I've been told I've been vague in these blogs as to the goingsons in my life and I suppose the point of this blog is to keep in contact with friends and family I don't regularly keep in contact with so being vague doesn't really help. Let me shed some light.
Jered signed a lease with his friend Cameron and they're living in Olathe and he'll be there for the next 13 months. He'd moved out of our house sometime in mid-October although things weren't going well before then. I'd been living by myself since then and it didn't sit well with me. I'm not a by myself kindof girl and I found that I didn't stay home much which led to lots of money spent and piles of dirty clothes and a life in various states of disarray. Thankfully, Madison is moving in with me today. She signed a 6 month lease because neither one of us can think beyond 6 months at this point.
In the past three months, I've spent lots of time in P&L, Westport and downtown in various ways. I've got to go to concerts and see ballets and travel some and visit with old friends and make some new ones. I've watched movies I've always wanted to watch and do things I've always wanted to do. It's been an exciting adventure, but this girl is worn out and ready to settle in for a winter's rest.
If you would've told me at this time last year that this would be my life now, I would not have believed you. But that's not bad. I knew back then even that Something Big had to change. I've known it for a long time. I guess we just needed a catalyst.
What does the future hold? I don't know. I hung out with Jered yesterday. I helped him move more things out of the house and I followed him to his new apartment and helped him move in. Moving Karma, dontchaknow? We even grabbed lunch together. Buffalo Wild Wings. We drank a couple beers and ate some food and discussed life.
And you know what we decided? Life is messy. There really is no Right Way all the time. There isn't always a Black and White and sometimes God does things that don't seem to make sense. But Madison moving in with me makes sense. And Cameron and Jered moving in together makes sense. And maybe us getting married so young wasn't right. And maybe us moving off to Hannibal together and buying a house really wasn't right.
So what is right?
Where were the signs we missed? Were there signs? Was there some other path I missed?
And this is my greatest fear. Right There.
That I will miss out. Miss the big picture. Miss the party. Miss my future. Miss the one I was supposed to be with. Miss the calling laid out for me. I can say that I will pray that God reveals those things to me, but it's the same prayer I've had since I was 16 years old. Before college, before marriage, before moving and life and death and circumstances slowly stole my sense of who I was.
Who am I and how do I fit into the Grand Scheme of things?
Just some thoughts as I worked out this morning. . .
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