Deciding who She Wants to Be

You’ve got to decide who you want to be.

This is what she tells herself now everyday. Yes, it is that intentional. Yes, it is saying “no” every once in a while. Yes, it is being alone on a Saturday night because she chooses to be. She needs to choose to be alone. She needs to relish in the delightful solitude. It’s a difficult choice to make. It’s difficult being alone sometimes. It’s difficult being that intentional. It’s difficult deciding who she truly wants to be every moment of every day.

Since her life has slowed down and evened out lately, she's finally had a chance to stand back and take a long, hard look at herself. She has a clearer picture now. She is grounded and wants to stay this way. She has goals and she wants to reach them. She has an image of herself she wants to attain.

Lately, she's realized how easy it is to fall back into old habits and fears (oh how she saw this coming...) She struggles, holding her head barely above water at times. She falls back under. She loses herself. That person she strives to be calls out and wavers and vanishes under instant gratification, under impulse, under stress and fear. She recaptures that image fiercely, pushing all that hinders aside. Be intentional, she tells herself. These things don’t just come about on their own. Now is the time. Decide who you want to be and work towards it. Choose to be it. Every moment of every day.

A fragment of a thought has caught in her mind lately. The thought comes and goes, grows stronger or weaker depending upon her surroundings or circumstances. It’s how often she is repulsed by an idea but then gradually comes to accept it. Then in the clarity of a singular moment, she is repulsed by it again. Demands change. Outside herself, within herself. Some things she can affect. Others she cannot. Some things she needs patience on. Some things seem wildly out of her hands.

It’s the little changes, she supposes. Staying home on a Saturday night and going to bed early. Drinking tea with honey after dinner. Going to the gym after work. Taking her own lunch. Recycling. Voting. Meditating. Saving her money. Paying down debt. Keeping her eyes open for opportunities. Being diligent in conversation. Searching for resources. Taking advantage of ways to be a blessing.

Living with integrity.

Deciding who she wants to be every day. And then being it.

Every moment of every day. No matter how high the water gets.