Christian circles often speak of "being broken" and needing to be broken, surrendering to brokenness, Brokenness, That's What I Need, etc etc. I never fully understood this. It seemed a very cliche thing to say. It sounded very holier-than-thou, something showy, something slightly pretentious.
Brokenness came to me on a rainy Tuesday morning and it was the familiar tightening of the chest, the sob just beneath the surface that I normally shove down. It was the blinding moment of panic, it was the weight that made it hard to get out of bed. I was productive, shuffling through my finances, talked to a friend on the phone, showered, dressed, made some lunch and ate it. I'd turned on the TV for some noise. Then, in an instant of weakness, I allowed the sorrow of a life gone astray wash over me. And I surrendered to the brokenness for a good hour. Plus. And I said God, I am so Sorry.
Sorry for what? I'm not sure. For everything, I suppose. For being such a screwup. For not being what I thought I should be at this point in my life.
And what, really, is there to grieve? Why does this pain ascend upon me in frighteningly random and increasing moments? Trying to reconcile forgiveness and a vow I made with my heart. I can't do that. Trying to reconcile my heart with the truths before me and the things I want but which will never be. There are plenty of sappy songs on the radio about that one. My repulsion at what seems necessary. My weakness towards what I want and allowing what I don't.
Maybe it's just grief over the life I had struggled for and now it is nothing I desire. A husband. Children. A career as a photographer. The fullness of a life lived and lived well... and now there's an aching emptiness... and the emptiness is not the void of Jered. It's the same emptiness I've felt for a very long time but now I have no immediate hope if it being filled. It's the vastness of choice without direction, a future without focus. And I'm scared to death that my life will come of nothing. I know I'm only 30. But what do I fight for when everything I've fought for is shadows and dust?
This is all very dramatic, I know. Lines have been drawn. Walls have been put up and others knocked so far down... alliances formed, choices made, assumptions allowed. There's no going back so why do I allow for hope? What is it exactly that I hope for?
To be the Princess of Mars.
And that is my problem exactly.....
When you can’t see the end of your journey, and don’t know which way to go or what to do, you just focus on putting one foot in front of the other. Everyday, putting one foot in front of the other, knowing that one day the path will become clear again.
ReplyDeleteMay your past be the sound of your feet upon the ground.
i am going to try and be forthright. i am reading alot of contradictions or confusion? or whatever. like you regret but you're proud for your decisions to be alone. you are not in the wrong for what is happening. i am not in the wrong, either. we were just not in the right place or time. we tried to please each other way more than we tried to please ourselves. and we both know that when we did try to please ourselves there were restrictions. from parents. from church. from our individual emptynesses. we loved each other but we didn't fully trust each other, almost to the point of hardly or invisibly. we should watch a couple movies together again, not for agenda, but as friends if that is what you truly believe we are. these movies? any movie! i can name a few but not now. you have to believe, and there is no equivocation, that we are equally perfect for each other AND imperfect for each other. there is not debate. but like you said, when we put selfishness in the forefront, it hides the many many qualities we have. you, in particular, have an abundance. again, OUR downfall or failure is because you didn't believe your own + i didn't believe my own = none when in FACT it is shielded by distrust. we never trusted our selves, not the other, but each our own. this is indisputable. it has been evidential. in our poetry. in our prose. in our song and lyric. in our misery. but it doesn't change or alter the FACT that you are perfect! and i am perfect! for ourselves. for each other. for all of human kind. that is not arrogance. that is how we are created for. if we are perfect in God's sight, we can only be in each others. but we didn't execute that. we kept looking at our own faults, compared them to each other by comparing then with others and if we ever compared them to Jesus we would see that we still don't compare BUT that Jesus will still honor His vow to us in that He will never leave us or forsake us. this is not about that we made that vow to each other. this is about there is NO disappointment for having made it, or vowed it, or promised it, or proclaimed it. this is about refusal and denial. denial is an opposite of treaty. a treaty is for peace. denial is not. you denied my love. i denied your truth. of course that's why there was barely any peace. but why refuse it now? because of selfishness. because of the very thing you deny: love. trust. SELFISHNESS is the benefactor. you are not denial. you are not distrust. you are not emptiness. you are full with promise and confidence and sustenance. that is your make up. what allows you to be beautiful! not what or how much you DO. not what or how much you TRY. but just what is. i am so filled to the point of overflowing of what i always needed but tried to get from you. YES, from emptiness one can be instantly filled. it's called a miracle. i pray for a miracle to you barb. and you know, just like i accepted the miracle when i was in my coma, you just have to do the same. it's more than just receiving an invitation or a proposal, it's accepting it. accept the miracle! don't deny it! don't refuse it! you are too worthy of a wonderful delightful person to pass it up! we loved it when we pleased each other and there is NO reason to stop. NONE. and we shouldn't please to receive, we please. bottom line. pleasing to receive in its very escence is selfish. i still love you, and ya, i have no reason to not. and who is anyone that can try and give me a reason? i love you. it's engraved in me. i love me. that's just me. you can turn your once deemed challenge to love me into a choice. and i'm not gonna ask you too or beg you too. you're strong enough too. sweet dreams and stars.
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