Who is God to me? I was asked that question the other day. We were driving back from a Wednesday night worship service and I had struggled the entire time during the singing. I'd been moved. But something inside me still came against the wall. I thought to myself as I stood there, surrounded by people with their hands lifted up, my heart hard but trembling, If I do this, there is no going back. If I Go There, the walls around my heart will have to come down. The fortress I've lived behind these past 6 months, past year, past several years will have to be torn down.
Can I go back there? Back to that place of faith? Can I fall in love with Him again? Can I trust?
I mentioned this in the car when we'd left. That I had a choice to make. Not a choice between going to church or not. Not really a choice of how to live my life. But a choice of faith. It was the first time I was honest and open about this... about this doubt. It's one thing to post these questions on a blog, it's another to speak them out loud to another person.
It comes down to who you think God is.
That's what he said.
What proceeded for the next several hours was one of the most honest and heartbreaking and revealing conversations I've had in a long time.
Who was God to me? Somebody who loved me? Somebody who wasn't to be trusted? Somebody who was only interested in being glorified... even if that meant leading His children into pain and misery? Did I trust Him with my future? Should I attempt to find His plan for my life or should I just go it on my own and follow my own ideas and desires?
These were the dark questions on my heart these long days and nights and weeks and months and... let's face it... years. That was the dark thought that rested on my mind: God was not to be trusted with my happiness. If I trusted God, I would only wind up heartbroken and broke and defeated. I was tired of beating my head against something that seemed to only hurt me. I was tired of trying for something that constantly left me wanting. I was done following something that made me feel miserable and chained. I was done being the dutiful daughter. I was done trying to do what was right all the time while it wrecked my own happiness and sense of self.
Was it me? Or was it this god I was following? Unconsciously, I'd decided it was God.
I asked my friend who he thought God was. We were cooking dinner. It was 10:00 at night. He stood in his kitchen, crossed his arms and laughed. I need some time to process this, he said. How can I say this without sounding incredibly cliche?
Most Christians still live their life with a gap between them and God. He is up there. We are down here. We constantly beat ourselves up trying to get up to God, to reach Him, to find Him. We break ourselves. Repent. Do good things.
But.
God created us in His own image. He is the force that connects all things. He is the energy. He is our friend. He is our father. There is no gap. That's why Jesus was so important. He closed that gap. We have God's power. We have God's thoughts, God's desires. We can do bigger things than even Jesus.
My question of trusting God? It's a moot point. He is in me. If I listen, his voice is mine. His thoughts are mine. His desires are mine. It really is that simple.
Then my friend quoted a verse I know by heart but my heart had forgotten...
Trust in the Lord with all your hearts and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him and he will make your path straight...
My friend doesn't spend time worrying that his life plans are right or not or God's "plan" or not. He believes that God has put these passions in him and that the direction of his life is divinely set out. Divinely straightened. He just puts one foot in front of the other and all around him, divine appointments are set and doors opened. He told me that my problem is that I want to know the ending now... instead of simply following the path.
Yeah, he knows me too well sometimes...
I'm jealous, I said. Because you have that focus. You know where you're heading at least.
Yeah, he admitted. And you don't yet.
No, I don't. There are too many things I want to do. I want ten lives to live, not just one. How do I know what I should focus on?
You know I used to be like that, he said. And then one day it all clicked... and I just knew. It was so right. And then everything fell into place...
I know, I was there that day. I saw his excitement as it all came together. I saw his passion and his renewed energy to continue on... I look forward to the day it happens for me...
Someday I will look on this time in my life and see the beauty I can't see now. Learning to trust again. Learning to fall in love again. Seeing His provision and guidance and tender, gentle patience. What a glory to be so loved...
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