I am officially divorced.
And it breaks my heart.
Divorce in our culture is accepted.
It shouldn't be.
I feel like a failure.
I feel like a hypocrite.
I feel like I can no longer be used by God.
I feel like I am used goods. Damaged.
I know the above statements are untrue. Mostly.
I know God will create beauty from ashes in my life. I trust Him enough for that.
I've had incredible friends. Very supportive. And a great family.
Everyone was congratulating me yesterday. Yay! You got your name back! Yay! You can finally move on!
My sister and my roommate were the only ones who asked me if I was okay.
I told them I was.
It was a small lie.
I am a phoenix, I know. I was in a terrifyingly dark place and I've been brought out of that. I was directionless and without focus and in pain... and I am healing.
But I still need to take time to mourn this.
I can't just rush on like yesterday was No Big Deal.
I will continue to move forward and live a wonderful and exciting life, I know. And I am glad to be officially free. I'm ready to be used by God. I don't know how. But my heart is willing and I know He can work with that.
I wish I could say the same. In the midst of my ugly divorce I regularly feel like a failure. I have lost my support system and my reputation has been destroyed because of lies that have been spread about me. My relationship was abusive--physically,emotionally, menatally and sexually, but everyone is treating him like the victim, because I never revealed what was happening in my life. I am so broken.
ReplyDeleteYou are beautiful and I love you. We should talk. Send me your email or phone # @ bdf1106@hotmail.com. I'm on my fourth cell phone in a year so I've lost yours :P
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