. . . then you realize you don't. I'm struggling not to fall back into the harmful patterns I've been in before. When I feel like all control has been taken away from me. . . when I realize that what I've been killing myself doing still isn't quite enough. . .
I pray. And run. And pray while I run.
It's not me. It's not me. Please, God, just lead me through this.
And as someone today told me, it's not like we're pulling charred bodies out of a ruin. It's friggin' retail. We're not saving lives here or going to Afghanistan. We're in western Shawnee for cryin out loud.
But if it were just work, that'd be okay. To put it simply, I need a vacation. Another one. Perhaps a longer one this time. Maybe one that lasts until the end of third quarter, at least. Wake me up when we're Green.
I praise God for the people he's at least put in my path who are the shinning light of Goodness. I thank you, Cari, for continuing to strive in positivity. You too, Eileen. I am so glad for you both. It's so nice to see a smiling face and to see people who are so glad you're *there*. I'm glad for my "peers" and the people I can sit at the lunch table with and talk about something else other than work.
See, I have a hard time with discipline because food side is my home. For better or worse, that place saved me. I don't recall much of 2007 except for the darkness and 2008 and 2009 I mentally checked out on. Working for this place brought me back and made it possible for us to move and it brought me the encouragement of Kathy and Carmen and Rachel and Eileen. It brought me stability and a safe place to go and a reason to wake up and go on with my life. And my bosses wonder why I'm so loyal to my team. Why I fight for them. . . even at odds at times.
Yeah, I'd make a horrible exec b/c I don't want to leave. Don't send me away.
And yet. I'm going to be 30. "Oh, you feel it too, don't you?" is the response I get from my 30-something peers. Like who I am and what I do isn't good enough.
Well, if I've learned nothing else it's that it really doesn't matter what my job is, as long as I'm living for the Lord and doing His will, then I'll be blessed. I have a hard time dealing with some wedding clients and I have a hard time working retail. Life is hard. But God will make it okay. The people he sends into my life will make it okay.
Jered has been blessed beyond measure and I with him. His new job is a gift from heaven and I'm sure everything I feel. . . all this anxiety inside me is just the adversary attacking. I just need to remember that as I go about my day. As I run and photograph and do the dishes and go to work. We fight not against flesh and blood.
So here we go. Today is a good day. Tomorrow will be better. The Lord is my Strength and my Shield.
Shalom.
ps: yeah, probably not going to post this one on f/b. . .
No comments:
Post a Comment