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I feel as though I rediscovered something about myself that I'd lost. I had lost it, that's true. I'd lost it to others's expectations. I lost it to who I Thought I Should Be. I lost it to infatuation and trying to Live Up and... I lost it to Trying instead of Being.

Trying. I suck at trying. I can only hold on for so long. I will always screw it up. I will never live up. I will never be enough. I will never be good enough to get it. I need to accept that as the blessing it is... and move on.

I am.

It came to me while walking down to the Rivermarket this past Saturday morning. It came to me as I laughed at myself while eating eggs and hash-browns and ham at a tiny diner and then when walking back, I took a deep breath of the spring-like air and laughed again.

It came to me as I danced at O'Dowds Saturday night to Katy Perry's Dark Horse and I let go of Everything and just existed. I love to dance. I hadn't been out dancing since... maybe November? Maybe before? It came to me as I stood on the chilly sidewalk at 3am, flagging down a taxi. It came to me as I woke up the next day at 11am, sunlight streaming through the windows, regret touching briefly on my mind to flee away. No regrets. It came to me as I ate a brunch of homemade waffles stuffed with sausage and cheese and then later as I drove to work.

It came to me as I sat at the high top table at midnight with two of my co-workers Sunday night, sharing beer and stories and listening to hearts and needs and reaching out to fill that emptiness.

I am. This is me. This is who I am. Who am I to try to be anything else. I feel so free. So true. Not whole yet. Not yet complete, but on the right track.

Things and people I clung to to define me and make me feel special and give me solidarity I see now merely held me back. This is me.

Hello!

I Am

Who are you?

I believe everything in life boils down to that question. I believe everything we think and do and say and believe comes out of one thing and one thing alone... Identity.
Who are you? 
What defines you? 
Where does your power come from? (Do you even know you have power?)

Temet Nosce

Know Thyself.

Ask yourself this: Generally, what makes you feel most elated? Ecstatic? Joyful? Powerful? Now what makes you feel the most downtrodden? Stepped on? Deflated? Used? 

Is it the same thing? Does it come from the same origin? 

To use myself as an example (and to throw myself under the buss a bit here), I would say that my answer to the first question is simple: It's my interaction with people. I love it when people love me. People generally love me so this is something I've come to expect and delight in. However, on the opposite hand, when people don't take to me right away... or when they use me or discard me... that is the most crushing thing for me. That makes my world spin right out of control. 

I give people control over me. I let them define me. 

Who or what defines you? 

Do they deserve that control? 

Do you need to take it back? 

No they don't. And yes. Yes you do. 

It Has Begun

I've finally done it. I've written the outline for my next big project. What is that project you may ask? A book. A collection of ideas and studies and personal introspections and people's stories and interpretations and insights on... Happiness. You guessed it.

This journey that first began in a tiny room during Focus and keeps growing like a wild vine in my mind. A journey that is tempered by fire. A journey that has led me down some very, very dark places the past few months and has opened up the wound of this past year. A journey that has shown me joy in the midst of that dark. A journey that needs to be documented... encouragement, truth, insight.

Hey, I've been there. Where you are... what you are going through... trust me, in some way, I've been there too. Maybe our circumstances aren't the same but you deal with depression? Emptiness? Loneliness? Rage? Regret? Abuse? Purposelessness? Consuming guilt, grief, fear, doubt? Struggling with judgement or feeling judged? Not feeling worthy?

Don't know who you are?

Get caught up in the ongoing of life? Feel like THERE NEEDS TO BE MORE THAN THIS ?

My own interpretation has begun...

Living out of Belief

After church tonight I spent some time talking to a man I'd just met. I asked him about the church we were at. "Tell me about this church," were my exact words. The light that shone out of his face was blinding. His words bubbled over each other, sentence upon sentence, no commas or periods or conjunctions necessary...

When you believe in something so fully, so completely, it shows.

This man believed in the church he was attending and he believed in himself and he believed in something bigger than himself. He believed in his identity and his entire life was lived out of that belief. Amazing. It was amazing to see.

How incredible would it be if we all lived that way?

What I Learned At College

I had a photography instructor once who changed my view on life. His name was Kevin. I cannot recall his last name at this time but we all simply called our teachers by their first names and his name was Kevin and he was a photographer. He was known for being difficult. He taught Photo II at 8am on Friday morning and that is the absolute worst time and day to go hang out in the darkroom for 4 hours.

But one thing he said once, one of the truths that fell out of his mouth that I still reflect on today was this: Don't try to do something so hard that you miss out on something greater. He was talking about working with negatives in the darkroom, of course, but his words still resound to me today in almost all aspects of my life.

Don't try so hard to create something that you don't see something more wonderful you could create.
Don't try so hard to be something that you don't see something greater that you could be.

It's good to have goals and it's good to have dreams and to work toward those. But pure single-mindedness can lead to a very small life.

Don't try so hard to do something that you miss out on something better.

Maybe one of the single most important things I learned at college.

Valentine's Day

Happy Valentine's Day! Hallmark holiday comments aside, I actually have always liked Valentine's Day. It's a bright spot in the midst of a terrible winter. I was married for many years and so Valentine's Day became another day we made dinner and watched a movie and drank a bottle of wine (oh, and gave each other some gift of some sort). Last year, single, I made dinner and watched a movie and drank a bottle of wine with a good friend of mine and we didn't have to spend money on a needless gift. This year, I'm going bouldering. Why, you may ask? Because it is something I freakin want to do and it's high time I stop doing what I think I should do and I do what I want. I invited people. People are coming with me. I would've gone by myself. But I quite enjoy the company.

Story of my (new and incredible and happy) life.

Be yourself. Be a light. Blaze a trail and people will follow.

Still Waiting for It To Be Second Nature...

A good friend asked me the other day how I was doing. Out of the blue. Random. Seemingly, anyway. I thought of how to respond. It was via txt so it wasn't like I could go into detail. But then I'm not one to throw around "I'm fine" like the commoner...

"I'm mostly good. Life is alternately extremely difficult and extremely wonderful," I txt'd her back.

She responded with, "Lol, that is indeed life!!! Never a dull moment!!!"

Truth.

I still lay in bed sometimes. Eyes closed. Body exhausted. Tired. Tired. So tired. I don't want to get out of bed, I don't need to, I close at work tonight, I could lay here forever, what is the point of getting up? I could lie here till 2:30pm.... how tempting...

But I do get up. The kitchen is a mess so I clean it. The fridge is cluttered and half of it is out of date. I clean that too. Put on some coffee. Make some eggs. Decide the bathroom is dirty (which is truly is). I clean that too. It is 11am. I go downstairs to my computer.

Pay some bills, make some appointments, organize my life.

My world is at a standstill. My world is falling a part. Everything is changing. I don't handle change well. I lay awake at night, 12:57 the green words glow at me condescendingly. I need to wake up at 5am... at work, my mind flits from one topic to another, landing on the old familiar path.. I'm not good enough. I will never be good enough. This is too much. Life is too much. I will always be alone. All I wanted... this promotion and this life and this reality was all I ever wanted... that was all I ever wanted... now it's gone. Gone. Gone. Gone. Will most likely never be. There is nothing left.

"Choose happiness", the little voice whispers.

I push it away.

"Choose happiness," the voice is firmer. In my mind's eye, I see what that means. I see the words I've written on paper. I see the truth I've journaled about... blogged about...  It is a vision that is at once alluring and infuriating. I shove it away vindictively.

"What are you thankful for?" The voice pleads. "Who are you blessing today? Who are you praying for today? What is Bigger than You today?"

And it's right. That little, annoying, terrible, beautiful, truthful voice is right.

I am thankful for the house I am living in. I am thankful that I can save money. I want to bless my co-manager today. I want to find out what he needs done and I want to do it for him because he relies on his own self too much and it stresses him out. I'm praying for my roommate and friend today that he makes wise decisions and that he is blessed by the efforts of his hands. The needs of the team under me are bigger than me today. I will put off what I want to get accomplished at work tonight to administer to the needs of the team.

And that's it. There you go. That's seriously all it takes. Really. I promise.

Refocus. Resolve. Re purpose.

The sadness is gone. Just. Like. That. The smile comes easily to my face. I make eye contact with everyone I come in contact from. I laugh when something strikes me as funny (whether anyone else laughs or not.. usually not..). I am back to myself. Goofy, silly, loving, focused Me. Out of the dark and into the light.

Choose Happiness.

Oh, I'm still waiting for that day that it becomes second nature.

it is Our Choices that Define Us

This title is one I've posted before. And it has never been more apt...

In the past 10 days, I have been inundated with emails and txts and encouraging words. Why, you may ask? Well, I will give the credit where it is due... and it is because of this blog. I can't even comprehend the heartbreaking and beautiful and tragic and incredible words that have been given to me as gifts in regards to the past few blogs I've been posting.

Choose Happiness.

#Happinessisachoice

Oh. My. Goodness.

It. Is. So True.

And when you choose that happiness... when it radiates in you and from you... you'll know. You will become a light.

I'm not joking. I cannot tell you how many times I've heard that.

You will radiate light.

A light will shine from within you.

You simply... Glow. I can't describe it any other way. You're glowing...

I swear, it's not me or us. It's Him. I'm just choosing to live in the joy that He's given me. Happiness is a choice.

Love is a choice.

Positivity is a choice.

Taking an awkward or difficult situation and turning it in a positive light... that's a choice.

Taking the higher ground... that is a choice.

Refraining from saying that One Thing you really want to say... realizing in the end it does more damage than good... that is a choice.

Truly wanting the best for those who have wronged us... that is a choice.

Being content with what we have instead of always wanting more.. . that is a choice.

But how do we get there? How do we get to that point? Where we dwell in positivity and take the higher ground and we hold our tongues and we have compassion on "sinners" and we live with contentment...

I'll flesh that out in coming blogs, don't be discouraged. Maybe more questions will come than answers but you get the gist for now...