Not a vague one today...

I've been told I've been vague in these blogs as to the goingsons in my life and I suppose the point of this blog is to keep in contact with friends and family I don't regularly keep in contact with so being vague doesn't really help. Let me shed some light.

Jered signed a lease with his friend Cameron and they're living in Olathe and he'll be there for the next 13 months. He'd moved out of our house sometime in mid-October although things weren't going well before then. I'd been living by myself since then and it didn't sit well with me. I'm not a by myself kindof girl and I found that I didn't stay home much which led to lots of money spent and piles of dirty clothes and a life in various states of disarray. Thankfully, Madison is moving in with me today. She signed a 6 month lease because neither one of us can think beyond 6 months at this point.

In the past three months, I've spent lots of time in P&L, Westport and downtown in various ways. I've got to go to concerts and see ballets and travel some and visit with old friends and make some new ones. I've watched movies I've always wanted to watch and do things I've always wanted to do. It's been an exciting adventure, but this girl is worn out and ready to settle in for a winter's rest.

If you would've told me at this time last year that this would be my life now, I would not have believed you. But that's not bad. I knew back then even that Something Big had to change. I've known it for a long time. I guess we just needed a catalyst.

What does the future hold? I don't know. I hung out with Jered yesterday. I helped him move more things out of the house and I followed him to his new apartment and helped him move in. Moving Karma, dontchaknow? We even grabbed lunch together. Buffalo Wild Wings. We drank a couple beers and ate some food and discussed life.

And you know what we decided? Life is messy. There really is no Right Way all the time. There isn't always a Black and White and sometimes God does things that don't seem to make sense. But Madison moving in with me makes sense. And Cameron and Jered moving in together makes sense. And maybe us getting married so young wasn't right. And maybe us moving off to Hannibal together and buying a house really wasn't right.

So what is right?

Where were the signs we missed? Were there signs? Was there some other path I missed?

And this is my greatest fear. Right There.

That I will miss out. Miss the big picture. Miss the party. Miss my future. Miss the one I was supposed to be with. Miss the calling laid out for me. I can say that I will pray that God reveals those things to me, but it's the same prayer I've had since I was 16 years old. Before college, before marriage, before moving and life and death and circumstances slowly stole my sense of who I was.

Who am I and how do I fit into the Grand Scheme of things?

Just some thoughts as I worked out this morning. . .

That space between

Christmas is over. New Years Eve is next Monday. Not sure what I'm doing for New Years. I work Monday and Tuesday so it's not like I can go wildandcrazy. Not that I would. Really.

But I've always disliked this time between Christmas and New Years. When something is finished, I like to put it behind me. If it's a notsogreat or stressful experience, I like to pretend almost like it didn't happen even. So when Christmas is over, I hate the way Christmas commercials are still on TV. I hate that the radio still plays the occasional Christmas song. I dislike all the Christmas decorations and the celebrations. And I wish we didn't make such a big deal out of New Years. I don't like the stress of a life unplanned (as I've mentioned here in this blog before). And while I do like to hold on and enjoy the ride, there are certain social situations that stress me out.

New Years is a good example. I hate the pressure of having to *do* something. And usually I ignore this pressure but also I am a jealous person and I don't like the idea of other people all collectively out having fun while I'm not doing anything. I hate being asked What I'm Doing for New Years. I hate that pressure.

But I will do something. Something is in the works as we speak. I'm not the kind of person to let the opportunity pass by.

Stubborn Love

Some days I simply feel broken,
the path is so unclear before me
in so many ways.
That fork in the road? Laughable.

I'm in a maze.

I've given up deciding what is the
right thing
to do.

But I know what is wrong.

And I can feel it in my gut.

I am much more afraid than
I let on
to myself
most of all.


ps, the title comes from The Lumineers. Boy I'm in love with that album.

Set Free

Sat by the fireplace last night
four hours, one coffee, one breakfast burrito...
and he set me free.

Just like that.

(There's so much more in my head)

I'm coming to a place where
I can trust
God to direct our paths
knowing we each want the same thing...

whatever that may be...

Love Hate relationship with Christmas

I went out with my dad last night. We caught dinner and went back to his place. See, I told him I'd help him put up his Christmas Tree. I hadn't helped him put up his tree since I'd gotten married. Although to be fair, last year was the first time he'd put up a tree in 5 years.

This time of year has not been kind to my family.

I was glad to be there last night with my dad. We went up in the attic and brought all the Christmas stuff down. I hadn't even been in the attic in years. There was my wedding dress. 2 graduation gowns. My dollhouse that Dad and Lisa had build. Magazines and books and toys and stuffed animals and more barbie stuff than you could count. It was amazing.

Searching through the Christmas tub, I found mountains of decorations I forgot existed. I found Micah and my's stockings. The ornament we bought in '96 when us kids moved in with Dad and Lisa. Our cactus ornaments. The cross-stitch I made when I was 12. A paint by numbers village that we once set up on a pile of cotton to look like snow.

I did not find lights. Bummer.

So we put off the actual tree decorating for another day. But we lit a fire in the fireplace. Turned off the lamps. The tree sat, dark in the corner.

Oh, Christmas.

I'm not a huge fan of you.

I know it's Jesus's birthday and all that but....

Needless to say, I'm not putting a tree up at my place.

Life. . .

What is life? Is it made up of amazing moments and then the notsogreat ones? Should I be contented with the valleys and peaks of life? Should I settle for respectability without passion? Contentedness without question? Predictability without fear of the unknown?

I had a conversation a couple weeks ago. It was about my fear. My fear to close my eyes, spread out my arms and jump. I was speaking of my mom. About how she's never been afraid to do these things yet it hasn't always worked out for her. Some of her life decisions have led her down some harmful paths... life choices I myself don't want to make. I want to learn from her life. Take the good. Avoid the bad. In my situation, how can I tell the difference? I was told by my friend that I need to quit fearing my mother's life and live my own. He said that yes, sometimes bad things happen as a result of our choices but Everything Happens For A Reason.

Can I believe that?

I try.

Today was a good day. Some days aren't good. Some days everything falls in line and I feel One with the Universe and I know my place and it is good.

Other days, not so good.

That is life.

But today. Today, I know in my heart of hearts what reality is for me and while it isn't perfect by Hollywood standards, it's clear enough for me to rest on it and be contented in my own way. I don't always understand myself. I don't understand the music video to Mumford and Son's "The Cave" but I still think it's awesome and funny and perfect.

I don't know what the future holds. I just know I want to ride each wave as it comes. Take each run as I find it. Take each moment. Take each breath. Relish in the now.

They call me a hippie. Maybe this is what they mean....



'Cause I need freedom now
And I need to know how
To live my life as it's meant to be

Productive Day

My life is full and beautiful and inspired and amazing. Maybe I'm still standing on the top of the mountain in my head. Either way, must keep moving forward while in this mind frame.

However, this morning, I got back on my trail, laid in the grass under the sun, listed my house with a realtor out in Hannibal, unpacked, did all my laundry, canceled The Knot and bought several Christmas presents online. It's not even noon. Holy crap, I'm on a roll.

I need to keep surrounding myself with such incredible and positive people in my life. Man, I really hated leaving Stephanie out in Denver. She is crazy and full of a vitality that I don't find often. However, I was glad to get back home and look at my calendar and see it so full of friends and experiences and the fullness of a life well lived, I didn't mind too much leaving the mountains behind. For now.

How to live contentedly right where I am instead of wishing I was someplace else... that's forefront in my mind. Realizing that location changes nothing. Realizing that I am whole and complete as I am with what I have... I have my list of "life components" as I will call them and as long as I can be disciplined enough to live that balanced of a life, all will go well. What is important to me? I need to keep focused, of course, but in the meantime I'm insanely blessed with a great job and fantastic friends and a loving and supporting family... My December is full of live shows and cookie bakes and visiting friends...

Yes, I'm still on a high, I know that. But man, I'm going to enjoy it while it lasts!

This one might be a little difficult

This next poem is going to probably be depressing to some people who know me. Roll with it here. I've committed myself to honesty. With others. With myself. I want to live a completely honest life. So here we go.


Just After We Almost Ran Out of Gas

I still have that instinct
to pray.
And I stop myself,
not because I don't believe in God,
I do, but
belief is standing on the other side.
See, if love is a choice,
I have chosen. And if Jesus
wants to love me,
by all means,
He can go right on ahead.

But that won't keep my family safe
or start my car
or protect me from my own decisions.

So I stop myself.
No sense in prolonging the inevitable.

Driving Out in Eastern Colorado

There is a solitude on the High Plains.
I know why people settled here and
I know why they'd go mad.

I recall as a child, day dreaming not about
wedding dresses or princesses or ponies
but of setting off
into the woods.
By myself.
I was probably 8 or 9.
At the age of 11, I had it all planned.
The beautiful emptiness
and the great, wide future.

My heart has always been
in love. Captivated. Filled
with such longing.

I feel it keenly, now, that call.
To nowhere in particular, just
setting off.
Dangerous, those thoughts in my head.

Prepare yourself.
One day you will knock on my door and
I'll be gone.
Just.
Like.
That.

What's Holding You Back?

She stands, arms folded, eyebrow raised,
my future in the air between us.
That fork in the road, My Question the
sign post.

It feels like I have so much to lose yet
as a whole, they are but trappings
of a life I
didn't want so much as fell into,
one choice after another,
Alice falling down and down...
And my Cheshire cat with that grin
all the while leading me on.

Wonderland is a high school play,
a mere prelude
for after the curtain call.

I guess, then,
that answers that.

Post Vacay blog

omg. Where do I begin? How can I sum up 3 1/2 amazing days in one blog? To Denver to Breckenridge back to Denver and back home. Just saying, our talking about never coming back was mostly joking. Maybe half joking. Target is lucky, that's all we have to say.

Each day, we asked each other what our favorite moment of the day was. I'll share mine here. On Saturday, I had two. The first was when we were driving from Denver to Breck. Jenna was driving and there was a moment when we were driving through the brown mountains and through this break, I could see the snow white peaks up ahead. Time stopped. I took my phone out and snapped a picture. We drew closer and closer and we wound through the mountains and you could see the jagged edges climbing on each side and ahead were these brilliant peaks...

For my second on Saturday, it was on the mountain itself. I was standing at the edge of this huge drop on a blue run and I stood there for a few moments with Jenna waiting like the patient saint she was at the bottom of the drop. I was scared to death, I'd already biffed it a couple times but at that moment, I said to myself, f* it, I'm going. And I went straight over. And coasted. And turned in a wide arc around the bottom, around Jenna, and over the next edge. Amazing.

And then there's the hot tub. Oh, and then there's dinner.

Dinner Saturday night was at a little local bar a couple blocks off Main in Breckenridge. James and I were just hungry but Jenna also wanted to watch the Kstate game. Anyway, all I can say is it was The Best Food Ever. Hands down. Best quesadilla. Best clam chowder. Best burger. Best Eggplant Parmesan. Best sweet potato fries. Best whiskey and diet. Or maybe we were starving and exhausted. Either way.

Sunday, we awoke in Breck and decided to get breakfast on Main then go up the mountain. We parked by the gondola and walked a couple blocks to this cafe/breakfast place. Breakfast was pretty amazing. Skiing after breakfast was also pretty amazing. I actually took skiing classes so it was a much slower pace (I was pretty sore, anyway) but very nice and relaxing.

My favorite moment Sunday was probably not on the slopes at all but when we went out to dinner with Stephanie and George. Jenna dropped James and I back off at Steph's house in Denver (Jenna lives in CO springs) and we met up with her and George and went out to this British Pub type place. Very cool. Good food. Good company. Good conversation. Very chill, relaxed. Perfect ending. And it helps that we went back to George's apartment for some handcrafted beer and a midnight jam session including three guitars and two djembes afterward. Heck yeah.

Today was just driving. But it was a beautiful, relaxing drive filled with good company and good music and good food (pizza from Casey's? Heck yeah). 9 1/2 hours gave me time to think, process, rest, and write some poetry (which I'm sure I'll post here later).

First on the list of thought processes, What in the heck am I doing living in Kansas? There is no way that I belong here. Colorado. California. But not the midwest.

I am planning my escape.