A good friend asked me the other day how I was doing. Out of the blue. Random. Seemingly, anyway. I thought of how to respond. It was via txt so it wasn't like I could go into detail. But then I'm not one to throw around "I'm fine" like the commoner...
"I'm mostly good. Life is alternately extremely difficult and extremely wonderful," I txt'd her back.
She responded with, "Lol, that is indeed life!!! Never a dull moment!!!"
Truth.
I still lay in bed sometimes. Eyes closed. Body exhausted. Tired. Tired. So tired. I don't want to get out of bed, I don't need to, I close at work tonight, I could lay here forever, what is the point of getting up? I could lie here till 2:30pm.... how tempting...
But I do get up. The kitchen is a mess so I clean it. The fridge is cluttered and half of it is out of date. I clean that too. Put on some coffee. Make some eggs. Decide the bathroom is dirty (which is truly is). I clean that too. It is 11am. I go downstairs to my computer.
Pay some bills, make some appointments, organize my life.
My world is at a standstill. My world is falling a part. Everything is changing. I don't handle change well. I lay awake at night, 12:57 the green words glow at me condescendingly. I need to wake up at 5am... at work, my mind flits from one topic to another, landing on the old familiar path.. I'm not good enough. I will never be good enough. This is too much. Life is too much. I will always be alone. All I wanted... this promotion and this life and this reality was all I ever wanted... that was all I ever wanted... now it's gone. Gone. Gone. Gone. Will most likely never be. There is nothing left.
"Choose happiness", the little voice whispers.
I push it away.
"Choose happiness," the voice is firmer. In my mind's eye, I see what that means. I see the words I've written on paper. I see the truth I've journaled about... blogged about... It is a vision that is at once alluring and infuriating. I shove it away vindictively.
"What are you thankful for?" The voice pleads. "Who are you blessing today? Who are you praying for today? What is Bigger than You today?"
And it's right. That little, annoying, terrible, beautiful, truthful voice is right.
I am thankful for the house I am living in. I am thankful that I can save money. I want to bless my co-manager today. I want to find out what he needs done and I want to do it for him because he relies on his own self too much and it stresses him out. I'm praying for my roommate and friend today that he makes wise decisions and that he is blessed by the efforts of his hands. The needs of the team under me are bigger than me today. I will put off what I want to get accomplished at work tonight to administer to the needs of the team.
And that's it. There you go. That's seriously all it takes. Really. I promise.
Refocus. Resolve. Re purpose.
The sadness is gone. Just. Like. That. The smile comes easily to my face. I make eye contact with everyone I come in contact from. I laugh when something strikes me as funny (whether anyone else laughs or not.. usually not..). I am back to myself. Goofy, silly, loving, focused Me. Out of the dark and into the light.
Choose Happiness.
Oh, I'm still waiting for that day that it becomes second nature.
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