I try not to over-think things

but sometimes I must stop myself. Reflect on my life. I got home at 1am tonight (today, yesterday?) and 1:30 Am yesterday.

Yesterday.

You make your plans and then they get redirected. My yesterday should've been spent working out and having Mexican food with my favorite biblestudy ladies. It wound up being filled with organizing someone else's apartment, offering solace, contemplating the fate of my friend, eating buffalo wild wings and watching Thor. Until 1:30am. I do not regret my decisions but the decisions we make lead us down the paths our lives eventually take, right?

My friend told me the other day that I personalize other people's pain. In that, I take on other people's suffering and make it my own. That's why I have a desire to help people. He told me that's a good thing. A rare thing I suppose. That most people would say, oh, sucks for you, and move on but instead I invest myself in others...  He told me that's perhaps why I can't watch scary movies-- that they give me nightmares. It's probably true. The Hangover III gave me nightmares (legit, seriously, about decapitations... those who have seen the movie will know where my dreams came from and they will wonder what is seriously wrong with me...)

I spent the evening with my young friend Marcail and some others. I made a new friend tonight. We watched Iron Man and The Avengers. Marcail and I made plans for Sunday night. Maybe watching Iron Man II. Maybe Breaking Dawn II. . .  I contemplated to myself what drives me to want to spend time with someone 18 years old. I love her dearly. I love her like I loved my old youth group girls. I love her like I love my sister. I want the best for her. I want her to know love and acceptance and to never know pain or loneliness or isolation. I will do whatever I can that she will not have to experience those terrible things... Today at work, James and Marcail came in to Target. I felt my protective nature rear it's head. I sat next to her and defied (in my mind) anyone who would look sideways at her  or see her as anything other than beautiful... oh man, I know I'm a lioness at heart...

I guess I talk about her a lot at work. She and James walked in (I was in a meeting) and everyone wanted to meet her. Everyone already knew her by name (probably because of facebook and this blog...) and I hoped she was pleased. I long for her to know how special she is. God has a plan for her. Maybe I am a small part of His plan. We'll see.

But I do need to question my motives and think about things. Perhaps I enjoy spending time with her because it is also that she loves me? Sure, I cannot be so entirely selfless. To be looked up to and loved is a powerful feeling. It's very reaffirming. Especially for someone in my state of life...

And there is that I love her family. And that I spend "entirely too much" time with her brother. And I enjoy the company of her family's friends. And for whatever reason, I seem to click eerily well with almost everyone who walks into their house... Yes, I make friend easily, but there are a rare few that I connect so solidly with...

I really do try not to over-think things. My friends think I'm crazy. My life really doesn't make much sense to most people looking in. My choices and decisions probably look oblivious at best and manipulative at worst but... I just do what feels right. I don't know where I'm going or what I'm doing but as long as I seek God and follow my heart, I can die with a clear conscious despite how my life works out...

That's probably been my Mom's theory on life.

Oh Good Lord.

Then I'm in for a ride.