Dear Brother

Sometimes in life, things happen that you simply cannot talk about.

There really are no words. And how you deal with them has no voice.

All I can say is, Brother, we failed them. I'd say it was mostly you and your Jack Kerouakian attitude towards life but I know that's not true. I know it wasn't just you. I had the ability to influence as much as you. But the events of this weekend has led me to no choice but to say it so simply. And I know it wasn't just us. I know there was so much else at stake but we failed (I failed) to recognize. You opened those doors to let the darkness in and it has overtaken. I did not stand in the way. When you were gone, I still did nothing to staunch the flood. I did not think I had the power. I did not think then that I had the influence. I was miles and miles away and I chose that life.

And now look at this mess of our family.

Brother, I wish things had worked out differently. For you. For them.

God knows I expected them to join you eventually. I must say at least this is better. You would agree, I'm sure. We are alive. We are here to suffer the consequences. God, I hope we learn from them. Put in a good word for us up there.

-Your big sister

Following the Prompts (Or the Rhythm of life)

Here we go. Yet another blog post as I sit here on this Wednesday morning and marvel at my life. I ate breakfast. Drank coffee. I have a mini concert happening in my living room (Switchfoot and Chris Tomlin this morning...) I'm getting ready to go to the gym. I have the entire day stretched before me, a blank canvas ready to be filled with another day's glorious life...

Life. Mine has finally settled into a rhythm. Last night, I added a new component to my weekly schedule-- I joined a small group with the church I've been going to. I'd committed to going two weeks ago, but last night was the first night I was able to go. And honestly, when I got home from work, I was exhausted and questioning my resolve to leave the house for the evening. I wanted to juice. I wanted to clean. I wanted to stay home and watch a movie and maybe go to bed early (I haven't gotten to bed before 1am in a week... the consequences of living with someone who loves to talk as much as I do...)

But I really knew those weren't options. Something inside me was screaming at me to go. How many conversations lately have I had that started with "I need to make new friends..." How many blogs have I written about wanting to be connected and wanting to find my purpose... etc.

There's something about simple obedience.

The small group was over at 9 and I stayed until almost 11. It felt so... right. I drove home after, marveling at God and His way of working things. I arrived at home, my mind clear and full at the same time. I was brimming with thoughts and ideas and I stayed up talking until almost 2am...

And it was worth it.

Following those prompts, enriching yourself with the Good, surrounding yourself with like-minded people and being filled with truth and love... that is always worth it.

It's painful to die every day, to kill off those old desires and connections because there's always the fear of the emptiness left behind. I'm thankful to be in a protected place. I'm thankful that God is laying my path before my feet. I'm glad that He is leading me, because I don't yet trust myself with anything but the simplest of decisions. Small group? Yes. Sunday night jam session? Yes. Anything else, I'm still flying blind.

I'm grateful for the rhythm that my life has fallen into. I'm glad for a constant. I'm glad that solid ground that had been so long missing. I'm glad that all things work together for my good (eventually, even if it's sometimes painful at first). I'm glad for the empty grave.

Firebowl and Fall

Hoodie, you smell
like the firebowl
I sat around tonight,
a runner up for
what I really wanted
and that
was camping.

You were a good second
choice,
better than sitting
home
and being productive
(it is a Friday night).

Fall, you are here
mostly,
almost entirely,
so this is my first ode to you
and all those
memories you
conjure up,
the painful ones
and the good ones which now
are also painful.

I need to create memories,
good memories,
to replace those that
now point
back to what I can
never recapture
and that which I
never
wish to repeat.

In the Vein of being Heartbreakingly Honest

I am officially divorced.

And it breaks my heart.

Divorce in our culture is accepted.

It shouldn't be.

I feel like a failure.

I feel like a hypocrite.

I feel like I can no longer be used by God.

I feel like I am used goods. Damaged.

I know the above statements are untrue. Mostly.

I know God will create beauty from ashes in my life. I trust Him enough for that.

I've had incredible friends. Very supportive. And a great family.

Everyone was congratulating me yesterday. Yay! You got your name back! Yay! You can finally move on!

My sister and my roommate were the only ones who asked me if I was okay.

I told them I was.

It was a small lie.

I am a phoenix, I know. I was in a terrifyingly dark place and I've been brought out of that. I was directionless and without focus and in pain... and I am healing.

But I still need to take time to mourn this.

I can't just rush on like yesterday was No Big Deal.

I will continue to move forward and live a wonderful and exciting life, I know. And I am glad to be officially free. I'm ready to be used by God. I don't know how. But my heart is willing and I know He can work with that.

I Am

I am a storyteller. I am a world changer. I am strong and irreplaceable. It's high time I start acting like it.

I have begun to see the world differently. Something has changed. Something has settled. Something has opened up.

I live with endless possibilities. I live with a strange, rekindled passion. I live with frustration that I am not where I want to be. I live with hope that I will get there.

I asked myself, What do I Stand For? Last November, I could not tell you. That question was My Question. Along with Where Am I Going and What Do I Want.

But really, it all came down to

Why.

Why do I do the things I do? Why do I want the things I want? What do I want?

What do I want?!

What is my "why?"

Why am I here? Why do I exist? Why do I want the things I want? Why do I work so hard? What do I work for?

I believe in our story and The Story. I believe things in this world need to change. I believe in the hope of God. I believe His kingdom can come. I believe I can be a part of that.

I believe that so firmly in my soul that all other things seem but shadows and I am having a hard time devoting any part of myself to them.

I can be strong. I can be healthy. I can be connected. I can make a difference. I can bring beauty and life to a world that is dark and lost. I can help in the Big Story. I can be a part of something much larger than myself.

God is showing me how I can do that in small ways now, but I am not contented with the small ways. With great power comes great responsibility (Thank you, Spiderman). I have been given immense power in my talent and vitality and money and a life here in America and I cannot take these things lightly. I cannot squander them. I must use them. My very soul demands it. My spirit requires it. All else is worthless to me. My life without this is for naught.

I know this now as solidly as I have ever known anything in my life.

I cast all other hindrances aside.

the Plan has begun...