Sometimes I can be a highly emotional person. People who know me on a day to day basis might disagree. But people who spend a large amount of time with me know that it's true. I don't mean emotional as in expressing emotion. I mean I am easily swayed by my emotions. Oh yes, you nod to yourself. That does sound right.
Yesterday was an alternately incredibly awesome and incredibly difficult day. I got a random check in the mail that allowed me to pay my student loans. I got an email from a church I went to once back in November and somebody had turned in my wallet (that I'd lost in Westport Friday night) to the church office. Random. And incredible.
But then there was the stress of deciding where I wanted to live and with whom (Westport in a house or Joco in an apartment?) The stress of my future being in the air and me feeling like I need to make all these decisions now. The stress of lots of different advice-- while well meaning-- coupled with my indecisive nature...
I spent a lot of time at work mentally sorting through my life. I came to some conclusions and made some declarations and decided on some things. And here we go: I'm posting them here as my formal declaration and to put an end to my "flippity-floppity" ness because I'm tired of not having concrete direction.
I'm getting a renter for this house, come Hell or high water. I will get an apartment with my good friend, Aimee, and we want to live by Shawnee Mission Park. We're applying to a place we've agreed on this coming Friday. I'm continuing with my plans at Target. I had a good talk with my boss yesterday and it reenergized me for the future and my part in it. Also, however, I am going back to school next Spring. I want to get my Masters. I've checked out programs at UMKC and also several online and I really want to study some form of counseling. I might have to take some undergrad classes next fall to get caught up to speed. I'm meeting with an academic advisor next month to look at my options.
And I'm going to Branson next weekend with Mom and I'm buying a bike. And I'm going to learn how to dance. I may or may not get a second job at Hertford House-- but that's a decision I don't have to make just yet. And I am not going to Westport or P&L or any such money-sucking place no matter how much Kayte begs me until I lose 10 lbs (beer is very bad for the waistline...) and until I'm all caught up on my bills.
Bam.
Who knew that zoning the entirety of grocery by myself was good for my life planning ;)
:)
ReplyDeletei am glad you are doing better. alot better it seems. i am not. i am doing alright. but, you know. so i ask, if you can please pray for me. when you go where ever you go. i don't want you to pray with others about me. they have never known my illnesses and whatever prayers they pray would just be placebo. i don't want you to mention me to your family anymore or even if they ask. i don't want them to pray for me, because i feel they are false. i am not trying to be mean or cruel, that is my perception. you've always told me that they never really liked me and i just denied it. i am coming to terms with that reality. i was always good enough for you, but each one of your family members disputed it and i always spend my time arguing with them, trying to prove my point that i was. i know you know this cause you didn't like seeing me do that. i am glad you finally got it figured out. that is a finality. i am glad that i am starting to get things figured out. i don't like what i'm figuring out though. like when you confirm that you never really loved me. or respected me. well, those are also the words of your family. this is not being said in anger. please don't think that at all. this is from realization. barb, i am sifting our last 10 years together. i am the one left with the memories. i know there aren't any memories of me at your folks cause they never liked me and never wanted to show that they were related in laws, or they never wanted to show that they approved of me cause like you always said, they didn't. so whatever is of a memory of me, please remove those from their places of residence. i have removed myself from ocs. i have removed myself from bbc. but i can't remove myself from this world. yes from society, but not existence. i have things i'm supposed to do. now's just not the time cause i gotta heal from this. my healing will take longer but you women heal fast. it's a quality of yours. i thought i healed from the avm, but i guess not. but back to the prayer, you, barb, if you are a prayer warrior then with your strength and your compassion that you show and have always showed for your millions of friends and family, pray for a real recovery for me. and while you're at it, don't ignore my existence. i remember 100's of people always saying they prayed for me when i was in the hospital, but you know, i never saw them. still your prayers are strong. my premonitions are strong. but they're not the same. i could use prayer right now, not foreshadowing. and to be specific, pray that i continue to strengthen this new me and that i don't go back to my old ways. please pray that i don't fall prey to satan's attacks. please pray that other true strong faithful followers come beside me and pray for me and WITH me instead of about me. please pray that i embrace this life and that i believe in it and that i don't stop. please pray that God doesn't just do a healing to me, but that it is for me, for purpose. please pray that i have patience in all this. SHIT I HAVE FUCKED UP MY LIFE SO MUCH please pray that i will be forgiven for that. i trust you will.
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