My Future is Tonight (Right Now)

I've always had a vision of myself. It's a vision as old as I can remember. It's not a full tableau necessarily, but I certainly have elements that make up a whole yet unseen picture.

Photography. Art. A big, open, clean, bright space. An urban setting. A natural setting. Jumping on my bike, laptop and book and journal in a messenger bag slung over my shoulder. Biking to a park. Or coffee shop. Or jazz lounge.

Maybe I really am a hipster at heart. Just please shoot me if I start wearing skinny jeans rolled at the ankles. That's not good for my body type no matter what I'll later tell myself... And yes, I do own heavy, black, rectangle glasses but I enjoy my contacts more...

I am very much a person in tune with her surroundings. I know what feels right and what doesn't. And the friction of who I want to be and who I am is nearly at a critical point. To be honest, lots and lots of my life right now is at the tipping point. Career. Relationships. Home life. I feel strongly that the decisions I make in the next 6 months will pave the way for the rest of my life.

No pressure.

This is my year of redemption.

And it starts with this weekend. Here. Now. Tonight I take the reins. I take full control over my happiness (I make that choice). I refuse to let anybody define me. I refuse to let my status or my job or my home or my plans on a Friday night define me.

I am a vulnerable, courageous and loved woman.

I am doing what I want to do. I am seeing who I want to see. I am going where I want to go and I am loving those I want to love and being gracious to those I choose to be gracious to (even if I feel right now like they don't deserve it. Even if last night I wanted to throw my phone against the wall out of frustration and anger and self pity).

An hour long bike ride calmed my frustration. A conversation with a friend helped me put things in perspective. My real friends provided outlets and remind me that I Don't Settle and I have a great, open, beautiful future just waiting in front of me and is in fact here Right. Now. I just need to open my eyes to see it.

On the Fringe

I wonder.

I've been dating.

And I wonder how long it will take. I should really just put it out there. Focus and all that. Be myself.

But in reality, I'm kinda messed up. I'm kinda out there sometimes.

I like to paint. At midnight. After a couple glasses of wine. In the basement. And I tend to get paint *everywhere*. Who can deal with that?? Who is really Okay with that?

I've got some demons I'm still working on.

Sometimes I cry.

For no good reason.

I have a hard time with certain things. The movie Into The Wild. The movie Elizabetown. Some songs. Some thoughts and places and things.

I'm kinda crazy, really. I mean that in the best possible way.

Please text me every day. But not too much. Don't be needy. But need me. Want me. But not too much. Be a temptation and a challenge. But don't play too hard to get. I'm interested but guarded. Quick to judge. Quick to dismiss. Even if I really like you. Even if I have thought about you often over the past 1 1/2 years. Even if you broke my heart. Damn you. But I still like you. But not enough to date you. Apparently. You've ruined that.

But I'm still into you. What do I do with that?

Man, this Blog just took a left turn in to nowhere.

Love, who can understand it?

My life should be a movie.

How can you choose between two people who are so similar? One is new, refreshing, interesting, disengaged and the other...

Familiar, comfortable, interesting, growing, abounding, future wide open... equally disengaged... how do I manage to attract these guys????

Ode to the Bookstore

This isn't a library, she felt the judgement plainly in the service clerk's eyes as she sat her coat and scarf on the oversized chair. In her lap was The Penguin Anthology of 20th Century American Poetry and she had 1 1/2 hours to kill. No, it wasn't a library, she agreed with his unspoken chastizement. Perhaps she should at least buy a coffee but that seemed redundant and unnecessary in light of all the iced tea she had just drank at lunch.

And who was she that she would be guilted into spending money she did not have?

So she sat down with her book she had no intentions of buying and proceeded with her plan to pass the afternoon. Her evening itinerary danced before her and twisted her stomach in a nervousness that was not unpleasant. It was like waiting for Christmas morning or anticipating the arrival of a loved one after a long trip. Silly, she told herself, opening the book for a much needed distraction.

She was meeting someone... a guy... this one guy at his down town loft at 5:30 and at this rate,  it would take forever to arrive.... she'd thought maybe a store full of books would make the wait more bearable.  She's thinking now that perhaps nothing really would.

She must have it bad.

The clerk became tired of giving her the evil eye. Just as well, she didn't want to drive all the way home to sit on her bed, try to be productive, and to wind up watching Dexter... she flipped to the first poem. 

Concentrate.  Time won't go faster looking at the clock every 5 minutes. 

The words are strange,  empty,  not as exciting as they normally are.  She flips to a different poem. Here we go. Ginsberg.  Ai. Lucille Clifton.  Old friends. A little girl walks by with her dad.  A woman with a stack of magazines comes and sits in the chair beside her. It is comforting and peaceful and reminds her of being 19 again,  passing sleepy Sundays at the book store by her first apartment in St Louis. 

Before she knows it,  it is 5:00 and time to go.

Barnes and Nobel,  She sighs. Thank you. You've done it again.

Coming Back from a Broken Heart

I remember telling my friend once,
telling her that I wouldn't change a thing about the relationship I was in..
knowing full well it would break my heart.
I told her I wouldn't change a day.

A broken heart is bad news.
It's a lot of crying.
It's a lot of
itstheendi'mdyingtheisistheendthereisnthothingelse
but I promise it's not true.
There is another chapter.

And that other chapter might be another broken heart.

Damn that.

But that is love.

Am I in love?

What? This girl? This girl who has been
separated from her ex husband for 1 1/2 years now
and here comes a guy
and he means nothing-----
nothing
and yet
he means
suddenly,
everything.

Oh.

Oh man.

Is this it? Is this what they meant?

I am suddenly so unsure
and I want to know his every move
and I want to know why he's not txting me back
and I want to see him every day
and I want to be the one talking to him
and hanging out with him
and hearing his hopes and dreams
and even if we're just watching Netflix
that's okay because I'm with him
and if any other girls are,
I will strangle them
with a piano wire.

Oh man.

I am now one of them......

He better be worth this.....

Look it in the Eye

Say hello.
Smile.
Ask them how their day is going.
Tell a joke.
Make conversation.
Listen when they talk
even when they're complaining
or annoying
or borring.

Whole worlds can open up,
connections made,
friendships forged,
futures aligned.

No accidents.

Don't stay inside yourself.
It's time to get out and say
hi
to the world.

And look it in
the eye.