Everything Changes

This blog has always been personal. And a little quirky. I guess I'm full of thoughts today because here I go posting twice in one day. Within a couple hours of each other. I'm thinking. I've been thinking a lot lately. About my job. About my circumstances. About my friendships. About loneliness. About purpose. About what the point of life is. And what I want in this life. And what I'm doing with myself.

A workmate of mine put in his two weeks. This floored me. And saddened me. And makes me want to give up and give in. That's not usually my nature, but several things are pulling me down and it's hard to keep my chin up. He's only been my peer for 9 months but in those 9 months, my life has irrevocably changed... and I owe him some credit in that. He was unknowingly a catalyst for where I now am and I owe him that (although it is a distinction I think he would rather not want...). Anyway. His leaving depresses me. His girl is still at Target so I'm sure he'll be around.

But.

I feel work slipping away from me. I feel some choices I'm making in my job are hindering my standing, putting me in a limelight I'm not comfortable with. People talk. Choices have consequences where they shouldn't. I've been told as such. I've been told to keep an eye out. To stop the rumors... to watch where I spend my time...

::cough::

Oh workmates, surely you know exactly what I'm talking about....

But I can't help it. I can't stop it. I can't control it. How can one control such things? This attention is certainly not what I wanted but there's no going back, really. How can you undo what's done? How can you take back six months worth of speculation? And don't I edit and plan and keep myself out of way? Don't I edit even this?

But then... I know sometimes I stop trying. Sometimes you just have to give in. . . sometimes you say f* it and you go help break down the produce truck. Or you put down the bread you're packing and engage in a  fifteen minute conversation next to the sample domes about socialism vs capitalism or salsa dancing or music theory or grapefruit... Oh, Lord.

Everything changes. I know that. The thought haunts me in those moments even where everything seems at peace. Last night, sitting in that chilly apartment, drinking beer, watching country music videos... it's not something I would choose for myself on a Friday night, but at that moment, there was no other place I wanted to be. In those moments, the hesitation and melancholy and fear are forgotten. Completely. And all that remains is simple, childlike wonder at something new to learn or hear or see or understand. It's a big, new world opening up. It's being with like minds who have fearlessness and dreams and an unbounded wonder. Hiding these encounters in my heart, this is what gets me through the cold nights when I'm alone.

But I know everything changes. And soon all my friends might leave my workplace. And soon my evening music theory lessons might come to an end. Life will move in a different direction for all of us. I can see the end even now. I can see the change that will swiftly come, a pink on the horizon of the dark.

But as much as I have hope in the future, I cannot be blamed for holding onto the good of what I have as long and as often as I can. So productivity suffers a little. Older friendships fall a bit by the wayside. My cat goes a little neglected...



anyway...