words she had wanted everyone to hear. Unconditional love. He had just put down the guitar he'd been playing. She had gathered her book and journal. He'd turned off the fireplace. They were heading upstairs to bed. Unconditional love. She knew he longed for it just as she did. Just as every person with breath had a desire to be so loved.

Just as you are.

"They know everything?" He asks.

"Yeah," she says. "Pretty much."

Life. Mistakes. Choices. Regrets. Failures. Hopes. Dreams.

"Harmonie gave me some good advice. I love you and all, but its good to get other opinions from time to time. Shes more grounded than you and I are. Shes got that frankness of heart I need to hear sometimes. And I trust what she says."

He considers this.

She had been considering it for 48 hours. Love. Friendship. The common bond of belief and truth and purpose. What to do next.

Her sweater smells like lavender. She relishes the moment. She was sad to leave such a sacred place but she knew her purpose. She journaled it when she got home.

Happiness is a choice.

And the future is real and trustworthy and full of surprises. She knows this and will share this and will stand unafraid. How affirming to stand beside friends and affirm truth. How rare and how beautiful.

The fire goes out. They walk upstairs. Peace is in her heart. No more words need to be spoken and she can tell he's still contemplating the weight of her words.

Unconditional love on this side of Heaven. Could it be true?

This weight

I figured it out
This weight on my chest.
I don't trust.
Well, I do but
Very slowly.

Just follow God.
Everything will fall in to place.
Be in His will and
I can trust.
Long for his heart
Live a life searching for Him
And truth
And The Way
And your path will be made clear.
Step by step anyway.
Maybe not all at once but
Then what's the adventure in that?

Here I am.

There is still much darkness before me.

Even Harmonie said her life looked like a cake walk
Beside mine.
Choices.
Trusting.
Protecting my heart
(I've not been too good
At that)

Lead me. I will follow.
Say the word and I will go.
Hold my hand, I will stay.

I loose some things
Bind others.
Dating.
Alcohol.
Friendships.
Selfishness.
Not just what is displeasing but
That which does not bring glory.
The waste.
The emptiness.
The loss of time.
The self focus.
The inward pointing arrow.

But it doesn't hurt anyone.
But it feels so good.
Its just harmless fun.

But I cast away that which
Does not build me up.
Rubbish.
A waste of time.
Even if its not sin its
Just a
Waste.

And im done wasting this precious life.

Ok, Lord.
Im ready.
You're setting me up for something big here,
I thought I'd need another year to get back on
My feet but you're saying
No. Ive got this.

So, ok.
Lead on.
I'm starting to realize this is
Bigger than what I thought.
The idea excites me.
Reminds me
That I am not in control.
My ways are not Yours.
These grand ideas I have
Pale in comparison
To what lies ahead.

So ok.
Lead on.
I trust You.