Reflection Day

I can't recall the last time I had a whole day by myself and nothing planned. So that was today. Day off from work. House sitting at Dad and Lisa's. Jered and I got Duncan Donuts coffee and I dropped Jered off at his school (my husband's a teacher aaahhhh!). A bit aimless, I stopped by a Christian bookstore and bought a book. Then with the bookstore fever in me, I stopped by half price books where I bought another book.  . . and a journal. The journal I bought actually has special meaning to me because on the cover is The Great Wave off Kanagawa. It's a pretty famous painting and the Buddhists see the wave in the ocean as 1st a symbol of impermanence and also secondly, a symbol of how we as people are but a single part of something larger than ourselves. Not that I'm a Buddhist, but the concepts above helped me several years ago to proceed through a dark time. That everything changes and nothing is permanent in this word except God, and that I am not out there standing alone separate from the flow of life.

To regress, the journal made me want to visit my brother's graveside and so I did. I sat under his tree and listened to the chimes for a solid 30 minutes. Only the glaring sun and dead grass brought me back to the car.

And thus I went back to Dad and Lisa's house where I relaxed and basked and continued to think the ponderous thoughts in my head. Thoughts about my brother and his tragic life. Thoughts about my own past and the decisions I made that only mirrored my brother's own. And finally about hitting bottom and the desperate clawing out that took years to come to fruition. I thought about my God and how much I love Him and and how at that time-- the time of my own Great Sadness-- how floored I was that He saved me. That's such a cliche, right? But I was there. Right. There. And he reached down and pulled me out. He led me into the light. And I'm not one to preach and I'm not big on evangelism and my life doesn't always reflect His but oh how I love Him. How I love being reminded not of where I was but where I am now because of Him.

All along, He gave me a husband who has stood beside me and held my hand. If God has taught Jered and I nothing, He has taught us to stand hand and hand through the dark. I know that is why we are still so close to this day. I know that is why we are still mistaken as newlyweds. When Jered chose to stand up for me and for our marriage though all the past and all the mistakes and through all the blatant rebellions. . . that is God's strength of character and love for me in him and I praise God for that.

Still. I sure am glad to be where we are now. I'm thankful for this house we have and the good memories we share.

I'm glad for these days, bittersweet days of reflection like today, where my mind can touch on the past and rejoice that I am free.